Bachelorette recap or Chad teaches us the special ingredients in protein shakes

We do the cheesy pan shot of the CA coast line and the usual monologue of the lead telling us they are hopeful that they will find love. Kim sees the ‘James Taylor’ chyron and calls it “the dumbest thing she has ever seen” she means for today, she sees my typing and corrects me “I have seen a lot of dumb things today.” 

Chad proves the text I got from E  “He is the bitchy narrator” correct instantly and immediately starts monologuing 2 minutes into the show.

The budget for this show has stepped up and they explode a limo for the effect of having Jojo show up on a fire truck “When Jojo jumped out of that fire truck she was smoking, the limo wasn’t the only thing on fire” “I was thinking you can spray me down any day” (Jojo is operating the fire hose). Chad calls the group leaving  the “B team.” I suspect this blog will often have the words “Chad says.”'

Chad has a whole suitcase of just protein powders and supplements; he then straps that to himself as he does pull-ups. The guys call him “meat head to the max.” He of course is doing the pull-ups sans shirt.

The B-team is off to pretend that they are firefighters. Grant is a real firefighter…shouldn’t someone have thought this through? Jojo says “The guys are looking good…pretty much the hottest date I have ever been on” (Cheesy smile to the camera) Daniel then pops up (after a challenging of running with the fire hose) “The last time I was pulling hose like that I was in my apartment” (Cheesier smile to the camera).

Wells does not look like he is built for physical exertion, and probably shouldn’t be doing it with gear on. The EMTs have to be called to help him out. As James F pointed out “We all felt bad for him until he started getting more one on one time with Jojo.”

The guys remaining in the home have created a song to sing to Jojo Chad points out that they all already seem obsessed “with a girl they just met” and whom “they basically do not know.”

The top 3 for the firefighter challenge includes Grant…shocking? And Wells and Luke, yes you read that right, Wells was included in the top 3 “for not giving up” don’t worry he was just as shocked as you. Luke is still listed as the ‘war veteran’ and he puts in a good job but pouts when Grant wins. The whole thing felt rigged to make Grant go further than the typical minority candidate on this show…is this Affirmative Action? Gasp, there are about to be a whole bunch of pissed off white guys! Jojo “I would certainly say that Grant is a hero” as we see her making out with him.

Derek gets the first one on one card. The guys tell him to stop smiling.

Back to the group date and the rest of the guys start to get one on one time, Wells is up first; He starts with jokes about his incompetence at the fire challenge. Half of what is helping him here is that he is wittier than the other guys, but then again a man amongst guerrillas will always stand out. Jojo is an aggressive kisser she goes in for it, Luke after giving his sob story (see any prior season of this show) goes for a hug, Jojo instead went for the kiss…you go girl (yeah it does not fit me I felt weird typing it). Wells gets the rose and Luke tells us that he is hurt by it.

One on on date:

Jojo tells Derek that the date is unplanned, it is basically a choose your own adventure type of date. As they leave the gate the options are given “Sky” or “Sea” they both of course pick “Sky” if you have ever seen this show you know Sky means helicopters, Balloons, private jets. At the airport the option is “North” or “South” the idiots pick North MORONS go south, warmer beaches and a more exotic lifestyle (makes me wonder if the producers said No). In San Francisco the choices are “Golden Gate” or “Lombard street” they pick GG.

Back to the house and the main group is  still practicing their song “I always warn girls, stay away from nice guys” said by Chad as he is jabbing his finger. Chad  “If you were making a protein shake made up of all the guys here”, Daniel “what kind of a shake would it be?”  Chad "If you're making a protein shake made out of the group of dudes here and blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance” Some of the guys are disappointed when their names are not called on the new date card. Chad points out to them “You have gone your whole life without Jojo” he is a bro, he is a brutally honest bro, but he has moments of lucidity in all that protein haze.

Back to the one on one: J (I am tired of typing that made up name) asks the usual “what happened to your last relationship” type question and Derek feigns sadness. I am thinking he is going to confess that he is a virgin but instead he says that in his last relationship he was ready to get married but his girl ended up cheating on him. “I think I have told myself that I am being open” oh no another wanker playing the ‘unloveable’ card. The minute Ben Higgins parlayed that move into becoming the Bachelor I knew we would be plagued with it. J says that means that they have a lot in common…yup basicness.

Group date time:

And the bros get to go to ESPN’s LA headquarters. The show ‘Sportsnation’ is being filmed with J pretending to be a host with Max and Marcellus. J claims that M and M called to offer to help her out, let’s just ignore that ESPN and ABC are both part of the Disney properties.  Jordan made sure to tell us that he “played football professionally and [my] brother is Aaron Rodgers so Marcellus may not like me” (because he used to sack QBs). James “Chad looks like a protein shake in a blender” after the guys did a spinning challenge. The guys have to do a fake proposal  Chad says simply “Will you marry me?” he gets called out for its simplicity so Chad jokes that J “is starting off a bit naggy here” I would hate this guy in person but on this show I love him.

Then the guys have to simulate a Press Conference and the question they all are asked “Who do you think is performing the worst?” and of course all the guys say Chad some immediately some with prodding. Part of the problem for these guys is that Chad is speaking too much truth to power, he has called them all out for immediately falling in love Alex “just because you are speaking the truth doesn’t mean you are right.”

M and M are doing the analysis of how they would power rank the guys, Chad’s VO “I think I am going to win it.” Chad comes in second with the guys calling him open and honest; Alex is hurt that he lost to Chad. But James Taylor Faker wins it all.

Evening portion and James gets to go first: “A smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside” – James. Of course that ignores tears, mucus, blood, bile, vomit and my disgust at his simplistic logic. But, it earns him a “thank you kiss,” then a real kiss, that is noisy. Chad is analyzing the guys for us calling one the high school sweetheart type, labeling Alex as too short “you do not go from 6’4” to 5’4”’ “Nick is trying so hard, it is coming off as weird” “she doesn’t want a guy that will kiss her ass constantly” “most of the guys are coming off as kids” “They do not want what she needs, they do not have what any woman needs.” J thinks that Chad might be overcompensating for something, she asks him if he has been in love and he surprises me slightly by saying that he has and even more surprisingly he has a purse dog. We find out that he inherited the dog from his mom who passed away 6 months ago, that makes sense now, but I am still slightly surprised he hasn’t pawned the dog off. J and Chad go and drop coins in a wishing well and kiss I think he reminds J of her brother (I know it sounds a bit gross but look past that, they are the same macho-poseurs).

What’s this? Chad says he is starting to rethink the whole thing because…he is starting to have feelings for J…many of the guys are talking and saying that there is no way Chad can get the rose because it would make them have to reconsider everything, they are lying, they would all have remained if he got the rose. James Faker gets the rose and it leaves him in tears in his confessional.

Cocktail Party:

The guys are all looking around for Chad, not realizing that he was outside waiting for J’s limo to pull up. As soon as she does he asks her to go for a walk and sneaks a kiss before he walks her back in to see the group, he comes in strutting when he walks her in. The guys are now very wary of Chad. So some of them pull him over for a chat: have they not ever seen this show? This rarely goes well. Alex is the lead interrogator, with Jordan as the backup. While they are interrogating him Chad continues to demolish food, they even comment on it and he tells them it is delicious. They start to ask Chad about his interaction with J. They do not like his cavalier answers “they are just being super sensitive” – Chad. Someone makes a 'winter is coming' reference and on cue we cut to J with Chase and fake snow is falling with Chase claiming that because he didn’t get a date with her, he wants to bring a little piece of his world to her. Chad really, really likes to eat and keeps offering peeps plates of food. The guys start commenting on it. Vinny – “I don’t know if he is here for the free food or if he is here to find love.” “He would take an IV of meat if he could get one.” “Chad has consumed enough to feed a kindergarten group, maybe even a fifth grade. He has taken the term meathead to an unparalleled level.”

Chad interrupts an Alex conversation to talk to J and it leaves the guys fuming. J tells Chad that she finds him funny, never let it be said that she needs conversation and depth. “Whole bunch of butt-hurt dudes that are gonna confront you slightly” that is how Chad describes the guys who are giving him the talking to…he adds that it is like ‘West Side story’ and even does the dancing motion, “it is like a bunch of Care Bears.” Again he points out the obvious; “If you are going to do something, think out the end result” the guys confronted him but had no end game.

Chad then goes and interrupts Evan’s time when Evan comes back to the guys he tells them and the guys tell him he should have pushed back against Chad…they all say it of course after their own dates have been interrupted. So Alex goes to confront Chad and tells him that he is “probably creeping” J out. Alex tells him to go drink a beer or whatever he needs to chill out. Chad puts his finger in Alex’s face with a “f#$k you” Alex to his credit does not back down even when Chad threatens to displace his teeth. Alex tells us that he will with “no hesitation punch a guy like that in the face, I am literally about to drop my beer and if he touches my face again, I am about to drop that guy on his head.”

As the guys walk up to the rose ceremony Chad is still stuffing his face, even as J walks in Chad is still sneaking food to his mouth. First Rose to Alex “She’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think that she hates short people” – come on by now you can guess who said that. 2^nd Christian “Christian, Christian, I don’t even know who Christian is…another short guy” as we see him looking around for Christian. James S “Bachelor Superfan” I think thinks he was going to be the narrator of this episode but Chad took his role, wait till he sees this episode, he is not going to be happy. Chad “I think I will get a rose tonight, I should get a rose tonight, I will get a rose tonight!” 

Alex thinks that the rose symbolizes that one of the best bachelors in the country is here, if Chad gets it “It will symbolize, just garbage.” – it is not that serious brah! And of course after much suspense, Chad gets the final rose! Crestfallen looks on many of the guys, including the “Super fan” well if you are a super fan at least you got to see inside the mansion and 2 rose ceremonies in person you must be loving life.

“I will not write her a song about how much I love her, I am just going to keep eating protein shakes, and eating some food” oh Chad. The promo for next week’s two night episode arc has OMCH calling it a “double dose of Chad.”

The blooper reel has Christian stripping down to his skivvies and inviting J into a bubble bath.

The bachelorette returns, and...Damn Daniel…don’t get so drunk

Every bloody season I rant, I rave, I say there is not enough colour, I call myself a bad person and yet still…I watch.
Welcome back Bachelorette, I have missed you.

You know what? There is a slight comfort to familiarity (even if the claim is that it breeds contempt) I am so used to OMCH (Obvious Man Chris Harrison) telling me that this season will be “The most exciting/emotional BLAH BLAH” so imagine my surprise when I suddenly hear the words “welcome to the finale of Dancing With the Stars” I thought the producers were trying to pull a fast one on me, but it turns out I just have fat fingers and clicked on the wrong show! Whew I only have room for at least 15 crappy shows in my life, I cannot add more. THANK GOD for HD phones and tablets, they make watching anywhere a pleasure. Yes I know I should be thankful for life and health etc. but what good are those things in a standard definition world?

We get a bit of preamble about JoJo being sad about Ben not picking her, the cynic in me always thinks the new Bach or –Ette is always much more happy to be the star of their own show than to have found love on the prior show. This option allows you to pick the person you think is best for you plus gives you your own national exposure - oh and it gives you a 2-3 month vacation.

Before even getting to the show both E and K sent me texts the gist of which were; ‘half of these guys look the same.’

Dez, Kaitlyn and Ally (former Bachelorettes) let us know they still do not have regular jobs by showing up ‘to help’ Jojo with her planning for the show. This is a gab fest to the extreme and leaves me feeling a little dirty, the show is already intrusive enough but to be fake intrusive – to sit in on this made for tv pretense of sisterhood is just ‘icky’.

Before night one we get a rundown of the guys and what they do…Grant is a firefighter from the Bay Area so better hope peeps in San Fran are not dropping matches from their hand rolled cigarettes. Jordan’s career is “Former Pro Quarterback” turns out he is the younger brother of Aaron Rogers…uhm I am pretty much a sports fanatic (I know it does not seem to jive with the viewing of this show) and I barely know this kid, how can he still be claiming ‘former’ as the big job to use? Alex is a U.S. Marine so, so, far it has been 3 muscular dudes who all kind of look like each other…the text messages make so much sense now. Alex has a twin who is also a marine and they have a heart to heart on camera because of course that is where you do these things. James’ career is ‘Bachelor fan’ oh come on now you are just trolling us producers!

Evan is an ‘Erectile Dysfunction specialist’ who is a former pastor and this is how he now “lifts spirits” he does a dozen euphemisms for his job. Ali is a bartender whose parents moved from Iran, this will count as part of the ethnic quota. Christian is a ‘Telecom consultant’ and a gym freak he is biracial and the show makes sure we know that from the start, apparently his grandfather was racist…guess which (color) side of the family the racist was on…so back to back ‘minorities’. Then we get to Luke the Texan with a ranch just so you do not get confused into thinking this is the ‘Flavor of Love’ he is also former military so maybe Jojo has a type? Luke tells us that he has lost many friends (thanks to war) so he “lives every day like his last” cue sad music and grave visits.

“I give you permission to squeeze my balls [hands over what looks like stress balls]” and “Anyone can look good in a suit; let’s see how you look naked.” – These are the teasers the show leaves us with as we go to commercial.

OMCH meets Jojo and speaks in clichés, so let’s skip to arrivals:

Jordan tells her that his parents were a quick engagement…pump your brakes bro. Derek ‘commercial banker’ tells Jojo that she has a really good sense of self. Robbie is a ‘former competitive swimmer’ he breaks out a bottle of wine and they swig from it, maybe this is why he is ‘former’ not current. Alex the marine is a lot shorter than I expected, Will a ‘civil engineer’ does a corny trick with flash cards which just cements the long held belief that engineers are always corny (yes Preeth that is a shot at you). Daniel is a ‘Canadian [job title]’ and says “Damn” a lot probably to play off on the “Damn Daniel” viral video. James Taylor is a ‘Singer/songwriter’ so he comes out with a guitar and sings, Jojo says “I wanna play that guitar later” and he says “we will teach ya” way to assume she cannot play it.

John comes out wearing a kilt and says he is half-Chinese and half Scottish and “lucky for me the half Scottish is below the waist.” Next up is Saint Nick ‘Father Christmas [job title]’ who hands her a gift he walks into the house and the other guys look at him with shock as he hands out Teddy Bears from his sack. Chase is a ‘medical sales rep’ who comes out in a huge fake moustache. Jake (black guy) is a ‘landscape architect’ while Brandon is a ‘hipster [job title]’ go ahead guess his skin colour? Come on, I know you know what his is! Vinny ‘barber’ breaks out toasted bread because he “wanted to give a little toast” but couldn’t find champagne. Wells ‘radio dj’ brings out the 90s music group ‘All-4-one’ as part of his entrance, by this time the guys who had already been hating on new arrivals were fuming. Christian the halfie (I can say it) pulls up on a motorbike so of course the next guy up has to ride in on a white horse with a unicorn horn attached; it is Luke the ‘war veteran.’

Alex is the first guy to grab Jojo and the guys hate him for it, Alex does pushups with Jojo sitting on him. Jordan is the rub your back while talking to you type, Jojo seems to like it, I think it is too soon but hey what do I know? One of the guys (Will) breaks out the kids game where you pick a color and a number to get to the answer he asks Jojo her favorite color and she says “red” while wearing a beige dress, he shuffles through to the answer and it is that he gets a kiss from Jojo she gives him a pity peck. Jordan then steals Jojo from him and gets a passionate kiss…that is going to make Will feel great about himself!

Wells the ‘radio dj’ is constantly being accompanied by All-4-one, it was a great gimmick at the start but it gets cheesy quickly and I just feel so sad for All-4-one (but hey cash those cheques!).

Daniel the Canadian tries to explain the viral video ‘Damn Daniel’ as the reason for his ‘Damn Jojo’ when he got out of the limo…it is exceedingly awkward, plus the ‘Damn Daniel’ thing was barely funny when it was viral. Daniel then goes around poking guys in the belly button to which a guy goes “there is no reason to ever poke another man in the belly button.” Daniel starts to get naked to show the world that he can look good outside of a suit and he is described as “White Canadian wasted” all the guys are predicting he will be the first in the pool – they are correct. The guys are getting so wasted that they start interrupting each other to interrupt Jojo in her confessional time, they are too drunk to realize they are not supposed to be in that room with her.

The Santa guy is better looking than I expected but he kept up the charade for longer than I expected too. Luke one of the many Texans on the show breaks out a stereotype and brings JoJo cowboy boots it gets him the first impression rose so I guess the investment was worth it…oh wait it didn’t - sucker! Aaron Rodger’s little brother got it; guess he couldn’t score on the field but off the field for now he is doing well (seriously he never threw a pass in a pro game). 

Rose Ceremony:

The guys are lined up and Jojo is giving her spiel but wait, a limo is pulling up and in walks Jake Pavelka (I confess I had to use the show for his name, I really am not that long time a watcher). Jojo says that he is a “longtime family friend” and thanks to that revelation by her the show’s attempt to trick us by pretending that he is a new suitor fails with me. He is much older than Jojo and he has known her for a while it just did not seem practical. It was a nice attempt but it just fell flat for me. By the way one of the guys wonders out loud “How old is that dude?” that stings; Pavelka is only a few years older than me…these dumb young pups. Pavelka claims that he was just there to give her advice about looking for love, clearly something he could not have told her in the many months since she was announced as the Bachelorette and her time in front of the cameras. I do not know much about him because his season was before my time but I do know that many fans of the show hate him and he is legendary for having a relationship that did not work but hey I am sure he gives great advice… “What I’m trying to say is I want love … for you. And I want you to find love here. And I believe it’s in that room” – nice try ABC.

I start to play my usual internal “how many brown to brownish peeps will survive the first cut?” A guy’s voice over says “there are a lot of guys in here that if they got a rose I would think that something fishy is definitely going on” I think that every season my man, every season! James F ‘boxing gym owner’ who has been a constant narrator gets a rose; we will need him to tell us what is happening next week. Saint Nick gets a rose and a tonne of guys look pissed - Vinny the barber says “I am a good judgment [sic] of character…and I will overcome [sic] the top” but he gets a rose along with Daniel he of the “let’s get naked.” Jake the landscape architect and the Sottish-Chinese (but not below the waist) fellow do not receive roses. I wondered if Jojo heard landscape architect and like me thought ‘fancy gardener.’

In the follow on for the season we are told that “there is violence, threats of violence” we see a guy telling another guy that merely going home will not save him because he will find him and we get a shot of someone with bloody knuckles - they are white so we can safely rule out a few guys…

Bachelorette Promo 2 yawns up

I have shared this story or some version of it before; I got into the Bachelor/ette/Paradise world because of my friend Elizabeth (E). The ads for the show were routinely on during sporting events which are often (though not always because I will sometimes tape delay) the only shows I still watch live and I am thus subject to their commercials. I was talking to E about how “I keep seeing these ads for a show with just a bunch of girls bawling their eyes out and it looks funny but I can never remember what it is for” she immediately went “It is the Bachelor you have to watch” at this point the show was I think in its 16^th season! Imagine that, a show that I am now a fan and blogger of was in its 16^th season and I didn’t at that point care enough to register what the promo of crying girls was about.

So E tells me I have to watch while we are both at a Texas game watching party (we won that game by the way, so I can blame some of the euphoria of that game on making me so susceptible to suggestions) and wouldn’t you know just as we are talking about it an Ad for the show comes on and it is enhanced by the bar speakers because we were again there for a game watching so all through the bar you just hear loud sobbing and plaintive “why (sniffle) why (sniffle) why doesn’t he love me” and then a pause and “that bitch [with editing to make it not sound like bitch but we all know a ‘bitch’ when we hear it].” I was enthralled by this show that seemingly centered around just making women cry and was somehow a legit television experience, against my better judgment I agreed to tune in to give it a shot because I love E and figured with the funny promos and her rabid endorsement I would like it…I did.

 

ALL OF THAT RAMBLING PREAMBLE TO SAY…the current promos have sucked. If I were not already a fan of the franchise nothing in these promos would bring me into the fold. As my coworker, friend and part-time antagonist Kim points out “they always pick the blandest girls” which is true (except for Kaitlyn [who became so bland thanks to the show that I just had to look her name up]) but even with this desire for super bland they then find a way to mold them into a product that is worth watching. BUT, if even the promos cannot show me some excitement in the person, what am I tuning in for?

Now rumors are flying that JoJo was crazy, the producers had a difficult time blah blah blah “JoJo Fletcher Pushing ‘Bachelorette’ Producers Too Far? Her Over-The-Top Group Dates Revealed
Read more at http://www.inquisitr.com/3068692/jojo-fletcher-pushing-bachelorette-producers-too-far-her-over-the-top-group-dates-revealed/#1B3WoJ918B1yMeA1.99”. I believe none of it, I think these are just being fed out there because there is concern that this season will just be more of the same especially after we were teased with the long awaited appearance of a minority Bachelorette. At this point I would be happy with the baby steps of a minority not being treated like a curiosity and a sure thing to go home by week 4…but that is just me. The franchises biggest push for diversity always seems to be “are we going to Mexico or Asia for this next set of dates?”

Another rumor I have seen is “plenty of familiar faces” expected in upcoming season, yeah, yeah fine just load it up with guest stars because at this point the only way to sell JoJo is hoping her aggressive brothers show up and the guys ‘fighting’ for her affection actually begin fighting.

All that said I will be tuning in Monday May 23^rd and hating myself…as always.

  

Bachelor recap or Beware Jamaica will make you fall in love vol.2.34

There is a commercial I really hate on TV; it is pandering to men and women (which is a rare feat). It is the Miller light ad that features a woman who has been invited to a Chardonnay party but instead is going to buck the host’s wishes and bring BEER to the party under the guise of she would “bring a sledgehammer to a thumb tack.” That is already bad enough, if I invite you to a party follow my bloody wishes but on top of that the beer she chooses as the one to make the point is MILLER LIGHT? That is like telling the host “Not only do I not care about your rules/wishes but I also want to pee on your couch.” I would kick you out of my Chardonnay party if you showed up with that swill. You can show up to a Chardonnay party with another type of wine under the guise of “hey let’s try this” or “I do not drink Chard but I still wanted to drink wine with y’all” or you can just not show up, but YOU BEST NOT BE ENTERING MY WINE PARTY WITH MILLER! “She brings a flamethrower to a bonfire…she brings Miller Lite to a chardonnay party…GTFOH”

Mini Rant over, time for the show:

Aw crap we are still playing this foolish game of watching it alongside of a live studio Audience? Ben’s pastor is there and we see him looking into hisbible and taking notes, because we needed that proof. I hope he is looking up the passage that will excuse this moment, I suggest Isaiah 41:10 (look it up you heathens). And how much am I supposed to buy this guy as Ben’s pastor…Ben lives in Colorado now, we can stop pretending! 

We return to JAMAICA, the island is beating Lauren up and apparently causing her to crinkle her eyes into the sun…or because the producers will not allow her to use sunglasses. JoJo got to use more makeup for her ‘natural’ look.

Ben tells us he is in love with 2 women and he does not know how to handle it. 

Ben’s parents get the free trip to JAMAICA and they are beaming. Ben’s mom looks concerned that he has told 2 women that he loves them; the dad looks like he is wondering if it is too soon to start drinking the rum.

Ben’s mom uses words that I am sure will comfort Jojo when she watches this “Ben did say that he loves Lauren, but he talks like he loves ‘this other’girl too.” Nothing like being the other girl to feel great! The mom calls it disturbing that Ben loves 2 women…but coming on a show with dozens of girls, that part was okay? Lauren tells the parents that she told Ben on the first date that she wants to meet his parents, she pretends it was spontaneity, I suspect calculation.

The dad pulls Lauren aside, and he asks her if she is in love with Ben, she of course says yes. Time for the mom to try to stump Lauren; the mom says that Ben is his worst critic. I cannot even imagine my parents talking to these girls they would ruin these poor girls and they would not care that it is on camera. I guess that is why peeps like me are not on these shows. No way does my dad lead with a softball like “are you in love with CaliJ?” He would probably say something more like “Are you emotionally damaged, why on earth are you trying to date this boy?” And that is IF they even bothered to show up for the taping. 

Lauren tells Ben that she is “totally ready to get engaged” right after telling him that marriage is so important for her because she is only going to do it once. Maybe she meant once on camera?

JoJo shows up looking very nervous and she confesses it to the parents. Ben is one of those guys that tells his parents way too much about his love life explaining that they took a helicopter ride to the Hoover dam but they didn’t see much of it, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. BARF!

JoJo gives the dad a much better answer than Lauren since he gave her an essay question basically; “tell me everything you like about my son and why.”

Ben’s mom tells JoJo that Ben described her as “safe” she seems nonplussed. Safe is something you say about a Volvo, safe is not sexy. The mom seems to really like JoJo.

Ben’s parents seem to be agonized by the decision making process, but for a family that faith is supposedly so important to no one mentions God’s guidance? Does the show warn them not to say anything, or does it cut out religious references? My parents wish God’s guidance to me when I am trying to make a decision like what day to fly home and this kid is going to pick a wife, (and ‘his pastor’ is going to show up) and no one thinks to look to God?

Lauren meets Ben on a catamaran and I think, “This is the way to do island life…if you are fabulously wealthy.” Ben’s convo with Lauren feels like I am listening in on someone who just learned English and is struggling to make sure they use the correct words to convey meaning. 

In the evening Lauren is rocking a dress and Ben shows up in a pullover, A. it is a hot tropical island playa and B. dress up a little man, yeesh. I am missing much of this terrible dialog because I am busy searching Catamaran trips in JAMAICA and wondering if it would be terrible of me to take one out solo! Ben tells Lauren “No matter what happens, you have made me a better person” – great so if he picks JoJo, Lauren has the satisfaction of knowing she improved him for her? This of course leaves Lauren afraid, so we are back to the early season move of Ben shattering the girl and then trying to comfort her.

The good thing about these stupid ‘live studio look ins’ is that I can get through this show faster. “It’s not that Lauren has taken a step back, it is that JoJo has stepped up.” Seriously this kid is going to have a lot of explaining to do to the one he ends up with. JoJo says “they are very friendly here in JAMAICA” yes, yes we are, but that dude who was chasing your car and yelling “Welcome, welcome” just wanted your tourist dollars. Ben takes Lauren to the Blue Hole, great now we have to repair that place! If they wanted to make it the authentic Blue Hole tourist experience they would have had a guide pestering them to show them around.

In the evening, Lauren is wearing an outfit that make me think she is wearing plenty of tape and the post production coordinator (my former job gotta give it a shoutout) was probably panicking making sure that nothing needed to be blurred. E texts me to point out that Ben’s date with Lauren was terrible and that the date with JoJo is going so much better…bear in mind this is even though this date has Ben constantly sighing, stuttering and putting his head in his hands because he cannot express himself.

Ben and Jojo go into the bathroom to escape the cameras, they know they are still mic’d right? I guess not…JoJo again showing that she is smarter (or savvier than Lauren) says to Ben after he tells her “I love you” “but you told her that too didn’t you?” to which he had to say yes. 

A Heidi Klum ad comes on that fascinates me but I would never want anyone to see me watching it.

Neil Lane gets to make his trip to JAMAICA to bring us some gaudy rings and to ask Ben if he has chosen someone, Ben does his usual answer of putting his hand to his head and not using words. Ben says, “Looking down at the ring, I know who I am going to propose to” I guess something about the ridiculous ring triggers thoughts of her? Does that mean she likes looking like a clown? That ring is gaudy as all hell.

JoJo’s dress throws me for a loop it is one step away from a ghetto prom dress, but she is so pretty she is ‘pulling it off’ I think? The Bachelor has not exhausted its helicopter  budget so both girls get helicopter trips despite being on an island that you can drive from one end to the other in under 4 hours…just saying (during the time of filming the new Highway had not opened yet, so now they could do it in under 3).

JoJo and her prom dress arrive first, her voice over has her telling us how much she wants to spend the rest of her life with Ben, I feel like she is about to be slaughtered. JoJo is holding hands with Ben and trying to talk her way into love “it’s crazy to think that in a couple months you have become my best friend and the man I love.” Ben if you are not going to pick her, why let her get that whole speech out? You do not care about someone if you let her expose herself like that and not just let her go. Ben tells JoJo that re love “I found it with you [pause] but I found it with someone else more.” Jojo’s face at this moment: Tell me again how nice a guy he is? E and I are now battling over text about the ring; I think it is so gaudy even a rapper wouldn’t rock it I am now seriously wondering if I could/should buy her a cracker-jack ring for her next birthday, but I do not want to spoil her.

So Ben has told Jojo that he loves another woman more than her but continues to hold her hands and tells her he does not want to let go…really bro? “Can I walk you out?” “If you want to.” Hmm Ben cut himself shaving! How do I know this, because while he is inappropriately hugging JoJo too long we get a close up of the side of his face, again, this is the girl you are dumping…let her go. Jojo’s dress suffers in the daytime; I think it would look so much better at night where it could sparkle under lights but not have the beading show up as it does in bright sunlight. 

Ben calls Lauren’s dad for his permission - that is going to be an expensive call, hope he has international roaming. The dad gives him his blessing and Ben whoops. ..via text E points out something I missed “Her dad said have a great night (wink wink)” I feel like Jojo should have known she wasn’t getting picked when she arrived so early in the day…but hey the heart can trick the brain.

Lauren tells Ben “I love you” repeatedly and Ben pauses and you can see the panic in Lauren’s face. Lauren of course says yes to the proposal. They repeat to each other “you’re my person” over and over again (so this cheesy show is ripping off lines from another cheesy show? Grey’s Anatomy for those scoring at home…and yes that show is STILL on, and still getting good ratings, ShondaLand is strong! )

Another couple tricked by the magic of JAMAICA.

Let’s see if I can survive this ‘After the final Rose’ junk show:

I really do not like Ben’s pastor and that is with knowing NOTHING about the man, I just hate that he is constantly holding the Bible as a prop!

JoJo comes out and Ben continues to prove that he is not the smoothest - “My life has moved on” he is trying to explain that the Bachelor moments with JoJo are over. Jojo tells us that she is good friends with Lauren and “that she is an amazing person.”

JoJo tries to explain her life right after leaving JAMAICA, she said watching the show helped her a lot in putting the pieces together to move on. I would like to think she is now thinking she dodged a bullet.

JoJo is identified as the new Bachelorette…about that diversity thing that the producers promised? Another southern girl – nope that is not diverse. Another white girl – that is not diverse. Another girl with a vague job description – nope that is not diverse. This show cannot even pretend to care can it? I don’t even hate the pick of JoJo she will do fine, I hate the pretense that they were going to go diverse and then gave us much of the same it felt like they were pandering especially coming off the ‘Women tell all’ where they pitted ‘blacks against each other’ and told the black girl “You are complicated.” The racial dog whistles are already very strong with this show, why antagonize and tease the fan base so much more.

Apparently JoJo has said that her mom is Persian could the show really be claiming this as the diversity? Look I know there are peeps that claim that if minorities are put on the show the ratings will go down…well how about we test that? Some of the strongest properties on ABC have strong minority leads and if you think I am kidding, check out the ratings for Scandal, How to Get away with Murder, Quantico, Fresh off the Boat, Black-ish and Grey’s Anatomy. Now check out the ratings for some of their predominantly white programming (I will not shame those shames by naming them) but let’s just say Texas Oil programs did not fare well this year on TV. Minority, led, driven and featuring shows can do well, have done well and are doing well, so let us stop pretending that the country is not ready for it. 

I pretty much glossed over Lauren’s arrival on the stage it was as vanilla as it has always been, cutesy smile, childish giggle, avoidance of big words. Maybe Lauren is secretly sesquipedalian but nothing I have seen this season shows it!

Then there is a segment with Jimmy Kimmel overacting and every one having to over-laugh to get the segment over.

So Ben’s minister is brought out to call Ben’s bluff that he would marry Lauren immediately, and he continues to hold the bible as a prop. It disgusts me; I know it shouldn’t tick me off this much, and I think it is me coming at it from such a personal place as the son of a minister but the bible should not be a prop to sell your authority! Instead of doing the wedding Ben brings out Lauren’s family for a re-proposal…note earlier he said they wouldn’t do the wedding because they needed to do it in front of family and friends but in his re-proposal (reprosal?) he points out “In front of your family, and my family and friends…will you marry me?” Uhmm so all your family and friends are there? I obviously do not think he should be pressured into instant marriage but come on don’t make that the excuse then immediately produce all the family and friends.

The Women Tell All, and Jubilee shines!

Some of my coworkers have been very fake recently, that will happen in any competitive environment…except…we are not supposed to be competing. This will be tonight’s Women Tell All, they have already passed the competition stage but they will still be throwing each other under the bus for just that little bit more of screen time.

We start as has become the norm with OMCH (Obvious Man Chris Harrison) and the Bachelor dropping in on various homes to see Bachelor fans. The door to the first home just happens to be open, cause that is completely safe and normal. And of course every house is crowded. Where are the clips of the guy on his couch watching via his DVR while he types on his ridiculously large laptop and plays Words with Friends? Where is the clip of the guy asking “What the hell are you doing in my house?”

Okay finally time to meet the ladies and Tiara has a chicken with her…moments like this make me really question why I watch. Jubilee gets a huge roar from the crowd, so does Becca, Amanda and Caila.

The attacks on Olivia start immediately and the chicken interrupts by trying to fly away. Leah gets booed when OMCH mentions her and she still tries to cover up her lying, as if we do not all have TVs she says “I didn’t intentionally lie.”

Uh oh Jubilee is being attacked for saying she would be the first ‘real’ black girl to make it far, Amber and Jami the 2 bi-racial girls go after her…it is black on black crime. For me even if she said that…so what? She would be right! And that is not taking out the bi-racial girls that is including them, even half black girls get dumped so quickly on this show it makes sense that a black girl would notice and point it out if she seems to be going far. (My coworker K when she finally watched it sent this “Jami is trying so hard to be relevant.”)

I do not think that Amber and Jami realize where Jubilee is coming from, she was not taking shots at them for being half black she was not diminishing their blackness she was pointing out the ludicrousness of the shows lack of diversity that it is a visible thing that a black girl is moving from episode to episode.

OMCH plays pop psychologist with Jubilee and the most important thing to come out of Jubilee’s time on the hot seat is that she is still in the military and just made Sergeant! I have chosen on purpose not to write too much about this moment because it ticked me off and felt like OMCH was just trying to get Jubes to break down and cry, he kept acting as if Jubes needed Ben for validation and to certify her place as a woman.

Lace is next, she is so much calmer now than on the show, which I think has got to disappoint the producers. And then some guy shows up with Lace’s face tattooed on him, I have got to think he is a plant - he got all the way up to the stage and interrupts the show with “I don’t think you are crazy, I think you are crazy beautiful” so that he can get a picture of Lace posing beside his tattoo of Lace? And it works?!?

Olivia, come on down; Olivia is taking a very calm tone, but the ladies are not buying it. Amanda tells her “being a mom is something I am so proud of, being a mom is my jam” that gets applause…this audience will applaud anything – who isn’t proud of being a mom? The twins attack in unison, while I hate the twinning thing, I like this, yup I am a hypocrite. Olivia tries the “I was bullied as a child, severely bullied” play for sympathy – it does not work, the audience does not look empathetic and the girls attack her for bullying them as a former victim of bullying. Apparently Olivia is getting attacked via social media, I never get that, why do peeps do that? I don’t mean jokes, that stuff can be petty but fine, but to personally attack, to threaten, to wish harm, that is the stuff of idiots.

Caila comes down to a tonne of cheers. Caila points out that it was hard to tell Ben she loved him and not have him say it back. She wants closure; I doubt she will get it.

Ben comes out and he is as fake as ever. Maybe that is not fair to him, but I do not trust him, I think he says just what he thinks peeps wanna hear. Jubilee calls him out for telling her one thing and Caila another. Becca finally gets some mic time and it was just as big a waste of time as when she was on the show. Ben proves to us that he can still tell the twins apart…I think he just guessed and got lucky.

The bloopers were pretty fun especially when Becca used the name of the wrong Bachelor and caught herself with “#$#% wrong season” glad she knows she is living her life season to season on this show.

Bachelor recap or, no seriously I will never love you, leave now!

I am a very practical man, I know that most peeps are in business just to get ahead no matter the costs of friendship, so when peeps at work do shady stuff I just shrug it off and think in my head “I am better than you.”  I think of the last few weeks of the Bachelor/ette shows like this, these girls are all ostensibly co-workers in the business of manufactured love and they are all willing to cut each other’s’ throats.

 

JAMAICA, Ben’ describes it as paradise, he aint lying, even though he sometimes seems to be pronouncing JAMAICA wrong.

 

We do the usual recap thing where Ben lists the names of the women so we can get clips of them throughout the season. First Caila, Ben is worried that she smiles too much and he might not be able to see beneath her surface…that is a mild way of saying “I think she is fake.”

Lauren: “she is” and Jojo “she is” oh screw this just show me clips of JAMAICA.

 

Caila says, “I have just got to remember to be myself” a fake? Lauren “I just don’t know if I can do it”…telling Ben that she loves him, Jojo would hate if her brothers were the reason she and Ben do not work out.

 

Back from commercial to JAMAICA and we have Ben doing the walk of destiny down a jungle path. First up is Caila

 

Caila:

They raft down the Martha Bae River in JAMAICA the conversation is dead! The rafts man looks bored, I feel you dread! They stop off for some jerk pork and the conversation does not spice up (yeah yeah I could not resist). Caila tells us that she cannot tell Ben that she loves him because there are 2 other women there and it is really bothering her.

 

Night time – decision time:

Caila comes out swinging; she knows what is on the line. She tells Ben that in all her other relationships she knew something was wrong, but with him she knows everything is right so she tells him that she is in love with him. He immediately kisses her (because this is his move when he doesn’t know what to say); she says he doesn’t have to say anything because she can tell in his eyes that he is in love with her. The kiss triggers the appearance of the fantasy suite invitation. Caila does not hesitate or equivocate she is going to use the heck out of that fantasy suite. They do what I always tell peeps they should do - go out to the water in JAMAICA late at night, it is amazing, it is magical and it is romantic… Ben “I could wake up in the morning and know that Caila is the woman for me.” Does that mean he is going to judge it post sex? Does her performance change his mind? To drive home the importance of the night the show lets off fireworks because they are never content to just use mild metaphors.

 

We return to the show with the happy couple still in bed…this show is trying so hard to one day show us sex, I am genuinely surprised a Bachelor/ette sex tape has not leaked yet. Ben kisses her goodbye. Now because of the promos and his not saying “I love you” to her am I to immediately believe she is a goner? This has robbed me of suspense!

 

Lauren:

They meet along the side of the road it looks like Ocho Rios, Ben tells her he has a really great day planned? Really Ben, you planned it? All the way in JAMAICA? I am from the island, I know where everything is, I still have friends and business partners there and I have a hard time coordinating dates and I am supposed to believe YOU, planned a whole day on my island? And YOU knew where Gibraltar Beach was in JAMAICA and knew that you could be there for the release of Sea Turtles? 3 of my friends work for the Fishery and environmental departments and I have a degree in Zoology and I couldn’t get this hook up in JAMAICA but tell me again how YOU set this date up. And yes I know a strong portion of this rant is coming from jealousy…I stand by it. If the sea turtle population in JAMAICA suddenly dips I will blame this show!

 

Ben tells Lauren that he started crying when he was asked what makes him good enough for her, he is putting in more effort with Lauren than he ever tried with Caila. Caila girl I hope those bags are packed, the man kept you there just to play with your anatomical fun house, the other girls are here for the longer haul…but hey you probably get to be the Bachelorette.

 

The Night time is the right time:

 

So something you should learn about the JAMAICAN people, we do not really like to fake many things, so when Ben and Lauren are joining a pretend concert the show has a hard time featuring the other concert goers because so many of those peeps look straight at the camera with stone faces. I love it and I miss that about my peeps.

 

Lauren and Ben are trading off reassuring the other person “no you are the best” “No you are the reason I am here.” The fantasy suite card arrives and Lauren tells Ben she “is very excited to go” to the fantasy suite, she couches it as time to get to know him etc etc…but we know what that is code for. “I need to let all my walls down and really open up to Ben” I cannot even decide if I am being juvenile or just accepting that the show is really trying to play this kind of double entendre up. Lauren tells Ben that she is in love with him and that he is the man of her dreams.

Ben tells here that he has “known for a while that I am in love with you as well.” Lauren looks appropriately shocked! So she repeats “Ben I love you” and he continues with “I love you too.” I wonder what kind of heart-attack the onsite producer initially had when she/he heard Ben say against script “I love you.”

See that people? That is the power of JAMAICA!

 

The next morning we get Ben saying “Honey I made breakfast” and the show featuring clothes strewn on the floor – subtle. There is more post coitus talk than Caila got, with Ben telling Lauren again that he loves her, she didn’t respond to the long pause so he had to continue talking.

 

JoJo:

She runs up and they start making out. Jojo pretends that she does not know what her brothers said to Ben. The helicopter budget kicks back in…seriously compare this season against the Bachelorette, the Bachelorette Leads are getting HOSED! They head to YS Falls, that is great for me since I was just there 2 months ago, I love these little trips down my memory lane of JAMAICA.

 

We get to see that Ben has a terrible tattoo and the blur of his butt crack. Jojo tells Ben that when she thinks about the future she sees him in it and that she loves him. Ben responds “Jojo I love you too.” It catches her by surprise “Are you allowed to say that?” “I am not” and of course they make out…I wonder how she is going to feel when she watches this back…less than 24 hours before, he told the same to Lauren. Her brothers are going to kill him, and Lauren is going to kill him when she realizes he said it to Jojo much faster than he did with her.

 

Night time for the third time:

Jojo keeps telling Ben how shocked she is that he said “I love you” back to her and that it means the world to her. Ben expresses concern about the family dynamic so Jojo finally asks him about it. Jojo says she wishes she could have stuck up for Ben with her family. An aside, one of her brothers was on a reality dating show – the aggressive brother Ben (not to be confused with Bachelor Ben) was on the experimental dating show ‘Ready for Love.’

 

Jojo straddles the middle well; she defends her brothers while telling Ben that she is on his side. The fantasy suite card comes out and Jojo says “I would love nothing more than to spend the night with you.” The one flaw for me with this show now being in JAMAICA is that girls are going to expect this JAMAICA when I take them home! Their suite has a private pool and a private hot tub my home in JAMAICA just has a pool my parents never installed the hot tub, we have the whole deck area for it…does that count? I blame them for my lack of happiness! How am I ever going to find a wife if I cannot give her some hot tub time?

 

We get another post coitus scene with breakfast in bed. But we know thanks to previews that the harmony cannot last and I know through spoilers from Elizabeth (yup you get the full name when you violate the no spoiler rule) that Caila is returning to the forefront before the rose ceremony.

 

Ben “but with Caila I couldn’t say it” he is talking about his inability to say I love you to her, I know the producers are probably pushing him to talk and say these things, but he is coming across like a jackass. Caila tells us that she wants to see Ben because she wants to tell him that a relationship with her is going to be full of fun and surprises…oh there will be a surprise. So Caila goes to Ben’s villa and just roams around it looking for Ben and then runs up to surprise him with a kiss from behind. She really comes across like a little kid playing at being in love via a Disney fairy tale rather than a grown woman in love. Ben by the way was just sitting in a chair staring out at the ocean as one is wont to do when in an island paradise with a bunch of cameras and producers.

 

Ben sits Caila down and we see the hammer being raised and it is looking like it is starting to dawn on Caila that she might be the nail…Ben hammers in that she is not the one by telling her that he is not only letting her go but that he has told the other two women that he loves them and that he cannot tell it to her. Caila might be the next Bachelorette but I hope she does not continue the façade of “I do not think that I can be loved” Ben did it last season and became the Bachelor if she becomes the Bachelorette we will have another season of this being carried forward and it is just a fake line!

 

Caila has a really classy exit for someone who was just bouncing around and professing love, and just as I write that she stops the car from leaving and comes out to ask “Did you know this week?” Basically she is asking “did you sleep with me knowing that you were in love with the other two?” right? It is a fair question and of course one that you will always think about. Caila waits till the car to completely break down in tears. Ben is trying to feign massive pain but I think he is just ecstatic that he does not have to go through the pain and extra awkwardness of a rose ceremony. Caila is telling us that she is ready and was willing to become Ben’s wife while the car drives her back to her hotel but all I keep doing is looking at the places through the car window and from the outside establishing shots to see if I recognize the spots…I do! Never forget, Caila is the one that said that she could tell that Ben loved her based on his breath!

 

Rose ceremony:

You know we still had to have one right? Things are not official without a rose ceremony, plus the show did not spend all that money for locations and setting up shots to just throw it away because Ben cannot keep to the long-term script! Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to talk to Jojo first, and then Lauren, I am not typing what he said because all the questions were obvious.

The girls are standing side by side and Jojo breaks the tension “it is just so weird that there are only 2 roses over there” she is naturally nervous while Lauren is just blah. Jojo is also the first to notice that Caila is missing. Ben finally appears. The roses are given out, the group hug occurs and both girls clink glasses thinking they are the only one that Ben has said “I love you” to.

Jojo again showing herself to be the smarter one says a part of her is wondering if he said the same things to Lauren that he said to her.

 

Blooper reel:

They are learning more about releasing sea turtles and tricking nature by releasing the turtles 2 hours earlier than they normally would so as to increase their chances of escaping crabs. Just as this bit of information is being revealed Ben is bitten by a crab…probably not the first time someone on this show has been attacked by crabs.