Bachelor recap or "how do I tell you I already did the thing you told me not to?"

Let me turn on during Black History Month a show that has consistently been some of the whitest programming this side of the CMAs.

All those people who told me Mike should not be Bachelor and now hate Peter I hope they cringe every Monday night.

I made sure to fill out my ballot and took it up to the mail slot before watching tonight's episode because I firmly believe this show makes me make bad decisions.

 

We return to the Camarillo Airport hangar just post rose ceremony as Madison takes Peter aside to tell him that she is not the type to have sex in the fantasy suites because she is saving herself for marriage, she made sure to do this after getting the rose but Madison never actually tells Peter she is saving herself for marriage.

 

Madison tells Peter that if he sleeps with someone else in the fantasy suites she would not be able to move on in the show – "Gee it is going to be really hard for me" Madison actually said "gee."

Peter as is his wont is confused by people speaking plainly to him "What is it you are asking me to do?"

Peter asks Madison to be clear so she says "In no way do I want to give you an ultimatum…but for me actions speak louder than words, and I am just really big on that."

 

Let us keep it real Peter's most famous accomplishment before becoming the Lead was having sex four times in a windmill it comes off as weird that Madison would sign up for this show stay on it this long and then place a no sex ultimatum on the lead.

 

Off to the Gold Coast, Australia:

Peter tries out a terrible Aussie accent, which I recognize because mine is terrible too, I just have the good sense to not do mine on camera.  

 

In a different twist on the usual format the show has all the women rooming together

Madison calls the Gold Coast "for sure the best place we have been to so far" shout out to Cleveland you know you feeling mad! "Racist" Victoria (RV) calls their living situation awkward, I finally agree with her on something.

I really wonder if after Madison expressed all of her reservations with Peter the show changed the living situation to put all the ladies in one suite.

 

Hannah Ann (HA) is the first date out of the box:

Peter tells us that he sees in HA someone willing to live life to the fullest…she is 23?

As usually happens with this show the first date of fantasy suites week is kind of boring because you know the producers are setting up the fireworks for later.

Cue the evening portion and Peter telling HA "I feel so good about us, I could see us doing this for a lifetime" "when I tell you I am falling in love with you, I mean that with every fiber of my being."

When the Fantasy suite invite is read HA says "clearly I am in love with you…I am not going to turn down an opportunity to spend some more time with you."

Peter and HA pop a bottle of champagne in their suite and I think a little piece of Kelsey's soul just died if she is watching this.

 

Back to the main suite and Madison and RV are talking, Madison is saying that the dinner portion is about to start and RV gleefully says "or getting ready for bed" which makes Madison scowl.

 

Back to Peter and HA making out on a balcony and Peter asking HA "shall we explore inside?" Subtle bro, subtle.

Peter and HA are making out on the bed and then we get their silhouettes against a bathroom door with a hand that looks like HA's pressed against the door, but because I do not trust anything from this show I will make zero speculation.

 

Next morning Madison is telling RV that she is close to her breaking point and HA returns.

RV asks "How did it go?" "It went really well." And then silence descends on the group.

 

It is now RV's time  to get ready to go.

Madison "This is such a weird week"

 

RV and Peter:

As they hug RV pulls away saying she doesn't want to get makeup "all over your white shirt" this feels like a metaphor.

The helicopter budget kicks in and the couple takes a tour of the gold coast.

"I love everything about my relationship with Victoria except when it comes to communication…"  EVERYTHING EXCEPT YOUR COMMUNICATION IN A RELATIONSHIP!

 

Peter and RV talk about their problems communicating "and like" "like" well "like" they need to get on the same page.

Peter says RV coming to see him in the hotel room after her failed hometown date is what convinced him that RV wanted to be with him.

 

Back to the hotel suite, Madison - "Peter sleeping with anyone else definitely makes me uncomfortable" this causes HA to squint. HA tells us in a voice over "we knew what we signed up for." 

 

 

Evening portion of the RV and Peter date; and Peter is spending much of the date reassuring RV, she is a Svengali.

Peter gives RV the fantasy suite invite and she turns it back on Peter "What do you think?" so he has to tell her that he wants to spend more time getting to know her.
"This dinner conversation has been a huge turning point for us, I don't think that I have had another conversation that has had me feeling so good about someone" after Peter uttered those words I rewound the whole dinner because I thought I must have been distracted and missed something…Dear reader, I had not.

RV says that in her past relationships no one asked her how she was feeling so when Peter asks her questions she claims that she thinks something must be wrong…Peter "it is no secret that at points you have tried to push me away…and you have not" I am half worried that I am watching an abusive relationship as a form of entertainment. Peter asks RV why she tries to push him away and she just says "I don't know" and resorts to tears, RV says a whole lot of nothing and Peter says "this has been good for us" RV simply says "I agree." Seriously send her to mind control our enemies!

 

RV is amazed by the fantasy suite "It is a pretty good feeling to be happy."

This is a full statement by RV: "I know I told you last time, and it was like in a weird way, but like I am falling in love with you and I don't know, tonight just like, yeah" that was it that was the whole statement that led to a Peter kiss, that counts as an expression of feelings. Cue the rolling around in the bed.

 

Back to Madison "I think it is hard to think about Peter being with Victoria, that makes me sad" girl I do not agree with anything you have said re fantasy suites, but it does make me sad thinking of anyone being with RV.

 

Back to RV and Peter and we have the 'wake up in bed' scene.

RV "I feel like I was falling in love with you, but now I am in love with you" I guess Peter really is that good in bed. "We are just so connected now, and he is just my person."

 

RV returns to the hotel suite and as she tells Madison and HA about her date Madison has to walk away.

 

Madison and Peter:

Madison runs up for a kiss.

For part of their date Madison and Peter will be scaling the side of the tallest building in the Gold Coast, 270 meters up. You can always tell who the lead likes the most based on how cool the date is. Funny to catch some producers in the background of the shot looking extremely bored on their phones. The height of the building being listed made me look up places I have visited to see if I have been higher, I have, but I did not get to do it in the same spectacular fashion.

 

Back to the suite and RV is shocked that Madison has not told Peter that she is saving herself for marriage.

RV says Madison's actions makes her mad for Peter.

 

On to the nighttime portion of Peter and Madison – Peter tells us that he needs to "be very clear and honest with" Madison.

Peter asks Madison if she would be able to walk away from him if she found out he slept with the other 2 and she says that she cannot wrap her mind around the fact that Peter might have slept with someone else and then "6 days later get down on one knee." Madison's "6 days later" lament is fair in almost every other circumstance except here, this show is all about compressing the dating experience into multiple persons and limited time.

 

Peter tells Madison that he does not want to tell her details of his relationship with the other women but Madison still wants to know what happened with the other women.

Peter finally breaks down "I won't give you any details…but I have been intimate…I cannot lie to you about that."

After hearing Peter's 'confession' Madison asks to be excused from the table "for just a second."

Madison in an ITM "He knew coming into this week, because I made it very clear, that there was a chance he could lose me if he made certain decisions and he made them anyway…I'm so frustrated with him and I am so mad at him."

Peter comes out to Madison to ask her what she wants to do while imploring her to not walk away and in dramatic fashion after telling Peter she is uncertain what she is going to do Madison walks away.

 

Someone pointed out that HA and RV both rock crosses while critiquing Madison's leaning on religion, and I cannot stop chuckling.

 

Blooper Reel:

Has Peter freaking out as RV sneaks up on him from behind

Bachelor recap or where a pilot takes the show in for a crash landing.

Whew it looked for a second like my DVR had not recorded this show, I cannot sit through watching it on the ABC app because I cannot sit through commercials and not being able to zip forward past the "coming up next" portions.

 

We start with Peter in bed in Peru telling us he is going on hometown dates…you know we could have just gone to the hometowns right?

 

Knoxville, TN with Hannah Ann:

It is raining and that seems right because Peter with Hannah Ann (HA) looks like Chris from "To Catch a Predator" should show up, I almost expect to see Peter with a 6 pack of Zima.

HA tells Peter that she needs to make a man out of him so he can "prove to my dad that this California man is tough" just as I am about to be ticked at the stupid belief that Cali men cannot be tough, Peter struggles to throw an ax. It takes him forever but Peter finally throws a bullseye and a bunch of people (who apparently do not have jobs?) start cheering.

 

Since HA wrote him a letter Peter writes her a letter, and in it points out something that does not diminish my childlike view of HA – she named every dress she has ever worn?

 

Meeting the parents:

HA's mom starts crying the minute she sees her daughter as if she had gone away to war. I do not get these super emotional reunions when the kid has only been away for mere weeks.

HA's dad is mean mugging Peter from the jump off.

HA's sister pulls her aside and asks "do you love him?...has he said he loves you?" "Well not technically,...but he wrote me a letter" HA pulls out the letter and her sister starts bawling, good lord Kelsey is going to watch this and think she has competition.

HA's mom grills Peter but then basically says it is all up to the dad – way to own your agency lady.

HA's dad gets the same response as the mom Peter wants to tell Hannah that he is "starting to fall in love with her." "I ask you as a father that you do not say that to her unless you wholeheartedly mean that." So of course Peter immediately tells HA that her dad warned him, he is remarkably consistent in his jello nature.

I suspect Peter posts to the Nextdoor app.

Peter says he can "100% see myself getting down on one knee for her" cynic in me thinks that is just for oral.

 

 

Des Moines, IA and Kelsey:

The generic hug, lift and kiss for the reunion.

Kelsey takes Peter to stomp grapes. As they stomp Peter and Kelsey continue Peter's streak of terrible dancing, and lifting up to the waist to makeout…coronavirus is rampant damn it.

I cannot lie I clown both of these peeps all the time, but this looks like a bloody fun date.

Kelsey tells Peter that she is in love with him, he makes out with her then says "That makes me really happy, really happy." "I can definitely see a future with us, so thank you." Contrast Peter's reaction to Kelsey's love declaration with HA's I think Kelsey is in trouble here.

 

Let's meet the Parents:

Kelsey's family screams as she walks in. The house and family look like a Hallmark movie (you can blame my mom for that reference).

Peter freaks out "so this is crab rangoon" because her family wanted to share some of Kelsey's favourite foods and Peter has never had it.

Kelsey tells her sisters that she is ready to marry Peter.

Kelsey's mom tells Peter that she is a great reader of people, I have often found that people who say that are actually really bad at reading people, they just think they are right with their impressions.

The mom tells Peter "do not break my baby's heart."

I'm assuming this is a step dad talking to Kelsey asking about her largest concern – heartbreak -  yup here comes a chyron, it is Mike the stepdad.

Kelsey and her mom have a heart to heart and Kelsey points out the obvious "I cry a lot" and they both cry together.

 

Auburn, AL and Madison:

 

"This place means literally the wole world to me." Madison gushes more about Auburn when Peter pulls up telling him that "this place shaped me." Madison tells Peter how to say "War Eagle" and the proud LONGHORN in me laughs at their silliness.

They get to go on the basketball court, and Peter and Madison's names are on the big screen and they get a greeting from Charles Barkley via video then a meeting with Bruce Pearl, this feels like a recruiting video for Auburn. Bruce Pearl and Madison put Peter through some basketball drills, he is not good.

 

I mock Peter, but damn that would be cool to get to play on a college court and meet a coach (shh don’t tell the Horns but when I worked at the arena I went on the court ALL THE BLOODY TIME, the first time I was able to jump and touch a hoop was on the Texas court…I probably should have been fired a dozen times over…I miss that job).

Peter tells us that he remains confident that even though Madison has not said she loves him she is feeling it - They defile the court by lying down and making out at center court.

 

Meet the Parents:

Madison's sisters run to hug her as she walks in. Mr and Mrs. Prewet are huggers.

The Prewet family has a tradition where the person who has the 'special plate' has everyone tell them something they like about them, and coincidentally tonight Madison has it…"genuine and real"

My family has a tradition too, we eat.

Peter seems unsure what to do when the family joins hands to pray.

The family toasts with sweet tea.

 

Tonya (Madison's mom) takes Madison aside to talk and they go sit on a bed and it instantly bugs me that Madison gets on the bed with her shoes on as in, SHE IS ON THE DAMN BED with sneakers.

Madison and her mom talk about Madison's pledge to save herself for marriage.

Peter tells Madison's dad that he has told Madison that he is falling for her, the dad asks "how can you tell me that, that is genuine?" Another dad tells Peter he doe not want him breaking his daughter's heart. Chad (dad) does not seem to like Peter that much. Chad reminds Madison that when she was a baby "I laid hands on you and prayed for your future husband" guess it is a good thing she is not gay?

 

So much time is still left in this episode so I am expecting 'racist' Victoria's (RV's) hometown date to be epic.

Madison does not have the 'talk' with Peter.

 

Virginia Beach, VA. RV's hometown:

I am surprised RV has a BLACK dog. Since it is VA Beach, they meet on the beach.

RV takes Peter to an old time photo shop, probably because she wants to return to a time when people still had slaves…yeah I said it.

Oh God, RV shares her icecream cone with her dog, if I saw that I would immediately end the date, Peter kisses her.

 

RV takes Peter to her "favorite spot" and there is a crowd and Peter yells "Hunter Hayes is in the house" which leads to more terrible dancing by Peter and RV on a platform, which makes me wonder – "Did RV date Hunter Hayes also?" RV tells us "Nailed it, (names the others girls and says they go home) I am Mrs. Weber."

Peter dances with the energy of a man who thinks he is much better than he is, I envy. You just know the producers demanded that Hayes sang "I want crazy"  think I am crazy? The song was released in 2013, no way does an artist sing a 7 year old song unless he is pushed to do it.

"I don’t want easy, I want crazy" Peter sings the Hayes lyrics and Victoria responds "are you sure?"

As Peter and RV part for the day, someone with a blurred face standing next to a security guard calls him over and Peter says "Merissa" which granted does not help me (until I get to the internet) but really kills the secrecy aspect of the blur "I saw you and I'm like she looks so familiar, wait you are from Virgina?" Even more clues, Peter bought a leather jacket from Merissa in 2012 when she worked for Guess. Merissa tells Peter to look out "you are a great guy and I don't think you deserve what you are on a date with right now." Merissa is former friends with RV and she tells Peter that many relationships have been broken up by RV. Hmm Peter hugs Merissa like she was an ex! 

 

So the show blurred her but clearly Merissa wanted to be on TV/in the media as she did the rounds.

https://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/why-peter-webers-ex-merissa-decided-to-go-on-the-bachelor/

 

 

Meet the parents?:

We start with RV standing outside her house waiting for Peter, when we cut to inside I wonder if RV is adopted.

HAHAHHAHA I CALLED IT, Peter says "I was walking and saw this girl I used to date" I knew that was the hug of exes.

Peter tells RV what Merissa said and RV respomds not that emphatically "For her to say that, that's very disappoining, I havent broken up any…what relationships have I broken up?"

RV "It's so much drama all the [bleeped] time!"

Peter tells RV that he doesn’t feel like she every fights for their relationship and that she always walks away and to deny it RV – WALKS AWAY, so meta.

RV's gambit of attacking first and walking away works, she gets Peter to apologize to her. Peter is vascilating between groveling and trying to take control "for whatever reason you continue to think that 'No I am just going to give up' and then you just walk up [sic] and leave." RV "then why are you so willing to stay?" Masterclass by RV here, forcing Peter to say "Have you not seen this entire time how much I have cared for you and how much you have meant to me?"

Plenty of tears – then Peter "You deserve to be loved, don't push that away"

Peter leaves without meeting the family.

RV's family comes out to comfort her and she says "He left" as if there was nothing more to it.

 

Next day?:

Peter is in his hotel room I guess talking to a producer "it breaks my hear hearing what she told me, I guess she is falling in love with me" and lo and behold there is a knock on the door, and you of course know it is RV.

RV "I hate what happened last night" "I am falling in love with you."

Peter "I hate this, but I feel like you don't even want me to love you the way that I want to love you…I feel like we have no communication skill…it just implodes, it's the most terrifying thing to me…how am I supposed to have any type of confidence in us…I see the 99% of it that is amazing…and just that 1% of it, it terrifies me."

RV "For some reason I just cant walk away from you" OH REALLY? Peter "but you kind of do" there we go.

RV "I can't let you leave without you knowing that I am falling in love with you."

Peter "I don't want to make any decision right now" RV thanks him, but hey it is very rare the lead would make any decision at this moment anyway, but sure let's pretend to be magnanomous. As RV leaves she gives Peter the oldtimey photo card "here, hang on to that."

 

Back to the Left Coast – Los Angeles, CA., Rose ceremony time:

Peter tells us that he is not sure yet who he is sending home.

RV is the last lady to arrive and she tells us "I am so drained emotionally."

The rose ceremony is being conducted in a hangar, did you guys know Peter is a pilot?

 

The first rose goes to Hannah Ann, and RV is already freaking out, Madison gets the next rose, leaving it down to the two women in the same shade of green; Kelsey and RV and the rose goes to RV! Kelsey do not feel bad girl you came all the way back from champagnegate and you are my favorite of the remaining girls and because of that I am glad you escaped before the fantasy suites, this is also making me think the push for making you the Bachelorette has validity, this is a prime spot for future leads.

 

Peter "I know that my wife is in this hangar right now" as Peter tells the ladies they are going to Gold Coast Australia, Madison looks panicked and now needs to talk to Peter.

 

I hope people have the same energy with Madison next week that they had with Luke P, just because he was aggro does not mean that Madison's demands are any less weird to put on someone in this kind of show, I reserve the right to reverse this statement if the promo department of the Bachelor tricked us.

 

Apparently RV has a rough legal past: 

https://heavy.com/entertainment/2020/02/victoria-f-fuller-arrested-mugshot/

 

 

Blooper Reel:

RV's family waiting in vain inside for Peter.

 

Never forget as you see Peter's terrible decision making, he flies commerical jets for Delta…hope you do not dwell on that next time you are flying them.

Bachelor recap or tell me why it shouldn't be Madison.

The girls are now in Lima, Peru and in accord with the tourist board the girls walk around the city and exclaim about how beautiful it is.

6 girls remain!

 

Peter talks to his mom and I can in advance see the cringe that will be on my friend Ali's face when she hears his Spanish.

 

Peter meets the girls at their hotel to give them a speech about being sure they want to be there or some such, if you think I paid proper attention you have not read me before. The next day the girls are all forced to sit around and have a chat about their "serious talk" (now that I listen to more and more Bach podcasts I now know they are required to sit in a group and do these).

 

As Natasha tells us that she has not yet had a one on one, a date card shows up for Madison…Natasha has a death stare. I suspect Natasha's pensive look is her wondering if she should pack now or after lunch.

 

Madison - One on one date:

Peter and Madison go fishing, and I want to make a joke about crabs. Peter catches a fish, I now think they had divers down there to hook one on for him…yes I know I am cynical.

 

While the boring date continues, we cut back to the hotel and Natasha finally gets a date card "vamos a explorar" and she is shocked.

 

Back to the date and Peter continues his streak of being a bad dancer!

Madison tells Peter she wants someone that embodies her dad…"such a strong relationship with the Lord." To Madison faith is "all of who I am." Peter says "I do feel like sometimes my faith could be stronger…but it is something that is important to me, I promise you that." Peter has the look of a man who just wants to say the right words to get the girl in front of him to accept him. Pater then breaks protocol and says "I know that I am falling in love with you." Madison "I am so glad you said that, I needed that."

If you couldn’t tell that Madison was a front runner from week one I do not know what to tell you. Madison of course gets the date rose, with Peter saying "I just had the most amazing date with you again" this is despite this being a boring date, when you are in love you are in love…this means Peter will be off to meet Madison's family.

 

 

Natasha one on one:

I suspect I should be nervous for her.

Of course on their date they come upon street musicians and Peter and Natasha get to stand inside the circle of regular patrons watching, this allows Peter to do some more terrible dancing.

 

Peter tells Natasha that she has been the realest with him, he says "maybe too honest" that part said in jest, but I scent traces of truth. Natasha says she hasn't dated in four years then says her last guy said "that I was too intense for him" oh girl, Peter is kind of shallow, you sure this is the tact to take?

 

Back to the hotel and Kelsey gets the next one on one, Hannah Ann, 'racist' VF and Kelley are not pleased, I cannot say they hide it well.

You can see the clear difference between Madison's date and Natasha's date, Peter asks Natasha to tell him if she thinks they can be together long term vs his gushing over Madison. Natasha says "you know a lot."

Peter picks up the rose to tell Natasha that "at the point that I am at with these other relationships, I cannot give you this rose" then puts it down to tell her that she is amazing and "I don't know if I waited too long to give us that chance." It is a cruel move by Peter if it his idea or the show if their idea (I would have refused their request) to hold the rose like it is going to be presented then tell someone that they are going home.

The show features an orchestra playing dramatic music as the breakup happens, makes me wonder if that would have been the romantic concert should the rose have been presented since Peter overlooks them from a balcony while holding a rose.

 

Kelsey one on one date:

Before Kelsey leaves for her date she has to dramatically place her suitcase in the foyer in case the show has to send someone in to take it out of the room to signify the end of her time! I hate to say it but that suitcase looked superlight the way she was handling it…reality tv would never lie to us though, so Kelsey is probably super strong.

 

Kelsey and Peter take ATVs through the countryside. Then run up a hill and fall into each other's arms winded as Peter asks Kelsey what she wants to do in life: She wants to work a couple days a week "but still be able to spend a few days at home with the kids" uhmm that does not seem practical but hey do you.

Peter says "that was a really fun day" and Kelsey pipes up "I told you I am not emotional" that would worry me if someone had to constantly tell me that.

Kelsey tells Peter that if he goes to her hometown he will meet her mom but not her dad because while she did not have a relationship with her dad for years (partly because she did not like that "god told him to do that [leave her mom and not communicate with the kids]…that was a cop out" she and her dad reunited a year ago but her mom does not know about the reunification. Again contrast this date with Natasha as Kelsey does not have to tell Peter why she should remain.

Kelsey tries to kiss Peter even before he can give her the date rose and ask to go see her family in Iowa.

 

Back to the hotel and the 3 on 1 date card shows up "Tomorrow wont be easy."

Kelley tells us that she was annoyed to not get the one on one last night and tonight "I am still annoyed" she calls VF and Hannah Ann children "and who wants to be on a date with them?"

The producers have clearly decided to use Kelley to trash the other girls.

 

3 on 1 date:

The girls take turns hugging Peter as they walk up, it all seemed so formal.

The group meets up with the owner of the hacienda that is over 250 years old he has been married for over 36 years, the hacienda grounds have a chapel and the owner offers to marry them (does Peru allow polygamy?).

 

Hannah Ann is the first to speak to Peter alone. When Peter asks HA how she is doing she says "this week has been really hard on me." Peter tells HA that life is not always all good and he worried that he was only seeing "the all good side of you." HA "I am a very cheesy person, so I wrote down the reasons why I am falling for you" that list is 20 items long on pink paper! Way to not look childish.

While HA and Peter are on their alone time VF is freaking out that there are 2 roses on the table in front of her and Kelley while Kelley just lounges. VF "I guarantee that he is going to come and pick up one of those roses and give to [HA] I guarantee it" she was wrong.

 

Kelley is snagged next by Peter. Kelley with her practical nature tells Peter that not every relationship has to have them jumping through hoops, Peter hates that she says things could be "fun" he wants her to struggle? Peter clearly just wants someone to break down and cry, he has a type and a mode he wants and Kelley is not going to give him that.

 

Speaking of Struggle, here's VF!

Peter wants to know if they have resolved the problems from their one on one where VF intimated that she wanted to leave, "I just want to hear from you, what you make of that." VF "I don't really know and uhmm…If that is what you want to use our time to talk about right now" wait what? Hold on girl the lead is concerned about your doubts and you insult him and tell him that when y'all hang out "you are always in a mood." Peter clearly wants VF to stay because if anyone had spoken to me like she did while I have an option of FOUR OTHER girls I would immediately have cut them!

 

OH NO KELLEY do not get suckered into this, "I think Peter has kind of an easy decision, I mean look at me, I am an attorney, the other girls, what are they? I am ready for a rose!" Kelley please stop making us all look so bad, do not lean into that stereotype girl.

 

Peter says that the decision today will be done without the need of a dinner, he picks up a rose and then says "Victoria can I talk to you." VF and Peter walk off with Peter holding a rose and Peter walks her all the way over to the car away from the other girls, who are now crowing because they are thinking that it is a lock she is going home – THEY ARE WRONG!

I feel like I just watched VF pull off a master class in gaslighting.

 

Peter comes back to the remaining 2 women, picks up a rose and says each girls name and what he has liked about them "this hurts me and this is so difficult, Hannah Ann will you accept this rose?" Kelley is doing everything she can to not look pissed. As soon as Kelley and Peter walk off to go to the car HA breaks down bawling like she was the one sent home. While HA is crying I check my bank statement, see because I am a lawyer and I have a job and I don't know what she does and blah, blah, blah see Kelley it is gauche to 'profession drop.'

 

Kelley has a super salty exit interview in the car: "Do I agree with it no, I question his intentions because I do not know what phase he is in life, the four that are left are like little babies. They don't really know who they are. Are you a child, or are you an adult? But clearly he does not agree." "I don't really want him to waste my time either, thank you for not coming to meet my family."

 

"Congratulations Kelley you played yourself" DJ Khaled voice.

All that said, real congrats, you got to get a bunch of great vacations out of this and I do not think you actually wanted to get with Peter so apart from slandering our profession, girl you a hero!

 

Blooper reel:

Has Peter explaining to the owner of the hacienda the concept of the show "You are dating these three girls?" "Ah that's a situation, yes a situation for sure." Bruh, you rented out your house to a show you do not understand? I am supposed to believe this?

Bachelor Episode 6 recap or an overdose of love in a week

I am coming off partying in Miami for Super Bowl week, why do the Bachelor producers hate me? I need some me time.

 

The show whisks the girls off to Chile:

 

And Mykenna is still crying about not getting her time with Peter.

"Mykenna is very weepy like a sad wet dog on the side of the road" – 'Racist' Victoria F (VF)

 

Hannah Ann gets the one on one date:

 

One of the girls says "I am happy for her" and Natasha honestly says "I am not."

Hannah Ann asks Peter "to teach me something in Spanish" Peter speaks to her like a man who just learned Spanish in high school and not someone with a Spanish speaking parent (I am hoping it was because he was trying to teach).

 

As always happens with a Bachelor date they come upon a street fair, and the move of finding a couple that has been married for a long time, the wife says "she is so young" we all think that my dear.

Peter asks the couple what is the secret to staying married for a long time  - "communication…and Love with BIG LETTERS."

Guess the producers had to scramble, a 20 year long marriage seems short for this show's usual trope.

 

I miss my parent's smart DVR it is nice being able to just press fast forward and have the machine automatically stop.                                                                                                                                                                                 

 

Peter is surprised that Hannah Ann has never been in love SHE IS 22!

Hannah Ann says she wants to go deep, she doesn't want superficial, the superficial waters only allow you to catch minnows, I am sure in her head this is profound.

Peter walks away during their nighttime date from Hannah Ann because he needs 'time to think' about whether she is ready, he runs away A LOT! Hannah Ann goes to find him and starts to cry (because it has already been proven that tears melt Peter) and Peter immediately says "this is what I wanted to see." Of course Hannah Ann (okay I gotta go to HA I can't type that name out all the time) gets the date rose.

 

Back at the hotel and 2 date cards arrive; Mykenna after hearing her name on the group date card says "I feel like I want to vomit" Mykenna is weeping, as VF gets the solo date card.

 

The Group date:

The ladies are on the set of a telenovela and they will be playing the stars on "El Amore De Pedro"

Mykenna plays the maid who is constantly in the background lusting after the star Pedro, Mykenna thinks this is true to life for her.

 

Kelley plays Pedro's (Peter's grandma) and terms herself a "GILF Grandma I would like to Fantasy Suite with."

In the end Pedro ends up with the Maid but his dad OMCH comes in to yell as the couple is making out that the Maid is actually Pedro's aunt…ah telenovelas.

 

Evening portion:

Kelsey is thanking Peter for trusting in her.

The Demi look alike Victoria P (VP) asks to sit on Peter's lap because "touch is one of my love languages." All that touching does not help VP because Peter tells her "I don't know if I can see you as my wife" and this ends her journey. VP tells Peter "I am worried for you…I hope that you are making the right decisions." VP immediately asks for a car "can I get a car, can I get a cab" as she is asking the other girls are commenting that she and Peter have been together for over an hour.

Madison finally getting some screen time, has her time with Peter occupied by reading a new telenovela script that Peter wrote just for them and an exaggerated make out session.

 

Uh oh as the girls are recapping the day Mykenna is being super cheerful and Tammy calls her out (Mykenna had packed her bags before the date). As Tammy tries to question Mykenna, Kelsey jumps in to defend her. I like Tammy but she is really putting herself out on a skinny limb in picking her battles (Natasha calls her out in an ITM) and her confrontation with Mykenna and Kelsey leads to shouting that Peter and Madison can hear from the outside during their make out session.

Mykenna asks Tammy if she is going to talk to Peter about their issues, Tammy says she will not, but then Mykenna immediately goes to find Peter and brings up Tammy.

 

Peter "the rose is going to go to someone that has me really, really excited about the future, Madison."

'Racist' Victoria F one on one:

The date has the couple learning how to be a huaso, and observing some horseplay (I couldn't help myself).

 

Peter is asking VF why it feels like she wants to sabotage their relationship. VF says she does not know "specifically why I put my walls up" Peter tells her that if she sees something with him like he sees with her he needs her to take the walls down. VF plays the game of saying Peter might prefer someone else and causes Peter to tell her that he is crazy about her. VF says she feels like she is going to throw up so she gets up from the table to go to the bathroom to talk to a producer, while Peter remains at the table asking a producer "what do I say, what do I do?"

VF says "literally this is the most I have ever tried with anybody" this is trying?

 

Cut back to the hotel Natasha and Sydney are discussing VF and Peter and they think that it is clear that Peter is really into VF. The ladies are not wrong because Peter repeatedly tells us he wants VF.

 

Much of this is probably my inherent distrust of VF but I think she knows she has Peter sprung and she is playing the hard to get game to manipulate the situation. Of course VF accepts the rose from Peter.

 

As all the girls are contemplating the upcoming cocktail party and saying how much time they need to spend with Peter a date card shows up and it tells Mykenna and Tammy to meet Peter before the cocktail party for a '2 on 1' date with the last line "Enough is enough."

 

Tammy breaks out a stunning dress for the 2 on 1, it starts with Mykenna saying "I am going to say something to you and please do not interrupt me" and it’s a speech about "kindness wins, love wins."

Peter meets them and says "I am just going to be blunt and honest" he is seeking clarity because he wants to be done with the drama "there is no room for it at this point."

 

Tammy is up first, Tammy says that Mykenna is there to brand build and tells Peter that Mykenna had said her goodbyes before the last date.

Mykenna goes next and rebuts it all.

 

Peter sits back down between the two women and says "Mykenna I heard everything you had to say and I believe you…Tammy can I walk you out?"

Tammy in the car "he wants a trophy wife, and I am not that. I am not gonna change for a man."

 

The cocktail party is just all the girls trying to reassure Peter that they are there for him.

I will be honest I am sad to see Tammy go, I enjoyed the bit she brought to this show.

 

Rose Ceremony:

The first rose goes to Kelsey, (makes sense now that Tammy is gone), Natasha surprised me and gets a rose, the final rose goes to Kelley. Mykenna and Sydney are both gone, BOTH girls who attacked Tammy, so look Tammy just beat y'all to picking up a better suite at the goodbye hotel…

Sydney is in tears as she leaves, so too is Mykenna but that one you could have guessed without me saying anything. Now as everyone has noted this season feels clearly producer driven, what was the point of retaining anyone from the 2 on 1 to then send the girl home hours later? Drama, that’s the point.

 

Bloopers:

Peter is going to town on bbq on his date with VF and talking about the meat sweats which is something VF cannot relate to because she is a vegetarian "sounds kind of gross' "I am a vegetarian but I would eat meat for Peter one time, but not more than one time though."

Bachelor Recap of extended episode or how I learned to pill pop in the shadows.

It's the first time this season I have watched an episode via Hulu and the tagline for the season on it is "Expect Turbulence" so bloody cheesy. 

The 'drama' from last week continues in Cleveland with many of the girls vocally annoyed with Peter and Peter is hiding in a room away from them. Natasha "she made her bed and she has to A-Lay-yah in it!"

Peter pulls Alayah aside and tells her that he doesn’t want to put her through any more drama but "it is probably time to say goodbye."

Peter walks Alayah out walking hand in hand to which some girls say "the disrespect" at this time they do not know Alayah is being booted. More than a few girls say they no longer trust Peter – many sound like they play for the 76ers "I try to trust this Process but I just never know what is going on in his head."

After pacing around for a bit Peter finally returns to the ladies waiting for him inside. Peter tells the girls "I value you all so much, I trust you" "I am not wishy washy…I know what I want and Alayah is not it." Natasha is the first girl pulled aside after this, Peter tells her he is surprised she is still here (in jest). Peter is basically on an apology tour with all the women.

Rose Ceremony time:

Madison gets the first rose, then Sydney, then Natasha, then Lexi, then Hannah Ann, then Shiann, then Mykenna, then Victoria P, (Deandra is sweating), then Kelley, and the final rose goes to Tammy leaving Deandra crestfallen. As she leaves Deandra tells Peter "I am so confused" Peter cannot give her a good answer (granted at that moment is any answer going to make you feel better?)

Peter's toast "aside from all this drama I have had a great time with you." Peter then tells them they are going to a place with "lush jungles…active volcanoes. Ladies get excited we are going to Costa Rica." Unlike Cleveland this actually gets a joyful reaction.

The Tourism Board advertising disguised as show content begins:

We start with Peter alone, driving around and showing off sites/sights

Peter meets the girls wearing a bandage on his face and the girls ask what happened, Peter starts off with a story about finding a "little volcano. so I found a trail to take me up to it…as I was walking a puma crosses my path…locked eyes…and my animal instinct took over…and if you think this is bad you should see him right now." The actual story is Peter walked into a Golf cart, while holding a glass in his hand, hits his head on the top of the cart and then into the glass in his hand breaking the glass into his forehead and requiring 22 stitches, the show detailed it with a mix of recreation and actual footage and it was awesome.

Sydney gets the first one on one date:

And the helicopter budget kicks in for this season. As Sydney says "the other girls must be freaking out" we cut back to the house and I think Kesley (?) is freaking out claiming she has already fallen in love.

Back to Sydney and Peter taking a picnic, and Sydney thanking Peter for choosing this date for her (she knows that Peter doesn't pick the dates right, especially not in a foreign country?).

Peter tells Sydney that he finds her mysterious and she says she gets that all the time. Peter says in Spanish that "our love will take off today" after Sydney says she knows a little Spanish, in reply Sydney kisses him (good way when you do not understand what was said). Peter tells Sydney she is the best kisser and that needs to be their little secret, then they immediately bump heads causing pain to the stitched area.

Back to the hotel and Kelley gets the one on one date and showing her knowledge of the show expresses apprehension because she says "I don't have a sob story."

We then cut back to Sydney's date and she is telling us the perils of growing up a mixed race kid in Alabama, her classmates were horrible to her and she ate lunch in the bathroom to hide from them and she thinks that plus her parent's divorce is part of why she is so withdrawn…this of course leads to Peter-Kisses. Peter calls her a very strong woman, he then ups the ante and says "you have qualities I could see in my wife" while presenting her the date rose…even Peter acknowledges that it is early to say all of that. This all leads to a massive makeout session in a pool grotto type area.

Back to the hotel and Tammy is being practical as she tries to help Kelsey out and reminding her that only one girl can be picked at the end. Kelsey rants about Sydney being fake. Tammy says Kesley is "a hot mess" and cries for days on end "four days over a bottle of champagne, I didn't cry that much when my grandpa died."

Group Date time:

The girls meet Peter and they are joined by people from Cosmopolitan magazine for a photo shoot, which is supposed to be featured on the March issue of Cosmo (funny thing is the news broke in advance of the episode that Cosmo wouldn't be using the photos for the magazine because of the girl that won…which immediately let me know who won).

When the photographer says we need something more dramatic in a group shot 'racist' Victoria F. (VF) kisses Peter earning boos from the other girls. All of these women look great in swimsuits and look natural modeling, I suspect they all have some great 'Insta' photos. Victoria F (she of the previous modeling experience but pretending to not have any) expresses/feigns shock that she gets chosen for the cover photo. Forgive me if I find nothing genuine about VF.

Kelsey tells Peter that she has been a bit standoffish because it is hard for her doing group dates coming off of having a one on one, and she is falling in love with him…earns her kisses…though girls saying their pet goldfish died when they were 18 months old earn kisses. While Kelsey and Peter are off making out the other girls are talking about her and VF says that the night before Kelsey said that she was the realest girl on the show and the others were all fake, being called fake leads Tammy to tell Peter her 'concerns' about Kelsey.

Peter calls Kelsey back because he needs to know what "is too much of a red flag for me." He says "I heard you had a bit of a breakdown when we left on that one on one yesterday" "I mean I was a bit emotional but I would not call it a breakdown."

Kelsey crying tells us that “yeah I cried a lot yesterday, but that does not mean I am having an emotional breakdown.”  Kelsey comes back and confronts the other girls saying that others cry in the bathroom she just chooses to not hide her tears, Kelsey wants to know who told Peter that she was having a breakdown, Tammy initially does not respond and allows her to be confronted by other girls, but finally has enough, VF tells Kelsey that she is sick of the drama and Tammy tells Kelsey “you were upset over a bottle of champagne for 4 days!” That champagne issue really stuck in Tammy’s craw.

Peter says this rose goes to someone who was “open and honest with me” and then says Hannah Ann, you can see the shock in the faces of the others I had mild shock too because I do not remember Hannah Ann saying a single word of substance this whole episode., but only mild shock because it so often just goes to the girl the lead thinks is hottest.

One on One with Kelley:

Being a lawyer myself I tend to have a love hate relationship with lawyers who appear on this show, so far I am not feeling Kelley, here is hoping this date improves it. Kelley you might remember met Peter just before the show began filming and Peter says he kept having ideas in his head “is it faith, is it meant to be” but since the first few days the relationship has plateaued.

Continuing an oft used Bachelor theme the couple goes to a shaman. The shaman lights some candles that are meant to be male and female candles but to me both just look like penises. “The male candle is melting towards the female candle but the female candle is pushing back, it is repressed” so says the shaman.

Back to the house and Kelsey is asking Tammy if she has a problem with her “I did talk to Peter about you, but it was not about you it was about me” Kelsey “sounds like a cop out” Tammy “That’s the emotions that I feel so I talked to him about it” Kelsey “Honey I talk about all my emotions with him” “DON’T CALL ME HONEY” (Tammy immediately caught that condescension like I expected her to). Tammy keeps bringing up Kelsey’s drinking; this has to be some epic drinking to stand out in the Bachelor house.

Back to the date and Peter says he is still having some doubts about Kelley.

Peter brings up his concerns to Kelley, and tells her “I cannot go any further with any reservations.” Kelley tells Peter she has felt like she has not had any time, and Peter says “that is not true” he tells her he thinks she has become complacent, it feels a shade mansplainy. Kelley says that she thinks she might be on different levels with herself and some of the other girls and she is concerned that Peter might “not be ready for a wife.” Kelley calls Peter out for enabling so much of the drama of the prior weeks and not nipping it in the bud. 

Peter wants to know what Kelley wants at the end of the show, she says something like an engagement but she cannot say an engagement quite yet because she (reasonably) is not there yet. Peter picks up the rose and gives a mini lecture that Kelley created doubt “but I need you to trust in this process…I am telling you because I know this can work”…should we point out that he is on this show because it DID NOT WORK for him, or the fact that the lead of his first season was on the first 2 episodes of this season because it DID NOT WORK FOR HER?

Tammy the next morning is talking to the other girls and is still bringing up Kelsey’s drinking, and says Kelsey is one of the most insecure girls she has ever known. In the meantime Kelsey is putting on makeup and leaves the villa, while the other girls are wondering where she is off to Tammy says “probably crying her eyes out.” Clearly a producer driven moment since Kelsey can find Peter’s villa and he just happens to be hanging out by his pool. 

Kelsey is previewing any potential problems other girls might bring to Peter about her, but he tells her he think she has been direct with him, so now Kelsey knows she has Peter on the hook and throws Tammy way under the bus. She accuses Tammy of saying she drinks a lot – true and then says “somehow it turned into me popping pills” – Wait what? FALSE! Unless the show edited out Tammy saying this to her, that popping pill accusation never happened, OR, I really do zone out while watching this show! Peter now tells us that he is worried that Kelsey might have felt “ostracized a little from the group.” Peter goes off and gets Kelsey a rose because “to be completely honest, I don’t need a rose ceremony to tell me how I feel about you.” 

So now Kelsey has a rose that she can take back to the other girls and as she walks up to the other girls and their stunned faces she says “Hey, I can explain…I went and had a conversation with Peter…We had a talk some things were said so hopefully tonight should be …[slowed down quieter voice]… smooth sailing.”

As the girls are eagerly waiting Peter OMCH comes up to tell them, no cocktail party we are going straight to the rose ceremony, 'because earlier today Peter received the clarity he needs.' Tammy confronts Kelsey and asks if she said anything to Peter about her, and Kelsey claims she only told Peter that they had a disagreement and Tammy’s commenting on her drinking – oh really? That’s it Kelsey?

Earlier in the day my friend Ali P told me how much she disliked Peter and this moment of Peter hiding from a cocktail party makes me agree with her.

Kelsey “I take Adderal and birth control” the girls are now turning on Tammy because they think it is her fault for Peter canceling the cocktail party. Sydney comes off like a bully and a liar pretending that she didn’t instigate problems herself and does not talk about others behind their back. As this goes on Mykenna keeps crying and freaking out because she will not be able to tell Peter “How great I am!” Tammy is going to be great on Bachelor in Paradise; I hope she takes the offer that I am sure they will extend to her. You have to remember that so many of these girls are young so the stupidity of these arguments has to be evaluated through the lens of immaturity.

Just as Peter is about to hand out the first rose Tammy asks him for a moment alone, she asks if the clarity that he told OMCH that he had received was because of something said at the group date, while she is talking to Peter telling him that she meant no harm, Mykenna comes over and steals him from Tammy. Other girls are now mad that Tammy and Mykenna got time with Peter.

VF gets the first rose, followed by Madison, Natasha, Victoria P, Mykenna (beaming) and the final rose goes to TAMMY! One of the girls who picked on Tammy (I did not bother to learn her name) is going home and I feel no pity for her, oh OMCH says her name - Lexi, as he tells her and Shiann to take the time to say their goodbyes.

Lexi on her way out says it sucks that 2 girls “took the time before the rose ceremony to make it a mini cocktail party”

Shiann on her way out tells Peter to be aware of some of the girls remaining…of course Peter immediately gets a scared look. 

The 'Blooper' reel moment is OMCH playing the role of an informant for Peter's forehead accident with his voice disguised but then his face clearly shown to end the 'interview.'