Juan Pablo Episode 2 recap - Adopt a pet!

Fresh off the bat I get to relive how much I love DVR – without it I would have to sit through the 2 minute filler known as “coming up on the Bachelor” why? Why do I need a primer for the show I am already watching? The only problem is that I am watching this on standard definition because I have so many programs recording at the same time that I only have the SD option available since HD is occupied on THREE other channels…yup I watch that much TV that I have 4 recordings going at once while watching previously recorded TV on my fifth channel…I need help – plus I watch the Bachelor so I definitely need help. 

The girl for the one on one date is amazed that there is a fake snow date in LA in winter. We cut to the other girls talking in the hot tub and Lucy is topless (did you know she is supposedly dating the creator of snapchat?).

Juan P (JP) and Clair are now in a hot tub and she tells him the requisite sob story [boring date] she gets the rose. And we get the standard music suddenly playing and the couple having to go see it and it turns out a ‘star’ is playing a private concert for them (I do not know who the singer is, they said his name and I still do not know). Just once I would love to randomly see a rapper as the song guest, I know it is not romantic, but it would be much funnier. 

Kat is up next for a 1 on 1 date - she compares her first dance with someone like “your first kiss with someone” I must be dancing wrong…They board a private jet and Kat does that dumb confessional where the girl acts like this would be their life forever if they got together. Juan P and Kat put on neon glowing clothes and they end up at the Utah SLC leg of the Electric Run, I keep thinking, what if this poor girl cannot run? It looks like a good time and a fun date but still there is not much ‘tv fun’ to it. 

 

So we cut back to the girls getting date cards. Kat and JP go on the main stage for the Electric run, I cannot judge their dancing because let’s be honest, its EDM it is a lot of jumping wiggling and flashing lights. 

13 girls go on the group date:

Lucy flashes the camera when she explains that she will not be able to get his attention in her usual way. A few of these girls are teachers (or educators as they are listed – hmm?) this would worry me if any of them taught my imaginary children. The group date is a photo shoot for ‘Models n Mutts’ I absolutely need a screen shot of the moronic creative director that has a blue beard.

2 of the girls are given card board signs to use as their outfits one is the first grade teacher and the other the Assistant District Attorney…if she goes through with this I will be embarrassed for our whole profession – and we cut to commercial (they run that idiotic Silk Almond milk ad where they pretend it tastes better than regular milk). 

Andi the ADA is freaking out about the sign as an outfit, the first grade teacher smartly goes and switches outfits with Lucy, who we then see walking her dog outside completely nude…Andi watches the other girls pose with JP in outfits. JP walks up to her and tells her the photo shoot will be okay because he is going to be dressed like her, “we will both be naked”. This is breaking down her walls? Look woman, let me explain something to you, JP is a reality ‘star’ you are allegedly an ADA in Chicago – we are members of a conservative profession, if you lose your job over this, I am not going to shed a single tear. This is completely a choice on your part, no one forced you to do this move.

Renee one of the girls gets a bit of one and one time on the group date and is really embarrassingly fishing for a kiss. Victoria gets sloppy on the date and says my favorite drunk girl phrase “HEY GIRL HEY” she tells us what life is about “straddling people and things” no seriously she said this. Victoria gets in the hot tub alone – I love this girl “whose leg do I have to hump around her to get some one on one time?” Renee goes to check up on Victoria who has locked herself in the bathroom and actually crawls under the bathroom door to get to her. I never understand why these girls fight so hard to help their competition. Victoria is arguing with a producer or a PA that she wants to go home they will not immediately acquiesce to her demands so she runs back to the bathroom. And again sits on the bare floor…of a PUBLIC BATHROOM. Lucy interrupts another girl’s date to tell JP to check up on Victoria so he goes to the restroom. Victoria refuses to talk to him. He patiently waits a lot longer than I would – Remember there are 13 other girls on this date, no way do I wait for the ‘crazy one’. 

Kelly the ‘Dog Lover’ (yup that is her listed profession) gets the group date rose. I know it might be because of the title but I keep thinking she looks a little bit like a Pomeranian. The girls are all amazed at how ‘well JP handles the situation’ with Victoria, they are so easily impressed – really girls the guy dating all of you with a tonne of options handles a non-entity issue with grace? Of course he does, it is no sweat off his back. 

JP goes to talk to Victoria the next morning, he cuts her loose but does it gently. 

The rose ceremony approaches, Amy the reporter goes into reporter mode including ‘reporter voice’ and conducts a fake interview, she keeps it going so long I begin to think it is a defense mechanism. So strange to see all these people talk about their kids and yet leave them for extended periods, I am not a parent, not going to try to put myself in their place. I just feel like I could not ever leave my kid this long unless it was to provide a better future, like via a job and of course I think these girls treat this show like a job. Yeah yeah blah blah, chance for TRUE love. 

The rose ceremony happens, and the ‘local news reporter’ gets cut and the shocker, the black girl – E and I were convinced the producers would keep her around for a couple weeks just to fight the Bachelor stereotype. Well Chantel lives in my city, might have to look her up. I think the reporter got cut because that whole interview thing was just too weird. 

gifs from http://www.buzzfeed.com/toddb17/the-bachelor-gif-recap-week-2-too-much-to-drink-dhd4

Juan Pablo's Bachelor first episode

Off the bat Juan Pablo reminds us that he is the first Latino Bachelor. I had already noted to E that the Bachelor franchise loves having Juan P since they can immediately go “Us racists? No way we have a minority” even if that minority looks very close to white and thus palatable to America…

Sean shows up to give Juan P advice, Juan P notes that Sean and his girl are still together and that Des and her guy are still together this is probably only 2 months after Des and her guy got together…they better be still together. Sean and Juan P have no chemistry together.

E exclaims YES…why? Because they showed the scene she predicted ages ago – Juan P soaping up in the shower.

We get some background on the girls, and we get a really fake courtroom scene, in fact the plaintiff and his attorney keep switching sides and there is no bailiff or court reporter etc…but wow the assistant DA looks great – she can get it? ;)

What is with all these old looking 25 year olds? The girls older than the 25 year olds looks years younger than them.

E already hates the girl that has the DVD that her dead father left for her and her husband to watch – she is prejudging that the girl will show it to all of us on national telly; I worry that she is right

Limo time:

E is slowly switching sides and falling for the girls; after seeing one “she is cuteeeeeeyyyy”.

'Police support specialist'? What on earth is that, I have to look that up. The nurse breaks out a stethoscope for Juan P to see how much her heart is racing we get to hear fake heart beats and Juan P gets to touch boob (in the name of science).

THE BLACK GIRL IS FROM SAN DIEGO??? There are no black people here!

One of the girls job description is ‘Free Spirit’ I want her to fall in a river.

The girl from ATX comes up on a Piano bicycle never seen one of those before she plays it as she pedals - interesting, she also messes up but as a piano player myself, I understand – nervousness will wreck your playing.

The massage therapist comes out and she has  CRAZY eyes.

Another girls title is ‘Dog lover’ if I saw that I would boot her immediately.

The limo guy gives Juan P a look before he opens the door for a girl and I tell E she is going to be crazy or gorgeous…it is the gorgeous ADA this girl is ravishing.

Juan P breaks out a speaker for music and there is a photo booth, nice way to see who isn’t fun and photogenic.

The Free Spirit is exactly what you would expect a free spirit to be…crazy.

The massage therapist breaks out a massage table and starts a creepy massage and conversation.

The first impression rose is now on the table and all the girls start freaking out.

Juan P keeps forgetting the names of all the girls.

One of the girls keeps talking about how positive she is and how much she wants time with Juan P instead of actually going to go talk to Juan P. She starts first night crying, and actually pulls a girl aside to talk to her instead of Juan P! Juan P mysteriously shows up to talk to her, which makes me think that the producers sent him in. She brings up to him that she was just engaged just a few months ago…for me that is a lot of red flags. She keeps pushing that she wanted to be a step mom. Awwwwkward

E dislikes the opera singer just because she has personal memories, I love watching this with her. The opera singer gets the first impression rose. But while Juan P leaves to get the rose she looks very nervous almost as if she thinks she could be cut or that she should cut out. When the rose is offered to her she hesitates and appears as if she was thinking of rejecting it.

It has been a bit of a boring first episode.

And, we have an awkward moment, the wrong girl walks forward (and they stop they music as E points out) the poor girl even asks him if he can take her too.

The free spirit gets a rose and it feels like a producer’s choice! She does a twirl after receiving her rose.

Its final rose time and the girl that initially walked forward on the wrong turn whispers “I am gonna throw up” and she does not get the rose…stares daggers

The exit interviews were just so so, suitable amount of crying, just not enough time for them to get emotionally invested to give the really crazy goodbyes.

 

Sean and Juan P have a funny exchange to end the show where Juan P teaches Sean how to salsa and they both end up shirtless

R.I.P. Nelson Mandela

He was an amazing man, a man that shaped alot of my youth (I was very angry at the white man's treatment of blacks) and calmed me down and showed me that ill treatment does not have to be met with abuse. My parents taught me to idolize him and I thank them for it. So often we find out that our idols have feet of clay but Mr. Mandela never seemed to be of that nature.

I remember vividly walking around my house singing "Free them President Botha" the song that as a kid I was taught as part of the 'struggle against apartheid'. Quick history Botha was the head of South Africa in the 80s and his government kept up a brutal crack down on Mandela, his ANC brethren and blacks in general. It has always bothered me that Botha was able to live out his life without ever going to prison - I really believe he should have died in prison, just as many of us feared Mandela would. To my knowledge Botha never apologized for apartheid, I find that hard to stomach but if Mandela could forgive him...maybe I should.

I guess if I really wanted to examine it I could find feet of clay with Mr. Mandela since there were 3 marriages and allegations of infidelity in his first but I cannot, will not dig deeper. I remember the shock I felt when I heard that he and Winnie were divorcing - I could not even process it. I have always just 'left it alone'. In our home it was not even talked about, we did not assign blame to either party we just treated it as "a thing that happened and cannot be explained". I know it briefly rocked my faith in marriage because those two who were so often held up as the ideal of staying together through thick or thin could not stick together. But then, as he often did, Mandela gave me more reasons to hope, I never heard him say anything bad about his ex-wife (maybe he did but again remember I was A. young and B. not ever trying to look deeply) and it made me realize that people could split apart and not hate each other.
[Seems like more and more nowadays Winnie herself may not be as good as we all first thought but hey this is about the great man]

Nelson Mandela always struck me as a man of poise, graciousness and strength of character, I sadly do not think enough of today's youths know who he is and honor and respect him enough. Hopefully his death, like much of his early life will renew in young black youth a sense of purpose a sense of internal pride and maybe just maybe a moment of deep reflection.

Good bye sir.

Ben Affleck is the new Batman

My twitter brother from another mother  @swalloween generated this meme

"I'm trying to give Halle Berry a baby and nobody can stop me" Drake, on the Versace remix. Poor Migos they did the original Versace track and few give them any credit it is all about the "Drake verse"

I also love that Halle is still getting music shout outs that woman is glorious!

Bachelorette finale or How I lost hours of my life to crappy poetry

We start with a live LA studio audience…otherwise known as ABC’s attempt to stretch this show out longer and longer. Long overdrawn shots of Des looking out over a harbor with her telling us how broken she is over the Brooks departure and a lot of snot. Chris Harrison plays show therapist (D’s words) and to be fair he does not do a great job as a therapist, he just drops his voice and lets her cry then nudges her back to the 2 guys that are still left.

Listening to Des with Chris Harrison you can be pretty certain that Drew has no chance (Chris has very little hope for a long term love also since Des says she wants to go home) because Des basically describes him like you would about a runt of a litter.

Chris and Drew show up to see Des and Chris Harrison points out to them the obvious…Brooks is not here. Des then leads with “you might notice that Brooks is not here” the use of the obvious is rife on this show. Des proceeds to break down infront of the guys while talking about Brooks leaving…how can these guys see this and still propose? Des gives both the option to not accept their roses, D thinks the guys should just peace out now.

Chris says it is hard to see her cry, (D yells “Brainwashed”) poor guy does not realize that Des is crying for another man. It is late at night so I am using that as an excuse for skipping the live crowd segments, but the truth is, I probably would not watch any of it anyway. I am already shocked enough that people read my blog recaps, I do not think you want to read my recap of other peoples recaps. I tried to stomach one of the in-crowd segments but once I heard the phrase “team Chris” I was already tuning out – we have over used the “team-X” phraseology.

Drew and Des take horses down to the water and Des says she has “a lot riding on today” analogy much? Des in her confessionals is basically saying “over it”. Drew makes a toast to “being madly in love” uh oh! She cries her way through telling Drew that she is dumping him…while holding his hand. My words with friends app freezes while this is happening and it is still more dramatic than this breakup. Drew is so calm during this breakup that I cannot help but think he secretly wanted it. Drew walks away from their beach picnic and appears to walk for awhile to the minivan waiting for him…did the minivan just wait there the whole time? Normally someone does not leave the date so why was it there? How did Drew know where to walk? How many times did they have to direct him to the spot? Or most realistic of all, how long did they have to scramble to find a minivan and delay Drew so that they could have the clichéd drive away…

Chris gets to go on another boat with Des. Des sounds like she is trying to talk herself into Chris, they are so boring together that they have made what looks like a good date look blah – though much of this might have to do with the over exposition that occurs with Des’ confessionals. I think Aaron Sorkin may have written this episode of the Bachelorette (yeah yeah I know ‘Reality’).

It is an hour in and no poems from Chris, I think something is up! Chris brings up meeting Des’ parents she says that is okay but the pause, oh it was pregnant. Chris gives Des a journal and she reacts like she has found buried treasure, I react with revulsion because I know, I just know poems are going to be in it…and I am right! I should have gone to bed instead of watching this. I am pretty sure that Des whispers “I want you to stay the night” or something similar, but I am so over this I am not rewinding to confirm.

We come back from a commercial and Des is again leaning on the railing overlooking the bay, I bet there is a worn out spot on that rail. Des introduces Chris to her family, I perk up a bit because the bro is there. Des’ bro asks Chris rational questions like is he concerned that she might have a stronger connection with other people…is he psychic or did the producers feed him knowledge? Des claims to be worried about what her brother would/will ask Chris, if that were legit, he would not be there.

We get the pull aside, Chris and Des’ dad sit uncomfortably close together on a patio, have to frame those shots. Chris asks Des’ dad for his permission, quickly given. The family interrogation of Chris is quickly over and I am ticked…not enough questions from the bro, I think they sedated him.

Des and her bro have a ‘heart to heart’ he approves of Chris, I am disappointed. The bro brings up Brooks and Des responds like she is giving a TV interview, I much prefer the bro to Brooks, oh if only we had, had the brother as the Bachelor and Des as the background fluff.

We get our seasonal appearance by Neil Lane, I know he can make some good stuff but jeez he creeps me out when he tries to fake sincerity. Chris picks a rock that is so huge I think he is having a hard time picking it up. Chris keeps talking as if he thinks Drew is still there…was Des told to not let him know he was the only one? Were the guys always sequestered from each other…how does he not miss seeing him around the hotel? Eh too many questions this blog.

Chris walks up to meet Des on the ‘fake’ proposal spot. I notice that Des’ earrings seem to match the ring Chris picked out, these are the things you notice when bored. Chris is about to propose but Des stops him, she has to unburden herself about Brooks first…again are you sure you want to propose here man? Chris listens to her cry for another man and still takes the knee (with the fake turn the ring directly to the camera which is either added later or earlier to the footage). Des promises to call him everyday…I am good without that promise (then again I am single). It is a bit funny that the guy that faked a proposal in the first episode is the guy dropping to his knee for a ‘real’ proposal at the end of the season.

There is the after the final rose special…can I make it through?

Brooks shows up, claims to be nervous. Des asks what happened: and we get a quick reminder of how boring Brooks is. Brooks is told that Des and Chris are engaged and he has more the look of a man who dodged a bullet and less the look of a shocked man.

Drew is next on stage and the snore fest continues. Drew says no regrets and claims he is no longer in love with Des. "Were you ever really bro?"

Chris is brought out next and does not seem to be bothered by the fact that his girl was more in love with Brooks than she was with him. Des is moving to Seattle she sounds ‘enthusiastic’. And of course Chris breaks out another poem, this time framed with all the roses from the rose ceremonies. Look dude we all know you got the girl and she likes cheesy poetry but was it not enough you tortured us throughout the season…must you do this to us again?

Juan Pablo is announced as the new Bachelor…ladies are probably going to love this season

Bachelorette recap - Antigua forget the Barbuda and forget the happily ever after!

[Editors note "Wow I am really far behind on posting this and the finale" I write them the night of but usually delay posting and I just forgot, so here is a bonus 2 posts in one hour type of thing]

This week we go to Antigua but first we are given a 'previously on the Bachelorette' that lasts 10 minutes and 53 seconds, thank god for DVR or I would have shot myself and the 2 persons watching it with me. And they would have accepted the sweet release.
 

Drew is first

So of course walking around they find a mini street carnival cause seriously the Eastern Caribbean just parties all the damn time. They sit down for a picnic and Drew shows us that he cannot peel a pineapple.
 

It is raining which ruins the dinner with the bonfire that Des claims she planned for them – can we stop pretending that the Bachelorette or Bachelor actually set these dates up. So we get to see them kissing under an umbrella beside a fire that is rapidly going out, then walking to the fantasy suite that was just STEPS AWAY. So yup fake make out session. Drew is offered the fantasy suite card despite the fact that they are already in the fantasy suite (because of rain). D and E are still convinced he is gay, he does not do a tonne to dispel that when he uses long speeches that seem forced.
 

Drew does a move I can respect he takes a bit of control and turns to the camera peeps and says “okay guys time to go…” the camera pans out and we here Des say “it’s hot in here” which I am assuming is code for “take your clothes off”.
 

Brookes is sort of up next…

I say sort of because we find Brookes going back home to talk to his family about Des. Brooks is admitting that he is not sure about his love for Des. He tells his mom and sister that the physicality is there…awkward.
 

Chris is actually up next
E points out that he is rocking the V-neck. We knew there had to be one in this episode. D thinks Des is not going to age well “She already has old woman face”. They take a helicopter over to Barbuda which is treated like it is subordinate to Antigua (which Des cannot pronounce properly by the way) I guess no one told the Bachelorette producers that they are a TWIN island Republic. There is some rolling around in the sand and kissing. They both claim to be feeling each other and this date is still boring.
 

We are all sitting here anticipating if Chris is going to break out a poem. Everything he does we think means poem moment. He says “here is the thing” and we expected a poem instead he tells her about Seattle, he touches the pockets of his pants and we exclaim “he is reaching for a poem.”. By the way they set up their mics right beside every bug in the island there is constant chirping throughout the meal. Des really says like a lot, like a whole lot, like she can turn a whole sentence into a like fest.
 

Chris is offered the fantasy suite and claims he wants it just to spend time with her and gaze at the stars. And you guessed it, I know you guessed it…he has a poem. It is as terrible as we knew it would be so we spend the time making jokes about how awesome it would be if Des’ brother just popped up out of nowhere.
 

Brooks is I guess up next…

He appears in a V-neck, there is a knocking at his villa door and it is Chris Harrison. Chris appears to be faking concern as Brooks tries to hype the drama. I am guessing Chris’ inner monologue is “don’t yawn, don’t yawn, nod your head”. Chris finally cuts to the chase “are you not sure, or are you not in love with this woman?” I am thinking no guy turns down the fantasy suite when they have come this far…but then I raise the point that maybe Brooks already had sex with her. D raises another point maybe Des had sex only with Brooks “which is why he is over it and the other guys are still so sprung”.
 

Brooks’ hesitation with falling in love is actually the rational response after only 2 months but this is not great for the show or its premise. Chris Harrison really looks pissed that he has to work more than 2 minutes in this episode. He tells Brooks that he has to be the one to tell Des and I just know it is because he doesn’t want to have to exert the effort.
 

The producers are setting Des up sooooo hard; her pre date interview is all about how much she loves Brooks and would immediately accept his proposal and how great their date is going to be…uh oh. Brooks takes her to sit down and Des starts to get “oh no” face, her brain is starting to process it before the words escape Brooks’ lips. He takes forever to get to the point. He tells Des “please don’t cry” from my experience those are words that never work.
 

Des curls into a protective ball when she realizes what is happening. Des tells Brooks that she loves him and he then says “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?” Is he hinting that if she had said it first he would have said it too? There really is a tonne of cheesy music this episode. Brooks looks bored and tired with pretending to care, he is holding the side of his head in his hands but it looks like the boredom pose not the ‘I am so stressed’ pose.
 

So a tonne of this is boring and drawn out so let me comment again here JAMAICA WE NEED TO GET the Bachelor/Bachelorette. The damn show makes every location look amazing we need the tourist dollars and we are so much better than all these other locations. Antigua and Barbuda is a backwater destination compared to us…let’s get on this. D brought up a point earlier that it would suck to be the guy picked and then see Des go on all the dates and all the kissing she did earlier in the season.
 

Then his point is immediately validated by Des claiming she only wanted to be with Brooks even when she went on other dates blah blah. So if she ends up picking Drew or Chris they are going to have to sit there and realize she NEVER EVEEEER wanted to be with them. Brooks and Des finally break apart and we get a shot of Des sitting on the pier bawling…again have fun with that whomever guy gets picked. E points out “At least he gets to leave in a limo.”
 

Des in her confessional basically admits to what I just typed above – she does not love the remaining 2 guys as much as they love her.

So quick recap,
Brooks dumps Des
2 guys are left that she does not love
The show squeezed 2-3 more hours out of this
Des continues her streak of having me stare at the screen and think "What the hell are you wearing?"
 

Bachelorette the Men tell all or Hey how about a recap of the season that you probably slept through

Tonight it is the men tell all episode.

They copy the last season move of having the Bachelor/bachelorette sneak up on a group watching the show. The problem is both Sean and Des lack the charisma to carry a fun appearance. This time they take it on the road and go to New York and along with Des other past Bachelors and Bachelorettes. I know this is cynical of me but I suspect that it is because Des lacks personality and they knew they would need buffers.
 

We also have a taped segment with Des getting advice from former Bachelorettes on how to handle the ‘Men Tell All’ episodes. Apparently Des cannot think for herself on anything. I didn’t bother to pay attention to this part.
 

The men are introduced and as always there are people I forgot about. They show Will the ‘black guy’ and D immediately yells “token black guy” I hate that I agree. We get a quick recap of the first night and see the creepiness of Jonathan with his ‘Fantasy suite’ push, and Kasey the ‘hash tag guy’, Brian the guy with the secret girlfriend. Maybe this is what I should do next season, just skip the whole show and just watch the men tell all and get the full recap via this forum.
 

They discuss Brian, (who declined the invitation to show up) and of course the guys pile on because what else do you expect them to say? “Hey he should do the show while keeping a lady back home.”
 

We move on to Ben – He gets the ‘hot seat’ treatment: Chris starts him off slow with a video recap and we get to hear Ben again talk about not wanting to wait to date new girls [once he is booted]. Benis asked why there was a divide between himself and the other men, he claims it is because he aggressively pursued Des. Ben does the ‘pretend that no one saw you on the show move’ as a fan of denial myself I can respect it.

Ben is accused of faking the bond with his son and of cheating on his girl. Ben claims to be a very good father but is not vociferous in his denials. I have no idea if Ben is a good or bad father, but I do know that my dad would be yelling a lot more viciously at anyone who questioned his worth as a father…then again my dad would never be on this show so scratch that.
 

James takes the next spot on the hot seat and we see his recap. He is asked exactly what he said to cause the guys to accuse him of trying to be the next Bachelor. The women in the crowd are listening to him but shaking their heads…I remain amused but too lazy to type the entire recap. James and Mikey T. both bring up good points but the audience and the other guys are not prepared to handle the truth. Mikey T stands up to confront Kasey, this is so far Kasey’s night he has taken over much of the conversations and much of the interviewing. Juan Pablo takes a sneaky shot at James and says he would not want his daughter or sister to date him.

The spray tan is strong on a tonne of these guys.
 

Juan Pablo is up next and the women in the audience go gaga. Unlike Ben when they bring up Juan Pablo’s child we see clips of him interacting with his daughter. If you just saw the clips of Juan Pablo interacting with Des you would have assumed that he won the show. Apparently his daughter has picked up Des’ accent and I feel so so so so so sorry for the daughter.
 

Zak is next, his recap gets to show us how much more personality he had than the other guys. Zak brings up the fact that he spends half of his year on the oil rig - that has to be murder on a sexual relationship. They finally read the poem that Zak wrote to Emily and it is immediately better than any of the poems Chris has written.
 

Des is back in a very sparkly dress. D and I disagree vehemently about her body, I think it is stunning he hates it. Des goes after Ben but she does not hammer him like the girls who gave her ‘advice’ wanted her to. Des thinks she was manipulated by James, I do not think that would be too hard…Des attempts again to say Juan Pablo’s name and fails miserably, this seems like a failure of the American school system. Our boy Zak is analyzed by Des and she appears to have cut him because he smiled too much, yeah I do not get it either. Zak then sings a song to Des, I await the news that he now has a country music deal, I really thought that earlier in the season he said he only knew how to play/perform one song. Women in the audience are wiping tears from their eyes at the end of the song.
 

There is a quick blooper reel, I chuckle a bit. And then Chris Harrison promos the upcoming episodes, I am only watching the promo because D wants to see it, otherwise I do not trust a word from Chris Harrison since he leads with “this is the most dramatic…” blah blah blah come on Chris we know! The promo leaves many of the women in the audience with their mouths agape. It leaves me thinking, “great job by the editing team.” While the credits run they have some audience interviews and the women interviewed are really passionate about Des’ love life.

I hate myself

Bachelorette recap and the Zak Attack is no more

We start in Dallas, Texas with Zak. The camera shows him sketching but as yet we do not know what it is…for now just a circle (guess it makes sense to practice those). I really want Zak to win but it does not seem like Des hangs on his words the way she does for Brooks’ words. Zak takes her on his family’s snow cone truck and they serve a tonne of kids snow cones while Zak dresses up in a penguin outfit.

They go to meet Zak’s family and there is a tonne of joyous hugging that just seems built for the camera, only sociopaths are this joyous to wrap someone in their arms that they have just met. Zak’s mom pulls Des aside to talk to her and I love her Texas accent – I miss hearing that daily. Zak’s mom tells Des to look for that spark to know if there is love. Might not be the best thing to tell the girl that is in a competitive dating show, I fear foreshadowing.

Zak’s sis does a good job of playing him up, good cheerleader there. Zak and his mom sit side by side and I really think we need to see Zak’s birth certificate, he and his mom look a little too close in age. Zak’s family sings the song that he ‘claims he wrote for Des’ though I suspect he wrote that song prior and it just worked out that he was on the talent show. D thinks Zak’s sis is going for a record deal. He also thinks that Zak should not tell Des that he loves her “Never say it first” such a cynic this kid is...If you cannot find love on a dating show with multiple cameras following you where can you find it? By the way Zak gave Des a ring...yup a ring.

Drew is up next in Arizona and D again yells “gay” the minute Drew comes on screen. Drew as if hearing D immediately plants kisses on Des, it seems forced and I will give D this…Drew has an effeminate laugh and I think that is what is casting suspicion (which of course means nothing, I am just trying to find reasons). We also find out that this will be the first time Drew’s dad will be entering his Mom’s house – Awkward.

Drew takes Des to meet his disabled sister and this feels exploitative. D notices that Des was “not expecting this”. The parents do the pull them aside to talk to them routine, Drew’s dad calls his daughter an angel no one will argue that. Drew and his mom hold hands when they talk…not sure my feelings on that I just know it is different! Drew tells his dad he wants to marry Des and the dad says “Bring this girl back into our family” good pep talk and all but something just does not seem right. Things all seem too perfect. Drew takes Des aside and tells her he loves her and keeps repeating it, almost as if he is trying to convince himself.

Chris is next in Oregon and like every stereotype of Oregon we have to see Chris on a trail and he is picking wild flowers for Des. D and I turn to each other at the same time and utter “If this dude reads another poem/no more bloody poems”. Chris takes Des to the baseball field and why not a few forced baseball puns “That was a catch, no you are a catch”. We do not get a poem, we get sketches from Des - Chris says this is “something that only her and I have” one problem Chris she STOLE THIS FROM ZAK!

Des meets Chris’ family and like Zak’s they look like they had their make up done for camera. Chris’ dad offers to give Des a lumbar adjustment and does it immediately, nothing weird about that. Chris and his dad have a talk and the dad asks if Des is eating right…yeah I don’t know either. And I am not touching the whole nose adjustment thing Chris was getting while his dad was talking to him. Chris is nervous that Des and his mom are talking for a long time - he should not be. His mom brings up a great point to him “you guys are not in the real world, what is going to happen when you jump back into the real world?”

Brooks is up next in Salt Lake City and he claims that it feels like a year since he saw Des, basically intimates that he had forgotten about her. Des and Brooks have a picnic it was boring, she breaks out a list of all the ‘amazing moments’ they had. Cue in Penny from ‘Happy Endings’. 

  They enter a canoe and I hope they fall in, sadly all they do is take on water because Brooks tries to stand in a canoe…I do not trust his pretense of this being a regular thing. They cut to the commercial and drop a beautiful gem on me…there is a San Diego casting call, I plan to force D to go. July 26^th the day that could be the best moment of my life.

We meet Brooks’ family and get the usual overwhelming hugathon. I have seen a lot of pastel shirts on this show tonight. I am starting to think all these meals are catered, everyone’s family meal has looked amazing can there really be this many good cooks?

Des and the mom talk, blah blah. Brooks’ brothers grill him blah blah. He and Des are so bland. Brooks is talking to a young lady and I do not know if it is a sister or a sister in law but she tells him that in a marriage you should miss when the other person is not there…hmm see above. I think D and I are having show fatigue we have barely paid attention during the Brooks hometown, we have however spent a decent amount of time talking about getting him on the Bachelor.

Des’ brother shows up, the moment we have all been waiting for. Des’ brother mentions that Des did not talk to him for a couple months after he “screwed it up” for her on the Bachelor. Damn it Des’ brother is calm, biggest let down of the season other than realizing that Des was the Bachelorette.

Chris Harrison does his lord of the manor thing and questions Des, he really really really tries to help Des down a path by pointing out again that Brooks is the only one that has not told her he loves her, Des just pushes past that.

Des is doing her confessional speech and says that nothing can get in the way and the video shows the guys walking in with Chris Harrison and her brother creepily peering from behind a wall. Oh Bachelorette editors sometimes you are the best.

Brooks gets the first rose, then Chris and now it is down to best Buds Zak and Drew…and the homie Zak has to go home. Part of why I have been able to stomach this season is because Zak was quirky. Des is so bland that it was fun watching Zak be goofy around her. What we have left is 3 cookie cutter corny chaps and a weak personality Bachelorette  - it cuts down on the value of the show, and apparently the ratings reflect it.

Zak is confused in the limo, keep your head up man, you now have a good 4-5 year run meeting random strange in bars as the featured attraction in “Meet Zak from the Bachelorette” bar flyers.

The Bachelorette makes a federal case

We invade Madeira which is owned by Portugal even though it is closer to African countries…just saying.
 

Des claims to be bringing out 3 of her girlfriends to give her advice and shockingly its 3 girls from her season of the Bachelor (Jackie, Lesley M aka the one I wanted as the Bachelorette and Catherine), I get the feeling Des no longer has ‘regular friends’. Sean’s fiancé was instructed to “give Des good advice”…vague much?
 

The ladies begin scoping the guys out with binocs and yup it is as creepy as they said it was. Des claims the girls have confirmed for her she made the right decision…how did they do that Des? They didn’t meet the other guys prior nor were they able to talk to these guys to confirm any of your judgments.

Brooks and Des literally have a date in the clouds, they are on a mountain in Madeira and the clouds wrap around them and they make a lot of cloud 9 references. Earlier as they were driving up the mountain I mentioned that it looked a lot like Jamaica, D hit me with a great joke “Except those are actual clouds and not clouds from weed smoke” – I hate him so much right now...for beating me to the joke. The more I see how beautiful Madeira is, the more I want some African country to just go in and claim it.
 

Brooks admits that he is not as in love with Des as she is with him…but he is ‘smart’ enough to do it in a confessional and not to her. Fireworks go off in the night sky and Des makes this statement “when I kiss Brooks fireworks go off” she then does the sound effects and pantomimes the fireworks…I want her to get hit by one.

Oh and let’s see if she kisses all 5 guys tonight. I say she does, D says No!
 

Chris is up next, he and Des take a yacht to a private island and share a picnic, then he breaks out a bottle and Des immediately knows that it is “message in a bottle” time. Suspicious. Des and Chris write awful poetry together to place in the bottle so that someone else might find it, read it and throw up. By the way people, messages in a bottle are just LITTERING! They go and throw the bottle into the ocean and we learn that not only does Chris write bad poetry he cannot throw.
 

At their dinner Chris is planning to tell Des that he is falling in love with her and of course he has to read it to her via a poem…Des says she didn’t expect him to tell her in this way – Has she not been hanging out with him? All he ever does is spout bad poetry.
 

Michael the federal prosecutor is up next – is he still a Fed prosecutor at this point? Seems like he has a lot of free time. Michael says that if you had a scavenger hunt for the woman with 47 great points Des has 48, I may not have that verbatim cause I was struggling to keep my dinner down while he spoke. Michael reveals personal stuff to Des, dad not home, he is a great prosecutor (okay I know he did not say it blatantly but wow did he hint it) and type 1 Diabetes, that admission shocks D out of his stupor.
 

We continue the streak of singers performing on the show that I do not know…granted this is a Madeiran singer but hey it counts. By the way, Des is 3 for 3 kissing guys.
 

The 2 on 1 date is next which might make it less likely for a 5 for 5 kissing streak. The 3 head off to a go-kart track. It is Drew vs my favorite Zak, I think I may have won over D and E to my side and they are now rooting for Zak. Zak and Drew are racing each other and Zak takes the early lead in the race and it is interspersed with interviews with the guys; both guys make references to "love is like a race" or some such nonsense and it is clear that they were led there by the producers no way do they both independently carry this level of corniness.
 

Zak has a sketch book that just mysteriously appears in his lap. I swear that when they walked off for private time they had wine glasses only. Anyway Zak does the thing and allows me to yell out 4 for 4! D lacked faith but I assured him that it was a guarantee Des would kiss all 5 tonight…Drew has the personality of a wet blanket but I have faith in him even he can seal the deal.
 

D is still convinced that Drew is gay; I think he is just awkward around Des not repulsed by her. Drew brings up his sister to Des, she is severely mentally impaired (the sister not Des) and I am saddened that it feels like a ploy for sympathy and the kiss and THERE IS THE KISS FIVE FOR FIVE! YES YES YES. Back to the sister thing, I am not sure how to feel I admire him for taking care of his sister (though at the same time that is what you should do) and I admire him for being okay enough to talk about her BUT, at the same time it felt like a ploy.
 

Drew secures the rose that really should have gone to our boy Zak, but Zak didn’t play the family tragedy card.
 

So we go to the cocktail party and the inevitable interview with Chris Harrison (free trip to Madeira).

I pretty much zoned out on all of her convo with Chris Harrison, I was busy renewing my fantasy football leagues (yes I do manly stuff). I think Des admits to being in love with Brooks. Brooks gets the first rose (shocking I know), then Chris then…our boy Zak makes it. Thankfully, we get to see Zak take Des to Texas – this I cannot wait for.

 Michael gets to talk it out with Des and says something thoroughly stupid “It is going to be hard to date...because no girl is going to match up to you”. Come on man, you do know women watch this show right? Way to let the next girl you hook up with know upfront that she is not good enough.
 

Michael calls his mom from the car while crying and I start to see more of this guy’s psyche than I ever wanted to see. The mom said “here we go again” never a good sign when that phrase is used about your love life. Just saying…
 

The previews reveal the thing we have been waiting all season for, in fact it might be the reason why Des was picked as the Bachelorette – the arrival of Des’ brother. And yup he looks as stalkerish as ever.

Bachelorette July 1st, oh Barcelona Bull Fights are not the worst thing to happen to you

Tonight we invade Barcelona. Drew has the first one on one and both E. Money and D immediately proclaim him “SOoooooo gay” crazy to see how quickly and immediately they both said the same thing. E, was surprised his umbrella was not a rainbow. Drew breaks out his sob story and tells us his dad is a recovering alcoholic and big in AA I yell “way to make it anonymous”

They walk past some street musicians who just happen to be posted up in their alley way but mysteriously do not have a hat or bucket or anything to get money they are clearly just playing for the love…or for the show.

Des and Drew are sitting down at the table then Drew grabs her hand and takes her running off down an alley for a ‘private’ make out session. To really sell the ‘realism’ the Bachelorette adds in some post production sounds of frantic running and even show us one of the many camera men to make it seem more real but he only makes it about 200 feet before he starts making out in “private”. Once he gets the safety of the Rose he then dimes out James and his alleged plans to be the next Bachelor.

For the group date they go to play football…remember there is a professional footballer on the show. They end up playing a professional team, a women’s professional team. Kasey expresses shock that they are going to play a team, you know despite the fact that they always play a team when in any competition. The women’s team smokes them with James in the goal who absolutely should be castrated for his effort.

They all go to the dinner portion of the date and Des starts reading some poetry to Chris because you know Poets and stuff. Her poetry is terrible, absolute junk and of course Chris has to look like he loves it. I have no idea if he does or not but no way does he tell her the truth if he thinks it sucks.

Kasey et al pull James to the side to accuse him of saying that he planned to be the next Bachelor. James accuses them of using hearsay while addressing Michael (the Federal prosecutor) I like that he has been watching his 'Law and Order'. James does my move of trying to attack the attackers and finding one nugget of truth and hammering it in, in this case – the fact that Michael was not actually present for the alleged conversation. That is the way to do it, find something you can attack and go for it even if it does not matter one bit in the grand scheme.

Des declares no rose for the group date because she needs time to confront James. She starts to ask him all the questions that the guys have told her. James does a good move as above and attacks a single area and attacks it hard, he claims the guys are jealous and as E said “pauses long enough to work up the man tears”. Des needs time to think, so she has to walk away then comes back to say she needs even more time and will have to sleep on it.

The guy all assume that James is not returning and then he walks in and actually does something smooth: “Gentlemen, [pause] Good night [icicles hang in the air]” walks off. And I want to applaud him.

Zak gets the one on one. I may not have said this yet but he is my favorite on this show just because he is so goofy (remember last week he yodeled). So tonight they go to an art studio and take drawing lessons the first model walks in steps on the podium and everyone assumes he is going to strip…but he does not. Then a second model comes out and yup we have a nude model situation, the look on Zak’s face is again a reason to love him on this show, he had the look of someone who was told to prepare for a surprise rectal examination. Zak breaks out his own body (shielded by a brief) for Des to draw…only the supremely confident could risk that.

James and Drew have an argument and James says the most honest thing anyone on the show has ever said “this is not a normal situation” while referring to the show. The guys all have a team meeting without James; it’s the Real World house “house meeting y’all”. Every one of the guys is dressed casually but James comes in rocking a formal shirt and designer jeans and sandals…not a good look son. By the way casually for these guys means V-necks all around.

Des in her stand up claims that she plans to send James home then they begin the talk and we cut to another stand up of Des where she is now confused about sending him home. James manages to confuse Des with his words, not that hard. James is sweating so hard that it looks like he is lactating yet by the time he returns to the room, his shirt is completely dry…I have to wonder if they A. switched his shirts for him or B. the time periods in between the shots is ridiculously long or C. it is edited out of order.

The guys again confront James (Zak chills in the background like a G) and James comes off perfectly reasonable, he points out that the show is not real life, that people think about other people when they are not committed to someone blah blah blah. Basically he says things normal people would think about when entering a reality show and the other guys just cannot fathom it.

Des is seen staring at the pictures to make her decision and I forgot how much I missed those ridiculous fake decision making moments.

Rose ceremony time and a bombshell is dropped, three people are going home tonight. And they are James, Juan Pablo and Kasey. Michael gets to stay and then makes another legal reference…thanks again man nothing like making lawyers look like tools.

 

Bachelorette recap - Ding Dong the Ben is dead

Our night begins with an Aerial shot of the Swiss Alps and of course there is yodeling – cliché much? One of the guys mentions that he has never been to Europe, then a beat later he says “this is probably one of the best hotels in Germany” How can you know? Okay looks like I am already starting to ask too many questions of a show that makes little to no sense. 

The same guy who last week thought that he should go home, of course immediately starts bringing it up again. Nothing like getting that free trip to Europe first. He starts roaming the streets looking for Des and her one on one date by asking random strangers if they have seen people with television cameras. Brian claims he hopes it will not affect the one on one date…if so homie why not wait till the date is over?
 

The roomie catches Des saying Brian broke her heart…really Des? He broke your heart? The guy who told you that he wanted to go home and you convinced him to stay? That guy?

The one on one date was painfully boring, and our streak that was broken last week by Darius Rucker showing up quickly resumes: NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE MUSICAL ACT ON THE SHOW IS. I was so confident that I would not know who it was that I fake bet the roomie that neither he nor Jess (yes we have roped someone else in) would know the name of the musical act.

Thr group date is on Germany’s tallest peak. They all go sledding and Zack forces an analogy “Love is like sledding down this hill” I really wanted him to add “It’s cold and wet”.

Michael claims that he is willing to murder Ben on his 2-1 date and clearly others are fine with it because a tweet comes across the screen agreeing with the sentiment (while some of these tweets are funny overall as a thing they are bloody annoying).
 

The group date continues and they go to a giant igloo/Ice Hotel. The first take aside moment of course ends with Des taking charge and demanding a kiss, a kiss that if the guy initiates it looks a bit molesty…just saying. Zack looks a little creepy hanging out in the background, then attempts a sing songy yodel interrupting Mikey T’s set up for the kiss moment.
 

The 2-1 begins with an awkward limo ride and it gets more awkward with Michael making a forced legal analogy of Ben being found guilty of fraudulent impersonation of a Southern gentleman or some such similar nonsense. I cannot know for sure because I started groaning and holding my head in my hands because his ridiculous statement came not 10 seconds after I said “please please do not embarrass attorneys”
 

Michael plays the, you are not a good father card with Ben, it might be a low blow but mainly incredibly awkward. Michael goes into prosecutor mode and starts asking Ben questions that he does not seem to be able to answer. But he is definitely pushing too hard and it may be backfiring, Des is clearly uncomfortable and Michael keeps pushing. Ben walks away from the table rather than answering the questions he has been asked – really the questions do seem fair, the rat-a-tat nature of them and the clever editing make it seem like he was put upon. Des gets up from the table to go look for Ben. Now that Ben has had time to ‘formulate’ answers he has them all ready for Des.

But despite all his answers Ben does not get the rose and a bit more of the real Ben comes out. One of his questions on the limo ride of shame is “How long before I can be seen in public with someone?” He also expresses regret that Michael made it further than he did. It all sounds like he was more concerned with winning than finding love…excuse me while I recover from writing that trite phrase.

They do the Chris and Bachelorette recap interview, he has clearly been listening to my roomie because he brings up with Des that she has kissed a lot of guys. Des then says she is a 100% sure that she does not want to have a cocktail party. Now this is shortly after expressing her fear that a guy might be here for the wrong reason…way to not give yourself more time to find out…

The cancellation of the cocktail party means that the guys who had plans to tell Des bad things about James no longer have that opportunity. There are many instances of persons saying…”for the right reasons” The rose ceremony begins with all the suitable fake dramatic music and stare downs. Hmm shocking, shocking the roses come down to the 2 guys that the others think might be there for the wrong reasons…yup couldn’t resist. Basically it is a final 2 of guys that kind of look like each other - James and Mikey T. and James gets the rose! Am I wrong for thinking she just figured she would keep the better looking of the 2 copies? Oh come on it has been at least a paragraph since I asked a question!
 

Now that Ben is gone much of the house’s hate turns towards James.

On the “next week” previews it looks like the Bachelorette world tour continues.