The Bachelorette is back and she is an attorney (former attorney?) (pretend attorney?) oh well she is Andi

So the Bachelorette is back tonight and Armani and I headed to E’s to watch it...I have become that thing I fear a person having a Bachelorette party. We are drinking wine, eating chips and consuming Brownie Brittle what has happened to me? We discuss the fact that the ads/write ups for this season are not promising. The show starts on a somber note, a dedication to the guy who died shortly after filming. Then we get B reel that was similar to last year’s with Andi in a real courtroom with a fake setting. We all notice that there is a witness allegedly testifying TO AN EMPTY court, as in not only are there no people in the courtroom to follow proceedings, there is NO opposing counsel...could they not have afforded one more extra?

We see Andi quitting her job, she does not expressly say this, but she is clearly quitting since she is cleaning out her office. Andi does her bachelor photo shoot with fake law books in the background. Armani brings up a great point “Who has law books anymore…” and I respond with “Or at least that many”.

Andi’s sis is there to help her prep for the first night and she asks “How many guys are you going to kiss?” E yells “all of them” Why do you need a pep talk to go into the first night? At this point shouldn’t you have figured this out, at least before quitting the job and before flying cross country. She and her sister spend a lot of time picking out a gold dress and agreeing on it as the one, it looks great – this is NOT the dress she wears.

The guys start arriving

E does a terrible thing - She pauses it and asks “How many black guys?” I hedge and say “I want an over/under of 1.5” Armani takes “1”.

A guy gets out and E and I both yell “A farmer!??!”

JJ steps out and his listed job is “Pantsapreneur” 
Armani was the one to spot it, his words “hey can you rewind for a second I want to see what this idiot's job is”...he was right to request it.

A black guy steps out and E yells ONE, I then say “Crap I am very worried, this is too soon for the first one” my over/under is not looking good.

The personal trainer meat head has the douchey hair cut, pushes the limo and has his collar popped on a suit...I kid you not. In fact, if you look at the gif when he finishes pushing the limo, he re pops the collar to make sure.

An attorney steps out and poses “may I approach the bachelorette?” then tries attorney humor and I hang my head in shame. Armani “If it is one thing I promise, that guy is not gonna get picked”

A guy steps out of the limo with a football and I immediately think he is playing on the JP was a douche to Andi let me prove I am better thing and I turn out to be right.

“Anal with an M” is how a guy describes his name - E thinks he looks like a dad (she has daddy issues).

 

And then Armani and I both let out a groan that is reminiscent of watching Lebron kill the Spurs in game 7...a black guy walks out and E starts yelling “I WIN, I WIN” I refuse to yield that quickly, I am pretty sure this guy is half and thus my 1.5 will endure.

The guy the show is dedicated to finally steps out and E yells “DEAD”  thus I refuse to get emotionally invested in him.

Sooooo we think quite a few of these guys might be gay. With this show becoming more and more of a launching pad to club promoting and other reality programming (probably always was but I recently started watching (sigh it has already been a couple years - I hate myself)) I would not be surprised if gay men came on for a moment of fame with no care for the bachelorette. 

A guy leads with “My mom absolutely loves you”...Andi notes that he is my type but there is a reason why I am single and still here so maybe my type is going to change, and then they immediately cut to Andi with one of the black guys (Marquel). E immediately points out the contrast and maybe, just maybe this is the change! He takes her to a cookie tasting (weird but she seems to like it).

So Eric is on screen talking about his global odyssey and that it will take 2 more years...and we sigh in the living room because “Sorry homie, you are never going to make it”

A former cast member (Chris B) appears on the show and we see him talking to security, 
he is apparently trying to get on the show...they have to check in with Chris Hanson (apparently he runs the show, not the producers). He brought flowers for Andi but the security guard says he is going to take them to his wife (do it sir, do it - until the show airs your wife will not know that they are unofficial Bachelorette Roses).

Chris Hanson tells Andi, that Chris B. is here to see her, but he is clearly mocking Chris B as he tells Andi about him. Andi chooses not to add him to the cast. But Chris B keeps telling Chris H that he cannot leave without seeing her, he claims to have been there for 7 days waiting hoping to see her. E points out that they are playing super sad music. He initially claimed he would stay there till they allowed him to see her, that plan failed.

Andi talks to the farmer and pretends she knows and cares about farming, but all she describes is camping.

Nick V gets the first impression rose and he doesn’t know what he did to get it which jives with the 3 of us in the living room, because none of us know either.

The rose ceremony begins and E wonders out loud if Chris B is going to sneak in again with his own rose pinned to his jacket.

Both black guys get roses (well 1.5) and the non-black people in the living room start making a tonne of funny comments...I am too defeated to give them ‘Angry black guy’ stare - Mainly because I am laughing.

The douchey personal trainer gets a rose and we all groan. It seems all the long haired guys are getting cut (sorry couldn’t resist the pun). Thankfully the attorney is cut, I do not need people seeing him on this show and thinking that is all of us.

The previews for the upcoming episodes show Andi kissing alot of guys (guess her sis knew).

We also see scenes of Andi giving monologues and of male-tears - melodrama

 Gifs from http://www.buzzfeed.com/toddb17/ranking-all-25-limo-introductions-from-the-bachel-dhd4

and 

http://thewannabes.org/2014/05/20/the-bachelorette-a-night-in-gifs/ (people much more technically gifted than I am). 

A Cowherd rant causes me to rant - thanks Ben

My friend Ben and I ridicule the fact that I occasionally listen to Colin Cowherd. The problem is, I hate dead periods of no sound, I am clearly addicted to sonic assaults and need stimulus when doing menial tasks like showering etc., so I listen to a lot of sports talk radio. Usually in the mornings I listen to Dan Patrick but sometimes 9more and more infrequently) during the commercial breaks on that show I switch to ESPN radio. Which leads to this rant: 

 I wonder if Cowherd is espousing his idiotic rants all show or do I just happen to catch them; I lit on his show for a minute or 2 and heard this (may not be verbatim but the gist is close) "When I give talks at colleges (if my college had him talk I would be ashamed) I ask the guys in the audience 'who here has girlfriends?' those are the guys I say will be able to work in radio, they are closers. It is the same with Johnny Football, he always has a hot girl with him, you know he is a closer, he talks to any girl" - so forget for a second that he is a QB at a football mad school, just remember he is a QB!!!! Then remember that he is rich, and in college at a football mad institution. Remove the football but keep his same build and we have a young man in college who is athletically built and rich, remove the rich and we have a young man in college that is athletically built, I guess I do not know what Cowherd's college lifestyle was like but I know in my college years, being fit got you a tonne of girls, rich, poor or middleclass. 

Let us not forget Johnny Manziel became so popular at that sorry institution for higher learning (I feel the need to do that Journalist trick of outlining my bias by noting that I went to UT) that they allowed him to take all online courses so that he would not be a distraction to fellow students. If the guy so popular that he has to take online classes cannot get a hot girl it would be an indictment on him as a man, not as a football player.  And so what if he is a closer with the ladies, does that extend to his ability on the football field? Recent history has shown that a tonne of average to middling players have clearly been closers with the ladies and it has NOT helped their on field production. See for instance Mr. Travis Henry he of the allegedly 11 kids by 10 women as of right now...or if you want a different sport try Jason Caffey who up to last year was at the count of 10 children by 8 women. 

Before any racists decide to jump in here and start to spout that it is only the black guys with a tonne of children outside of marriage (while ignoring that the leagues are predominantly black) I give you Scott Skiles 6 kids, 

Bachelor Finale recap or I wont marry you, but I want to keep having sex with you or "I've got a diamond ring in my pocket, but you're not getting it."

I just want my blog to be a Panda in a Blog world full of Brown bears! Read on and 'enjoy' the finale recap.


"I've got a diamond ring in my pocket, but you're not getting it."

Good grief it is 3 hours tonight, and we cut to Chris Harrison with a live studio audience and some ‘Bachelor stars’ aka peeps who are caught in the reality show web and need those cheques. I roped the roomie into watching this tripe with me.

We go back to St. Lucia and JP’s family are all there with him. He and his daughter correspond in Spanish and I think “JP you already have a problem with English and your daughter clearly already speaks Spanish, maybe you guys should practice English together, so that you do not go around calling your friends ‘Perverts’, [accidentally]”. Clare is first to meet the family.

Clare says watching JP with his daughter makes him sexy, roomie unbidden utters “so fake” I agree. JP’s family starts mild grilling, Clare seems prepared (or maybe she has seen any episode of this show ever). Clare is apparently the only one in her family that does not speak Spanish, and watching her interact with JP’s family I think she wishes she had learned Spanish.

Roomie and I keep laughing at the audience reaction shots everytime there is a live look in. JP’s mom calls him rude and hurtful, Clare covers it up as honesty – methinks the girl is trying to convince herself. JP’s cousin when talking to him about Clare “Dude, she is ready, I am not saying she is begging for it, but she is ready”.

Here is something I do not understand (okay I understand it but the rap historian in me loves that phrase) everyone in JP’s family seems to be great at English EXCEPT JP even the family from Venezuela has a better command of the language than he does which brings me back to a theory I had when he was a contestant on the Bachelorette, I think he plays up the accent and his limited English because it gives him a better narrative.

Back to the LA audience, I let it run and regret it.

Nikki’s turn – His cousin seems a bit too excited to see Nikki. The sun is beating these poor girls up. Nikki has a terrible tattoo. JP’s dad tells Nikki that JP is not an easy guy 'a know it all'. JP’s mom asks Nikki how she would manage a weekend with JP since that is when he has Camila (his daughter) kind of blows up the whole “I am with my daughter 24/7” veneer that the show started with. JP’s mom asks a tough question of Nikki, how would she handle conflict – her answer is ridiculous “I think we would fight well”. As Nikki drives away JP asks if he can keep both girls – not an unreasonable request in my world.

36 minutes and 10 seconds in I see the worst tan I have seen since the Jersey Shore was a thing. I immediately had to text it to E and R. Chris Harrison sits down infront of 2 empty chairs (which just looks weird) and starts to tell us what is coming up so I skip forward if he said anything important – I missed it.

Clare and JP go on a helicopter date and JP creepily tells us that Clare’s kisses is “Ay, yai yai” Then we get Clare telling us that JP whispered something to her while the cameras were off and the audio was down in the helicopter…something sexual something that she said means that he does not know her well and hints that she might leave if there is only a physical attraction. JP just gets creepier and creepier…but remember he is not gay so not a pervert (his words). Clare “I came here for love, I didn’t come here for just a hook up”.

JP walks into Clares hotel and asks her for a “besito” (a kiss) and she stops him.

Clare starts to grill JP about what he said to her in the helicopter and he pretends to not remember. Clare expresses concern and he says “So that is why you did not give me a kiss?” he is so focused on the kissing, the man’s laser focus is amazing. The reaction shots of Deseree in the audience are amazing she has the “I dodged a bullet” look. JP tricks Clare into believing him, that is all I can say because the stupidity of this moment caused me to zone out a bit. JP pulls his move of putting on that terrible song that they danced to on their first date (honesty time, maybe the song is not terrible but I cannot judge fairly anything I hear on this show).

(Apparently what he said to her in the Heliocopter goes like this, she asked him to tell her he loves her and he replied with "I love f---ing you") https://v.cdn.vine.co/r/videos/0028814F041055007781868482560_1bc8eb65c19.4.8.7052514956889982238.mp4?versionId=Cpyw4OG1WqhBZJ_Hw.V8yLhn_7PmU5Iz

Why does the audience clap everytime they cut back to them?

Time for Nikki’s date:

And she and the girls come out to play. JP initially plays it safe and goes with safe topics then asks Nikki if she has any concerns I spill icecream on my chest laughing at how vacant and guarded her response is. Nikki asks JP what his plans are for after the show and he gives her a response about watching TV alone…

On their night time date Nikki really really wants to hear JP tell her that he loves her. You have probably guessed by now that he does not, but you may not realize he wears an anklet. Nikki gives JP a gift via a card with too many words it ends with “I love you” JP says “Thank you” and kisses her on the forehead, Nikki has ‘a sad’. The audience reactions are great, so many scowls, so many sad faces and my roomie and I are howling with laughter…I really have to try to get tix to that live audience someday; I want to soak up that atmosphere. JP leaves Nikki with a kiss and the wrapping paper on her bed and she dissolves into tears.

We get the obligatory shot of the Neil Lane box with the huge diamond ring, BUT we do not get the usual silly back and forth of Neil Lane and the Bachelor…foreshadowing. Turns out the Neil Lane scene was cut http://insidetv.ew.com/2014/03/10/bachelor-juan-pablo-neil-lane/
Time for the final Rose ceremony and Clare arrives first, guess she was fully convinced by JP’s inane answers. Clare says “I know my dad would be proud” no girl, not if your dad watched this season. Clare tells JP that she is nervous and of course he says “It’s okay”. JP reminds us that Clare got out of the limo faking a pregnancy. JP says “I wish the earth sucked me today because this is the hardest decision I make.” Clare gets the I am prepared for the worst face and JP tells her he is sending her home, he goes in for a hug and she blocks him –
we get to hear the live audience applauding (something we have never heard before – which kind of goes with the thinking that E, I and a tonne of other people have had that the producers have given up on JP and do not care if he comes across badly anymore). Clare tells JP that after what he made her go through, she would “never want my kids to have a father like you.”

“Whoo, I am glad I didn’t pick her” so says JP and the audience goes “ohhhh”.

Nikki arrives – we see JP holding a rose and staring down at it. Nikki in her voice over says “he is going to be down on his knee looking up at me…I think today will be one of the best days of my life” poor deluded girl. Nikki tells JP that she loves him, and he says “I love so many things about you”. JP brings up Nikki’s dad telling him that he has to be a 100% sure and then says “I have a ring here in my pocket…but I am not a 100% sure that I want to propose to you, but I am a 100% sure that I want to be with you”.

Smooth G, way to get the girl, put the blame on her dad but still not have to propose to her…

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Clare comes out first to much applause, roomie is still sticking this out I think he has been trapped. Clare reiterates that she gave JP an out and he never took it, he led her on. Clare will not tell us exactly what JP said to her but we know it was something sexual, the roomie and I just keep making up grosser and grosser encounters for her. Clare says she trusted the process, code for 'I was a moron for 2 months'. Chris asks Clare what kind of man JP was which dovetails nicely with my theory that the show is no longer protecting him. Clare is given the choice as to whether she wants to talk to JP or not, Sharleen looks bored at how long Clare is taking to say yes or no; she claims that telling him off in St. Lucia was closure enough for her. This seems fake, they have never before given the ‘rejected lady’ a choice, this has to have been something she asked the producers to do for her in advance.

JP comes out and the audience is not happy. Chris Harrison is not his usual coddling self. JP again tries that move of saying that he is private and will not talk about private things…cause you know you were not on a reality show with cameras watching you.

Nikki comes out and admits to still not knowing if JP loves her, they are still together. All the other girls look sorry for her. JP and Nikki are together on the couch and maybe it is my imagination but they do not look that comfortable together, she seems to dote on him but he seems cool towards her: In my head I hear George Michael “I will be your father figure.” JP keeps saying that Chris Harrison interrupted him and the crowd does not like that, the crowd loves Chris and clearly do not want JP to insult him. Chris clearly goes after JP and tells him that “he does not know what he is looking at”, JP repeats it as a question “You do not know what you are looking at?”. Jp says "Look at me" so often that I think of the Captain Philips trailer "Look at me, Look at me I'm the captain now"

 Nikki says things that would make sense in the real world, things like; people do not normally fall in love like this, others who have gone on that stage were probably lying about being in love. But, the flaw here is Nikki herself had said she wants JP to tell her that he loves her…soooo why are you still there then?

Chris reading my mind asks Nikki how long she will give JP – This has become the pile on JP show. JP keeps hinting to private issues but then refusing to explain them and of course repeats alot that he is a 100% honest.

The new Bachelorette is introduced and it is who we all knew it would be – Andi aka the girl who is supposed to be in the middle of a murder trial in Chicago but hey, important things must be done. We get B roll footage of Andi as the Assistant District attorney. Andi comes out to a standing O from the crowd.

 

When Nikki watches this season if she ever does she can enjoy these moments of her kissing JP



Her hair looks different here:

and here

Guess she decided to darken it here

and then went even darker here

She looks like a completely different person here

And thanks to Todd Boudreaux    there is a supercut of all the crying on the Bachelor
 

)

When your job title is "free spirit"

I do not expect much out of you, but Lucy Aragon from the bachelor really surprised me with this gem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBGKYO6NqPc#t=75

Bachelor recap or the Women Tell Juan Pablo what they ALL think of him...

I am at that usual stage that I get to every season where the Bachelor has broken my will so much that I even forget to post recaps, it is Thursday and I just remembered to post what I wrote on Monday...forgive even more than the usual grammar and spelling mistakes - I am a broken man.

Tonight is ‘the women tell all’ and I roped my roomie in to watching it with me…somehow it makes me feel better if I claim that another person is interested in the show also.

 Then this damn show starts with Sean and Catherine how am I going to convince my roomie that this show is interesting when I have to start with this drivel. Chris Harrison asks inappropriate questions about the wedding night and Catherine says the fireworks were quick. And more questions about trying to have kids…awkward, screw talking about their fireworks, let’s get to talking about the angry lady fireworks.

 We get a creepy ad for the Muppets movie; it probably was not that creepy but now that I know so much more about him, seeing JP here just makes things creepy.

Finally we get to the Ladies and the usual run down of “I have no idea who that girl is” or “I forgot she was on the show”. The dog lover brings her dog and talks about her dog, I know she is funny but yeesh too much. The girls all recap about how hot he is and then go on to say how vacant he is.

 Many of the girls think JP uses his daughter as a shield. I laugh to see that Cassandra’s job title is “former NBA dancer”.

 They find JP disrespectful for his Clare hot tub moment while they were all on group dates.

 Sharleen does the ‘hot seat’ and we get to see a recap of their terrible kissing. A quick rehash of how little they meshed intellectually, though Sharleen tries to defend JP by calling him “very curious” and I think like the monkey?

 Renee is next – we get the recap of how desperate Renee was for a kiss and her spins of joy when the kiss finally occurred. I keep looking to see if there is a ring on her finger; E told me there was an article that Renee is already engaged to another guy. Chris Harrison asks her about her dating life and she mentions that she is in a “very good situation” and that she does “not want to jinx it.”

Andi and her aquamarine dress are next – Chris Harrison tells us that the camera’s leave the fantasy suite, thanks Chris, this whole time I thought you guys were filming porn. Andi smirks when saying “I think he thinks he is a very good bachelor.” Andi claims she faked sleep to end her conversations with JP so that the night would be over quickly. She admits to being nervous to see JP. They keep hinting that Andi is going to be the new Bachelorette with Chris, asking if she is still open to love and Andi saying she believes in the process and still wants to find love – hmm.

 JP arrives and looks nervous, or maybe he is just processing words, I cannot always tell. JP says that he is just being honest with the girls and then drops in an “It’s okay” with a huge grin. JP claims he did not go on the show to kiss 27 women – you came close buddy. Cassandra thinks JP was wrong for going on the home-town and meeting Renee’s son.

 The non-single mom girls seem to think that JP treated them unfairly.

Andi thinks JP was not on the show to find a wife.

Sharleen diplomatically responds to Chris asking if she thought he took it seriously, she says with her he did.

 The dog lover is mad at JP for calling Gays “perverts” and reveals that she has a gay parent, JP claims he cannot address the subject in just 4 minutes but would talk to her for an hour.

 
Victoria who came from Brazil gets mad at JP for using English as a second language and Sharleen again defends him.

 JP in the bloopers claims to have a little package (he does not understand what it means). He says its okay to everyone in the montage proving Andi’s point and his, simultaneously.

I think we see a woman in the audience crying over the previews to next week…It's okay, my dear my soul is crying too.

 

Bachelor recap first part of a 2 part descent into Brain mush

I am suffering from ‘Battered Viewer Syndrome’ (BVS) I know I am going to watch tonight’s episode, I know I am going to watch tomorrow’s episode, I know I am going to watch this series to the very end, but I hate myself. There was a message from E calling JP the biggest douche ever…and this is before the show started!

 

We start with Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, Missouri (screw your school and its whiny bastards that left the big 12). Nikki claims that she likes a little cowboy so we cut to cows and bbq. She calls OK joe’s gas station BBQ (my friend Chad from there would cry so hard right now – I should send it to him). JP has to ride a mechanical bull and he looks like he is constipated.

 

Nikki wants her family’s blessing to tell JP that she loves him. Her dad makes a toast about anyone who sits at the table becomes a part of the family blah blah. Every family does this on this show, which is the opposite of every family I know, makes me wonder if A. this is fake (I know I know, let me pretend) B. the Producers write the speeches or C. the kind of families that make these trite speeches are the kinds that produce the girls that go on these shows (Probably a combo of all 3).

 

These homes are all so opulent I sometimes wonder if they are rented by the families for the shows appearance. Nikki’s dad says something that makes sense – basically, if you do not love her, do not propose. Nikki and her dad have their heart to heart and he says “blended families are never easy”. I really hope that he means because there is already a kid and not ‘blended’ like the colors/ethnicities…I choose to think he means the presence of the daughter.

 

JP and Nikki make out on the front door step like high school kids, I so want the dad to open the door and yell “Juan Pablo has to go now, you will see him in school tomorrow”. Nikki does not tell JP that she loves him.

 

Yellow M&M gets another featured ad with JP; I choose to think that Red told his agent “No way do I go on that show with that guy”.

 

We go to Andi’s hometown of Atlanta GA.

Andi tries to get back at JP for all the ‘crazy things’ he made her do – so she takes him to a gun range, and JP looks girlishly excited. Andi appears to group all her shots center mass (I do not trust this show). She also claims you cannot be a part of the south if you don’t know how to hold a gun right – I went to school in the south PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not believe her narrow minded stereotype. That said, I know how to shoot (but I never shot till Cali).

 

They go to Andi’s home and her nickname is apparently Pookie (had no idea she was black). Andi’s dad already has the mean mug face. Andi’s dad’s name is Hy. Hy proves that he can do math and keeps checking how many girls were on the dates etc. He also brings up good points like JP and Andi may just be infatuated with each other, not actually in love.

Andi’s mom wants to see JP dance, but he wisely says “Let’s call Andi” I think the mom wanted to dance with JP and he was smart enough to know that dancing with the mom solo was risky (hmm do I need to give him intelligence credit?). Hy wants to know why JP went on the show, his answer does not include the words “for money and fame” so I find it suspect. JP asks Hy if he would accept he and his daughter into the family. Hy answers diplomatically that at the time JP cannot have any other girls on the radar. Alli expects her sister (another cutie) to immediately tell her that JP is the one for her and cries when the sister (like a normal human being) cannot do that. There is another front step make out (hope his daughter is not watching). Like Nikki, Andi does not tell JP that she loves him.

 

We go to Sarasota, Florida for Renee’s hometown, now that I realize she is a real estate agent, I YELL COUGAR TOWN (only a few will get that). Renee says that she cannot wait to “literally eat my son” someone should call child protective services or teach Renee the meaning of literally. Apparently Renee’s union with her son is also the moment that she is introducing him to JP way to not shock your kid and teach him unrealistic moments. “Ben meet your new possible daddy”. This kid is a lot more outgoing than I was at his age, if my mom (thankfully parents still together) had ever shown up with a camera crew and some strange dude I would have curled up into the fetal position.

 

Another Bachelor ad tie-in this time for ‘Need For Speed’ weird, but Chris Harrison is one of the few guys who is better looking outside of a suit, or maybe it just is because I tend to glaze over once he comes on at the rose ceremony. [Need for Speed looks terrible by the way]

 

Time to meet the family, Renee claims that she trusts her parents’ decisions because they have never steered her wrong and if they tell her that they do not like JP…she would have to take a step back and reevaluate…guess she does not trust them 100%.

 

Renee tucks Ben into bed with cameras in the room, poor kid looks petrified. Renee admits to her mom that she has not told JP that she loves him, the mom is shocked. Renee’s dad seems to like JP, a lot. Another front door make out session, and another girl who does not tell him that she loves him…another girl who regrets not saying it…allegedly.

 

We go to Sacramento California for Clare’s hometown and it starts with a nature shot of birds, and bees…Clare and JP meet in a rose garden I want to make so many lost flower jokes. We bring up Clare’s dead father again…feels so strange on a date. She tells a story about her dad and it is a very sweet story, but the cynic in me does not believe it - this leads to a make out session.

 

We meet the family, just as my iphone update kicks in so I miss my snark counterpart E for a bit, not sure I can make it through without her. Clare is one of 6 daughters, but jeez none of them seem to look alike, not exactly true but Clare seems different from them all. Clare’s sis asks if Clare would accept JP’s proposal, it leads to tears and Clare saying she would do it in a heartbeat (Clare’s sis obviously has seen a few episodes of the Bachelor).

 

Clare, her mom and a sister sit down for a talk, the sis drives the convo and says that the family would not give their blessing – the mom says nothing. The sis acts tough even at one point stands over Clare, then moves to the shadows like Bane in the last Batman movie. I think we hear (I use hear loosely because I could not understand a word) the mom say one sentence the whole conversation. Clare’s sister holds a small white dog in her lap and gives an evil laugh…I kid you not.

 

The mom and JP go for a heart to heart and the Bane sis shows up (this family has a tonne of throws/shawls in their backyard). Again Bane drives the convo. Then Bane leaves and we finally find out that the mom does speak and impressively she speaks English and Spanish. Apparently the mom just uses Bane to talk because she is a mastermind, when she actually speaks she can carry on a very good conversation.

Another make out session, JP leaves with gifts maybe we were told how he received them and I zoned out? She does not tell him she loves him, while like all the others in the confessional she says how much she loves him.

 

We go to a rose ceremony that I did not expect, figured they would stretch it into tomorrow’s episode. Of course Clare and Nikki are brought out first to stand side by side and give each other cutting looks. They are at the Loews hotel so I suspect this is Miami, but the girls seem to be shivering in the windy night.

 

Nikki gets the first rose, and Clare murder-stares her, then Clare gets the 2^nd rose and Nikki returns the stare. The final rose goes to Andi and I am not shocked, I suspected that JP wanted to chill with Renee not marry her – oh who am I kidding, he just wanted the 3 hottest left. Renee is pretty, but she is not the prettiest left and I think the pool JP is swimming in is very shallow.

 

Sooo Renee, you introduced your kid to the guy who then dumps you on live TV…good luck explaining that to him…and hopefully his classmates are not as cruel as my friends would have been in prep school. Again the girl leaving has to comfort JP; it is a weak move sir.

 

Tonight’s blooper reel has seagulls stealing all the food from the picnic that Renee and JP had laid out on the beach and one of the seagulls drops a sandwich on Renee’s head.

 

Bachelor recap, part 2 of a 2 part descent into Brain Mush or how Andi stole the show!

(My usual source of Gifs seems to be dead...RIP)

 

Damn it they go to another Caribbean island that is NOT Jamaica. This week they go to St. Lucia, and JP struggles to pronounce its name.

 

JP says the overnight is special because he gets to talk to the girls with no cameras…yup talk.

 

Clare is first, and she weirdly runs up. The Lucian weather is not kind to Clare’s makeup. Clare pretends that she would have to consider an invite to the fantasy suite. As always we get the jump from the yacht into the water move. JP says the fantasy suite is a time for “us to get to know each other a lot better” with a creepy smile to the camera.  

 

Hmm maybe Clare really is serious about the hesitancy (or she could be doing to JP what a girl did to me…I once said I would deny anything between us and she forever held it against me; JP burned Clare with the Vietnam ocean thing and she wants him to feel it.) Nope she is going to the fantasy suite. If you are a girl on this show, you want to go first right? Granted last, might have the lasting memory, but first means no sloppy seconds or thirds…

 

JP said no cameras in fantasy suite, but we follow them right in. Clare says “I am loving falling in love with you” does that count? I am stealing that move. Overall this is a very boring date. Of course they end up in the water with Clare straddling him, but remember if this was in the ocean it would be bad for his daughter to see.

 

Andi next:

Weird while watching this the crawl is about the SD PD chief resigning because of sexual abuse cases by officers against women the timing may not be the best KGTV promo department.

 

As the son of a man who played Steel Drums when he was younger, and who himself can play a bit of the steel drum it annoyed me greatly to see Andi and JP interrupt a band to have them teach them it felt very “let’s interact with the natives” ish, also the move of asking the little kids on the beach if they were hungry…eh not good. They then played football with the natives even though JP insisted on calling it soccer. JP again pretends that he has a surprise for Andi and not “the producers have told me this is what we are doing”.

 

JP wants to know if Andi is falling in love despite saying she shouldn’t force it…which is it fellah? JP brings up some of the questions I had for Andi (see last week’s blog) and even mentions the bar, Andi does not answer and instead brings up other questions…smooth. Andi pretends that she is considering the fantasy suite request and puts it back on JP when we all know her answer is a resounding yes!

 

Argh E spoiled this (as much as you can spoil this show) by texting me how much the girls say “I want this to be forever” and now I cannot stop noticing it. What is with the overly dramatic fantasy suite music?

 

JP the morning after claims that he and Andi laughed and talked for hours…really, I am supposed to believe those 2 talked for hours of consequence? Whoa, Andi’s post fantasy suite confessional makes me think that maybe their ‘talk’ was not the same as JP’s .

Andi claims there was initially an immediate connection when she and JP first met; I think that is called lust.

 But wow, she goes in on her confessional, basically calling JP a man-child and actually calling him “offensive”.

She says that JP loves himself more than he would care about her. We get a lot of dramatic shots of Andi trying to look reflective. JP told her about his overnight with Clare, hahahahah, this guy has been too good looking for too long; he never had to worry about hurting girls.

 

Nikki is up next and is wearing an outfit that is Pocahontas crossed with a hippie.

 JP claims that he has no complaints from his nights with the first 2 girls…you are going to wish you saw Andi's confessional first son. They go horseback riding and I worry for the top she is wearing, those ‘ladies’ look like they are trying to escape (this is family programming – allegedly). Nikki says the word ‘like’ like a whole lot, like a lot of times like, like is the only word she knows. They enter the ocean, but after Clare and Vietnam I just cannot care anymore: if anything good happens in it he will slut-shame the girl and I cannot stomach that and if nothing good happens…what is the point?

 

 Nikki does not even pretend and immediately says yes to the fantasy suite and again JP makes it creepy in his confessional. Nikki drops in her I love you in a complicated fashion but it leads to awkward kissing so mission accomplished I guess.

 

Chris Harrison has to earn his trip to St Lucia by interviewing JP and pretending to care about JP’s feelings. JP tells Chris that he is feeling good, Chris asks what that means and JP repeats that things are good, he is good, things feel good then blames his English.

 

The girls leave video testimonials for JP, Clare and Nikki leave the usual simple we are meant to be messages but Andi tells him that she has to see him in person. Thanks to DVR I do not have to watch Andi walk slowly up the mountain path. Sounds like Andi has discovered what I blogged about in week 2, anytime a serious conversation comes up, JP just tries to kiss it away, literally.

 

Andi is telling JP that she is not in love with him and will never be and he takes it in stride, but that doesn’t sit well with Andi, she clearly wants him to show more emotion. She gets mad at him, I understand where she is coming from but at the same time it is not practical.

 When you are one of three, you are not as special as you think you should be. I think I am blogging too fast for this show Andi literally answers JP’s question of “what do you want me to do?” with “Feel something” I am looking into your soul Andi, I know you before you know you.

 

 Andi says that JP told her that between her and Renee she made it “here by default” hmm see my writing about the night before because JP has just told her what I said last night he picked the prettier girls. We have a he said she said about what happened in the fantasy suite. Andi accuses JP of not taking her seriously or the show seriously (sacrilege).

 What Andi wants from JP cannot really happen, she wants him to break down but in the back of his head he is always thinking – “I have 2 other girls waiting for me” Plus (and maybe I am too practical here) if you have 2 other girls waiting, one whom you may propose to and she will eventually watch this show you cannot be seen begging a third girl to stay.

 Now that she is over him, when JP reaches up to touch her face and remove a smudge she says “you are going to mess my makeup up”. All season he paws at her face to no retribution, but now that it is over it is a taste of “non mi toccare” (look it up I just made you enlightened and improved your travel in Italy). Andi rides off in a minibus, guess the budget couldn’t get the limos to St. Lucia. She is still ranting about the fact that JP says the word “okay” constantly.

 I really think they had sex!

 

The other 2 girls arrive for the rose ceremony and they do not know yet that Andi is gone. Both resume their death-stare competition. When Chris Harrison tells them that Andi is no longer in the competition, they switch to confused-face. Nikki still looks angry when Clare accepts her rose, as if she thought halfway through the ceremony JP would just reject Clare.

 

Very brief but poignant thoughts from E:

 

So I have a lot of things to say but will leave it at this. Andi went on and on about how JP only thought of himself and was all about him etc. It cracked me up at the end in the rose ceremony when JP says "but there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot force somebody to like me or spend the rest of my life with me."

Spend the rest of MY life with me.

Not their life. So perfect

 

Gifs from http://www.bustle.com/#/articles/16588-watch-bachelor-contestant-andi-tell-juan-pablo-exactly-what-weve-been-thinking-all-season-gifs