Bachelorette the Men tell all or Hey how about a recap of the season that you probably slept through

Tonight it is the men tell all episode.

They copy the last season move of having the Bachelor/bachelorette sneak up on a group watching the show. The problem is both Sean and Des lack the charisma to carry a fun appearance. This time they take it on the road and go to New York and along with Des other past Bachelors and Bachelorettes. I know this is cynical of me but I suspect that it is because Des lacks personality and they knew they would need buffers.
 

We also have a taped segment with Des getting advice from former Bachelorettes on how to handle the ‘Men Tell All’ episodes. Apparently Des cannot think for herself on anything. I didn’t bother to pay attention to this part.
 

The men are introduced and as always there are people I forgot about. They show Will the ‘black guy’ and D immediately yells “token black guy” I hate that I agree. We get a quick recap of the first night and see the creepiness of Jonathan with his ‘Fantasy suite’ push, and Kasey the ‘hash tag guy’, Brian the guy with the secret girlfriend. Maybe this is what I should do next season, just skip the whole show and just watch the men tell all and get the full recap via this forum.
 

They discuss Brian, (who declined the invitation to show up) and of course the guys pile on because what else do you expect them to say? “Hey he should do the show while keeping a lady back home.”
 

We move on to Ben – He gets the ‘hot seat’ treatment: Chris starts him off slow with a video recap and we get to hear Ben again talk about not wanting to wait to date new girls [once he is booted]. Benis asked why there was a divide between himself and the other men, he claims it is because he aggressively pursued Des. Ben does the ‘pretend that no one saw you on the show move’ as a fan of denial myself I can respect it.

Ben is accused of faking the bond with his son and of cheating on his girl. Ben claims to be a very good father but is not vociferous in his denials. I have no idea if Ben is a good or bad father, but I do know that my dad would be yelling a lot more viciously at anyone who questioned his worth as a father…then again my dad would never be on this show so scratch that.
 

James takes the next spot on the hot seat and we see his recap. He is asked exactly what he said to cause the guys to accuse him of trying to be the next Bachelor. The women in the crowd are listening to him but shaking their heads…I remain amused but too lazy to type the entire recap. James and Mikey T. both bring up good points but the audience and the other guys are not prepared to handle the truth. Mikey T stands up to confront Kasey, this is so far Kasey’s night he has taken over much of the conversations and much of the interviewing. Juan Pablo takes a sneaky shot at James and says he would not want his daughter or sister to date him.

The spray tan is strong on a tonne of these guys.
 

Juan Pablo is up next and the women in the audience go gaga. Unlike Ben when they bring up Juan Pablo’s child we see clips of him interacting with his daughter. If you just saw the clips of Juan Pablo interacting with Des you would have assumed that he won the show. Apparently his daughter has picked up Des’ accent and I feel so so so so so sorry for the daughter.
 

Zak is next, his recap gets to show us how much more personality he had than the other guys. Zak brings up the fact that he spends half of his year on the oil rig - that has to be murder on a sexual relationship. They finally read the poem that Zak wrote to Emily and it is immediately better than any of the poems Chris has written.
 

Des is back in a very sparkly dress. D and I disagree vehemently about her body, I think it is stunning he hates it. Des goes after Ben but she does not hammer him like the girls who gave her ‘advice’ wanted her to. Des thinks she was manipulated by James, I do not think that would be too hard…Des attempts again to say Juan Pablo’s name and fails miserably, this seems like a failure of the American school system. Our boy Zak is analyzed by Des and she appears to have cut him because he smiled too much, yeah I do not get it either. Zak then sings a song to Des, I await the news that he now has a country music deal, I really thought that earlier in the season he said he only knew how to play/perform one song. Women in the audience are wiping tears from their eyes at the end of the song.
 

There is a quick blooper reel, I chuckle a bit. And then Chris Harrison promos the upcoming episodes, I am only watching the promo because D wants to see it, otherwise I do not trust a word from Chris Harrison since he leads with “this is the most dramatic…” blah blah blah come on Chris we know! The promo leaves many of the women in the audience with their mouths agape. It leaves me thinking, “great job by the editing team.” While the credits run they have some audience interviews and the women interviewed are really passionate about Des’ love life.

I hate myself

Bachelorette recap and the Zak Attack is no more

We start in Dallas, Texas with Zak. The camera shows him sketching but as yet we do not know what it is…for now just a circle (guess it makes sense to practice those). I really want Zak to win but it does not seem like Des hangs on his words the way she does for Brooks’ words. Zak takes her on his family’s snow cone truck and they serve a tonne of kids snow cones while Zak dresses up in a penguin outfit.

They go to meet Zak’s family and there is a tonne of joyous hugging that just seems built for the camera, only sociopaths are this joyous to wrap someone in their arms that they have just met. Zak’s mom pulls Des aside to talk to her and I love her Texas accent – I miss hearing that daily. Zak’s mom tells Des to look for that spark to know if there is love. Might not be the best thing to tell the girl that is in a competitive dating show, I fear foreshadowing.

Zak’s sis does a good job of playing him up, good cheerleader there. Zak and his mom sit side by side and I really think we need to see Zak’s birth certificate, he and his mom look a little too close in age. Zak’s family sings the song that he ‘claims he wrote for Des’ though I suspect he wrote that song prior and it just worked out that he was on the talent show. D thinks Zak’s sis is going for a record deal. He also thinks that Zak should not tell Des that he loves her “Never say it first” such a cynic this kid is...If you cannot find love on a dating show with multiple cameras following you where can you find it? By the way Zak gave Des a ring...yup a ring.

Drew is up next in Arizona and D again yells “gay” the minute Drew comes on screen. Drew as if hearing D immediately plants kisses on Des, it seems forced and I will give D this…Drew has an effeminate laugh and I think that is what is casting suspicion (which of course means nothing, I am just trying to find reasons). We also find out that this will be the first time Drew’s dad will be entering his Mom’s house – Awkward.

Drew takes Des to meet his disabled sister and this feels exploitative. D notices that Des was “not expecting this”. The parents do the pull them aside to talk to them routine, Drew’s dad calls his daughter an angel no one will argue that. Drew and his mom hold hands when they talk…not sure my feelings on that I just know it is different! Drew tells his dad he wants to marry Des and the dad says “Bring this girl back into our family” good pep talk and all but something just does not seem right. Things all seem too perfect. Drew takes Des aside and tells her he loves her and keeps repeating it, almost as if he is trying to convince himself.

Chris is next in Oregon and like every stereotype of Oregon we have to see Chris on a trail and he is picking wild flowers for Des. D and I turn to each other at the same time and utter “If this dude reads another poem/no more bloody poems”. Chris takes Des to the baseball field and why not a few forced baseball puns “That was a catch, no you are a catch”. We do not get a poem, we get sketches from Des - Chris says this is “something that only her and I have” one problem Chris she STOLE THIS FROM ZAK!

Des meets Chris’ family and like Zak’s they look like they had their make up done for camera. Chris’ dad offers to give Des a lumbar adjustment and does it immediately, nothing weird about that. Chris and his dad have a talk and the dad asks if Des is eating right…yeah I don’t know either. And I am not touching the whole nose adjustment thing Chris was getting while his dad was talking to him. Chris is nervous that Des and his mom are talking for a long time - he should not be. His mom brings up a great point to him “you guys are not in the real world, what is going to happen when you jump back into the real world?”

Brooks is up next in Salt Lake City and he claims that it feels like a year since he saw Des, basically intimates that he had forgotten about her. Des and Brooks have a picnic it was boring, she breaks out a list of all the ‘amazing moments’ they had. Cue in Penny from ‘Happy Endings’. 

  They enter a canoe and I hope they fall in, sadly all they do is take on water because Brooks tries to stand in a canoe…I do not trust his pretense of this being a regular thing. They cut to the commercial and drop a beautiful gem on me…there is a San Diego casting call, I plan to force D to go. July 26^th the day that could be the best moment of my life.

We meet Brooks’ family and get the usual overwhelming hugathon. I have seen a lot of pastel shirts on this show tonight. I am starting to think all these meals are catered, everyone’s family meal has looked amazing can there really be this many good cooks?

Des and the mom talk, blah blah. Brooks’ brothers grill him blah blah. He and Des are so bland. Brooks is talking to a young lady and I do not know if it is a sister or a sister in law but she tells him that in a marriage you should miss when the other person is not there…hmm see above. I think D and I are having show fatigue we have barely paid attention during the Brooks hometown, we have however spent a decent amount of time talking about getting him on the Bachelor.

Des’ brother shows up, the moment we have all been waiting for. Des’ brother mentions that Des did not talk to him for a couple months after he “screwed it up” for her on the Bachelor. Damn it Des’ brother is calm, biggest let down of the season other than realizing that Des was the Bachelorette.

Chris Harrison does his lord of the manor thing and questions Des, he really really really tries to help Des down a path by pointing out again that Brooks is the only one that has not told her he loves her, Des just pushes past that.

Des is doing her confessional speech and says that nothing can get in the way and the video shows the guys walking in with Chris Harrison and her brother creepily peering from behind a wall. Oh Bachelorette editors sometimes you are the best.

Brooks gets the first rose, then Chris and now it is down to best Buds Zak and Drew…and the homie Zak has to go home. Part of why I have been able to stomach this season is because Zak was quirky. Des is so bland that it was fun watching Zak be goofy around her. What we have left is 3 cookie cutter corny chaps and a weak personality Bachelorette  - it cuts down on the value of the show, and apparently the ratings reflect it.

Zak is confused in the limo, keep your head up man, you now have a good 4-5 year run meeting random strange in bars as the featured attraction in “Meet Zak from the Bachelorette” bar flyers.

The Bachelorette makes a federal case

We invade Madeira which is owned by Portugal even though it is closer to African countries…just saying.
 

Des claims to be bringing out 3 of her girlfriends to give her advice and shockingly its 3 girls from her season of the Bachelor (Jackie, Lesley M aka the one I wanted as the Bachelorette and Catherine), I get the feeling Des no longer has ‘regular friends’. Sean’s fiancé was instructed to “give Des good advice”…vague much?
 

The ladies begin scoping the guys out with binocs and yup it is as creepy as they said it was. Des claims the girls have confirmed for her she made the right decision…how did they do that Des? They didn’t meet the other guys prior nor were they able to talk to these guys to confirm any of your judgments.

Brooks and Des literally have a date in the clouds, they are on a mountain in Madeira and the clouds wrap around them and they make a lot of cloud 9 references. Earlier as they were driving up the mountain I mentioned that it looked a lot like Jamaica, D hit me with a great joke “Except those are actual clouds and not clouds from weed smoke” – I hate him so much right now...for beating me to the joke. The more I see how beautiful Madeira is, the more I want some African country to just go in and claim it.
 

Brooks admits that he is not as in love with Des as she is with him…but he is ‘smart’ enough to do it in a confessional and not to her. Fireworks go off in the night sky and Des makes this statement “when I kiss Brooks fireworks go off” she then does the sound effects and pantomimes the fireworks…I want her to get hit by one.

Oh and let’s see if she kisses all 5 guys tonight. I say she does, D says No!
 

Chris is up next, he and Des take a yacht to a private island and share a picnic, then he breaks out a bottle and Des immediately knows that it is “message in a bottle” time. Suspicious. Des and Chris write awful poetry together to place in the bottle so that someone else might find it, read it and throw up. By the way people, messages in a bottle are just LITTERING! They go and throw the bottle into the ocean and we learn that not only does Chris write bad poetry he cannot throw.
 

At their dinner Chris is planning to tell Des that he is falling in love with her and of course he has to read it to her via a poem…Des says she didn’t expect him to tell her in this way – Has she not been hanging out with him? All he ever does is spout bad poetry.
 

Michael the federal prosecutor is up next – is he still a Fed prosecutor at this point? Seems like he has a lot of free time. Michael says that if you had a scavenger hunt for the woman with 47 great points Des has 48, I may not have that verbatim cause I was struggling to keep my dinner down while he spoke. Michael reveals personal stuff to Des, dad not home, he is a great prosecutor (okay I know he did not say it blatantly but wow did he hint it) and type 1 Diabetes, that admission shocks D out of his stupor.
 

We continue the streak of singers performing on the show that I do not know…granted this is a Madeiran singer but hey it counts. By the way, Des is 3 for 3 kissing guys.
 

The 2 on 1 date is next which might make it less likely for a 5 for 5 kissing streak. The 3 head off to a go-kart track. It is Drew vs my favorite Zak, I think I may have won over D and E to my side and they are now rooting for Zak. Zak and Drew are racing each other and Zak takes the early lead in the race and it is interspersed with interviews with the guys; both guys make references to "love is like a race" or some such nonsense and it is clear that they were led there by the producers no way do they both independently carry this level of corniness.
 

Zak has a sketch book that just mysteriously appears in his lap. I swear that when they walked off for private time they had wine glasses only. Anyway Zak does the thing and allows me to yell out 4 for 4! D lacked faith but I assured him that it was a guarantee Des would kiss all 5 tonight…Drew has the personality of a wet blanket but I have faith in him even he can seal the deal.
 

D is still convinced that Drew is gay; I think he is just awkward around Des not repulsed by her. Drew brings up his sister to Des, she is severely mentally impaired (the sister not Des) and I am saddened that it feels like a ploy for sympathy and the kiss and THERE IS THE KISS FIVE FOR FIVE! YES YES YES. Back to the sister thing, I am not sure how to feel I admire him for taking care of his sister (though at the same time that is what you should do) and I admire him for being okay enough to talk about her BUT, at the same time it felt like a ploy.
 

Drew secures the rose that really should have gone to our boy Zak, but Zak didn’t play the family tragedy card.
 

So we go to the cocktail party and the inevitable interview with Chris Harrison (free trip to Madeira).

I pretty much zoned out on all of her convo with Chris Harrison, I was busy renewing my fantasy football leagues (yes I do manly stuff). I think Des admits to being in love with Brooks. Brooks gets the first rose (shocking I know), then Chris then…our boy Zak makes it. Thankfully, we get to see Zak take Des to Texas – this I cannot wait for.

 Michael gets to talk it out with Des and says something thoroughly stupid “It is going to be hard to date...because no girl is going to match up to you”. Come on man, you do know women watch this show right? Way to let the next girl you hook up with know upfront that she is not good enough.
 

Michael calls his mom from the car while crying and I start to see more of this guy’s psyche than I ever wanted to see. The mom said “here we go again” never a good sign when that phrase is used about your love life. Just saying…
 

The previews reveal the thing we have been waiting all season for, in fact it might be the reason why Des was picked as the Bachelorette – the arrival of Des’ brother. And yup he looks as stalkerish as ever.

Bachelorette July 1st, oh Barcelona Bull Fights are not the worst thing to happen to you

Tonight we invade Barcelona. Drew has the first one on one and both E. Money and D immediately proclaim him “SOoooooo gay” crazy to see how quickly and immediately they both said the same thing. E, was surprised his umbrella was not a rainbow. Drew breaks out his sob story and tells us his dad is a recovering alcoholic and big in AA I yell “way to make it anonymous”

They walk past some street musicians who just happen to be posted up in their alley way but mysteriously do not have a hat or bucket or anything to get money they are clearly just playing for the love…or for the show.

Des and Drew are sitting down at the table then Drew grabs her hand and takes her running off down an alley for a ‘private’ make out session. To really sell the ‘realism’ the Bachelorette adds in some post production sounds of frantic running and even show us one of the many camera men to make it seem more real but he only makes it about 200 feet before he starts making out in “private”. Once he gets the safety of the Rose he then dimes out James and his alleged plans to be the next Bachelor.

For the group date they go to play football…remember there is a professional footballer on the show. They end up playing a professional team, a women’s professional team. Kasey expresses shock that they are going to play a team, you know despite the fact that they always play a team when in any competition. The women’s team smokes them with James in the goal who absolutely should be castrated for his effort.

They all go to the dinner portion of the date and Des starts reading some poetry to Chris because you know Poets and stuff. Her poetry is terrible, absolute junk and of course Chris has to look like he loves it. I have no idea if he does or not but no way does he tell her the truth if he thinks it sucks.

Kasey et al pull James to the side to accuse him of saying that he planned to be the next Bachelor. James accuses them of using hearsay while addressing Michael (the Federal prosecutor) I like that he has been watching his 'Law and Order'. James does my move of trying to attack the attackers and finding one nugget of truth and hammering it in, in this case – the fact that Michael was not actually present for the alleged conversation. That is the way to do it, find something you can attack and go for it even if it does not matter one bit in the grand scheme.

Des declares no rose for the group date because she needs time to confront James. She starts to ask him all the questions that the guys have told her. James does a good move as above and attacks a single area and attacks it hard, he claims the guys are jealous and as E said “pauses long enough to work up the man tears”. Des needs time to think, so she has to walk away then comes back to say she needs even more time and will have to sleep on it.

The guy all assume that James is not returning and then he walks in and actually does something smooth: “Gentlemen, [pause] Good night [icicles hang in the air]” walks off. And I want to applaud him.

Zak gets the one on one. I may not have said this yet but he is my favorite on this show just because he is so goofy (remember last week he yodeled). So tonight they go to an art studio and take drawing lessons the first model walks in steps on the podium and everyone assumes he is going to strip…but he does not. Then a second model comes out and yup we have a nude model situation, the look on Zak’s face is again a reason to love him on this show, he had the look of someone who was told to prepare for a surprise rectal examination. Zak breaks out his own body (shielded by a brief) for Des to draw…only the supremely confident could risk that.

James and Drew have an argument and James says the most honest thing anyone on the show has ever said “this is not a normal situation” while referring to the show. The guys all have a team meeting without James; it’s the Real World house “house meeting y’all”. Every one of the guys is dressed casually but James comes in rocking a formal shirt and designer jeans and sandals…not a good look son. By the way casually for these guys means V-necks all around.

Des in her stand up claims that she plans to send James home then they begin the talk and we cut to another stand up of Des where she is now confused about sending him home. James manages to confuse Des with his words, not that hard. James is sweating so hard that it looks like he is lactating yet by the time he returns to the room, his shirt is completely dry…I have to wonder if they A. switched his shirts for him or B. the time periods in between the shots is ridiculously long or C. it is edited out of order.

The guys again confront James (Zak chills in the background like a G) and James comes off perfectly reasonable, he points out that the show is not real life, that people think about other people when they are not committed to someone blah blah blah. Basically he says things normal people would think about when entering a reality show and the other guys just cannot fathom it.

Des is seen staring at the pictures to make her decision and I forgot how much I missed those ridiculous fake decision making moments.

Rose ceremony time and a bombshell is dropped, three people are going home tonight. And they are James, Juan Pablo and Kasey. Michael gets to stay and then makes another legal reference…thanks again man nothing like making lawyers look like tools.

 

Bachelorette recap - Ding Dong the Ben is dead

Our night begins with an Aerial shot of the Swiss Alps and of course there is yodeling – cliché much? One of the guys mentions that he has never been to Europe, then a beat later he says “this is probably one of the best hotels in Germany” How can you know? Okay looks like I am already starting to ask too many questions of a show that makes little to no sense. 

The same guy who last week thought that he should go home, of course immediately starts bringing it up again. Nothing like getting that free trip to Europe first. He starts roaming the streets looking for Des and her one on one date by asking random strangers if they have seen people with television cameras. Brian claims he hopes it will not affect the one on one date…if so homie why not wait till the date is over?
 

The roomie catches Des saying Brian broke her heart…really Des? He broke your heart? The guy who told you that he wanted to go home and you convinced him to stay? That guy?

The one on one date was painfully boring, and our streak that was broken last week by Darius Rucker showing up quickly resumes: NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE MUSICAL ACT ON THE SHOW IS. I was so confident that I would not know who it was that I fake bet the roomie that neither he nor Jess (yes we have roped someone else in) would know the name of the musical act.

Thr group date is on Germany’s tallest peak. They all go sledding and Zack forces an analogy “Love is like sledding down this hill” I really wanted him to add “It’s cold and wet”.

Michael claims that he is willing to murder Ben on his 2-1 date and clearly others are fine with it because a tweet comes across the screen agreeing with the sentiment (while some of these tweets are funny overall as a thing they are bloody annoying).
 

The group date continues and they go to a giant igloo/Ice Hotel. The first take aside moment of course ends with Des taking charge and demanding a kiss, a kiss that if the guy initiates it looks a bit molesty…just saying. Zack looks a little creepy hanging out in the background, then attempts a sing songy yodel interrupting Mikey T’s set up for the kiss moment.
 

The 2-1 begins with an awkward limo ride and it gets more awkward with Michael making a forced legal analogy of Ben being found guilty of fraudulent impersonation of a Southern gentleman or some such similar nonsense. I cannot know for sure because I started groaning and holding my head in my hands because his ridiculous statement came not 10 seconds after I said “please please do not embarrass attorneys”
 

Michael plays the, you are not a good father card with Ben, it might be a low blow but mainly incredibly awkward. Michael goes into prosecutor mode and starts asking Ben questions that he does not seem to be able to answer. But he is definitely pushing too hard and it may be backfiring, Des is clearly uncomfortable and Michael keeps pushing. Ben walks away from the table rather than answering the questions he has been asked – really the questions do seem fair, the rat-a-tat nature of them and the clever editing make it seem like he was put upon. Des gets up from the table to go look for Ben. Now that Ben has had time to ‘formulate’ answers he has them all ready for Des.

But despite all his answers Ben does not get the rose and a bit more of the real Ben comes out. One of his questions on the limo ride of shame is “How long before I can be seen in public with someone?” He also expresses regret that Michael made it further than he did. It all sounds like he was more concerned with winning than finding love…excuse me while I recover from writing that trite phrase.

They do the Chris and Bachelorette recap interview, he has clearly been listening to my roomie because he brings up with Des that she has kissed a lot of guys. Des then says she is a 100% sure that she does not want to have a cocktail party. Now this is shortly after expressing her fear that a guy might be here for the wrong reason…way to not give yourself more time to find out…

The cancellation of the cocktail party means that the guys who had plans to tell Des bad things about James no longer have that opportunity. There are many instances of persons saying…”for the right reasons” The rose ceremony begins with all the suitable fake dramatic music and stare downs. Hmm shocking, shocking the roses come down to the 2 guys that the others think might be there for the wrong reasons…yup couldn’t resist. Basically it is a final 2 of guys that kind of look like each other - James and Mikey T. and James gets the rose! Am I wrong for thinking she just figured she would keep the better looking of the 2 copies? Oh come on it has been at least a paragraph since I asked a question!
 

Now that Ben is gone much of the house’s hate turns towards James.

On the “next week” previews it looks like the Bachelorette world tour continues.