Bachelorette July 1st, oh Barcelona Bull Fights are not the worst thing to happen to you

Tonight we invade Barcelona. Drew has the first one on one and both E. Money and D immediately proclaim him “SOoooooo gay” crazy to see how quickly and immediately they both said the same thing. E, was surprised his umbrella was not a rainbow. Drew breaks out his sob story and tells us his dad is a recovering alcoholic and big in AA I yell “way to make it anonymous”

They walk past some street musicians who just happen to be posted up in their alley way but mysteriously do not have a hat or bucket or anything to get money they are clearly just playing for the love…or for the show.

Des and Drew are sitting down at the table then Drew grabs her hand and takes her running off down an alley for a ‘private’ make out session. To really sell the ‘realism’ the Bachelorette adds in some post production sounds of frantic running and even show us one of the many camera men to make it seem more real but he only makes it about 200 feet before he starts making out in “private”. Once he gets the safety of the Rose he then dimes out James and his alleged plans to be the next Bachelor.

For the group date they go to play football…remember there is a professional footballer on the show. They end up playing a professional team, a women’s professional team. Kasey expresses shock that they are going to play a team, you know despite the fact that they always play a team when in any competition. The women’s team smokes them with James in the goal who absolutely should be castrated for his effort.

They all go to the dinner portion of the date and Des starts reading some poetry to Chris because you know Poets and stuff. Her poetry is terrible, absolute junk and of course Chris has to look like he loves it. I have no idea if he does or not but no way does he tell her the truth if he thinks it sucks.

Kasey et al pull James to the side to accuse him of saying that he planned to be the next Bachelor. James accuses them of using hearsay while addressing Michael (the Federal prosecutor) I like that he has been watching his 'Law and Order'. James does my move of trying to attack the attackers and finding one nugget of truth and hammering it in, in this case – the fact that Michael was not actually present for the alleged conversation. That is the way to do it, find something you can attack and go for it even if it does not matter one bit in the grand scheme.

Des declares no rose for the group date because she needs time to confront James. She starts to ask him all the questions that the guys have told her. James does a good move as above and attacks a single area and attacks it hard, he claims the guys are jealous and as E said “pauses long enough to work up the man tears”. Des needs time to think, so she has to walk away then comes back to say she needs even more time and will have to sleep on it.

The guy all assume that James is not returning and then he walks in and actually does something smooth: “Gentlemen, [pause] Good night [icicles hang in the air]” walks off. And I want to applaud him.

Zak gets the one on one. I may not have said this yet but he is my favorite on this show just because he is so goofy (remember last week he yodeled). So tonight they go to an art studio and take drawing lessons the first model walks in steps on the podium and everyone assumes he is going to strip…but he does not. Then a second model comes out and yup we have a nude model situation, the look on Zak’s face is again a reason to love him on this show, he had the look of someone who was told to prepare for a surprise rectal examination. Zak breaks out his own body (shielded by a brief) for Des to draw…only the supremely confident could risk that.

James and Drew have an argument and James says the most honest thing anyone on the show has ever said “this is not a normal situation” while referring to the show. The guys all have a team meeting without James; it’s the Real World house “house meeting y’all”. Every one of the guys is dressed casually but James comes in rocking a formal shirt and designer jeans and sandals…not a good look son. By the way casually for these guys means V-necks all around.

Des in her stand up claims that she plans to send James home then they begin the talk and we cut to another stand up of Des where she is now confused about sending him home. James manages to confuse Des with his words, not that hard. James is sweating so hard that it looks like he is lactating yet by the time he returns to the room, his shirt is completely dry…I have to wonder if they A. switched his shirts for him or B. the time periods in between the shots is ridiculously long or C. it is edited out of order.

The guys again confront James (Zak chills in the background like a G) and James comes off perfectly reasonable, he points out that the show is not real life, that people think about other people when they are not committed to someone blah blah blah. Basically he says things normal people would think about when entering a reality show and the other guys just cannot fathom it.

Des is seen staring at the pictures to make her decision and I forgot how much I missed those ridiculous fake decision making moments.

Rose ceremony time and a bombshell is dropped, three people are going home tonight. And they are James, Juan Pablo and Kasey. Michael gets to stay and then makes another legal reference…thanks again man nothing like making lawyers look like tools.

 

Bachelorette recap - Ding Dong the Ben is dead

Our night begins with an Aerial shot of the Swiss Alps and of course there is yodeling – cliché much? One of the guys mentions that he has never been to Europe, then a beat later he says “this is probably one of the best hotels in Germany” How can you know? Okay looks like I am already starting to ask too many questions of a show that makes little to no sense. 

The same guy who last week thought that he should go home, of course immediately starts bringing it up again. Nothing like getting that free trip to Europe first. He starts roaming the streets looking for Des and her one on one date by asking random strangers if they have seen people with television cameras. Brian claims he hopes it will not affect the one on one date…if so homie why not wait till the date is over?
 

The roomie catches Des saying Brian broke her heart…really Des? He broke your heart? The guy who told you that he wanted to go home and you convinced him to stay? That guy?

The one on one date was painfully boring, and our streak that was broken last week by Darius Rucker showing up quickly resumes: NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE MUSICAL ACT ON THE SHOW IS. I was so confident that I would not know who it was that I fake bet the roomie that neither he nor Jess (yes we have roped someone else in) would know the name of the musical act.

Thr group date is on Germany’s tallest peak. They all go sledding and Zack forces an analogy “Love is like sledding down this hill” I really wanted him to add “It’s cold and wet”.

Michael claims that he is willing to murder Ben on his 2-1 date and clearly others are fine with it because a tweet comes across the screen agreeing with the sentiment (while some of these tweets are funny overall as a thing they are bloody annoying).
 

The group date continues and they go to a giant igloo/Ice Hotel. The first take aside moment of course ends with Des taking charge and demanding a kiss, a kiss that if the guy initiates it looks a bit molesty…just saying. Zack looks a little creepy hanging out in the background, then attempts a sing songy yodel interrupting Mikey T’s set up for the kiss moment.
 

The 2-1 begins with an awkward limo ride and it gets more awkward with Michael making a forced legal analogy of Ben being found guilty of fraudulent impersonation of a Southern gentleman or some such similar nonsense. I cannot know for sure because I started groaning and holding my head in my hands because his ridiculous statement came not 10 seconds after I said “please please do not embarrass attorneys”
 

Michael plays the, you are not a good father card with Ben, it might be a low blow but mainly incredibly awkward. Michael goes into prosecutor mode and starts asking Ben questions that he does not seem to be able to answer. But he is definitely pushing too hard and it may be backfiring, Des is clearly uncomfortable and Michael keeps pushing. Ben walks away from the table rather than answering the questions he has been asked – really the questions do seem fair, the rat-a-tat nature of them and the clever editing make it seem like he was put upon. Des gets up from the table to go look for Ben. Now that Ben has had time to ‘formulate’ answers he has them all ready for Des.

But despite all his answers Ben does not get the rose and a bit more of the real Ben comes out. One of his questions on the limo ride of shame is “How long before I can be seen in public with someone?” He also expresses regret that Michael made it further than he did. It all sounds like he was more concerned with winning than finding love…excuse me while I recover from writing that trite phrase.

They do the Chris and Bachelorette recap interview, he has clearly been listening to my roomie because he brings up with Des that she has kissed a lot of guys. Des then says she is a 100% sure that she does not want to have a cocktail party. Now this is shortly after expressing her fear that a guy might be here for the wrong reason…way to not give yourself more time to find out…

The cancellation of the cocktail party means that the guys who had plans to tell Des bad things about James no longer have that opportunity. There are many instances of persons saying…”for the right reasons” The rose ceremony begins with all the suitable fake dramatic music and stare downs. Hmm shocking, shocking the roses come down to the 2 guys that the others think might be there for the wrong reasons…yup couldn’t resist. Basically it is a final 2 of guys that kind of look like each other - James and Mikey T. and James gets the rose! Am I wrong for thinking she just figured she would keep the better looking of the 2 copies? Oh come on it has been at least a paragraph since I asked a question!
 

Now that Ben is gone much of the house’s hate turns towards James.

On the “next week” previews it looks like the Bachelorette world tour continues.

The Bachelorette and the Red Cross get into bed together, the relationship was a little Sandy

So the roomie and I joked about watching the Bachelorette together, turns out we were not joking. The show starts with the guys flying to Atlantic City and I am shocked that all of these guys are allowed on planes. One of the guys described AC as Vegas with a beach…I think Vegas just put a hit out on him. 

Des and Brad go on a date together, and end up at a Salt Water taffy store/factory. Des claims to love Salt Water Taffy and I call her a liar, no one loves that stuff, you might like it, you might eat it but no one loves it. They then smell chocolate and go running through the facility with no hair nets or gloves looking for chocolate and find chocolate pretzels on an assembly line and immediately just reach their grubby hands in and grab pieces then add their own syrups etc…that factory should be closed down, clearly they have NO standards. 

The roomie and I are cringing as we watch Des and Brad on an awkward dinner, you know a date is bad when others cannot even watch your date. They climb a tonne of stairs to the top of a lighthouse and then Des drops the bombshell of ‘no rose you have to go!’ Really crappy move Des – not the sending him home part, that made sense since during dinner he had the personality of a dish rag – the crappy move was making him climb enough stairs to leave him panting and then ditching him. 

On the group date the men meet Miss America because they are going to vie for the title of ‘The Bachelorette’s Mr. America’

Roomies' first comment on seeing Miss. America, “this is the most beautiful woman in America?” My first comment “she needs a new stylist”. Yup 2 guys watching a dating show and we dissolve into cattiness…Chris Harrison hosts the beauty pageant, this means Chris Harrison is going to actually have to work this episode. The men are asked the typical beauty pageant questions and perform adequately. At least no one was as bad as Ms. Utah…

The talent competition was as goofy as you would expect and then there was a swimsuit competition…not sure why some of the guys were forced to wear Speedos while others were allowed to wear board shorts. No one mentioned “WORLD PEACE” very disappointing. 

One of the guys reads Des a poem while they are hanging out in a hot tub, the roomie wonders what he is doing wrong on his dates I didn’t have an answer but now I do; to get away with breaking out a book of poems in a hot tub you have to make sure TEN other guys are present.

James and Des get a helicopter tour from the Red Cross for their one on one…to tour the devastation from Hurricane Sandy, I said out loud “this is just an infomercial for the Red Cross” then immediately a graphic pops up “to donate to the red cross”. I appreciate firmly what the Red Cross does, I donate blood, time and cash, but I do not need to see this during a crappy TV show and I certainly do not believe that any normal couple would take a tour of devastation as a part of their date. 

Des and James meet a couple that rode out the storm and again the Red Cross promotion features prominently “tell us about that first night at the Red Cross”. Des and James give their date to the couple that suffered loss in a ‘completely spontaneous gesture’ yes I used ‘-‘ because there is little you can do to convince me that this was not the plan all along. Fine, they did something sweet for an older couple, but then we had to actually watch the old people date! 

James brings up the fact that he cheated on his long term girlfriend and has the look of shock when Des tells him that she suffered through that. He quickly realizes that he made a miscalculation in bringing it up and he starts spinning crap out in the hope that he can quickly cover up his ‘honesty’ with a big pile of BS to hide it. 

We cut back to the old folks date and a waiter comes up to present them with a replica of their photo album - again remember this date was supposed to have been a spontaneous outpouring from Des’ heart? Yet somehow they were able to find a replica album and completely duplicate the album that was damaged by Sandy. All the photos, all the artwork etc…Manny and Jan are going to “Make it Nasty, Make it Nasty”

in the fantasy suite. There is the obligatory musical act and it for once is someone I know; it’s Darius Rucker from Hootie and The Blowfish. Of course the first time they have someone I recognize it is the old persons date. [By the way if you clicked on the make it nasty video...good luck at work.] This was absolutely not a Des and James date, it was a Red Cross infomercial crossed with a Viagra/Cialis commercial. Manny is going to give Jan all that he and medical science think that she can handle. Okay seriosuly click on the Tyga video I am sure you are old enough.

Hahah the roomie is creeped out that Des is apparently going to kiss every guy on the show…I think he is right.

Michael breaks out a cheesy move of forming a word from every letter in Des’s name and she loves it, she really loves cheesy stuff. But I noticed something, we only got to him forming an S card…did he spell out her full name, did he spell it correctly? These are the things we need to know damn it.

The guy that is going home tonight is…look I already forgot his name I think it was Zack but I point this out to say that I called his ejection 10 minutes before it occurred; because the first time I noticed him all episode was at the start of the Rose ceremony, there was no chance he was staying

The Bachelorette and dodging balls to the face

EDIT: I had to alter this to insert this Video. Turns out that Stephanie that crashed the show is actually former Playboy Playmate (or is it once a playmate always a playmate?) Stephanie Larimore the vid is safe for work if your work is cool with rollerblading in panties and an undershirt...I know mine is - we are super casual here.

Tonight’s nonsensical group date challenge is Dodgeball. The National Dodgeball League commissioner greets the guys as they open the doors to a court. The best part is the dodgeball guys trying to look mean, hey bros you are wearing headbands and for many of you your shirts are too tight – and it is not because of muscles. Take these guys off the court and have them just brawl with the Bachelorette guys and I would take the Bachelorette guys 10-1 everytime, and this is not a bunch of tough guys. I write all this to say YOU PLAY DODGEBALL do not try to mean mug, leave that for the Tennis players. 

Of course the guys are eventually split into teams to play each other. The guys are told to slow motion action walk to the battle arena which I really think is the Grove in LA. I know part of this is supposed to be the embarrassment of “look at the guys in the short shorts” but really? It is a TV competition we all know they were forced into it, it is not as if they went out and willingly chose the same size shorts I used to wear in Prep School – Shout out to Mona Preparatory. It is a game of dork champs against dork champs, but to hear these guys describe it, you would think they are battling in the Coliseum; then of course one of them gets hurt and it all gets real. Actually it doesn’t, it was a freak finger breakage nothing more and the kid (Brooks) passes out when they reset it…come on son. Props to the Bachelorette production staff for trying to make it look like a crisis – using shaky camera work and cutting in images of ambulances. 

Brooks returns from the hospital just in time to crash the after party while wearing his gym clothes. Chris wins the group date rose and tells us that he is excited, but clearly no one has told his face. I continue to be 0 for however many in recognizing the performers they have brought on for the private concert dates until their names flash on the screen and many times not even after that. I think my streak there is almost as impressive as any win streak in any major sporting league. 

Chris Harrison calls Des and she has the special iphone that allows us to hear her entire convo while not on speaker phone…I cannot get over Des’ pants I cannot decide if those are peach or just bleached out red. 

Des takes Brian aside to talk to him about being there for “the right reasons” and gets him to say blah blah blah lets get to the part that matters, his girlfriend shows up! Stephanie his girl, claims that she tried to break up with him the day before he came on the show and that he told her he was just going on a business meeting/convention and that he was just going to take a break…well I mean going on the show does count as taking a break. Hahah he told her they would “reconnect May 10^th, the day after filming” I know most will hate him for this, but I like him even more now. I especially like the thought that he left her at home and thought he could get away with being gone for an extended period and nothing would come of it. 

The girl that comes on admits that she has thrown rocks at Brian’s face – I am going to say not the most credible witness, but hey man, if you date a crazy girl, you kind of have to live with the consequences, whether everything she says tonight is the truth or not, those are the breaks. And man tapping it 2 days before filming is a solid move – getting some of that goodbye nookie, maybe in the hope that it carries you for over a month of filming. Stephanie keeps bringing up her son that apparently looks up to Brian, that’s right play the kid card to the guy who already seems like he wants to get away from you.

I fold my laundry during a batch of man tears and expressions of “for the right reasons”.

If I took a shot every time Des describes something as “awesome” I would be obliterated add in Kasey saying “Oh Jeez” and I would be in a coma. They strap in and go down the side of a building to dance, yup I don’t get it either: It kind of looks like a modification of so many other Bachelor/Bachelorette gimmicks.

The 2^nd group date starts with a horse drawn carriage

And we get a Disney tie in; the guys are going to be trained by the stunt team from the Lone Ranger…cuz Disney. Juan Pablo wins the one on one time with Des and they get to go watch the Lone Ranger movie together which leaves me to wonder – “Do the other guys get to watch the movie somewhere else too? And where the hell are they during the Run time for this movie?” Unless they are only watching a clip show they are going to be gone for 2 hours 29 minutes and 21 seconds, yes I looked up the run time, no I am not a geek.

Zak W. who you might remember as shirtless first impression guy thinks he is getting the rose and while he is saying that, Des comes by to pick up the rose to hand to someone else…bummer son. James gets the rose because he plays up the fact that his dad is suffering from a serious pancreatic condition and I am sure his dad is watching at home and feeling better just because of that.

Ben the guy that the other guys think is the villain of the show sneaks away with Des for a quick car trip by waylaying her before she gets to the house to meet the rest of the guys, smart move. Des sets up a pool party in place of a cocktail party and why not? She has a great body and she is confident, makes sense, plus for her she gets to see a tonne of good looking guys with ripped abs. I would try out for the Bachelorette as a goof but I would need nine months of strict discipline to even get my body close to auditioning ready. Yes I suspect great body is step 1 of the process.

Brandon tells her about how harrowing his childhood was and immediately leans in for a kiss – not awkward at all. I am pretty sure the suddenness of it had Des chuckling when he leaned in for it, I replayed it and he whispers “tell you a secret” to get her to lean in.

I just noticed, no matter how big that hot tub is, that was a lot of guys in a small space.

Rose Ceremony time:

Des is a pretty girl, but her outfits, there always just seems to be one really distracting element on them that takes them from good looking to “hmm that could be better”. Apparently someone finally taught Des how to pronounce Juan Pablo’s name.

Dan is dismissed and if you go “who?” then you are like me. The surprising one is that Brandon is also let go, and he is in shock and denial.

His goodbye interview has him crying and saying “once again someone’s left me” this guy was not emotionally stable enough for this show, I almost wish they had screened him out earlier. I do not need to see someone’s emotional trauma for my amusement.

“Right reasons, right reasons…I’m here for you girl for all four seasons.”

No way do I type as much as I did for the Bachelor episodes, because A. I am lazier and B. for now it seems rather boring.

The first date guy reminds me of a curious but timid puppy, he gets scared when he thinks Des is driving them down the wrong street…hey fellah you are on a street on a date with cameras following you, you cannot and will not get jacked. Then he becomes worried that she has plans to remove a barricade, again dude – TV show! OF course there is a band to play to them, and the guy thinks it will get better than this?

Des says she has never "juggled 14 guys at once" and I think “maybe I should search for the Des sextape”.

Good to see Soulja boy is getting work, his street cred was already shot, might as well completely kill it. They make a fake rap video, but if you saw clips of her outfit you would think Des was in a country vid. No need to talk much about that travesty except to allow me to indulge in a racial moment – the black guy was the absolute worst dancer, and I have no idea why Soulja Boy was there…did he write those lyrics?

“Here for the right/wrong reasons” we might set the record for that phrases utterance tonight. And this was written before I realized that the hook for the damn song was "Right reasons" shows how much this show numbs the brain.

Bryden goes on a one and one and tells her about his horrific car accident where he could have died and just happens to have glossy pix of his wreck with him! Look I nearly died in a car accident too, I have the facial scars from it, the horrific surgery/recovery story etc and yet I have never thought to bring it up on a date, and I certainly do not keep pictures from it with me…then again I am single and watching a dating show so eh, what do I know; Looks like it is time for me to start mentioning it to the lasses. Des has to tell him to kiss her – never a good sign for long term chemistry.

Apparently every guy has to share some personal secret tragedy with Des on their first interaction with her.

The guy who already has a rose (Ben) steals her away from the other guys who need the crucial time to get to Des before the rose ceremony. This leaves the guys pissed, and flummoxed and foolishly talking amongst themselves instead of stealing her back.

I recorded the show ‘Mistresses’ that is immediately following the Bachelorette because I really like 2 of the actresses in it, but no way can I watch that with this back to back. Have to watch something a lot more masculine before I can descend into the muck again.

Did the black guy talk to her even once this episode? I see him on camera a lot but I do not think he ever interacts with her. He might as well just wear a ‘Token’ shirt! Maybe Des saw his dancing and decided “Hell no”, I know I would have if I were a woman. Go high five the camera man on your way out, I do not think I can forgive you for that ridiculous B Roll of you walking around town high-fiving everyone.

The show ends with the completed rap video. Des’ body is great, that is the best thing I can say about this video

The women tell all...but not really

The show starts with Sean and Chris going around to Bachelor viewing parties, I feel fine mocking these dorks all getting together to watch the show, then I remember that I sit on my couch texting funny quips to my friends and typing up snarky recaps…I hate myself, just one more week to go. Sean of course is 'forced' to take off his shirt.

 

The ‘fallen’ women are introduced and there are a few that I barely remember, makes sense they showed up for this reunion show otherwise how else will they get those club booking fees?

Des claims she didn’t know what to expect and I think she is either incredibly stupid or just stupidly lying.

 

“You gotta hide your crazy” I am stealing that from Selma.

 Brooke calls the girls out as being jealous of Tierra for taking more initiative. Oh Brooke I see what you are doing here, no one really remembers who you are other than "Hey the Bachelor added darker skin tones" so why not pick a crazy stance that will force people to do a double take at you.

 

Robyn looks better now than on the show, guess money and fame will do it.

We see Tierra putting on an obscene amount of perfume/body spray; What is the Axe for women? Is it Love Spell?

 Tierra comes out to silence; I love how serious the audience takes it.

Tierra starts talking and the women have “bitch please’ face as they listen to her.

I love Tierra, she is like a Batman villain, you know how no matter how many times the Joker gets captured he is unrepentant and continues his crime spree the minute he gets a chance? Well Tierra will always sparkle. Maybe all these women need to realize that Tierra is incapable of saying “good morning” it is not that she hates them it is that she does not see them...Tierra also tells us that maybe she was not all there, when the show was taping "I honestly can't tell you what, every day, happened in the house." – Did she treat it like a hostage situation and just try to blank it out?

 I need a screen grab of Tierra’s ‘stink eye face’.

 When will they get to that gaudy ass rock on Tierra’s finger?

Tierra starts to apologize and I am shocked SHOCKED until she adds the “for you guys thinking [that]”, I am a big fan of the deflection apology.

Tierra throws out that she won “Little Miss. Nevada” and now I realize this is what Honey Boo Boo might become.

Tierra initially hesitates to tell us when she got engaged then confesses that it was in January, hmm that time-line is very suspicious. I had no idea that there are rumors that the fiancé might be fake or the whole engagement staged, the latter I could see but a fully faked fiancé? Is she a former Notre Dame linebacker?

 

 I have to mentally prepare myself because coming up after the break is Sarah. We get to see a rundown of all the challenges Sean put her through; if he had made her compete in a clapping contest followed by chin ups it would not have been shocking after watching that montage. I forgot that when Sean gives her the boot we had to watch her zip up a suitcase, and it gives you quick insight into how easily we forget the value of 2 hands. I have heard a lot of people say that she should be the next Bachelorette and I say to you now…it would not be fun to watch, there would be way more sad moments than fun moments, but hey maybe that would finally convince me to stop watching.

 

It is Des’s (potential Bachelorette) turn in the hot seat but really don’t we all just wish her brother was there also or maybe instead of her? These girls all sound so desperate and like victims when you see their exits all in a row. Des has a chin cleft like a boxer. Trust me do not just google "Deiree's Chin" you have to be way more specific than that if you do not want to just see a parade of Asian girls self-portraits.

 

I think the most amazing thing about AshLee is that she did not turn into a stripper with that spelling and a marriage at 17. AshLee says she is no longer in love with Sean, and it is probably true, that kind of crazy burns fast. She takes a shot at frat boys; come on AshLee, you know you have been with a frat boy or 2 dozen.

 

Sean is brought out and we have to see him and AshLee awkwardly hug and pretend that there is chemistry.

 

That awkward moment when there is a he said she said about the fantasy suite.

 AshLee accuses Sean of telling her that he "had absolutely no feelings" "nothing" for the other women which he of course claims he did not say. Right at this moment my MS word program crashed, makes me wonder if the computer is trying to spare me from myself. Angry AshLee is hot AshLee, I would give her all the money in my wallet if she got pissed at me in a bar, I need counseling. Sean genuinely looks trapped and I think a few things

1.      Sean probably was dumb enough to say something that led AshLee to think the other girls were out of the running

2.      Sean was too dumb to come up with a better answer than "I wouldn’t say that"

3.      Sean was dumb enough to think that he could say something lovey dovey to that brand of crazy and not have it come back to haunt him

a.       She probably badgered it out of him since they "talked all night"

4.      Sean was dumb enough to forget that this is a girl who got married at 17 and likes to yell out random expressions of love

5.      Sean is DUMB

 

Des claims her brother likes Sean, if that is how he shows affection that guy is going to kill someone with affection.

Blooper reel time:

Seeing Chris Harris curse is funny to meShe takes a shot at frat. The girls get caught by all sorts of wild life, even nature hates this show.

As they do a quick montage of the season I wonder how empty the shelves of H&M and Forever 21 in LA become during Bachelor casting season. I wonder if rub and tugs violate Sean’s virginity code, because that is a lot of making out and close contact with a lot of women, especially for a man who already knows what sex feels like.

Ugh next week is 3 hours, and I know I will watch it

 

A doggy montage ends the show and thus I know that dog is dead, yup RIP Magic. 2004-2013.

Cannot shake this, Magic Johnson has had or 'had' (depending on source) HIV since the early 90s, I remember watching his press conference and being really sad because I thought he would be dead in a few years, the world needs whatever cocktail of drugs he used (okay, okay and his wealth to get them).

 

If like me you always assumed the 'tell all' show was heavily edited the LA Times is here with proof  http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/tv/showtracker/la-et-st-women-tell-all-behind-the-scenes-20130304,0,1406591.story Sadly so much of what was left on the cutting room floor seems much better than what we saw.

Bachelor Recap (episode 9) or Do not tell someone your ring size unless they are ready to propose to you

If this was your fist time watching the Bachelor, I would not be surprised if you never came back, this episode was the most boring of the season, bit of a bland appetizer to cleanse the palate before we get to the spiciness of next weeks "Catfight" or whatever the real name is of the 'Women tell all' episode.

Sean calls Catherine goofy and then admits to being goofy himself, yes to start the show we get Sean telling us about all three girls it is basically a “previously on the Bachelor” recap without a proper voice over artist doing it.

 The problem with this recap is that it quickly shows you how dumb all these persons are.

We are graced with Sean in the pool blatantly posing for the camera; you are welcome ladies, and some men.

They go to a Thai market and everything looks flashy then Sean the sadist strikes again, Lindsay had told him that she would try anything except bugs and so of course Sean takes her to go eat bugs. I worry about this guy and whomever he finally ends up with.

Lindsay says she would love exploring the world, remember ladies, the show pays for all these trips not the Bachelor.

“There are beautiful flowers made out of petals” Words of a developmentally challenged kid or Lindsay? Trick question it is both. Again, remember people, she is a TEACHER. Lindsay says that every time she wants to tell Sean that she loves him, she becomes tongue tied, I wonder if any of that has to do with how rapidly she resorts to kissing when her brain is stalled. Ladies, if you love a man, just say it especially if you are on a show that claims to be a method of finding love.

Everyone knows what the fantasy suite envelope contains right? No one has ever needed it explained? Just noticed, Lindsay’s dress is horrid.

Watching Sean and Lindsay in the fantasy suit is just one word AWKWARD, she wanted to build up to an I love you and then it came out rather forced, but I loved his response “I love hearing you say that”. I have got to remember that technique.

It is now AshLee’s turn to kiss in lieu of using words. Sean continues his theme of trying to make the girls panic: AshLee freaks out that they have to swim through a cave. Another quick lesson to anyone, when you are on a TV show not based on challenges then you never have to fear the situations they place you in, they are going to take every precaution to make sure their cash cow keeps on producing. Oh did you know AshLee was abandoned as a child? If not, you have not listened to her talk for more than 10 minutes.

Jamaica has got to throw some money ABC’s way, we need to get the Bachelor to come to our island and get us some cheap publicity like all these other touristy destinations. (To anyone reading this, the water in Jamaica looks much cleaner than the water in Thailand).

AshLee basically hints that she is fine with giving up the cookies; she just does not want to do it if Sean is sharing cookies with the other girls.

Sean gets AshLee to accept the fantasy suite invite by assuring her that all he wants to do is talk...millions of guys are now shaking their head thinking "no one ever believes me when I say that."

AshLee tells us her ring size, she went with the “I think” method but we all know she knows exactly what her ring size is.

Catherine comes racing up the beach and the date begins. Even hotties have insecurities – Catherine reveals body image issues.

I confess this date really really really really bored me; I just could not get invested in it, even when Catherine basically listed her entire life goals, marriage, and a baby. She gives a long speech about the fantasy suite and then of course accepts the invite.

The Bachelor does a cheesy tie in with the new Oz movie, no chance I see this in theaters, it looks like a chick flick wrapped up in sci-fi, nothing in the trailer grabs me.

The girls get to leave Sean messages aka known as, ‘I feel much safer talking to a camera than talking to you’ vignettes. Both Catherine and AshLee break out the twins for their rose ceremony outfits, Lindsay shocks me by dressing sedately, I guess the wedding dress sapped all her fun outfits.

AshLee you tricky devil, dropping the water works in your message to Sean, nice move, maybe too much, but I see what you did there.

Lindsay gets the first rose and then the producers force Sean to pause as long as possible before giving the 2^nd rose to Catherine…my prediction lives one more week! I hate to think this, but I think Sean did not want to get with the woman older than him…AshLee I would love to date you except I cannot stand your habit of bringing up the childhood trauma, I know I am shallow and I would walk and talk you through it, but I fear it would always be an argument ender.

Catherine notes that AshLee did not say goodbye to them, what is with her and her concern for all the girls leaving? She does know that this is a competition right? The 2 remaining girls have to stand in their rose reception spots and stare out at Sean sitting on a bench mourning the girl he just sent home…self-esteem on high!

Too soon to make the AshLey feels abandoned joke?

 

Because the show overall was so boring I provide you with this:

Look at the big girl, she might be the single scariest fighting force in the world, she throws a table, deflects a chair bare handed then catches another with just one hand. She then stands amidst the chair bombs like nothing is happening. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=z0NCSPh4HvM

It is the "Sean Tells All" episode of the Bachelor

(argh wrote this last week and forgot to post)

And I may or may not be watching this during my lunch break…I want to hate myself, I clearly do. I have a friend who is convinced that Chris Hanson is an amazing interviewer; I think I just lost a friend. An email deal just flashed in my inbox and it is for a chainsaw, I live in a condo, will never have use for a chainsaw and yet I really, really want it. But I digress; they are recapping Sean talking to Des' brother. Sean claims he wanted to hit him…why not just do it?

In the 'Tell All' there is a scene with Sean and the Bro in the exact same spot where the confrontation occurs and the Bro is laughing and joking with Sean and telling him how much he appreciates him. Is the Bro bi-polar? Is he doing it for the camera? Was he setting Sean up prison style for a later shanking? Look at those tats!

If so much had not already been made of Sean's virginity I would think he was going to slip it to Des on the side while the other 3 were still dating him. Their goodbye definitely had the lingering look of 'sex is on the table' and literally on the table.

Watching this without my DVR is painful; I never watch these "coming up on the Bachelor" promos that they run after every segment, I am already watching, already shamefully invested no need to force me to acknowledge the junk I am going to then have to see.

Sarah is described as a fan favorite, guess this means I went against America's wishes in wanting her off the show. Great, we now have to relive all the sob stories, I have already stated my case in other blogs but to be concise, this is like watching comedies and having them address serious issues, I do not watch you for this. (Looking clearly at you HIMYM, the whole Marshall's dad dying season long arc was a blight on your stellar resume).

Wow! Sean says kissing Sarah is what let him realize he couldn’t be with her, way to help her self-esteem there.

"Welcome back to a very special edition of the Bachelor" oh come on, this is barely a regular edition, no need to call it special and definitely no need for 'very'. They recap the Selma does not kiss Sean episode and even though I know the outcome I keep expecting to hear her say to Sean "but we can do hand-stuff".

"Yeah you know how daddy likes his brownie, give it to me" Sean says this to Leslie as she feeds him a brownie, it would have been so awesome if Robyn popped up just in that moment.

Argh never ever watching this show without my DVR again, so many promos for crappy shows, this 'Zero Hour' show is probably not making it to next season, I don’t think I even need to waste time watching the pilot I recorded.

And we get to the Tierra recap, really the only reason why anyone is watching this hour right? Sean thinks he was duped; well at least he is smart enough to realize that. He claims that no one pressured him into keeping Tierra, I want to believe him, but I cannot.

The fight that we saw between Tierra and Robyn was actually just a small portion of the fight that apparently went on for hours. Allow the cynic in me to present 2 arguments. 1. I wonder if the Tierra v Robyn portion of the fight was highlighted because the Bachelor needed to really show that there are minorities on the show and 2. I wonder if the Tierra v Robyn portion was featured because we have the crazy chick v the angry black chick narrative that they think we need to see. Okay no more cynic, back to regular recapping and mocking.

Ashley P., constantly reminds us that her mom is in love with Sean. Catherine passes notes to Sean, I am worried that my pick of her winning it all might be in jeopardy; then again he is goofy enough to love it all. Catherine can fit in the hub of a Snow truck wheel, I think she just did it to show off that she is flexible…I love it.

Sean lets us know that it is none of our business what happens in a fantasy suite. I agree and disagree, in a normal world it is not, but in a world where we are 'forced' to watch you court someone all season on camera, you better expect us to want to know what happens through to the 'end'.

Watching the promo for next week, I think someone ties Sean's ties for him – the 'Have Sean get dressed in front of the mirror' scene, looks like someone who does not know how to tie a tie.

This whole episode just solidified all my thoughts of this season, Sean is boring, insanely boring, and any spark we see is provided by the women around him. And the episode closes out with Sean showering set to porno music…have at it ladies.

Bachelor recap or…you are not good enough for my sister Episode 8

We start in Houston TX with AshLee spreading a picnic blanket on a field that needs to be mowed, couldn’t they find something in the limo budget for a quick mow. (yes I know that counts as flowers but come on) My bro’s contribution, these people are overdressed. We now find out that AshLee’s dad is a pastor and so is Sean’s, as a PK myself I say gag me with a spoon, no way would I end up on this show (said now only because I do not think there is a chance of me getting on it). But really, her dad must have a heart-attack every time someone brings up this show to him. AshLee once again does her screaming into the air thing, and then notes that she has never brought home someone she is truly madly in love with…guess that marriage at 17 didn’t count.

“I have been dreaming about this day since I was 4 or 5 years old” wow she must have been a prescient child to know that she wanted to go on a dating show at just 4 years old, and even before ABC ever greenlit this show. I hope she can tell me my next few days of plans I really want to know what I plan to do this weekend. Uhmm so AshLee tells her parents about rolling around in the sand with Sean. I do not even tell my parents about holding hands with girls and this girl is confessing sand rolling? [While re reading this for obvious mistakes because let's be honest I am too lazy to properly proof read a thought struck me, maybe AshLee is confessing this all now with Sean there knowing her parents will not throw a fit in public with the cameras present and it is easier to explain now versus awkwardly sitting on the couch watching the show with them. ) AshLee’s mom has a heart to heart with Sean and she looks like she could take Sean apart but he charms her with his blandness.

Sean cannot tell her father that he loves her; he goes with the “crazy about her” line. Sean asks the question I wanted to know and he shocks me by being smart enough to ask it (unless the producers wrote it for him) basically the question is a version of this “How could you sign off on your 17 year old daughter getting married?”

Catherine is up. Seattle here comes an over produced dating special.

They go to the fish market to catch fish, easy joke alert; wouldn’t it make more sense for them to catch crabs? Ugh cot damn there is a wall of gum just sitting there…I know I am foreign so maybe this is just one of those American things I just do not get. Sean attempting to speak a Tagalog word is strangely endearing which annoys me, cause I just want to mock him 24/7.

Shocking that Sean does push-ups in front of the fam with Catherine on his back. But I love the stone-faced looks of her sisters. Her sisters are relationship killers, is this cattiness or over-protectiveness, I cannot tell. I just know that if I were Catherine I would be putting pillows over their faces the minute I saw this show. Sean does not get the blessing from Catherine's mom.

Linsday is up so off we go to Missouri and we are reminded instantly that her dad is a 2 star general. Sean thinks that her home-town is most closely related to real life than anything else, I really do wonder sometimes about this boy. I am surprised that Lindsay cannot figure out why Sean would have a problem in knowing what to call her father. . .She then puts him into Army grunt clothing and has him run through a mini-obstacle course and I admire her for finally having Sean do some working out since he has already had these women, jump into freezing lakes, attempt roller derby, climb cliffs and saw wood.  Not to mention canoeing, rappel down tall building and having to pretend that they are not just on the show for face-time, what a sadist this man has been.

Lindsay's mom has a high pitched voice and I realize that I was expecting her to bark out like a drill sarge, even though I know she is not the General. Sean talking to the General is awkward, right after telling him that they have only been talking for 2 hours he asks for his blessing. The General gives a speech about his para-trooper days and it’s a roundabout way of saying…go for it – the army needs to instantly get rid of this man. I applaud his service to our nation, I applaud his standing for what needs to be done, but after seeing this show, how are the troops ever going to respect him? Give him a very nice retirement package, but he has to go NOW.

Desiree's turn and she is in LA or Hollywood depending on how you want to look at it. Obviously they are hiking Runyon Canyon, I used to live just down the street there and it was definitely the trail to hike if you want to be seen and appear to be fit but not actually work out that hard. Sean helps Des prepare dinner for her family and then a guy shows up and immediately I am thinking this is a work. And damn it we now see Sean balling up his fist, I knew it was faked in the promo where it looked like Sean was going to fight the brother. Damn it producers, well done with getting us to bite on the fake fight as part of the real fight – yup they haven’t revealed it yet but I am pretty sure this guy is faking the “I want you back Des” thing. Now let’s see we are in LA, and we have Des acting something out…hmm methinks this girl might be on the show for more than one reason. And yes, it turns out to be fake, kind of a meta look at what the whole show is about!

Should I find it weird that we are seeing the family at Des’ home not at the Parents’ home? Des’ parents are really quick to accept Sean as a future son in law, a little too quick. Des’ brother on the other hand does not seem like he is ready to even accept Sean as a boyfriend. I cannot help staring at the tats on this guy: Dare I say prison tats? His talk with Sean appears quite stilted; the brother thinks Sean might be a bit of a playboy (he would not think that if he saw how boring Sean really is). Des’ joke with the fake bf does not appear as funny when you see the talk with the brother unless you are a sarcastic viewer then it is hilarious.

Before we get to the rose ceremony moment we have to know is coming, it seems obvious to me at this point that Des is gone. From the having dinner at her place so we do not see the parents' home; to the prank on Sean who to me does not seem completely capable of processing pranks; to and pause for this one; her brother calling a guy who goes on a show that starts with dozens of women competing for him a playboy; to Sean having 'confused face' it seems clear Des has to go. If you call the guy who stars in the Bachelor a playboy, what does that make your sister who willing went on the show?

Just before we get to the decision making process of the Rose ceremony we get the Sean shirtless scene, I guess it was too much to hope a whole episode could go by without it. Before the announcements Des pulls Sean aside to apologize for her brother, could this be a game-saver? Note that both the girls who are on the chopping block are girls whose family members were not exactly supportive of their sisters.

Oooh drama, Sean puts down the rose and walks out. Back to the study to stare at pictures of the 2 girls that might be sent home, mysteriously they are both side by side on different shelves from the 2 girls that were already picked. And Sean sends Des home, presumably to beat her brother with a stick or a cricket bat (too soon?). 

I wonder if this means she will be the new Bachelorette.

Has this show just become a season long audtion for the show that I first started watching without ever even seeing a single episode of the Bachelor of Bachelorette...Bachelor Pad?

There is another episode on tonight, I hate myself but I know I will be watching it.

 
 

Bachelor recap or "keep your heart open and love will always find its way in" syke - Episode 7

Okay let us remember this forever: If a girl comes on a show ‘looking for love’ and has an open heart tattoo, she is going to be crazy. That is your instant lesson, and we are still on the, “coming up on the Bachelor” first minute of the show.

By the way this blub from Tierra's Bio is instructive

"If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
My future soul-mate! I just want to meet him already. Someone who it is just as natural and we are best friends!" (sic)
Tierra cry-face

“I am not friends with girls who like my boyfriends” Tierra even when you say something that should make sense, it sounds crazy when I see the look on your face. And…you get to stay in a hotel suite with a real bed but break out a hide-away bed? Because you do not want to share a room with your competition; hey if this is the only way you can sleep, go for it. I suspect Tierra could sleep on a bed of nails tipped with acid and not have a problem with it as long as she thinks it would advance her in the competition.

So Sean and his one-on-one date get to hang out on a luxury boat, but of course to get out there they have to swim to it. Again, to hang out with Sean you have to work out for Sean. Watching them swim just makes me miss the water back home. I love living in Cali, but no one with an ounce of sense would claim the water here is great. Every time I enter the water here I think I have reduced my chance of having kids by percentage points.

 I genuinely loathe these LeVian chocolate diamond ads. Take inferior diamonds, add fancy promotion and a sweeter name than ‘plain old brown’ diamonds then hype the price. Rinse and repeat

Tierra gets the one on one yet still makes pouty face, because there might be bugs and there might be the chance of her makeup running yet she wanted it to be a boat date…I confess I do not know much about makeup but I do know a lot about boats and water: wouldn’t the makeup run after going in the ocean?

AshLee has a big secret to tell Sean and takes six hours to get it out, but of course has to mention her adoption again first, look I know it’s a big deal but yeesh I think I have heard about it every time she has had more than 2 minutes with Sean (actual math may be wrong). Her big secret is that she got married at 17, I thought it was going to be that she killed a man with boredom.

As I am watching my NY Times app says “North Korea is suspected of Conducting 3^rd Nuclear Test” and I am ashamed to say I immediately thought “Must have been to break up this boring ass date”.

“He bought me the most incredible things that a guy can buy on the first date”, this is while Sean and Tierra are walking through a craft market. Uhmm Tierra, every guy that has ever been on vacation with a girl has bought that stuff, I have even bought it for girls I was only mildly interested in, it is the rite of passage for couples on an island vacay. I have never been to St Croix, but I have a hard time believing that this impromptu street carnival is a normal thing, methinks the Bachelor producers had a little thing going on here or the St. Croix department of Tourism realized that they might as well get bang for their advertising buck.

I love Tierra’s either delusion or method of spin, when she claims that the other girls go and do their own thing without inviting her. We should send Tierra to go negotiate with North Korea, she can clearly manipulate men merely by gazing at them and spouting nonsense. She tells Sean she thinks he has been distant and then Sean in his confessional “I didn’t feel like I was being distant, but looking back at it I guess subconsciously I was”. Tierra is a Svengali, she could kill the NK nuclear program in a one hour date with Kim Jong-un. “I thought I hated America, but Tierra told me that what I really hated was the fact that we get the Bachelor on a delay. Thanks to her I now know that bombing the West Coast would forever remove her from my life”. Go Team America.

Now Sean is performing a 4am raid on the girls - yup Sadist. I think Catherine might have a shot to win this whole show. If Sean wasn’t so goofy I would think the whole taking the girls to see the sun rise thing was cool. But it was also ruined for me when he said “we are the first 4 people in America to see the sun rise” and I kept wanting him to add “plus the camera crew, the writers (reality sure), the producers, the security and craft services, but other than them, we are the first 4”. By the way Sean makes it sound like they will not have enough time to drive all the way across the island in one day, let me rob my readers of any disillusionment, the island is only 28miles long by 7 miles. They could have run across it in a day, but hey let’s pretend that using the highway system is impossible.

What the hell, I see 3 American women on a Caribbean beach and nobody has braided hair?  I thought this was reality TV? It is the second week in a row that Catherine gets some camera shine and it is the 2^nd week in a row she tells us a story involving death or potential death: Catherine tells a story about her dad's attempted suicide and it is a heartbreaking story but I swear to you Sean’s first reaction is to smile and say “Thank you for telling me that”. It may have been a nervous smile but good grief son, figure out a better response.

 Lindsay gets the rose despite not telling a sob story like Catherine and Des (my family lived in tents) and drops this gem on us ""I am on cloud nine. The crazy girl that walked in in the wedding dress now has the hometown rose. Nobody saw that coming." Her words tell you all you need to know about her and the choice.

Tierra is really good at the' hideaway and listen in' move after we send her to North Korea; we should just have her spy on whatever enemies we may still have left. I am sure there are some Al Qaida peeps she could easily locate for us. I am drinking a tonne of Jamaican rum while watching this show I wonder if I should read this over before posting. I find it hard to stomach that the “crazy girl that walked in wearing a wedding dress” [her words] is a substitute teacher, I really hope she made up her profession, I really do; this girl cannot be shaping the minds of the impressionable young. Unless she is a substitute teacher like the person who teaches kindergarten PE is a teacher, I can live with that.

I think every girl but Lesley has said she is falling in love with Sean but the thing that gets me the most is how often they say “Uhm”. I would count it, but my head might explode.

Sean’s sister shows up, please, please, please tell me she has some personality. I never get the whole bring a family member in who has not been with you the whole time. How can they help you make a decision if they do not know the girls?

Tierra keeps taking shots at AshLee’s (seriously what the hell is that spelling?) age of 32. I wish I could fast forward to Tierra’s life at 32, I suspect that AshLee’s 32 is going to be a lot better than Tierra’s 32 especially since I think that Tierra already looks older than AshLee so good luck with that. She also tells all the girls that no one can take her Sparkle, don't worry Tierra, no one saw that movie so it is yours to keep.  

But seriously quoting your parents as the ones who have told you that you have "Sparkle" is just like quoting your parents calling you their "special girl" no one cares. And seriously chica, what is up with your eyebrows? You really cannot control them? We should study this; completely independent eyebrows might be a thing!

Tierra is crying in front of Sean and he has the look that I used to have when I was dating a young girl that I knew I should break up with but I was too coward to break up with, she would cry in front of me but because I was just waiting and hoping she would break up with me I would just casually lean back and watch her cry. I think Tierra may have overplayed the crying move, she cried past the point of meeting Sean’s sister, she cried so much that she may have finally pushed Sean to the breaking point. And yup there he goes, he is sending her home. Looks like Tierra was so pissed she didn’t even give them the second ‘clean walk away’ so they could get the camera person out of the way and edit for a smooth transition. And I now discover something I never knew I cared about, but immediately wanted to know, there are NO limos on St. Croix. Now I know I am taking a leap here, but since Sean walked Tierra out to a Minivan I have to imagine there were no limos at all on the island because if there had been even a beaten up 1954 limo the Bachelor would have found it and used it.

Guess that infinity bracelet he bought you earlier in the week means nothing now huh Tierra?

Ha, Sean walks back to his sister who is still just sitting at the picnic bench like nothing has happened. And more importantly she is not surrounded by drinks. Wow she might be just as bland as Sean, I would be at least 7 drinks in by this point, but then again I am a big ole alcoholic; after all it is a Monday night I have work in the morning and have already had 3 drinks while watching a show that only lasts 1.5 hours in DVR time.

No Cocktail party tonight, Sean gives some reason but I ignore it, because I have already made up my mind that they are not doing the party because it is too windy. These poor girls have been positioned in that horrible seating arrangement that they always force them in known as the ‘All girls on one couch’ move and the wind is just whipping their hair. Why do they always force them all into one tiny space?

Ever wonder what Chris Hanson does in the back before he has to come out to announce that there is just one rose left? I mean his job is super easy right? Could he be back there just knocking back shots or doing rails? Has he ever been late for his cue? Does a producer some time have to come running into the back to look for him “Chris we need your one line”?

Sean sends home the girl with the best body but the worst face (which by the way at this stage does not mean ugly) by comparison. I have to wonder, why is Catherine more broken up by Leslie’s departure than she is? 'Letsbehonest' seems weird.

The preview for next week has Sean looking like he is squared up for a fight, I have such a hard time believing it that I have to think it is just a swerve…good job promo department.

Last lingering thought, I kind of wanted to see Tierra's hometown date because I wanted to see what produced her.