Bachelor recap or Nay, Nay, Nay you cannot listen to Shenae.

We return to the on going cocktail party that was 'to be continued' with Clayton wondering if anyone has ever taken a rose back before. 

The group is gathered on the couch of destiny and Sierra and Ency reveal that Cassidy has someone back home waiting for her, we are told more this week than 2 weeks ago, apparently Cassidy wanted to make her person back home jealous. (I have heard a lot of podcasts debate that it is wrong for the Bach to send someone home for a booty call, but my thought is when you have so many choices you are not going to want to deal with the person you have only known for a week at best and the person that apparently comes with built in drama with the other choices.) 

Cassidy sits back down and holds her rose up "Who has the rose bitches?!?" 

Clayton comes to pull Cassidy aside, she then says "I already know what you are going to say" then..."you go first" Clayton asks if she had a relationship just prior to the show, Cassidy then says "that is not what I thought you were going to say" which makes us all wonder what she thought he was going to say. 

"Clayton I have not spoken to a guy who I have any interest in a relationship with in a long time, do you not believe me?" The lawyer in me is loving how Cassidy parsed her words here. Clayton probes more and Cassidy then says she had a guy who is not interested in a relationship "I still wanna be friends, but I had no interest in having a relationship because it is not going anywhere." We see Clayton get up and walk away, then Cassidy follows behind crying "I cannot believe this is happening, I didn't do anything." 

"The general consensus is Cassidy is not here to find love." 

Cassidy trying to stop Clayton from saying the words she doesn't want to hear tries to kiss him. As Cassidy and Clayton are talking we hear other girls express how mean Cassidy has been to them, one girl says Cassidy asked her what her exit interview would be like and we then get a terrible phrase "holy shirt and pants y'all." 

As Cassidy is seen walking out "the wicked witch is gone y'all." Cassidy is bawling in the limo going home...does her rose become free or is that slot closed? 

Of course now women are worried that they did not get any time with Clayton during the cocktail party. 

Rose Ceremony: 

You think the family that owns the Bachelor mansion keeps all the trappings around when the show is not taping?

Roses go to - Eliza (she was the last person I added to my fantasy team, whew got her in just in time), Rachel, Serene, Sierra, Teddi, Lyndsey, Jill, Gabby, Kira (had her then removed her, drats), Mara, Marlena, Genevieve, Hunter, Melina (in a dress of multi-colors), Elizabeth (leading to Shanae's eye-rolling), and now the final rose is on the table and of course it goes to Shanae. Throughout the rose ceremony we had back and forth interviews of Shanae and Elizabeth throwing words at each other via the producers  with Shanae calling Elizabeth a bitch. As girls walk out to tears and hugs we get a voice over that sounds like Shanae but some of it is clipped like it really feels like Frankenbites "Sorry not sorry bitches...they are fake" but the word fake sounded so modified I almost wondered if they doctored it in and the editor forgot until the last second to remove the background audio. 

The next day and we get a viewer discretion warning. 

3 dates this week and first up is a group date "I see you..."

GROUP DATE: 

And the group goes to the Avalon (it's a night club in LA) and Kaitlyn is sitting in the dark with just a lone spotlight.

Given the warning at the start of this segment I am guessing we are about to data mine these women's past trauma for show content. 

Kaitlyn is going to "read you a bunch of statements and if they resonate with you please stand up." example "Stand up if there are parts of yourself that you are not proud of" and everyone stands (except Kaitlyn): It might be bad of me but I thought that question was going to be about physical parts until Clayton went first and spoke about past relationships.

We are told that one woman adjusted her whole appearance to please her ex, it was too traumatizing for me to rewind to find out her name. Marlena voices what I am sure most POC encounter going on the Bach/franchise she does not think she can talk to Clayton about race, to his credit he tells her she can open up to him as much as she wants. 

Evening Portion: 

The ladies all look stunning, while Clayton is barely above casual.

The show needs to keep the names up at least another week and definitely with so many of them looking the same, sounding the same and using so many generic phrases and the word "like" at a racecar pace. 

Susie who I did not recognize until her ITM gets a strong make out sesh and the loud kissing sounds. 

Back to the mansion - Sarah gets the one on one date card, goodness she is only 23. 

Eliza stands side by side with Clayton in a mirror so he can see how good they look together (she is not wrong). 

ONE ON ONE: 

"Today I recruited the help of my friend Becca Kuffrin" Clayton you aint gotta lie to kick it. Just say the show set it up. Becca claims that she set up a scavenger hunt around LA that the 2 have to do in their "skivvies" Sarah asks "what if you are not wearing underwear?" The couple goes behind privacy screens and comes out wearing matching under garments but they are of the flattering cut type that looks like the type you would think a jogger got just a shade too skimpy with.

This show can be exceedingly dumb sometimes. Sarah tells us her outfit "is a preview of the fantasy suite" while they both talk about "running around downtown LA in their underwear" they are conveniently in one park, I think it is Pershing Square. To end the 'scavenger hunt' the pair have to sing on microphones set up for the public to hear, Sarah is a better rapper than Clayton. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO PUT THEM IN UNDERWEAR, Nothing they did was improved by the undies. 

Back to the mansion and Elizabeth has made shrimp that she has offered to share with the group at large, some of whom are getting the black box treatment for their lower halves. Shanae tells us "first nice thing Elizabeth has done for me in 2 weeks" and then that "there was maybe like 15 shrimp in there but I took like 8 because I was hungry" (the show puts a convenient shrimp counter in the top right). I cringed watching Shanae plucking her shrimp out with her fingers from a communal bowl.

Elizabeth has a funny line - "There are 2 things that Shanae cannot keep out of her mouth, my name and shrimp." To get back in the good graces/show off that she can cook too Shanae makes her own batch of shrimp and offers it to a group lounging by the hot tub and very few of the women will look at her, this of course leaves Shanae annoyed. 

Back to the date - Evening portion: 

Sarah reveals her ethnic breakdown and the fact that she was adopted. 

Back to the mansion and a group date card arrives inviting the ladies to the beach and Shanae and Elizabeth are still in contention. 

Back to the date and Clayton tells Sarah "I think you exceeded all expectations today" I have heard podcasters mention that Clayton speaks like a football coach and you cannot not hear it "I want to give her my all, because she is doing that for me" I half expected him to say "She is giving a 110%." The couple gets serenaded by a string quartet. 

GROUP DATE 2: 

Melina says "we are gonna get sandy and get randy." Nicole Eggert shows up on the beach and the ladies pretend to recognize her and be excited about it.

In her confessional Gabby looks up while saying "Nicole Eggert from Baywatch, i loved that show as a little girl" with that look that kids do when they are lying. Gabby was born around 1992 Baywatch started in 1989 then ran its first run until 1999 I am not saying she couldn't have recognized Nicole, I am just suspicious. 

The women change into Baywatch style red swimsuits and Clayton joins in by taking off his shirt to reveal a farmer's tan.

The ladies then practice their slo-mo walk which Shanae ends with making out with Clayton (and a black box while she wraps her legs around Clayton) but Nicole says that the woman who wins extra time with Clayton is Gabby. Running up the sand dunes with Clayton requires the show to break out its Microsoft paint palette and adjust the fit on Gabby's swimsuit, so badly done. I draw horrible cartoons on my phone and I could still do a better job of fixing the swimsuit than the editors here. 

Evening Portion: 

Off to Clifton, Cafeteria & Cabinet of Curiosities which conveniently also has a couch of destiny for everyone to crowd around. 

Rachel's time with Clayton has her saying "You know what people are saying "I am getting validated, I am getting validated"" and she is wondering what they are getting from Clayton. He whisper-assures her "there is something special between us" leading to a lean back makeout. 

Gabby gets Clayton to take his shirt off so that she can apply aloe vera and a makeout. 

Some of the ladies are hoping for time with Clayton and think that if they do not get it it will be due to Shanae. Cue Shanae having time with Clayton and crying to him that she is having problems with Elizabeth "I'm not a liar, I'm not dramatic." Then the tears quickly clear up for a makeout. In her confessional "Oh my god he believed me, I have him...holy [expletive] I was good...I didn't mean to cry but I cried" waves her middle fingers in the air "[Expletive] Elizabeth" Shanae's middle fingers are blurred but then the shadow on her shirt clearly shows them. 

Elizabeth gets some time with Clayton and he immediately opens with "I talked to Shanae and she is really struggling, she says she is getting bullied." Elizabeth tells Clayton "there is nothing I have against her...I made her lunch the other day...I'm a GROWN ASS WOMAN." I was waiting for that line. Elizabeth breaks down into tears "like what did I do?"

Clayton does not really want answers if he did the solution is simple, you take both women before the rest of the house and you immediately ask everyone there about the situation, but that is not what the show wants. Elizabeth is with the group and Lyndsey returns almost in tears and she says that her time with Clayton was taken up with Clayton discussing an accusation that Lyndsey has been bullying Shanae. This leaves Gabby shocked. 

Gabby gets the group rose "Gabby gets the rose for being like a 12 year old cheerleader?" Shenae does not quit. 

Clayton says he will address something serious the next day. Again Shenae wields Elizabeth's ADHD as a weapon. 

Bachelor Recap or let me teach you to be a villain, nooo do not do that.

 I wonder how many peeps watched the title game then went to their DVR for the Bach. 

The women get "to move back in" to the Bachelor mansion and they are giggly "it is legendary, it is historic" - they are going to sleep on bunk beds. 

Jesse reintroduces himself to the women, sad part is many of them would have been too young to remember his season. Jesse tells the group that the "process works." He is asked "are you a happily married man now?" "Yes I am a happily married man." Again completely ignoring that he is not with his choice from his season of the Bachelor in fact they were one of the fastest breakups ever in the franchise. 

GROUP DATE: 

The group is outside of a mansion and Clayton tells them there is a surprise behind the doors of the mansion. Many of the group are hoping for celebrities instead they are initially bumrushed by screaming kids who run past the (weirdly) outstretched arms of some of the women. Clayton introduces Hilary Duff ("HD") as "most importantly mother of three Hilary Duff." Cassidy is fangirling in a major way screaming that HD was her first concert and letting her know that she had a sign with HD's face on it.

HD may have just finessed a birthday party for her kid out of the show in the guise of a challenge and the use of some kids that showed up for a casting call. 

The various girls have been given tasks to make the party come together, Cassidy is supposed to help Gabby build a doll house. Cassidy has completely abandoned her task and tells us "I am not here to build a doll house I am here to build a relationship." Clayton and Cassidy go off for a talk and Cassidy tells him that she is not leaving voluntarily she will have to be dragged out then initiates an aggressive make out.

Melina is tasked to be a clown and she puts all of her energy into it. Teddi hangs out with some of the kids and at first it took me a second to realize that she was NOT one of the kids. 
Cassidy is having a tea-party with some of the kids and looks them dead in their faces and tells the kids she is not a fan.

Cassidy also has the look of someone who is steadily getting drunker. 

Genevieve who was tasked with decorating the cake (it was not the greatest looking cake) is appalled as Cassidy drunkenly sings "Happy Birthday" and then drops the cake on the ground.

With cake all over her arms Cassidy tells Clayton they should clean up by the pool which leads to another mounted make-out and we cut to a commercial for Hillary Duff's new show. 

EVENING PORTION: 

Serene appears to get the first time with Clayton who tells her "I love the energy that I have been seeing out of you." Clayton tells Serene he has been "missing one thing" and this leads to a make-out, Clayton is a big fan of the 'holding you' kiss. 

As many of the women sit around the rose that is on the table Cassidy tells the group she is really confident. Kira is the first to call Cassidy out, Cassidy tells them she was not there for the kids. Genevieve and Mara join in on telling Cassidy that they think she sucks. Cassidy sips some booze in an ITM and says "Game on Bitches" to the camera re her level of concern about the other women. I get "here for a good time not a long time" energy with Cassidy, I do not think she is here for any length of season time, she feels like a flash in the pan villain. 

Teddi is already in the "does he like me" expressions phase with Clayton. 

Clayton tells Sierra that she is a light in the house...how do you know bro, its just been days. 

Genevieve and Clayton try to decorate a cake, it does not go well. 

Back to the mansion (been a long time since I have typed that) and a date card arrives "Susie let's take our love to new heights, love Clayton." 

Cassidy in her time with Clayton says "I am not here to make Gabby happy" Cassidy is a big fan of throwing peeps under the bus. In her ITM "[expletive], feels like we are already together" Cassidy is super confident. Cassidy's confidence is not misplaced as she gets the group date rose to death stares from the other women. 

Mara breaks down in tears "oh my god why am I so concerned with this girl when I should be concerned with him." 
Cassidy sniffs her rose as a producer asks "How does it smell?" and Cassidy responds "Like victory." 

Next day: 

Meeting of the blonde counsel and Cassidy tells a blonde whose name I do not know

that getting her rose locks her in and tells the blonde "don't be jealous." The blonde counsel think that Susie's connection to Clayton will burn out fast. 

ONE ON ONE: 

Susie is nervous as the couple drives up a hill and the Bachelor's helicopter budget kicks in...The Bachelorette's budget has to be a 1/4 of the Bachelor's (completely made up stat by me). 

Because this show knows how to make people ache the helicopter flies by the mansion and hovers, it hits Rachel especially hard since she is a pilot and thinks it should have been her date. 

The helicopter lands on a yacht with Clayton asking Susie "how much do you trust me right now?" as if he is the one landing the chopper. 

Following a staple of this show the couple leaps off the yacht to show their willingness to leap into love. 

Evening: 

The couple goes to Hudson loft for the faux-dinner. Susie shares that her dad went through a severe illness last year (we are not told if it was covid but I cannot help but think it was covid). Clayton says that he is drawn to Susie "because you are someone who can see good through the bad." Clayton is a nice guy but there is strong meathead tendencies in him. 

Amanda Jordan is the "WHO?" singer this week. 

And she sings "I choose you" which Clayton tells us as if we should know it already.  Susie gets the date rose. 

Back to the mansion and Cassidy tells a blonde (I am not trying to be bad I just do not know peeps that well this early and these women are mirrors of each other) that she needs to be aggressive on her date and attack early. The group date card arrives and Jill breaks down in tears because her name is not on it, she clearly asks a producer if she can leave the group once it is clear her name is not going to be called.

Shanae may be the girl that was talking to Cassidy as she calls herself Shanae-nae. 

GROUP DATE: 

And yup I am guessing it was Shanae that spoke to Cassidy since she says "Cassidy's advice is ringing in my head." 

The group meets up with Ziwe (we are told by Marlena she is a popular comedian, Clayton's and the faces of the other girls show that they do not know her).

Shanae is mad that Elizabeth sits next to Clayton she laments that she did not because "Cassidy would have." The group plays a game of "never have I ever." Shanae continues to feel salty that Elizabeth is bonding with Clayton so when given the chance to dance the "Nae Nae" she jumps up and I feel second hand embarrassment at the stiffness. 

The ladies then have to do an obstacle course, some of it includes racing, sliding and then trying to cross a river of 'honey' via faked breadcrumbs (foam pieces)

Shanae blatantly shoves Elizabeth off of a foam piece which also takes out another woman.

For all her boasting as a former Olympian Marlena does not win, nor does Shanae which leaves her staring aggressively at the winner Sarah. 

Evening:

Elizabeth grabs Clayton first and Shanae imagines her instant death.

On her time Elizabeth plays 'never have I ever' and sneaks in "never have I kissed the Bachelor" which of course leads to a kiss. Shanae walks away from the group and Marlena goes to check on her and Shanae is mad that "Elizabeth made me cry...I do not like people who make me cry, especially people who do not matter to me." Clayton in his time with Marlena says "when you took off that was not even collegiate speed that was Olym..." he gets cut off "I am an Olympian, we need to race." Clayton wisely demurs the offer of a race. A colleague of mine who my real life friend Elizabeth dislikes is convinced that purely because he is a man he can beat any female Olympian in a foot race, he is an idiot. 

Shanae during her time with Clayton calls Elizabeth fake and says she is not there for the right reasons. Clayton once he takes Shanae back to the group asks Elizabeth for a chat, which leads the remaining group to wonder if someone said anything, Shanae denies that she did. 

Elizabeth denies to Clayton that there is any tension on her part with Shanae and then notes to Clayton that Shanae pushed her during the challenge. 

Elizabeth takes Shanae aside to talk and apparently Shanae's big problem with Elizabeth is that she thinks Elizabeth is two faced because she and Ency were having a conversation at the pool and not paying enough attention to Shanae? 

Sarah gets the group date rose which she says "is proof that if you believe in yourself everything will work out." 

Shanae and Elizabeth clash again and Shanae throws in Elizabeth's face "you told me you had ADHD." 

COCKTAIL PARTY: 

Heading into the party Cassidy warns Shanae not to continue her beef dear reader this will not be heeded.

Eliza appears to be the first with Clayton, she brings out a scrapbook so that she and Clayton can start scrapbooking together. Clayton notes that Eliza did not get a date but she "is really positive" he also notes how good she looks. 

Gabby breaks out another pillow with Clayton's face on it and this one is gigantic and blown up so Clayton's face is distorted. 

Shanae pulls Elizabeth aside for another private chat "So is it your ADHD or is it me?...I think you are using that as an excuse." Shanae really wields the knowledge of ADHD like it is a weapon A bad sign for Shanae is that all the girls are telling her she is bringing "senseless drama" and even Cassidy wants to "cut her loose."

Sigh the news feeder just before we returned back to the show was "Covid hospitalizations jump" I have an actual colleague that I may have to cut loose who thinks the hospital news are "lies." 

Cassidy tells the girls that she thinks Clayton likes "that I am unrelenting in my pursuit" while she is saying this Sierra is looking appalled and we find out why. Cassidy foolishly told Sierra earlier in the day "There's one guy that I've been hooking up with on and off for a while. he's a few years younger. He Facetimed me while I was at the hotel and I told him I was about to leave for filming and I couldn't tell him what for. Blah, blah, blah." Okay I suck at transcribing the long and short is Cassidy has a dude waiting for her and he thinks they are going to watch the show together when she gets back from filming. 

Sierra tells Clayton "and it is a very big shock" Sierra then does something unusual, she asks Cassidy to talk and tells Cassidy what she did. It is rare for anyone in this franchise to tell someone that they spoke about them. Cassidy comes back to the girls and says "She decided to spend her time with Clayton talking about me...whatever, Clayton clearly likes me. What is he gonna do?" as she wields the rose like a sword. 

Clayton meets up with Jesse to ask if anyone has ever taken a rose back. 

Bloopers: 

Clayton is dressed up as a clown and tries his best to impress the kids. 

Bachelor Recap or you really do not want this rose?

 Tonight I am really testing the limits of my 'record 6' DVR, heavy night of TV to start the year. 

The show also immediately tests our belief in natural family reactions with Clayton going to tell his mom he is the Bach and she reacting like she did not notice that her husband is filming them and Clayton is filming them so this is a normal day? The mom also seems a bit dressy for chilling at home, but hey who knows. 

Jesse Palmer shows up to remind us he was a former Bachelor and he is "now a happily married man" with the heavy implication that the 2 things are related, they are NOT! 

Jesse and Clayton: 

Clayton and the show immediately address his being the bachelor after only "8 minutes of screen time" on the Bachelorette...Clayton says it is because he believes in it more than anyone else...sure dude. 

The Women:

I am not confident that without my usual premier watching crew (thanks Covid) I will get even half of the names. 

First we meet Shanae 29, a recruiter she is from Sycamore Ohio which is proudly a one stoplight town "Shanae is coming in hot." 

Gabby 30, an ICU nurse knows this show loves corny lines, she is a former NFL cheerleader. As an ICU nurse she was working during the covid pandemic, you have earned your time off. 

Rachel 25, is a flight Instructor and a flight student (makes me nervous)

Daria 24, law student at Yale, because Ivy league peeps will always tell you where they go to school...girl is a 3L how is she on this show? 

Susie is 28 a wedding videographer who is big in jujitsu and was Miss Virginia. 

Elizabeth a real estate advisor is 32 and going to annoy the Elizabeth in my watch group. 

Teddi is a nurse, she tells us she is 25 but the shows chyron says 24. Teddi just as I was about to say "seems very young" then tells us she is a virgin and tells her mom and her sister she would go to the fantasy suite. 

Salley 26 is listed as 'Previously engaged' for her job title, this show can be so trash sometimes [more on this title later]. Her big interview with the show "was the day I was supposed to get married." The show is setting her up to be 'love sick and baby crazy.' 

Cassidy 26  is an executive recruiter. 

Genevieve 26 is an LA Bartender 

Back to Salley sitting on her bed sniffling since this was supposed to be her wedding day and now she is thinking she should just be home with her family "it sucks...like I want to be excited...I am sure all the girls here are excited." So Salley says she needs to go and talk to Clayton "He doesn't know I am coming"

Clayton has a look of shock when Salley knocks on his door as we are told by the chyron '5 hours before the limos' - Salley then tells Clayton that she was supposed to get married the day before. Salley says she feels like she is being pulled home but she wanted to meet him "you are very good looking" THIS IS BLONDE WHITE WOMAN PRIVILEGE TO THE CORE. I cannot even pretend, if Shelley had come to my room like this I would have sent her home immediately instead Clayton says "I can tell you are a great woman" bruh what? 10 minutes of talking to a woman who broke protocol and talks about her broken engagement sooooo Clayton walks away and comes back with something behind his back (obviously a rose) and presents it because "he wants to show" Salley how serious this is. This has to be the fastest first impression rose (I have not watched all the seasons but I stand by that guess). Salley says he is putting her on the spot "am I allowed to take a minute?" She walks outside to take some breaths but really it is to get on her phone. While Salley is on the phone Clayton is in his hotel room holding on to a rose. 

Salley is talking to the producers telling them that she is torn, she goes back in to Clayton and tells him that her "heart is just not ready" We never hear what the producers tell her but I bet they were telling her to reject the rose. Clayton looking like a herb says "the first rose that I have given out as a Bachelor was rejected." 

Clayton arrives at the mansion and Jesse tells him the Salley situation has never happened before. 

Limo arrivals:

First out is Sarah 23, a Wealth Management Advisor she brings Clayton a mini tiger trinket (first out is big placement). 

Lyndsey W. 28, Industrial Sales Rep (Houston, Tex) "I am from the south but you are so tall you got me looking north." Sometimes you know a joke is super cheesy but you still cannot help but to laugh. 

Genevieve hugs Clayton twice as they both acknowledge nerves 

Ency 26, is a sales manager (half Persian, half Korean) she speaks to Clayton in Farsi and Korean. 

Susie "I do believe in a firm handshake" and hits Clayton with a sneaked hand buzzer "Do you feel the electricity between us?" 

Claire 28, is a spray tanner (profession and user). 

Serene 26, is an elementary school teacher (uh oh black teacher of young kids, right after his season where he was booted by a black teacher of young kids) good luck girl . 

Teddi is up next as we are in the ethnic portion of the show. Teddi playing off her name says "I heard that you are the big teddy bear but hopefully someday I will be your Teddi Bear." 

Tessa (black ) 26, a Human resources specialist says "My name is Tessa it is asset backwards" [at this moment you can clearly see Clayton's Brain struggling, to the point that I sent a screenshot to my group]

"Now that we have established I am an asset I think you know what you can do in there" as she points to the mansion with her head. She looks so much like a lady I used to date/lust after that I think I need her gone night one and you know I never want that for my people of the tone. 

Lindsay D. 27, a Neonatal nurse. 

Daria says she is wearing "a rose necklace tonight because my last name is rose and I hope my night ends with a rose." 

Clayton walks in to see some of the assembled "I am breaking code...i cannot wipe the smile off of my face...I have got to get back out there." Ency showing that she might speak at least three languages but does not know all of the rules of English says "My heart is LITERALLY beating out of my chest" sorry to hear about your condition, leave the show and see a doctor now.  

Kate 32, real estate agent from LA "I have an idea that will make us both less nervous, that will be if we both hold one of my nips" and she pulls from her bra region (since I am not certain she was wearing a bra) 2 mini bottles of what looks like Jack Daniels and Jack Daniel's cinnamon for them to take shots of. 

Sierra 26. is a recruiting coordinator and she says "Don't freak out, I am your wife and I just got back from the future, you end up choosing me anyways, so you want to just get out of here?"

Melina 27, personal trainer from WEHO is on moon shoes (jumping springs) so she leaps into Clayton's arms. 

Hailey 26, a pediatric nurse with a bit of a baby voice says "I am very self sufficient but there is something that I need help with from time to time so can you open this" and hands Clayton a jar of pickles. 

Jill 26, an architectural historian comes up with an urn "these are the ashes of my ex-boyfriend and I brought them here just in case you make the same mistake." 

Marlena 30, black woman listed only as 'Former Olympian' before we even see her there is a whistle and a penalty flag is thrown "15 yard [penalty] for being so fine." 

Jane 33, social media director Pulls up in a vintage convertible and in case you did not know it was vintage the license plate says 'VINTAGE.' "I have been called a cougar once or twice but I like to consider myself vintage like the car" the show like us realizes how ludicrous what she said is and repeatedly flashes her age with a dinging bell sound. 

Then immediately we are followed by a more 'seasoned' woman stepping out of the limo Clayton does not know what to say as Holly 64, retiree from Boca Raton, Fl., walks up to him "I'm a mother of 2 and I want to have grandchildren and I am so excited to be here, but I am here for the other bachelor the older senior bachelor [Clayton looks more confused, though this really is just his look] I am just kidding I want to introduce you to the lovely Rachel (and out comes the flight instructor we met before)."

Rachel "I am Rachel and I am actually a pilot so Holly was my wing woman to get me in here." 

Ivana 31, is listed as a Bar Mitzvah dancer in Queens NY, look I know Mitzvahs are happening daily but can this be steady work, because how many are hiring dancers? Is this a thing? Am I out of the cultural loop? Ivana strides in with confidence and puts her hands to her lips to silence Clayton, she does not say a word to him, just blows him a kiss, refuses a hug and walks inside. 

Kira 32, a physician from Philly comes in, in an open lab coat, a stethoscope and red lingerie I immediately text my 2 doctor friends from the area because I want their answers when they wake up in the morning and check their 'physicians mom's groups' that they always tell me about. "So I'm a doctor and I am here to give you your full body physical just to make sure you are fit and ready for what is to come." Clayton's first response "this is what doctors wear nowadays?" Valid question. I just sent a screenshot of a woman exposing herself via white robe to 2 physicians, this show makes us type some wild things. 

Mara 32, entrepreneur, "My name is Mara like marinara cause I am a little spicy and I am a little saucy." 

Rianna 24, a registered nurse "originally I was going to ride a horse up here and then I was like why don't we save a horse and you can ride a cowgirl." 

We are about half way through the entrances want to play a game? Can you name any of these blondes?

Are you sure?

Eliza (black?) 25, marketing manager from Berlin, Germany gets Clayton to 'Lady and Tramp' a sausage with her, another great screenshot to send to my friends who do not watch the show. (had to circle back to add the response I got from a black friend "Why her edges look like that?" 

Gabby 30, an ICU nurse brings a pillow "for a place to sit later [she then turns the pillow around and it has a picture of Clayton on it] but really, I just want to sit on your face!" 

Elizabeth the 32 year old Real estate advisor breaks out a whip for Clayton. 

Hunter 28, HR Specialist has a yellow snake wrapped around her shoulders and I did an involuntary shudder I cannot tell you physically what else was happening because my head stayed down for the rest of their interaction "I just want you to know I believe in love at first hiss!" 

Samantha 26, occupational therapist from San Diego, is rolled up in a bubble bath and when she steps out her bikini bottoms get the first black box treatment of the season. Of course she is from SD 

Cassidy 26, executive recruiter comes in on Power wheels (she is light enough that she can actually ride in on it unlike the guy from the Bachelorette season who had to propel his forward with his feet). 

Immediately after Cassidy's Power wheel is left parked in the driveway: 

Shanae pulls up in the adult version of the power wheel truck and crashes into it.

This show is never one to shy away from running a gimmick into the ground and back to back on seasons. Shanae exits the truck to generic 'country music bed' as Clayton helps her down.

I need a trigger warning for that damn snake "hopefully that is the only snake in the house." 

Clayton is so nervous as he tries to give his initial toast he spills some of his drink. 

Clayton is gifted a photo by Elizabeth from 1930 they both call it "a 100 year old photo." I would be livid if someone in my family gave out our prized photos on a show.  

Teddi tells Clayton that she did some research, she and her sister scanned all of Michelle's guys and she fixated on Clayton without knowing he would be the eventual Bachelor. Teddi told us she wanted the kiss and Teddi got her wish...twice! First kiss of the season. 

 Some of the other women see Teddi and Clayton kissing and someone says "someone stop them" I chuckled. 

Kira  still with the open lab coat takes Clayton for a 'physical' and while they are walking off someone says "oh the nurse" (sexist assumption) Kira checks Clayton's heart beats and then said "let's speed it up a bit" which leads to a kiss. 

Eliza breaks out German cue cards one which says "Can we kiss" so of course they kiss. 

Melina puts Clayton through some paces, the snake girl does something. 

There is a power wheels race that ends in a mini-disaster of a flipped car and a ripped dress but ultimately a kiss. 

Claire decides to do a tailgate with Clayton, she thinks she will lock down the first impression rose until her tailgate and wing eating is interrupted by Mara.

  Mara tells Clayton she will give him some real sauce, so she offers him marinara sauce with "the special ingredient...the ingredient is love" meanwhile Claire is telling everyone that she is not feeling Clayton "I hate him." Serene tells Clayton that Claire is bashing him. 

Clayton goes to talk to Claire, she denies saying she hates him, while they are talking the other girls are concerned about the time wasting and the 'meanness' of Claire. Clayton walks Claire out and then comes back to do the usual "if anyone else wants to leave" speech but no one else leaves. 

 Rachel the flight instructor gets some good time with Clayton; both talking about jumping out of planes together. 

Teddi gets the first impression rose she also gets a make-out session "she got me feeling some type of way...I am going to be thinking about that kiss for sometime." 

Rose Ceremony:

Clayton "I do want to apologize to those that I was not able to speak with." 

Roses to Serene, Susie, Eliza (who beams), Rachel, Ency (in a dress that I love and am weirded out by), Sarah, Kate, Cassidy, Elizabeth, Kira,( Genevieve is the 'stressed out' narrator for much of this "Since I can remember I have just wanted to be a mom and a wife" yeesh lady dream bigger), Sierra, (Gabby now takes over narration "It feels like a punch in the stomach every time I hear a name that is not mine), Mara, Marlena, Genevieve, Melina, Gabby (she reaches for the rose and then apologizes "Oh sorry" when she realizes it has to be formally offered "will you accept this rose?") (Now it is Tessa's turn to cry and narrate "I just look around and I think why am I here, like what do I have that these girls don't have? I am just feeling inadequate")Jill, Lyndsey W., Hunter (damn it please no more snake), Tessa gets the final rose. Which means a strong crop of women are going home, and really that girl from earlier in the day did NOT deserve to stay over anyone of these ladies. 

Ahem the law student is going home, girl we are taught in our community "EDUCTION IS THE KEY" you SHOULD HAVE STAYED YO ASS IN SCHOOL! The bar mitzvah dancer that refused to speak and did not hug Clayton at the start is going home, I think she sealed her fate the minute she raised the shushing finger to her lips. 

Bloopers: 

Clayton and someone I cannot name because without chyrons I am usually lost the first few weeks recreate the 'Office Space' beat a printer up scene.