The Bachelorette review or This show is killing me so slowly that I am posting a week after each show

So as I start to type this week’s up I realize that I never posted last weeks...yup show is definitely making me dumber.

Tonight the world tour goes to Venice, Italy. The guys meet Andi and she immediately pulls a shocker and tells them that the first one on one starts immediately and everyone expects it to be Cody since he has not yet been on a one on one...she picks Nick V.

Renee Oteri does the Suave hair commercial this time...they have caked on the makeup, I should quit watching this before I say anything mean. (Too late - I texted E “Renee looks years younger in that Suave commercial. Maybe that shampoo is magic”).

I wish I had gone to Venice when I was in Italy, but I was in love and would have gone to the city dump if the girl had told me to, so we did not go to Venice (still would not trade that trip in for anything).

Andi and Nick walk the streets of Venice, they kiss a lot and Andi tells us in VO how romantic the city is but yet the date looks terrible boring except for this one cool moment a bird perches on Nick's head but he still makes that seem boring. 

The Group date card arrives and Cody is hoping his name is not on it...it is not, which leaves Cody dancing (all those Macklemore comparisons online get easier when he does that).

Nick tries to read a sign and reads it as if it is in a foreign language, it is English.

Evening portion of the date and they are swankily dressed. I do not get her attraction to Nick, I guess this might be my straight test? I cannot see the attractiveness of a fellow that a girl seems to find irresistible.

Nick foolishly brings up the fact that some of the guys in the house have called him arrogant and Andi does not look happy, he tries to smooth it out and Andi gives him stone face, like she is trying to hold in gas. I think these 2 would have a boring life together, a double date with them would be like trying to feed a bird with a slingshot, you can get it done but there will be a tonne of misses. He gets the rose, they boringly kiss.

The put on masquerade masks 

and Nick says “I have been masking my feelings towards Andi” the forced pun count on this season is extraordinarily high.

Andi’s secret admirer sends her another note. The handwriting looks so neat and uniform that I think the show had someone else write it for whatever guy is creepily sending them.

Group Date time

They go to a medieval castle - Andi gives them a lie detector test. 

The guys look petrified, 

I would be too. No need for her to immediately find out that I am a psychopath. My DVR freezes and glitches during Andi’s portion of the lie detector test...her questions are garbage anyway, I think my cable was trying to protect me from them...sadly I got it working again.

The questions are the standard fare until they get to stuff like “are you good in bed”, “have you slept with more than 20 women” and “do you wash your hands after the bathroom”. Dylan immediately after taking the test claims to feel so ill that he has to go to the hotel...guess the truth really does hurt. There is one shock to me, the farmer is the secret admirer (I find it impossible to believe that penmanship is his).

3 men told no lies, one man 2 lies, 2 men told 3 lies. I have always felt I would be able to pass this test but then I think most peeps think that...Andi told 2 lies; Italy is not her favorite country and she does not think all the guys are there for the right reason. She then does not open the results for the guys, instead she dramatically rips the papers up. The cynic in me thinks that she already knew the results, or is planning to get them later anyway.

The evening portion of the date has 5 guys because Dylan is still missing, I keep hoping he will pull a Tierra and sneak back on...I also hate myself for now knowing enough history of this show to call back prior names.

Brian gets the first one on one date with Andi and does a fake lie detector, he puts her finger on his pulse and her hand on his heart while he answers questions, it surprises Andi and I am sure the audience that Brian could show that much initiative. They make out, 

I think the kissing count is at 2 so far tonight. Marcus is up next, he says he thought about leaving and Andi makes out with him. THREE

Josh is up next and he tells Andi that he thought she didn’t trust them because of the lie detector test, it leaves Andi confused. 

Andi asks Josh what he likes about her and being there with her and his answer is so generic I really want to skip forward to the part where E texted me about (yup E texted me to warn me that there is Camel Toe in this episode...I cannot stop chuckling that, that is a thing and that I am looking forward to it). Josh does not get a kiss, Chris the farmer is up next and he confesses that he is the secret admirer, this of course gets him a kiss. FOUR.

One on One Date:

Cody and Andi pretend to be Romeo and Juliet and they go to the area that peeps think was the inspiration for Shakespeare to write Romeo and Juliet…(not the space for the discussion as to whether he really wrote all his plays). Apparently sad sacks people from all over the world write letters to Juliet or Giulietta as it is written at the Club di Guilietta for advice and the store/place replies to everyone. Andi and Cody get to reply to a few letters and Cody shows depth that I would never have believed possible.

On the evening portion of the date, Cody shows some smarts and writes a letter to Juliet that is about Andi, but then he just talks too much. He starts to tell her too much about his feelings, he starts to talk about taking her home to meet his family and Andi has the Andi face ‘the over it look’. She stops Cody from talking and starts crying, saying that she cannot hurt him by taking him to the next week’s episode. 

And while I am feeling bad for Cody something pops on my screen that makes me A. laugh out loud and B. check the time to see if E was right and she was 1:27 in we have CAMEL TOE. 

Cody has to leave in a bus because he did not get the rose and Andi rides off on her camel. I still think Twitter is mainly a cheap distraction but for moments like this it can be gold...’Andi Camel Toe’ is actually a trending topic.

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony time:

Andi is killing it with her dress. Nick V intercepts Andi and then kisses her immediately, “that is a man, that is a man right there” those are Andi’s words...she is so easily impressed. 

Chris tells Dylan to go interrupt Nick and Andi, and he does, Chris to his credit calls Nick a jackass to his face and is not fake with him at all. Dylan’s one on one with Andi gets no screen time, JJ goes in for a kiss on his time FIVE.

Chris and Andi sit down for their ‘fire side’ chat. Blah blah blah

Andi again holds her roses like a chalice while scanning the line of guys, if you ever say HBO’s “Pimps up Hoes Down” Players Ball you will notice a strong resemblance here. 

JJ the Pantsapreneur gets the boot and someone on Twitter notes that it is probably because he made the Camel Toe pants. Seriously, this girl had camel toe while wearing camel colored pants that made her look nude...is this ABC’s way of spicing the show up? Maybe this is the Players Ball. Next week they are off to Brussels.

The credits have a very funny scene; the lie detector test had a question of “have you ever fought in public?” all the guys heard it as “Have you ever fart in public?” they all said yes!!!!

The Bachelorette cuts out chocolate

About to launch the Bachelorette 4 hours after it started airing aka 2 hours to ‘Mistresses’. E live texted me as it was going on, which makes me think she watched it live...I had to ignore all of her texts will read at the end of this and incorporate as they fit.

Btw E, this news is for you http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/29/the-bachelor-couples-therapy_n_5412797.html

Tonight the show goes to Marseille, France. The first one on one goes to Josh but the card is all in French, no one appears to be able to translate it. Chris Harrison meets Andi at a little cafe and asks her if she is falling in love and her first word is “Staahhhhppppp” how is this woman part of my profession? (I think back to her puppy photo shoot last year and I still cannot believe it).

Mini worried about my ex, she apparently tried to lose weight by slicing off a fingertip ;) Hope you feel better soon chica. The show cuts to another Suave commercial featuring past Bachelorettes and Andi and I cannot sit through it...do these ads work? Andi and Josh are on a boat (sing it like T-Pain and Lonely Island) they immediately kiss. Andi calls Josh her typical type of guy and reminds us that it has not worked out well for her in the past.

Group date card arrives and all the info card has is a heart, nothing more…

Back to the date, they are on a cliff overlooking the Mediterranean sea.

Andi and Josh talk about his time as a baseball player, he brings up that he was a high round pick...I like his method of telling her the highlights and lessening the low lights.

Some of the guys are gossipping in the hotel room and JJ tells Marquel that Andrew at the first rose ceremony said “Whoa she gave roses to the 2 blackies”. If true, risky move, and I say this as the guy that gleefully has called the black guys 1.0 and .5. There is a sensitivity that one must show when talking about races and certain words carry massive stigmas, if he says “Whoa the 2 black guys” that makes sense because it is surprising in the Bachelorette world but if he said “Blackies” it comes with so much more sting and so much more demeaning power.

Marquel appears to become emotional about the comment, he brings up the fear/sentiment that so many of us have, that people viewing him will always see him first as “Hey that is a black guy” and not “hey there is that guy”

Andi and Josh go to Palais Longchamp and when Andi tells him it is a Palace he expresses shock...was he not able to figure it out as they pulled up? Is he as dumb as a bag of balls? Josh asks Andi if she was ever cheated on...is he following the script from the last guy? I cannot remember ever asking a girl that question yet on back to back shows that is the first date question? Josh attempts to explain why he has been single for 5 years. Josh was basically admitting that he does not really care much for the girls he has dated and then turns it around with an “until I came here and till I met you” and Andi melts...maybe this is why she gets cheated on, she is too easily smitten.

Ben Fields is playing for the couple (don’t worry, I do not know who he is either and I bet E does not also) 

Josh pretends in his confessional that he knew who it was, but he sounded hesitant so I call shenaningans. I know this is not the be all end all of research but this guy even post playing the Bachelorette had only 1,094 followers when I checked his twitter...so I guess I am safe in saying not many people know him.

Group date time - 9 guys.

Marquel says the group date will be a challenge since he is on it with Andrew. The guys are training with a mime, and of course it leads to a public performance. 

My friend from Jamaica is whipping me in scrabble after I have won 3 straight...I knew this show robbed me of intelligence. The crowd is not very impressed by the mimes, ah well, it is miming.

Some of the guys really attempt to throw themselves into it, Nick V however sulks his way through.

During the evening portion some tension arises with the guys questioning Nick V as to whether he thinks he is the front runner. Andi asks Chris about what is going on and Chris throws Nick under the bus, Cody the personal trainer follows suit. Nick V in his one on one time pretends that he had fun during the miming portion. Andi says “there is a mental emotional connection that is off the charts” (sigh, ‘mental emotional’) followed up by her saying “I am not an idiot”.

Bloody Nick V reads Andi a terrible poem which she seems to love...what is it about bad poetry and these Bachelorette’s 'loving' it? 

Andi in her confessional “Am I oblivious to who Nick really is?” Hey you just said “I am not an idiot”...

Marquel tells Dylan that he is thinking of confronting Andrew about the ‘Blackie’ comment Dylan eggs him on to confront him (I hope this is not Dylan trying to stir trouble up). We cut to Andi making out with one of the other guys...back to the guys and Marquel is confronting Andrew. Andrew immediately denies it, I really want to believe him, not because I like him (I have no feelings either way beyond the fact that I do think the producers are editing it to make him look like a villain) but because I want to believe that he is not crazy enough or has that much spite in his heart to say that word. Hmm maybe Dylan was being legit, in his confessional he seems to be genuinely on the side of Marquel - I might be too cynical.

JJ gets the group rose, I think it is just because he reminded Andi of their ‘old people’ date or I zoned out when he was impressing her.

One on One date with Brian.

They go to a studio and watch a private screening of the ‘The Hundred-foot Journey’  which is a movie about 2 lovers who cook and then at the end of the screening they decide to reenact the movie “completely spur of the moment” they stop to get sea urchins because it was in the movie...they clearly did not know what to expect and they clearly do not like it. They are in the kitchen and Brian is out of his element, and in 'shut-down' mode. Andi keeps lamenting that “the movie made cooking so romantic, it’s not romantic”. Andi makes more and more cheesy metaphors “everything is cooking, the kitchen is hot, but things are really not heating up with Brian right now”. “The way we are cooking seems like the Hundred-mile Journey”. Turns out that their food is terrible, so they go out for dinner, as an amateur chef I am amused by this whole thing (in fact I got to this show late because I was making homemade chicken stock, and prepping 40lbs of chicken for a big meal on Wednesday and these two are struggling with a basic french meal? c’est horrible)

Despite all of her misgivings with him, Brian gets the rose from Andi. This date was terrible and the cynic in me thinks that the movie producers made sure to tell the producers of the show that no matter what, the guy had to get a rose because; why would you want your love story movie associated with a mini-breakup?

Rose Ceremony time -

Andi requests a meeting with Chris Harrison, and tells him that there “does not need to be a cocktail party tonight.” Chris Harrison says “sounds like you want to make a big cut tonight?” Hmm how would Chris know this just based on what she has said so far? Andi says yes and states her desire to cut 3 guys...I call shenanigans on this fake meeting; it was pre-planned. Guess the producers were reviewing the budget and did not want to pay to fly around an extra guy to the next location.

So I have never seen frozen but everyone online is saying that Andi wore her hair like a character in the movie. 

Andi holds up each rose like it is a chalice and scans the line of guys each time she is presenting it, it seems weird. I have a pretty good idea before she does this who is getting cut, partly because the promos for upcoming shows have shown one of the guys arguing and he was in the bottom 4 so he had to get the rose. 1.0 gets cut, so the streak continues - black guys never go far on this show. Look I know you cannot tell anyone who they should fall in love with, but the history of this show is so suspect…

1.0 aka Marquel, gets emotional in his confessional.

The show is off to Venice next week...the bloopers have Andi and Josh on the cliff - he mentions that getting pooped on by a bird is good luck, his wish comes true and I can now read E’s texts.

She points out that one of the guys sniffed the date card, she points out the blackies and my use of decimals 1.5 etc and like I noted above, she has no idea who the musician is either. And she loathes the poet like I do.

Bachelorette 2xs in one week and I think I am going to gag.

I am ‘working’ from the library today, so watching this via the iPad app (yup that’s right, my cable is up and working and I am legit again). I requested a meeting room, and the lady who gave me the pass key looks me up and down and then hands me Room 420...I suspect she made assumptions (or it was just a coincidence). Good grief, this preview segment is going on 2 minutes 40 seconds - you are probably thinking that about this preview paragraph too, so off to the show.

They are in New England this week at the Mohegan Sun

Dylan gets the first one on one date - I confess I missed a portion of this, I really am working...I know you did not believe me.

Andi and Dylan will be on a steam train, the juvenile in me snickers when I think of Andi and a train. Wow she makes the terrible pun that their relationship “might pick up a little steam” 

They talk about their longest relationships: I realize that, I hate talking about my own bad breakups and hate hearing other peeps whine about theirs. Dylan plays the sympathy card and notes that his ex broke up with him the day after his brother’s funeral. He is also doing the heavy sigh, and look away routine, trying to play coy, it seems to be working.

The group date card arrives and it says “Whose got game?” if they cannot decipher that, they should just ask 1.0, he will know.

Back to Andi and Dylan ("Who are the 5 greatest rappers of all time?"), and he tells her that later she will see the real Dylan, she brings up a good point, “I want to see the real Dylan now”. Come on with it homie, there is only a finite time here. So of course he breaks down and tells her...his sister OD’d and it caused his brother problems (he was also a drug user), he ended up in a coma (100% brain dead) and if you read above you obviously know what the end result was. Well this is a bit of a downer. E texted me on Monday “When a guy on TV says I need to tell you XYZ, which isn’t something I don’t really tell anybody (except all of America going on 4 times now). Sigh. Do these people really not understand they’re on a tv show?” I am pretty sure she was watching this moment...and I agree, it felt like a sympathy ploy...and it works. Andi is giving him the rose and stressing to him that it is not a pity rose. Dylan to me looks like he would rather be elsewhere whenever Andi starts her speechifying.

He claims that Andi “cracked the emotional side of me” and I am in “one of the happier moments of my life”, all while maintaining the same blank expression - Are we sure he is not a sociopath? (Does that need an “Allegedly”?). HAPPIEST MOMENT

Group Date time:

And lo and behold it is a basketball game...one of the guys (Brian) is a basketball coach. They are playing against a collection of WNBA allstars and they are getting smoked. The girls are practically running a layup line. At one point the score is flashed as 30-08 you can guess the 30 point team. The game is so bad that Andi pretends that she is suddenly changing the plan and that she is going to allow the guys to play against each other - because the fact that there were jerseys for opposite teams just waiting for them in the locker room is a complete coincidence.

Brian actually tries to coach his team, he is drawing up plays...good luck with that. After this he should send his resume into the OKC Thunder, that would be the first time they ever saw a playbook. Andi is standing in between the WNBA players and she looks like a Lilliputian (google it, or crack a book).

 Now that they are not actually playing good players...the game is finally competitive. Thanks to bad knees I am pretty bad at basketball, but I could take the majority of these guys. Andi is turned on...shocking a DA becoming intrigued by competition.

The game is tied at the half 6-6, like I said competitive, I did not say good. Brian in the 2nd half takes over, Andi is starting to get flushed. Brian’s team also has 1.0 on it...and he gets a decent amount of screen time hmm no stereotype here. The team also has the meat head personal trainer that looks like Macklemore, and the professional adventurer it really does not seem fair.

We get many unnecessary shots of the losing team looking pissed off and expressing their anger at losing - like normal guys.

The winning guys get their evening date portion with Andi and Eric goes first, Andi notes that their is some stalling in their relationship - I know I am coming in clouded but now everything she says just seems tinged with doom. Eric brings up that he made a whole United States trip to see family members because he did not know when he would see them again (I almost wish they had edited that out).

Brian the coach gets his one on one time and he of course takes Andi to the basketball court, she expresses a lot of interest, she says “Stahhhpppp” a few times and clearly had a thing for her basketball coach in high school...she gives him every sign to kiss her, he even acknowledges it later in his confessional, she says it in hers and you even see her moving in for the kiss while he goes in for the hug. He even hit a half court shot with the hint that a kiss was on the line and he still did not go for it.

So the very next guy (Nick) on his one on one, immediately gets a kiss from Andi and I cannot help but think that was supposed to be Brian’s kiss and he just got her fired up for another guy. Bad job coach, guess this is why you are not a player. (Yes I hurt my shoulder patting myself on the back for that one.) By the way, Andi’s dress WHOOOO I am ashamed of Brian for not making out with her just for the dress. He at least gets the rose.

One on One:

The date card said “The sky is the limit” and Marcus looks nervous. Andi professes a fear of heights and then says “it is definitely something I requested” she wants to get out of her comfort zone and face her fear of heights…way to use the usual jumping, bungee, rappelling budget to your advantage. Has there ever been a season of this series that has not included something involving heights? I know in the past I have said the Bachelor/Bachelorette producers must own their own limo company by now, but now I think, they probably just own their own adventure company...I can imagine dozens of people who would go on excursions, just because it has the Bachelorette Brand attached.

Andi freezes on the top of the building, a natural fear I think, I sometimes think that attorneys have a harder time doing Daredevil type stuff because we over think it and start to think of all the flaws and dangers.

They rappel right past the rooms of all the other guys, Marcus asks Andi if she wants to kiss infront of the other guys, she smartly says no. But no big deal, she kissed him earlier and then of course kisses him on the ground.

On the evening portion of the date they toast and I notice that they have different wines, Marcus has a white wine and I like him more...fight the convention of everyone picking red wines...white wine is where it is at!!!!

Andi admits that guys have cheated on her, I wish I was shocked. At the end of dinner they go to a concert by a country act (Jon Pardi) that I just do not know, they dance on a platform surrounded by other people in the casino while the act ‘serenades’ them? They of course kiss a lot in front of the ‘concert goers (yes I am skeptical), totally normal for a date.

(Notice the Margaritaville sign)

The rose ceremony approaches and Andi’s boobs (I already miss you Community) are pinched into a dress (in her confessional). But we cut back to her in a hotel room and she is reading a love letter (the video shows a white hand writing it…[could be creative editing] which rules out 1.0).

The guys all try to steal time, to talk to Andi. Brian takes Andi back to the court telling her he regretted not kissing her and Andi says “thank god” and pulls him in for the kiss.

Marquel works for the UFC and he claims he is going to show her moves to defend herself, I am sure none of that has anything to do with her having to touch him repeatedly. (I got that gif from http://blog.chron.com/tubular/2014/06/the-bachelorette-the-most-awkward-goodbye/#23310103=0&23524105=0&23722101=1 I do not know if it is theirs originally but I love it, whomever came up with it.)

Eric then interrupts.

He tells Andi that she has a poker face, this pisses Andi off I would say this was a bad decision, but since we all know he made a worse one later this just seems like a blemish. Andi starts crying and yelling and the guys in the other room can hear her breaking down. Eric insinuates that she is acting for the cameras (way to blow the premise sir). Andi “I cannot fight for someone who does not believe in me” you can slowly see the dawn of realization on Eric’s face as he realizes that he said the wrong thing in his attempt to come across as ‘the real guy’.

Andi gives the group a speech that this is all real to her (she messed up and did not say the right reasons, so a tonne of viewers did not get to take a shot) and that if anyone thinks she is not there to find love they should just leave now. Ouch Eric on his outbound confessional says “love is the reason to live”...I really am surprised they didn’t edit out more parts of his stay, then again in the grand scheme his stay was brief.

Instead of the rose ceremony the last minutes of the show are filled with a conversation between Andi and Chris Harrison discussing Eric. I do wonder how Andi feels since it (and it could be editing) looks like her last words to Eric were filled with anger, at least they hugged on the break. This little featurette feels forced and unnecessary. We find out that production found out about the death of Eric during the hometown dates. We are also told that Tasos was the other guy sent home. I wish they would do this show like wrestling, never send the fans home unhappy, cut to a fun scene or something, but alas...At least it was followed by an episode of Mistresses (which *cough* *cough* I obviously do not watch).

The Bachelorette on Sunday? We get 2 nights of this drivel?

I hate myself, I hate my life right now, I am eating cupcakes and about to watch the Bachelorette LIVE...why live? Because I cannot find my cable modem and thus cannot use my DVR and thus I hate myself. Just watching the, ‘Coming up on the Bachelorette’ makes me think I may not make it through.

They start the evening in Santa Barbara, Andi makes it seem as if it is an ocean away from LA and not just up the coast. Chris Harrison tells the guys the plan is to meet Andi in SB and the guys really sound like they are grunting.

I really hope Gus and Sean show up...I want a murder!

One on One -

Andi goes bike riding with Nick claiming it is a normal chill day, (you know minus the dozen cameras, the whole event being set up by someone else and the staying in Santa Barbara). A couple of the guys start talking about Nick behind his back, this is what we have been missing - pettiness. Andi and Nick go on a hike at Lizard’s Mouth trail I am a bit jealous, it is a decently rated hike, and last time I was in SB I ran out of time to go...I may digress alot on this blog with no one in the room to keep me focused.

With no DVR I am forced to watch the Suave commercials with former Bachelor contestants...I want to punch my TV...the hair dresser’s 'chat' in this is so fake and the acting is not even porn level worthy. Hmm Mistresses is back...just kidding, no way would I admit to watching that in public...no way. If I do not find my modem by tomorrow afternoon I am going to have to buy one immediately, these commercials are just so bad.

Nick admits to being engaged prior to meeting Andi I zone out using my phone to search for Modems.

A group date card arrives and a couple guys look less than pleased to be on the group date. Nick gets the rose and just like his first impression rose, I still do not get it. They make out at the top of a clock tower…”Kissing Nick is Ahhh-may-zing”. Sigh, she is a lawyer.

Group Date

The 1.5 black guys are on this date and Andi says “today we are going to separate the Boyz from the Men”...and I am really curious as to how the .5 is going to react when he sees the group 1.0 definitely reacts excitedly, .5 does not seem to have a reaction at all...the Opera guy sings a bit of opera (yup it is getting old quickly).

Want to see three guys who quickly realized their career is in a bad place?

The guys start vocal training with Boyz II Men (B2M) and it is as terrible as you expect it to be. .5 actually gets some screen time even if it is only to show that he cannot sing. Turns out that Andi is also a terrible singer. Seriously though...what happened to the bassist from B2M? (I know the wikipedia answer but that seems so very fishy).

The B2M concert begins and the guys are jamming out in the crowd waiting their turn while wearing B2M gear from the 90s, 

Chris Harrison introduces the group which make me think this was not a real concert...The opera singer leads off, not sounding as good as he thinks he does, but then the rest chip in and I see why he might think he sounds great, 1.0 ends his portion of the song and .5 takes it up...coincidence? A few of the guys forgot the words, they were only given a line or 2 and they forgot the words? Andi does not sing I guess they realized how bad she was and decided not to risk it.

I liked this tweet

The evening portion of the date begins - Andi decides to mess with Codi, claiming that some guys told her that he has a girlfriend, he reacts well looking like he was genuinely hurt that anyone would claim that...I was half hoping he would fess up to having one. Some one on one time with Eric he says the words “is it weird…” and I cannot help immediately saying, “Yes, because I know you are dead”

[Date card shows up and JJ the Pantsrapreneur gets the one on one. ]

Marcus tells Andi that he has wanted to kiss her for awhile and that brute force attack works...she then immediately kisses the next guy (Josh M) on camera (see Marcus, it was special). Josh gets the rose, does that mean he was the better kisser?

One on One date:

JJ shows up in some not so great pants...makes me wonder about his job title. His date with Andi has them being transformed by makeup artists into old people, because Andi wants to see how they would look if they grew old together...because this is science. 

They then go out in Santa Barbara to try to fool people, I feel bad for JJ since he has to hunch over to walk with Andi.

.5 gets a phone call that he does not want the camera to follow him on. It appears to be emotional news so of course we cut to commercial.

We cut back to Andi and JJ and they are now pretending to be athletic old people 

JJ asks if he can “steal a kiss” you are not stealing a kiss sir if you ask...but of course she kisses him - we are talking about Andi here.

A cut back to .5 who since he is going through an emotional moment I have to call by his real name - Ron has to leave because of death to a close friend...jeez even when we do not get voted off black people can never seem to stay on this show...really wish Armani and E were with me now, I would love to see their reaction.

Back to Andi and JJ and they are clearly having fun on their date, the problem with this is that this cheesy date does not translate well to TV, I would rather follow Ron’s limo back to wherever he has to go. I am impressed that Ron; A. did not make his exit overly dramatic and B. did not appear to hesitate when the choice to go home came.

During commercials I have been digging through boxes looking for my modem...I suddenly find it and could not be happier, I mean I have a mini chub I am so happy. Cannot risk setting it up now since I am so close to the end of this terrible show, but oh man as soon as this thing is off I am connecting!!!!

JJ and Andi are doing the evening portion of their date and I am staring at my new apartment debating where to set up the modem. I was so annoyed at myself earlier for being a pack rat (and I am still saddened by it) but thankfully that pack rat mentality is why I found the modem. Jeez this show is boring, I keep talking about my modem instead of it. JJ pretends that he is insecure, sure you are homie...it works - he gets the rose. I eat my 4th Klondike ice cream bar of the day, I am going to be at the gym for 3 hours tomorrow.

Andi addresses the Ron situation and manages to make it about herself...impressive. Hmm my Chromebook does not have an Ethernet port, guess I am not ditching my Windows laptop immediately. Eric is on a one on one with Andi and then a huge bouquet of flowers from Nick arrives, it leaves Eric speechless...well done Nick - it earns him a kiss, though we now know those are not special.

During his one on one Marquel asks Andi what her favorite color is, she says "Black, is black a color?" Marquel has a huge grin and I await a text from E...she does not fail me - "Bow chicka bow wow"...I know her so well

Andrew apparently hit on a waitress one of the nights the group was out, he got her number and brought it back to show the other guys...if that really happened, could he have been that dumb? He is confronted by the 2 guys that already have roses. They of course tell him, that they are there for the right reasons! Andrew walks off with the guys chasing after him telling him to be a man. Commercial break, we come back and he is still hidden in his room...by this point in 'Love and Hip Hop' punches would already have been thrown, come on Andrew, come out swinging.

He finally comes out of his room, (his speech seems rehearsed) he claims that the waitress just handed him the number (he is not good looking enough for that) and that what all the guys remember is wrong. Andrew does the move of confronting the accusers and trying to belittle them I have used that move...not saying it is the best move it is just a move I am very familiar with.

None of the guys tell Andi about the Andrew situation and the rose ceremony begins.

1.0 aka Marquel gets his rose (I know, I know it is terrible of me to track his progress). The final rose is down to Andrew, the opera singer and I think the hair stylist, for the sake of drama and my peace of mind, I want the opera singer to go and for Andrew to get it...it works out. The opera singer gets booted on the episode that had a singing competition - glorious.

The preview for tomorrow has Andi yelling at someone and it is clearly not Marquel...ask me how I know.

The blooper reel shows the guys singing B2M’s ‘I’ll make love to you” I think that song is ruined forever, btw Mistresses premiers tomorrow...just saying.