Bachelor recap or a Panda in a room full of brown bears.

Just admitted to new roomie that I watch this show, figured get the scorn out of the way early.

Tonight we travel to Vietnam, and I think, maybe we are going to exciting places because JP is so boring. Nikki acknowledges that there was a lot of tension in the house last week, and that she might be the cause…I acknowledge that they were in South Korea and not the house, but eh, Semantics.

Renee gets the one on one date. And we get the obligatory scene of her caking on makeup. JP puts her in a pedicab and starts pedaling, I wonder if he didn’t want to sit beside her?

JP says “the date card said ‘Are we the right fit?’ and I am going to get a tailored dress for her” makes you quickly realize he did not write it.  She gets fitted for the dress and they go off to buy gifts for their kids. The evening portion of the date arrives and Renee arrives in the dress. They enter a restaurant and Renee pretends to be shocked that it is just for the 2 of them…watch the show woman, watch the show.

JP brings up Ben’s dad (Renee’s baby daddy) not something you would bring up on a first date, but this show is weird. JP reaches forward to fix something on Renee’s face/hair and she leans in with the ‘expecting a kiss’ look. Cut to hotel, the girls find out who is going on the one on one date and Andi is sad when they deduce that it is Nikki.

Back to the date and Renee gets the rose and the kiss on the cheek. They send off wish baskets into the water and Renee’s wish is for a kiss, but JP in his confessional says it is not going to happen because her son (at 8 years old) is old enough to see and worry about it…if your kid is 8 and watching the Bachelor, you have bigger problems than him seeing you kiss peeps.

The group date –

They are all paired up to get in boats, but the girls don’t want to pair with Clare so she ends up in the boat with JP…Kelly (dog lover) notes “first time ever it works out not having friends”. Like every episode, JP’s shirt comes off. JP thinks he is smooth and tries to sneak kisses with Clare, he is the very opposite since all the girls see it happen.

Cut to a Nikki confessional where she is worried that she is not on the group date and that if she were on it she might not get the group date rose then says this gem “that is silly, I always get the rose”.

The girls are handed hats and baskets and led outside to work, one girl calls it a garden but it is clearly a field, this is not someone’s backyard potting, this is a farm! Cassandra says it would be cool to have stuff like this in the states, WE DO!

Clare says “I am just going to be Clare” I suspect she has said that a tonne in her life. We get a Jared jewelry tie in where some guy basically reveals that he stalked his girl online, next week we get to see if she says yes to his proposal (let me spoil it for you from now she says "YES"…no way he agreed to the ad, and no way Jared runs it if she said no while he was holding one of their engagement rings).

Clare gets pulled aside first for the one on one interaction. JP takes her to his suite and mysteriously she ends up in the water in a bathing suit while in her confessional she says “I keep ending up in the water with no bathing suit”. I am not the greatest eye for women’s fashion, but I KNOW THAT BRAS DO NOT TIE WITH STRINGS AROUND THE NECK. Sorry for shouting, but the ridiculousness of the confessional voice over while I am staring at her in the pool was silly.

I need him to see me as a “Panda in a room full of brown bears” that is Sharleen’s words while she is wearing a black and white dress that has no back – I can dig it. They kiss but I did not see it because on instinct I turned away, E swears it was normal this time (see below).

 I also wonder how much time there is in between these one on one moments, since JP seems completely dry. Andi apologizes to her mom because she is “sucking face again”.

Clare gets the rose

and Andi gives stink face.

The girls get back to their room and Claire sneaks out to go see JP (who notes that it is 4am) and get him to do a first for her ‘swim in a warm ocean’ (that is code for Sex right?).

I know to many peeps that request might seem weird, but to someone who used to always swim in the ocean and then moved to beside the Pacific…I MISS THE WARM waters. I used to go swimming at 3am in Jamaica and it was awesome, I now live blocks from the water and I never swim in it. The Pacific was designed to stunt growth; every time I dip just a toe in I think I will never be able to produce kids.

Time for Nikki’s one on one date and she dresses like a 90s tennis star. We see her take her suitcase and place it by the door (foreshadowing? Doubt it, she is too cute and pushes the right buttons). Continuing the tradition of extreme dates, they are going to rappel down a rock face to a cave.

Nikki is nervous, she lists her options as “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants.” Just like Clare with bungee jumping of course she does it…then says she would not do it for any ordinary guy just for someone she is falling for, or as I think is much more honest – because she is on TV.

Nikki speaks intelligently about her job, which leaves me slightly sad, I do not want to view these girls as normal beings. She smoothly transitions into saying she has a lot of love to give to someone and their child. Nikki of course gets the rose.

Rose ceremony is coming up and Renee when seeing the location says “perfect setting for a first kiss” she is desperate. JP announces that he is sending home 3 people that night, I immediately think Danielle is one because I never see her interacting with him. JP tells Andi not to be nervous about the rose ceremony. “Dame un besito” (give me a little kiss) that is JP teaching Andi how to speak Spanish…creeper.

Renee convinces JP that her son already knows she has issues so it is okay to slobber her, and so he does.

This leads to her spinning around like a top.

JP pulls Clare aside to talk about their 4am swim class and his regrets about doing it. This leads to Clare crying (she is allegedly 32) she says that when they were in the ocean “it was a mutual feeling, there was no miscommunication, there was no misunderstanding, he was on board with everything”…uhmm did they tap? They did - didn't they? It sounds like someone tapped, plus her toast had that pause in it with the "making love".

No gif but look at the post toast faces she has the "whoo hoo I did it look" and he has the "oh crap she just admitted it to everyone look"

Clare continues crying for another session and asks JP if he wants to take the rose back. Cynical me thinks part of this is her playing a game since she knows she is safe.

Oh hey there Chris Harrison, I see you got the free trip to Vietnam for ten minutes of work. The line up commences. Andi gets the final rose which makes my prediction of Danielle correct, but Kelly the Dog lover is gone which means her catty comments are gone and I will miss those. I think having JP separated from her dog for so long cost her. Sharleen and JP are both crying like they were the ones cut.

They are heading to New Zealand next week...wonder if they cut 3 girls to save cost.

The blooper reel has the girls riding oxen. 

 And now thoughts from E (including a mini humble brag re her travels): 

Okay, so I have to warn you that this may get a little heavy on the personal comments because I know one of the places they go is Hoi An, and that’s easily one of the top 5 places I’ve ever been to in my life, and I was there last March so it is still fresh.

Rene has the first one on one date.  I think she is going to get sent home (this is my guess before seeing the date).  So the date takes place in Hoi An.  I know exactly where they are!  I spent 5 days exploring this place and fell in love with it.  I miss it.  When they’re wandering the streets I’m right back there.  And it’s funny she said during the measurements for her dress sorry I’m sweaty and I was like oh yeah that was me too.  LOL

Well, looks like I was wrong.  Rene got the rose.  But I am glad.  I like her.  But her not getting a kiss is getting more and more awkward.

Andi is being an idiot about not getting the one on one date. Deal with it.

Group date.

Not much to say.  Until JP “randomly” finds some guy who invites him into his home to eat.  Yeah.  Random.  These girls are idiots.  They just happen to have hats for everyone.  And some sort of utensil or something.  And a community garden.  Holy cow how great was it that they randomly found this place that wasn’t planned at all!  Maybe Chelsie is the biggest idiot.

Sharleen: “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  Ummmmm, okayyyy…  Oh wow, did they have a normal looking kiss?

Um, did Claire just say they did it, basically?  For someone who implemented a no kiss rule she sure is a slut.

Nikki’s one on one date:

Ha! She cracks me up.  At the entrance to the cave: “Should someone call my mom and tell her that I love her?”  It’s also funny that JP is all of a sudden no longer afraid of heights (remember the bungee jump?).

The beginning of the cocktail party is so awkward.  And then Claire’s toast about making love?  Yeah, she boned him.

Yes! Rene got her kiss.  The swelling music and everything makes it seems like they’re going to have an immaculate conception from that kiss.

And back to the Claire being a slut… isn’t it funny how she is going on and on about not realizing his daughter might see it?  Um, what about your mom?  Family and friends?  No matter how much you want to get it on, seriously, how can you forget cameras are on you and basically you’re making porn?

Rose Ceremony

Andi looks desperate.  Wow.  But she got the rose.  I was not at all surprised by the 3 that went home.  The last of the riff raff in my opinion. And I just cackled out loud seeing JP all teary saying goodbye to the girls.  Wow, that was funny.

Previews for the next episode go to New Zealand.  From the clips they show my thoughts are: Zorbing! Milford Sound! (maybe).  They’re trip around the world is all places I’ve traveled to before.

Episode 4 of the Bachelor or, how I wish they had gone to North instead of South Korea.

“Korea I don’t even have a kimono” So says one of the girls when she finds out they are going to SOUTH KOREA – of course none of the girls are smart enough to correct her that kimonos are Japanese. The girls collect their luggage and they each have more bags than I would if I packed all of my clothes up to move and I have a tonne of clothes. There is a tonne of B Roll of JP walking around Seoul trying to look like a confident tourist but to me he just looks confused.

The group date is at a K pop studio and they meet the group 2NE1 (a huge group in Korea, some of the girls pretend that they know who they are…I doubt they do).

Hmm JP hmm - The girls are required to learn a dance and while I like to make fun of these girls, I had to learn dances sometimes for performances in high school and I had the hardest time picking up routines…I could mimic anything while the instructor was doing it, but once I could not follow a lead – Failure! Props to anyone that can quickly pick up a routine…it is tough!

Kat is ecstatic that the girls get to perform with 2NE1 (she is a dancer). These girls are very ‘screamy’ they remind me of the HIMYM “Woo girls”.

 

“It was my childhood dream to be Britney Spears’ backup dancer” so sad, and says so much about girls on this show. The girls perform at a mall show with 2NE1 in front of thousands of fans and Kat thinks she is the star of the show; the other girls disagree via stinkfaces.

During the night time group date Kat goes off with JP and the other girls (especially Nikki) start talking about her behind her back, Kat says her dad had 7 DUIs, as someone who has defended DUI persons, that is scary to hear – but I really, really want to know what state he was/is in. In their confessionals all the girls call Nikki negative, Elise starts to hint it to JP but smartly does not snitch, you never want to be labeled the snitch too early. Cut to the hotel and Sharleen gets the one on one group date. Back to the group date Nikki gets the rose and a kiss and looks from the girls that they hope will melt her.

Sharleen and JP go to a Korean market, to Sharleen’s credit, she tries everything offered. Sharleen seems too smart for JP and then we immediately cut to the hotel where a girl mentions that Sharleen has said “she is bored by him” – makes sense. Sharleen is so pretty, I can see why JP is fascinated by her, sadly she reminds me a tonne of my ex…so I cannot trust her that much (yes I just humble bragged that I dated a gorgeous girl – she was a singer too).

Sharleen sings for JP on her date (she claims that she never sings this early for a guy) and they do their awkward kiss again they really just have terrible kissing chemistry. JP claims that Sharleen is just like him, I think he has way more self-confidence than self-awareness. Sharleen pretty much tells him that she doesn’t want kids and she doesn’t want a pre-fab family (she didn’t like that a prior boyfriend had a child) and JP still gives her the rose…dude is sprung.

The 2^nd group date begins in another market and they go to a Karaoke house – based on this show I would be convinced that the only things done in Korea are singing, and shopping and as with the 2NE1 show; singing in a mall so that people can shop and sing at the same time. I still have to do my daily 25 pushups but I think this show has sapped my will to live…so why exercise? They go to a date where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet in the water and the fish seem to all congregate around Renee’s feet. (not making an age joke)

As they walk around they are stared at by so many Koreans and I want to yell “THEY DO NOT REPRESENT US” but this was filmed months ago, in another country, it is on my TV and it is Time Delayed…but I still think I should try to warn them. Clare refuses to eat octopus, initially, but this is a show where she is competing with other girls to win a guy who just ate octopus, does anyone really believe she is not going to eat it?

Kelly brings up a good point re what Clare has probably swallowed and the size discrepancy. (This might be why she is R's fave girl on her [I still hate R and E for making me watch this, but if I must, at least let's have entertaining girls on])

Renee really wants to kiss JP but her method of doing it is by bringing up his daughter - that killed any chance of a kiss. JP in his confessional says he is not going to kiss any girls on this group date.

Lauren S. in her one on one time tries to get “Un beso” a kiss but is refused by JP, it leaves her crying because he gave the excuse of “I have a daughter and I don’t want her to see her daddy kissing a bunch of girls” which she rightfully judges as BS – by his math and the Girls math, he has already kissed 6 girls.

I have a soft spot in my heart for her because she is from Austin! Andi and Kelly bond over mocking Clare. Clare claims that she threw up in her mouth when trying octopus and then swallowed it back down (gross). Clare had also instituted a no kissing rule – she and JP break it…shocking.

Andi gets the rose and Clare gives the WTF look.

Cocktail party time and tension is high; and still no pushups by me. The girls had made a pact that those with roses would not interrupt the one on one time of those who did not have roses, and then Nikki breaks it and interrupts Clare’s date; I sense a clash of the blondes coming. JP brings up to Nikki that there is probably drama in the house and Nikki immediately suspects Clare of telling him stories. Kelly the dog lover is also apparently an instigator; she is sitting in between Nikki and Clare and brings up how awkward it is, this leads to a mini clash between the 2. – Re reading this paragraph makes me feel like I am in a high school clique, ‘I heard from, my friend’s best friend’s cousin that your sister said that my cousin told your friend to…’

Rose ceremony time and as always my brain has begun to shut down completely, Kelly the dog lover gets a rose, and while I hate that as a title, I think she helps to move the show along. Clare gets called for a rose and Nikki looks murderous. The final rose goes to Kat I guess her dancing helped. Elise and Lauren S. have to leave, Elise is wearing a terrible dress she asks “what could another girl have that I didn’t” and I involuntarily said out loud “a better dress”.

Lauren S. as she leaves laments trying to go in for the kiss, poor girl blames herself as she tries to analyze where she went wrong.  The source I get gifs from also let me know about Elise's "Sexy Xmas time" (x on purpose) video…check it out here. It is not as Porny as the headline sensationally claims (just skimpy outfits).

E warned me to mute my TV for the close out K pop song, but I could not resist I had to listen to it…she is right, it doesget stuck in your head.

 

Gifs from http://www.buzzfeed.com/toddb17/the-bachelor-gif-recap-week-4-seoul-sisters-dhd4

We have a guest blogger today, who didn't know she would be guest blogging. E shared her thoughts to me via Email and I am just including it all here. I write my blog drafts as I watch the show and then afterwards hunt for pix and gifs etc., so it is always fun to see how the thoughts of others line up with mine. Enjoy:

"Okay, so I have to write down my thoughts and play by play commentary.

Clare: Korea?!? I don’t even have a Kimono.

People who are so sheltered and have no cultural experience just come off as idiots to me. Kimono is Japan. Even I know that isn’t a Korean thing, and I don’t know crap about either of those cultures. It just make me sad and embarrassed for America.

I’m fairly certain that I stayed at the same hotel as them when I was in Seoul. Yup, stayed there.

When he tells the girls where they are at for the group date, a very quick shot of Cheslie over-reacting excitement again. She is starting to get really irritating. And the head bobbing/shaking, it’s just weird.

I love Niki. She is cracking me up. She’s been one of my favorites since the first night, but I think I can relate because I would be like oh hell no with a dancing date. I don’t know why the girls don’t like her. Okay, talking a little crap is no good, but I don’t think she’s a bitch or really negative. Again, maybe she reminds me of me. LOL So of course she’s not doing anything wrong.

Kat, the people are not cheering for you and taking pictures and video of you. OMG.
And the 21 yr old with the kid? I thought she was a dancer? She looks so stiff.

JP’s biggest fear? Not being a good example for his daughter. Maybe he shouldn’t call gay people perverts for all the world to hear.

Elyse, have you learned nothing about talking bad about the girls to the Bachelor?? Sheesh.

I wanted to like Sharlene, but I am starting to not feel so hot on her. I don’t dislike her but she’s just sort of meh. And she kisses really weird.

Obligatory JP shower scene!!

Ok, Sharlene date… high wasted shorts? Nope. No. She’s also kind of rude and bossy. She just acts like she’s better than all of “this.” It makes her unlkeable. And the kissing wasn’t quite as awkward this time, but lots of lip biting.

Second group date… YESSS Dr. Fish. I love it. If these girls don’t cackle like crazy and scream they are robots. Ok. They’re human. Same reaction as me. But it took me 10 minutes to stop laughing and squealing.

Poor Rene, she can’t seem to get the moment for the kiss. And JP is such a hypocrite. Like kissing 6 girls is better than 20. Sigh. I like how with Andi they edited it to make it seem like she wants to dig a little deeper, and didn’t want to make out…HA. And then he kisses Clare. He’s so lame. And I think Clare may end up being the crazy one from this point on.

At the beginning of the rose ceremony he said “all of you” and it sounded like he said “I love you.” This is not the first time that has happened. Or did he say I love you?

DRUMS…..

The girl who had the meltdown on the group date looks like she made no effort at all tonight. And I was not very surprised at who went home. Still at the point of getting rid of the riff raff.

It’s funny watching the girls walk away in high heels on that ancient stone walkway.

They’re going to Vietnam next. This should be fun to watch for me.

END SCENE."

Sean and Catherine get 'Bachelor Married' and I cry inside

We are told it is the most romantic television event of the year, easy enough claim since we are in the first month of the year! I do not think I am going to last through this unless I heavily use the DVR fast forward (Ffwd) options.

Catherine claims that since they are on a road trip she will have Sean’s undivided attention so that she can give him wedding information and go over plans…her plan is to have a “grown sexy and whimsical” wedding – I think those 2 things do not go together, but what do I know, I am just a lawyer.

They are going to live separately in Dallas until the wedding, E warned me that there was a Honeymoon Suite Cam, but wow it is extra creepy seeing it pop up on the screen. There is footage of Sean and Catherine having their first night in their separate apartments (that look rapidly well-furnished from the empty spots I saw 2 minutes ago).

I am switching to S and C, I am too lazy to spell out their names. S’s family seems a little too polished. They ask S’s dad to be the officiant for the wedding, and he starts crying. S and C go off to a swing that mysteriously already had a camera perfectly positioned in front of it – not staged at all.

Zipping through this show, every time they cut to Chris Harrison, or the ‘live’ camera at the wedding I just skip forward (no need to see ex Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants milling around, and I think I saw Neil Lane and Andy Dick). C tells her wedding planner that she wants ‘grown sexy’ which leaves the wedding planner confused, which at least lets me think she is a normal person. The wedding planner asks a question that I would probably fire my wedding planner for asking “are you and S still waiting to have sex?” No way is that something you should ask someone.

S asks C to explain what grown sexy is, and she says “Robin Thicke”, I like him as much as the next person but yeesh is that what we are now using for wedding planning? C goes dress shopping, and I have put the remote on mild fast forward that way I can see the dresses but I do not have to listen to the comments, I wish I had this option in real life when I go dress shopping with girls I am dating.

 

S, goes shopping for lingerie and this just looks and feels awkward. S admits that he has never gone lingerie shopping before – shocking. Is this normally done? Do grooms buy lingerie for the wife’s wedding night attire? Isn’t this something that she would break out on her own? And…why do you want all of American to know what your wife is going to be rocking when the door is locked? Then again, when you have a honeymoon suite cam – nothing is probably sacred.

S and C go to a cake shop and decorate a cake…it feels like a cheesy Bachelor date episode, the cake looks terrible. They go on an evening date and S presents C with the lingerie and C describes it as “Fancy icing for my body and I cannot wait to wear it when I am S’s wife”. Just have to point out – I HATE ICING.

I think I skipped past a prayer circle for the groomsmen, but no way do I go back, I already hate myself for watching any of this, not extending it. Flower selection time, I am taking a peek and then hitting FFwd. C is going to get her hair done by Jose Eber.

C is doing Boudoir photos and claims that they are only going to be for S, but of course she takes her bridesmaid along and the camera crew.

S gives C the wedding rings and we have the Neil Lane boxes featured. I am quickly remembering how boring S was as a Bachelor, not as bad as Juan Pablo, but eh.

The couple sits down with Chris Harrison and I miss all of it because I was too busy with twitter, I cannot imagine it was a good interview, I do know they did it in the honeymoon suite…not weird at all.

Because the wedding is in Santa Barbara and they keep emphasizing that fact, I half expect Sean Spencer and Gus to pop up out of nowhere.

Ffwd through all the processions to the bride’s entrance, C looks beautiful, but instead of ‘Here comes the bride’ they have an instrumental of Michael Jackson’s ‘Human nature’. I cannot sit through the ceremony; I can barely do it for weddings of people I care about. Thanks to E, I knew when to pause for the vows, though still nearly missed them thanks to really putting the Ffwd into overdrive.

The best man does some ring gimmick, it wasn’t funny, the whole thing is terrible, E has my undying hate for making me watch this, I am at this point just watching hoping to see a mistake. I am now only slowing the DVR for moments that look like people are laughing or an accident has occurred, so yup only stopped for the kiss. Terribly boring TV wedding (which I guess makes it a real wedding). Do we follow them into the honeymoon suite? Will that be shown tomorrow on the Bachelor?

 

 

Richard Sherman and the ever evolving N-word.

It has been almost a week since Sherman gave his adrenaline laced pro-wrestlingesque interview to Erin Andrews and I thought by now the indignation and analysis would have died down. I guessed wrong. I opened up my espn.com app to see these words "Goodell not a fan of Sherman's comments" Really? Now the commissioner has to weigh in on a post-game interview that included zero curse words, zero references to gender, orientation, age, lifestyle etc. etc. None of the usual trigger words that one would think would require a pronouncement from on high. In fact it was not even a white CB vs a Black WR or vice versa (okay, okay you do not need to point out that there is no way it could have been a White Corner Back…that is a different discussion) I am just saying there were no racial implications in Sherman's insult of Crabtree except one – 'The Angry black man'.

Let's make it clear, I do not think Sherman is an angry black man, I am saying that I have seen him labelled as such in many venues, for giving a hyped up post-game interview or RANT as it is so unnecessarily being called. I have never seen a proclamation from Goodell on any PhillipRivers post game or (as is often) in game trash talking. I never saw Goodell discuss the instance of Phillip running down the sidelines yelling at the opposing team's bench in a 'menacing' manner. You could also say the stakes were never as big as the Super Bowl (but that would be me just taking shots at my Charger Friends…hey guys – Still no Super bowl???? Ouch). 

This is not an anti-commish post, in fact he should not have been asked the question, but once asked did he have to resort to such coded language (even if he did not realize it or mean to) as "He is extremely well-spoken"? Why am I never told how "well-spoken" the white trash talker is? Why am I never reminded of the great college the white player went to? Should it not be impressive that Tom Brady went to Michigan a difficult college to get into (or reminded of his child out of wed-lock)? Should I not be impressed by how "well-spoken" he is right after he and his coach pointed out that they targeted a defensive player because they knew he was easy to beat?

Sherman has been called a thug in so many places that Deadspin.com even took note of the number of occurrences "The day after the Seahawks' win, the word "thug" was uttered 625 times on American television, or more than on any single day in at least three years."

 Hmm why on earth would it need to be said that many times about a guy who had just made the play that saved his team's season and voiced a NON-VIOLENT opinion about his competitor? I know it was certainly not used because he was wrong – Crabtree is not a mediocre receiver, but what if he was mediocre? Would we then have seen all this uproar?

As Sherman himself has stated, the use of thug has just become the new way of saying the N-word to him. Now not everyone saying he is a thug means to call him a n-word, but a lot of people are certainly towing the line.

I am now going to comment on the fact that he went to Stanford. THANK GOD he went to Stanford, or any smart school, because hopefully (and it certainly seems so) he will have that strong educational background to rise above the backlash and to see it for what it is, small minded people taking shots at someone because he happens to look different from them. I hope that Stanford background contributed to his strength of character and intelligence to let him know, to avoid the easy bait that the race instigators want him to take.

Finally, I could not believe that some persons were claiming that he scared Erin Andrews in that interview? Wha-wha-WHAT? This is a woman who has worked for years in the sporting arena (and in video that was cut is seen hugging Sherman) she was certainly not afraid of the athlete yelling into the camera NOT at her. Nor was she afraid of the athlete who was amped up after his game and clearly acting wildly because of the game, not because of her. To suggest she was afraid again plays on the 'angry black man' stereotype or on the 'jungle savage' hysteria that is so often played on when a heavily muscled man with dreads happens to show up on a TV screen. J.J. Watts routinely does interviews with bloodstreaming down his face and a manic look but I never hear anyone claim his interviewers are scared. But if you doubt me, ask Erin Andrews she made it clear she was not scared.

Please can we stop immediately dissecting every black man's actions as a means of finding out how close he is to being a 'n-word' and just stop associating all black actions to that word. I would also just love if we would stop using that word entirely…but one cause at a time.

Bachelor, Episode 3 or "how I learned to listen to my publicist and immediately recant Homophobic Statements"

The Bachelor begins and all I can think of are these comments from Juan P. Maybe you shouldn’t be on a show where you attempt to date dozens of women at once and then try to take a moral high ground. One of the girls mentions that a lot of people have found love on the show…I think she is confused.

JP takes Cassandra on the first 1 on 1, she is 21 and has a child by an NBA player (I feel like all of this is relevant). They take an amphibious car touring and then jump off a yacht right after her confessional has her saying “I think I am just going to jump in with him (she was talking about love)” nice timing editors.

I do not know how old JP is, but he seems too old for Cassandra, or she seems too young for him, not sure which way in the equation, but it feels wrong. She talks like a young girl would – which makes sense since she is TWENTY ONE!! She says “I haven’t had a first date since I was 18 years old” constantly, I guess when you are that young those things matter a lot.

JP mentions that he thinks a lot about whether to keep Cassandra because she has her child back home, but he gives her a rose and in the immediate confessional “the last time I thought this way about a guy was 3 years ago”.

Group Date time

The B roll shows JP playing around with some of the LA galaxy players; he talks about it as I he could have been a member of the team – eh. The girls on the group date come out and they practice football with JP (I hate the word soccer). They are split into teams and as always the girls get aggressive towards each other, Sharleen took a tonne of hits from the ball.
Seriously a tonne, The red team is destroying the blue team so JP joins the blue team…they still lose. And Sharleen takes a hit

JP makes out with Andi the ADA in the concessions area of the stadium, never eating there again.
JP spreads a picnic blanket for he and Sharleen on the field, and the other girls get to watch it happen.
Andi who thought the rose was hers now worries – since last week’s photo shoot I have really stopped caring about Andi’s feelings. Seriously look at that Sharleen kiss again...it is weird, just weird.

Another 1 on 1 date this time with Chelsie, they start in the car with some music and Chelsie starts dancing way too aggressively for the song , probably to try to impress JP that she is into the music. We cut back to the house and Elise (27 years old) is again calling Chelsie a baby (24 years old), just as I get to that point, E texts me how much she hates the constant harping on her age/maturity…guess it got to someone else too. I found it funny that Elise was saying a lot of this to Cassandra who is younger than Chelsie. As with every season of the Bachelor, there is an ‘extreme’ sport date, this week they are tandem bungee jumping. Like a normal person (at least in my eyes) Chelsie is extremely nervous about jumping from the bridge. The bungee instructor is a little too broey/broish/broesque (how on earth does one type that someone is too much of a bro in a single word?) for me. When you are tying a rope to me and asking me to leap from a high place I need more reassurance than a “YEAH” and a high five.

They have a very boring dinner. She gets the rose. JP then says “I have a pretty cool surprise for her” as if A. He is the one that set up the musical act and B. like this has not happened on every date for the last few seasons. Chelsie claims that it is a song she sings on the radio all the time…for once I think I recognize the song, but I definitely as usual did not recognize the performer.

JP sneaks into the house to make the girls breakfast, the dog lover (again that is her title) tries to sneak past him to walk her dog because her grandma said to her “never let a man see you without your face on”. ..way to teach her priorities gam gam!
JP announces that he wants to cancel the cocktail party in favor of a pool party – smart man, he has already seen all the girls in dresses, but this way he gets to see all the ladies in bikinis. The other girls begin to hate on Kat because she is aggressively stealing time with JP to the point that a girl calls her a whore.

Sharleen breaks down crying with JP which gets her a kiss; and triggers whispering amongst the girls. Just like last week, another girl breaks down in the bathroom and another girl goes in to comfort her – WHY? Why comfort your competition? I think its Renee the one who slid under the bathroom stall to comfort the breakdown last week. She really, really does not understand the premise of this show.

My computer crashed and I lost much of the recap I wrote so I take it as a sign and just conclude with this:

Boring Rose Ceremony - Lucy, and Christy get sent home, I thought Lucy was safe for a few weeks just based on previews and initial camera time but I was wrong, apparently 'free spirit' does not grab JP as a career choice.

The 'Bachelor Wedding Special' for Sean and Catherine is next week and I am sorely afraid that E will make me watch it...that is Royal Rumble Sunday, a man has to have priorities damn it!

 

 

Gifs from http://www.buzzfeed.com/toddb17/the-bachelor-gif-recap-week-3-kicking-balls-dhd4 

Juan Pablo Episode 2 recap - Adopt a pet!

Fresh off the bat I get to relive how much I love DVR – without it I would have to sit through the 2 minute filler known as “coming up on the Bachelor” why? Why do I need a primer for the show I am already watching? The only problem is that I am watching this on standard definition because I have so many programs recording at the same time that I only have the SD option available since HD is occupied on THREE other channels…yup I watch that much TV that I have 4 recordings going at once while watching previously recorded TV on my fifth channel…I need help – plus I watch the Bachelor so I definitely need help. 

The girl for the one on one date is amazed that there is a fake snow date in LA in winter. We cut to the other girls talking in the hot tub and Lucy is topless (did you know she is supposedly dating the creator of snapchat?).

Juan P (JP) and Clair are now in a hot tub and she tells him the requisite sob story [boring date] she gets the rose. And we get the standard music suddenly playing and the couple having to go see it and it turns out a ‘star’ is playing a private concert for them (I do not know who the singer is, they said his name and I still do not know). Just once I would love to randomly see a rapper as the song guest, I know it is not romantic, but it would be much funnier. 

Kat is up next for a 1 on 1 date - she compares her first dance with someone like “your first kiss with someone” I must be dancing wrong…They board a private jet and Kat does that dumb confessional where the girl acts like this would be their life forever if they got together. Juan P and Kat put on neon glowing clothes and they end up at the Utah SLC leg of the Electric Run, I keep thinking, what if this poor girl cannot run? It looks like a good time and a fun date but still there is not much ‘tv fun’ to it. 

 

So we cut back to the girls getting date cards. Kat and JP go on the main stage for the Electric run, I cannot judge their dancing because let’s be honest, its EDM it is a lot of jumping wiggling and flashing lights. 

13 girls go on the group date:

Lucy flashes the camera when she explains that she will not be able to get his attention in her usual way. A few of these girls are teachers (or educators as they are listed – hmm?) this would worry me if any of them taught my imaginary children. The group date is a photo shoot for ‘Models n Mutts’ I absolutely need a screen shot of the moronic creative director that has a blue beard.

2 of the girls are given card board signs to use as their outfits one is the first grade teacher and the other the Assistant District Attorney…if she goes through with this I will be embarrassed for our whole profession – and we cut to commercial (they run that idiotic Silk Almond milk ad where they pretend it tastes better than regular milk). 

Andi the ADA is freaking out about the sign as an outfit, the first grade teacher smartly goes and switches outfits with Lucy, who we then see walking her dog outside completely nude…Andi watches the other girls pose with JP in outfits. JP walks up to her and tells her the photo shoot will be okay because he is going to be dressed like her, “we will both be naked”. This is breaking down her walls? Look woman, let me explain something to you, JP is a reality ‘star’ you are allegedly an ADA in Chicago – we are members of a conservative profession, if you lose your job over this, I am not going to shed a single tear. This is completely a choice on your part, no one forced you to do this move.

Renee one of the girls gets a bit of one and one time on the group date and is really embarrassingly fishing for a kiss. Victoria gets sloppy on the date and says my favorite drunk girl phrase “HEY GIRL HEY” she tells us what life is about “straddling people and things” no seriously she said this. Victoria gets in the hot tub alone – I love this girl “whose leg do I have to hump around her to get some one on one time?” Renee goes to check up on Victoria who has locked herself in the bathroom and actually crawls under the bathroom door to get to her. I never understand why these girls fight so hard to help their competition. Victoria is arguing with a producer or a PA that she wants to go home they will not immediately acquiesce to her demands so she runs back to the bathroom. And again sits on the bare floor…of a PUBLIC BATHROOM. Lucy interrupts another girl’s date to tell JP to check up on Victoria so he goes to the restroom. Victoria refuses to talk to him. He patiently waits a lot longer than I would – Remember there are 13 other girls on this date, no way do I wait for the ‘crazy one’. 

Kelly the ‘Dog Lover’ (yup that is her listed profession) gets the group date rose. I know it might be because of the title but I keep thinking she looks a little bit like a Pomeranian. The girls are all amazed at how ‘well JP handles the situation’ with Victoria, they are so easily impressed – really girls the guy dating all of you with a tonne of options handles a non-entity issue with grace? Of course he does, it is no sweat off his back. 

JP goes to talk to Victoria the next morning, he cuts her loose but does it gently. 

The rose ceremony approaches, Amy the reporter goes into reporter mode including ‘reporter voice’ and conducts a fake interview, she keeps it going so long I begin to think it is a defense mechanism. So strange to see all these people talk about their kids and yet leave them for extended periods, I am not a parent, not going to try to put myself in their place. I just feel like I could not ever leave my kid this long unless it was to provide a better future, like via a job and of course I think these girls treat this show like a job. Yeah yeah blah blah, chance for TRUE love. 

The rose ceremony happens, and the ‘local news reporter’ gets cut and the shocker, the black girl – E and I were convinced the producers would keep her around for a couple weeks just to fight the Bachelor stereotype. Well Chantel lives in my city, might have to look her up. I think the reporter got cut because that whole interview thing was just too weird. 

gifs from http://www.buzzfeed.com/toddb17/the-bachelor-gif-recap-week-2-too-much-to-drink-dhd4

Juan Pablo's Bachelor first episode

Off the bat Juan Pablo reminds us that he is the first Latino Bachelor. I had already noted to E that the Bachelor franchise loves having Juan P since they can immediately go “Us racists? No way we have a minority” even if that minority looks very close to white and thus palatable to America…

Sean shows up to give Juan P advice, Juan P notes that Sean and his girl are still together and that Des and her guy are still together this is probably only 2 months after Des and her guy got together…they better be still together. Sean and Juan P have no chemistry together.

E exclaims YES…why? Because they showed the scene she predicted ages ago – Juan P soaping up in the shower.

We get some background on the girls, and we get a really fake courtroom scene, in fact the plaintiff and his attorney keep switching sides and there is no bailiff or court reporter etc…but wow the assistant DA looks great – she can get it? ;)

What is with all these old looking 25 year olds? The girls older than the 25 year olds looks years younger than them.

E already hates the girl that has the DVD that her dead father left for her and her husband to watch – she is prejudging that the girl will show it to all of us on national telly; I worry that she is right

Limo time:

E is slowly switching sides and falling for the girls; after seeing one “she is cuteeeeeeyyyy”.

'Police support specialist'? What on earth is that, I have to look that up. The nurse breaks out a stethoscope for Juan P to see how much her heart is racing we get to hear fake heart beats and Juan P gets to touch boob (in the name of science).

THE BLACK GIRL IS FROM SAN DIEGO??? There are no black people here!

One of the girls job description is ‘Free Spirit’ I want her to fall in a river.

The girl from ATX comes up on a Piano bicycle never seen one of those before she plays it as she pedals - interesting, she also messes up but as a piano player myself, I understand – nervousness will wreck your playing.

The massage therapist comes out and she has  CRAZY eyes.

Another girls title is ‘Dog lover’ if I saw that I would boot her immediately.

The limo guy gives Juan P a look before he opens the door for a girl and I tell E she is going to be crazy or gorgeous…it is the gorgeous ADA this girl is ravishing.

Juan P breaks out a speaker for music and there is a photo booth, nice way to see who isn’t fun and photogenic.

The Free Spirit is exactly what you would expect a free spirit to be…crazy.

The massage therapist breaks out a massage table and starts a creepy massage and conversation.

The first impression rose is now on the table and all the girls start freaking out.

Juan P keeps forgetting the names of all the girls.

One of the girls keeps talking about how positive she is and how much she wants time with Juan P instead of actually going to go talk to Juan P. She starts first night crying, and actually pulls a girl aside to talk to her instead of Juan P! Juan P mysteriously shows up to talk to her, which makes me think that the producers sent him in. She brings up to him that she was just engaged just a few months ago…for me that is a lot of red flags. She keeps pushing that she wanted to be a step mom. Awwwwkward

E dislikes the opera singer just because she has personal memories, I love watching this with her. The opera singer gets the first impression rose. But while Juan P leaves to get the rose she looks very nervous almost as if she thinks she could be cut or that she should cut out. When the rose is offered to her she hesitates and appears as if she was thinking of rejecting it.

It has been a bit of a boring first episode.

And, we have an awkward moment, the wrong girl walks forward (and they stop they music as E points out) the poor girl even asks him if he can take her too.

The free spirit gets a rose and it feels like a producer’s choice! She does a twirl after receiving her rose.

Its final rose time and the girl that initially walked forward on the wrong turn whispers “I am gonna throw up” and she does not get the rose…stares daggers

The exit interviews were just so so, suitable amount of crying, just not enough time for them to get emotionally invested to give the really crazy goodbyes.

 

Sean and Juan P have a funny exchange to end the show where Juan P teaches Sean how to salsa and they both end up shirtless