Bachelor recap, or Twin Magic cannot survive Vegas.

 

One of my coworkers brought in a deskcycle, (basically a mini pedaller you keep under your desk) he used it faithfully for about a week. For the last few days it has been a foot rest, I suspect his wife told him to be healthy for the New Year and he dutifully went out and bought it then immediately reverted back to his true nature. Watching the Bachelor is a lot like that for me, I start of watching with positivity but usually by week 3 or 4 it becomes an aggressive Hate-watch for me. I want to stop watching, I promise myself I will work out more instead of watching but then…I just put my foot up on my version of the desk cycle and start typing out these thoughts. On to the show I have to hurry up and finish this and hit the gym, or ice cream.

Why does everyone in Samsung ads seem like a dick? They are either always making fun of their iPhone friends or talking smack to each other…who the hell would want to hang out with people like that? If going Android causes all of that, when I eventually leave Apple (I am not brand faithful) I need Blackberry to be back!

We start the show with everyone crowded onto 2 couches, I am always amused by that, I know they have to get them all in the same area but they are squished in like sardines. The girls are going to Vegas and as always happens they have to react like they just won the lottery. Even the twins have to pretend to be excited about going to Vegas…where they are from, oh and talk in twin-synch they fail at both.

I say all the time that I hate Vegas, I hate it like I hate this show I WENT 7 TIMES LAST YEAR!!!! Clearly at this point if I ever get married I need to put in my vows “I hate you” and then she will know for sure we will be together for life.

JoJo gets the first one on one date, and acts with even more excitement than Jubes exhibited last week but the girls are not hating on her like they did with Jubes hmm?

To hammer in the twin point, we see them on the treadmill together. I want them off the show; I hate the infantilization of women. 

Olivia continues to have her own internal thoughts about how great her relationship with Ben is going, someone should tell Ben.

One on One date:

And the Bachelor is really using up its helicopter budget early…no one thought about the fact that if you have a helicopter landing close by it might knock over your bucket of ice and champagne – logistics are not the best thing on this show. The other girls go from laughing at this comedy of logistics to sadness as they see Ben kiss JoJo before getting on the heli.

[Group date card arrives and Becca’s name is not on it so she rejoices and Olivia frowns.]

We do not get to see any of the daytime portions of the date with JoJo, I wonder “was it boring?” The evening portion is not that great, we hear about JoJo’s last relationship and of course Ben pushes for the painful part of the story, c.f. Jubes the week before and the date the week before that, Ben’s move is to find out the worst part of someone’s story. I cannot tell if it is kindness or a calculated plan.

Ben takes her to the roof to see fireworks, and the other girls can of course see it from their room and they freak out…they do know that this is not something Ben himself set up right? Olivia says she “feels like [she] is being cheated on” by her husband.

Group Date:

And they go to see Terry Fator, he is talented but I would not think of him as something a group of 20 somethings would love to go to. Really though it is just a set up to have the girls perform on stage – it is a ‘talent’ show. Olivia is accused by the girls of hiding a talent from them. Girls you might be mistaking excessive crazy for a talent. Olivia dons a Vegas show girl outfit and prior to the show is talking a big game. The girls will be the opening act for Fator’s show, this is another time that I have to wonder would I be pissed or amused to pay for a show and see the Bachelor/ette cast show up? I just realized the Twins occupation is listed as Twins! Sigh.

The twins go first; they are a heavy part of this show this week. They perform Irish tap dancing and appear to be really good. Jubes plays the cello, you go girl, as someone trained in classical piano and who had to write music for the orchestra that will always impress me. A cake is wheeled onstage, and Olivia pops out of it and attempts to dance, the girls are cringing at the sight of her trying to dance.

Ben looks mortified for her. After the performance Olivia begins to have a panic attack and declares that she does not want to be on camera…panic attack, shame attack they can be melded together I am sure…never had either (well maybe a shame attack when peeps find out that this is my blog).

Yup it is a shame attack, and wow she used the word ‘mortified’ and another girl used the word ‘cringed’, do I really think this little of these women that I am shocked they used the same words I did? Okay cool a girl just said “stoked to be there and stoked to see Ben” all is right with the world.

Lounging portion of the group date:

Caila goes in for the kiss and then pretends to be shy post kiss. Always smart to go first girl, no need to be sloppy 2^nd or 6^th. Olivia is wearing an outfit that immediately causes me to screen capture and send my coworker a question… “Is something about to fall out?”

Lauren H. shows a funnier side than expected when Ben shows up with a puppet “I didn’t expect to be on the date with Ben and Little Ben…Little Ben is way bigger than I expected.” Lauren kisses the puppet then Ben, then in her confessional playing with a puppet she mocks Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) by saying “This is going to be the most dramatic puppet ceremony ever” I do not think she is going to win it all, but I want her to stay on longer than most.

Olivia pulls Ben aside, and confesses that she felt awful after her performance. She is not confident anymore, I really need to ask all my friends in Austin who are in ‘the scene’ if they know her. Lauren B walks up and immediately kisses Ben, yup why waste time with words: she then talks about the fact that her first date with Ben could be her last first date ever – not rushing ahead or anything.

Olivia creeps back in while Ben is talking to one of the twins and interrupts the conversation it is awkward and slightly creepy and it pisses off all the girls - she did it because she pointed out that the last conversation was the first time they have ‘ever talked and not kissed’, let that marinate. Olivia thinks that she might have taken it to the point that will get her the rose, Lauren B gets it, and Olivia learns a valuable lesson – do not listen exclusively to the voices in your head.

ONE ON ONE DATE:

Becca before the date gets a wedding dress from Ben as a present (not weird at all).

Jubes kicks out the sarcastic wit and says “Perfect person to wear white…Ben better not get any ideas. But if she hasn’t lost it in 26 years I doubt it is going to happen in 6 hours…just saying.” Ben is wearing a tux and meets Becca at a chapel (again every bloody season they desecrate a church/chapel/temple/house of worship). Turns out Ben has become ordained and Ben and Becca will be doing the wedding but he tells her they will be doing this by getting on one knee and fake proposing.

 

Dirty secret, BEN CANNOT ACTUALLY LEGALLY MARRY ANYONE IN VEGAS no matter what the show is pretending is happening here. I am telling you the laws of Vegas do not allow Ben to do this, Travis and Lea either had a real ceremony before or after this or should probably find out that they are not actually married. Aside from the legality, what kind of moron wants the Bachelor and his fly by night date to marry them? Look I understand that Vegas is the quickie wedding capital but COME ON! Have some pride in yourself! And I say this as a hate-fan of this bloody show.

Ben talking about the date says “I am so glad you came” and then stuttered; did the juvenile brain kick in? Or is it just my juvenile brain kicking in? I gave blood today; maybe my brain is lacking enough blood to remain mature. Of course Becca’s virginity is discussed again – and she keeps repeating “it’s really hard, it really is.” This show has got to be trolling me!

They exchange fake vows, they are as corny as you would expect. Becca is another of the many girls to say she could see herself as “Mrs. Ben Higgins.” While she thinks about that, I think about blending peppers into a pulp to marinate my fried chicken that I plan to make and demolish tonight.

New day:

OMCH shows up with a surprise, wait what? He is not about to be obvious? Emily and Haley get picked for a surprise 2 on 1 date. Since they are from Vegas, Ben treats it as a hometown date and goes to see the Twins’ mom. Turns out they both live at home with mom. Emily tells Ben that he can treat them as individuals or maybe Haley told him that who knows?

Ben talks to the mom about her daughters this is weird because the mom is basically having to pimp out both of her daughters while selling them as a package deal. Ben decides to choose Haley no wait Emily no seriously it was Emily. Emily was the more outgoing of the 2 (I think) and I suspect that is why she was picked since it cannot be for looks. The flaw with going on this show as twins is one will always be crushed! Imagine if Emily now goes all the way? To marriage you perverts.

Cocktail Party:

Jubes ever the pragmatist points out that Haley going home improves her chances of remaining. Olivia declares that she is going to grab him right away except Jen immediately steps up and takes him away and Olivia looks like she is going to ‘cut a bitch.’ Almost immediately as Jen walks off with Ben Olivia gets up to take Ben away from her. The other girls as usual are furious about this. Olivia takes the ‘Long hair don’t care’ attitude and bullies her way through. She brings a slice of cake because “I may not be great at jumping out of a cake but I am great at eating cake” or some such nonsense.

When she returns to the girls Olivia tells JoJo that her statement of affection to Ben was reciprocated, poor JoJo cannot realize that this is all in Olivia’s head.

Jubes continues to need reassurances from Ben, who piles on the platitudes.

Rose Ceremony:

Amber as she says every week “I have never wanted a rose this badly.”

We will just have Olivia talk us through the rose ceremony “all eyes are on me” she is a bag o’ cats crazy: “He is happy, we are happy, I am happy, I am just ready to spread that to my man” then a dead stare into the camera, whomever she eventually ends up with in life is never going to sleep comfortably after an argument. “This is going to work for me, I read a lot of romance novels where everything just comes together…that would be gigantor (sic) for me.” Voice over: “I would be shocked if I didn’t get a rose and some people who haven’t talked to him…did” said just before Ben calls Jennifer down to which Olivia whispers “Seriously?” “Being called last at the ceremony, I feel like I am getting a participation medal or something…why am I last all the time? Sending me a message here, best for last right?” And, she gets the final rose which leaves Amber sobbing, I wonder if we will see her again next season.

I personally think Amber is a much more interesting girl than Becca and for me she is prettier BUT Amber has one major flaw on a show like this, she reeks of desperation. Becca is bland and boring for the most part but it keeps her just enough under the radar that peeps seem to like her since she isn’t offensive or compelling, she is just there…like growing grass.

Bachelor recap or...“Jubilee thinks she is queen bee”

One of my friends has accused me of being like these guys: http://www.buzzfeed.com/justintan/when-dudes-dont-want-to-admit-theyre-super-into-the-bachelor?utm_term=.ggWvgDDJMG

Before I even got to the show (West coast living) I saw that it was trending on twitter…hopefully it is a good one…I firmly expect Obvious Man Chris Harrison OMCH to tell us that it is the most exciting/dramatic/intense episode ever.

Oh what is this? In the upcoming scenes we see Lace telling us that “I am not a bad person” has she switched from “I am not crazy” to “I am not bad”?

Some of the girls gossiping tell us that Olivia says she has spent $40,000 on clothes; is this lifetime? Is this in the last year? Since she has started earning income? For the show? I really want to know.

Jubilee tells us that if she gets the one on one date it will be the happiest moment of her life. Did I tell you she is a soldier? This would be the happiest moment? Hmm

Lauren B gets the one on one:

She is a flight attendant but is nervous about getting into a biplane with Ben, a reasonable fear. They share a few kisses as the plane goes along the coast line, they do a flyby of the mansion and the girls who were left behind stare with envy. They fly out to a remote location while Lauren B’s voice over tells us that she is not a fan of things she is not used to…she is on the Bachelor. They come upon a Jacuzzi brand (camera made sure to zoom in) hot tub in the middle of nowhere – because this is real life! Oh and of course they both have swimsuits available. Lots more kissing and no conversation of substance…so we cut back to the house and one of the girls Caila I think is breaking down into tears because of the situation she is in; please remember this is just Episode 3!

Dinner time for the one on one:

I hate that I notice this but, Lauren B is a lot more dressed up than Ben. She is wearing a lace dress and he decided to wear his fanciest V neck sweater. Back to the house, Rachel is really hoping she gets a date card and I notice the chyron shows her as ‘Unemployed’ that probably makes her one of the most honest persons in the house since I doubt many of the jobs they list, but that is just me. Back to the boring date where Lauren pretends that she didn’t know what she meant when she said she would love to meet Ben’s parents.

Tonight’s musical act that no one knows is Lucy Angel and Ben has to force the words “I am listening to the words of this song about a girl changing me and I am thinking about how this girl could change me” or something very close…Ben you are a trooper for following that script.

Group date:

The girls will be playing football with Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara from the US Women’s National team – the girls pretend to know who they are. I swear I do, but that is only because I love the sport, I cannot believe that the girls knew Kelly O’Hara!

Flash back to the house and now Jubilee is also crying that she is falling for Ben and is worried that he will not like her type.

OMCH shows up to tell the girls they will be divided into teams with the winning team getting to remain on the date with Ben.

Lace is the goal keeper for Team Stripes, she tells us after Team Stars has scored that she didn’t know she could use her hands…I think someone needs to fire the coach! Emily is the goalie for Stars and she is actually pretty good I am sure her twin is not very happy about this. Ben tells us that the women are “playing so aggressively” (because he couldn’t say they are playing “well”). Rachel gets injured but elects to stay in and Olivia tells us that she is going to take advantage of it…she plays the mean girl so well. Amber scores the winning goal, trying to make up for last week’s athletic failures nah girl, we aint forgetting that you got smoked in that foot race!

The losing team has to return to the mansion and Shushanna literally picks up the injured Rachel and carries her in…damn girl, call me!

Evening portion Group Date:

Olivia takes Ben away first and takes him up to a hotel room and then waves from the balcony to the girls below. Olivia talks to Ben and humble brags to him that the other girls do not like her because she is winning…it leads to kissing. The girls down below start making fun of Olivia; her toes, her breath, her breasts - Jami starts to tell Olivia that the girls were picking her apart and Olivia starts to offer up body parts, “My calves?” “My cankles?” the girl finally tells her “your toes” but I really wish she hadn’t because I wanted to see how far this could have gone.

Back to the house – Jubilee gets the one on one date card and freaks out – Guess she was not the calm one on the battlefield, cause you know she is a War Veteran.

Lace calls the whole experience “really crazy”…aw girl, awareness! Amber goes in for the kill and gets her kiss and thanks Ben for it…it works she gets the rose and tells us this is the first time she has ever been safe at a rose ceremony, a fulfilled life is all about little victories. Olivia tells us that she knows that even though she didn’t get the rose she knows she is safe because to get up Ben had to use her leg to push off – so she is safe and I guess any couch that Ben ever sits on!

Jubilee one on one date time:

Jubilee is pointing out that Ben is late and the other girls are looking at her with shock. Jami does a good impression of Jubilee and it is then I notice something about Jami…

The Bachelor’s helicopter budget kicks in and a helicopter arrives for Jubilee and she tells us that she is afraid of heights she then asks out loud “Does anyone else want to go on my date?” This pisses the other girls off “That was really offensive.”  Because you know no one should ever, ever turn down these opportunities...or even joke about doing so I guess. They fly to the Cal-a-Vie health spa: Jubilee tries caviar and well let’s just say she reacted like the food was trying to climb its way out of her throat. Ben asks her if she is adventurous with food, she responds “I am adventurous but not with food.” Her favorite food is apparently hotdogs! I stared hard and rewound to see if this was a double entendre, sadly I do not think either of them is witty enough (basic juvenile humor as that would be) or smart enough to do that. Jubilee tells Ben that she was over-joyed to get the date card. Ben says there is something about her that he is attracted to: We then see Jubilee from behind as they walk to a table – I think I see it too Ben. Jubilee in competition tells Ben “I am not playing white boy” she is nervous as to how he is going to react to that statement and tells him so while they are in a hot tub since we have to get as many girls in bikinis as possible. He reacts with a  laugh and a kiss…she is in.

Evening portion:

Jubilee continues to be more nervous than a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs (couldn’t resist). Jubilee had previously told Ben that she couldn’t go back to Haiti to face her past and Ben of course thinks a first date is the best place to bring this back up. Basically “tell me about why you are an orphan” which is what Jubilee points out by saying “I am the only surviving person that I know of with my bloodline.” I guess Ben is trying to be sweet but damn son who does that? Would you meet Bruce Wayne and say “tell me about the night your parents died in the alley oh and thanks for inviting me on this first date, pass the calamari”?

In Bachelor tradition a horrible personal story is revealed and a rose is received, by now we all understand the parameters of this transaction.

The next morning girls are shocked that Jubilee is back and continue to misuse the word “literally.” They should meet some of my coworkers “literally”, literally feels like their favorite word.

Cocktail Party time:

Amber now that she has a rose feels safe in critiquing more. Ben starts the cocktail party off with telling the girls that he received a phone call from back home letting him know that 2 peeps his family was close to have died in a plane crash. He continues the trend from the night before of adding dampers to fun events. As he finishes telling the girls about his family’s pain Olivia takes him aside to tell Ben that she knows that some people make fun of her appearance and her cankles she says “blogs have been written about them.” The look Ben gave her was as close to a “bitch please” as a gentleman’s expression can get. Olivia pro tip, when someone is going through emotional trauma the thing they care least about is a hot girl talking about her ‘flaws’.

Some of the girls ask Jubilee what she is thinking about and she says “ways to make him feel better” even this angers the girls some more. Jubilee takes Ben aside to give him a massage to make him “feel better” the other girls spot this and go nuts “She already has a rose” etc. etc. Jubilee seems genuine in her intentions here – before you read that and think Cali J is a sucker and fell for a reality show trick I mean just for this brief instant and in the context of the show. Yes I know she knows that doing this helps her standing but it still is not ‘the worst thing’ as the girls make it seem.

Jami “Jubilee thinks she is queen bee” Gucci Mane please answer for Jubilee:

Amber thinks the girls need to talk to Jubilee and appoints herself as the one to talk to her and bring her to the rest of the group. Amber girl WHYYYYYYY? Amber  cannot convince Jubes (I do like that they call her that) to come to the group so she goes back and tells the group that they now have to go to her which of course makes the group think that she actually summoned them – not true but of course Jubes is not there to tell them herself. Jubes on her way to go upstairs to cry says “I don’t know what you guys think you are doing but it aint cute” I love that. Amber keeps playing the victim, I do not get it…then goes to talk to Jubes and Ben while Ben is comforting Jubes. Amber then calls Jubes out for what she said as she left for her date “Anyone else want my date” Jubes points out to Amber that it was a joke, both Jubes and Ben know it was a joke but Amber keeps insisting that it was insulting.

If that last paragraph left your head spinning then I think you probably just got a quick picture into the mind of Amber because I cannot imagine her brain has linear thoughts.

Ben sinks into a couch and says “no more drama” as soon as that is heard, here comes Lace to pull him aside to talk. Through the tears Lace says “going home might just be easier…Like my tattoo says you cannot love someone else until you truly love yourself” WHEN YOU QUOTE YOUR OWN TATTOO IT IS NOT A REASONABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION! Lace eliminates herself, does that mean the latest cheque from the producers didn’t clear? I am also going to guess that this is why the show was trending on Twitter. Anyone else really, really, REALLY wondering where on her body that quote is?

OMCH walks in to say “heavy night in here” this is why he owns the moniker OMCH!

Rose ceremony time: and we hear a lot from Olivia expressing her confidence that she is getting a rose, she starts to get less and less confident and says “I am going to stick with the saving the best for last concept.” She turns out to be right but not before having to sweat it all the way out. Shushanna is let go and while I liked her, the whole I do not speak English at the start gimmick probably hurt her. Jami gets booted…that might be because you snitched to Olivia girl, the code of the streets remains true! Jami tells us repeatedly that she does not trust humans and she is now going to start adopting cats…too soon!

Olivia continues to try to read into non-verbal cues “I feel really really strongly about my connection with Ben we kind of have this unspoken thing…when I got that last rose he just squeezed my waist a little bit and to me that was him saying that he cannot give me everything all the time but he knows that I can handle that…it is just the little things he gives me to let me know we are on the same wavelength.” Yeah you might be on the same wavelength but you are in Cuckoo land and he is in America. Olivia says “he is my man at this point.” I love these girls.

 

The Bachelor episode 2 Recap or I learn the proper name of a hair clip.

The promo for tonight shows Ice Cube and Kevin Hart showing up for tonight’s moment of promotional synergy, this is the new normal…

Lace gets named in the first date card and has to tell us that she is “not a crazy girl at all” aww girl if you have to say that in every clip we see, I hates to tell you!

The group date has the girls going back to school and I criminally think, most of these girls are probably going to spend the most time they have ever spent on the school grounds in one day today. Lace and the black girl are teamed together, the black girl (okay okay I will try to learn her name but it is kind of how they tell you to not become attached to things you know will not be around for long…) claims that she will be the brawn, have I told you yet in this blog that she used to be in the military? SHE USED TO BE IN THE MILITARY and that Lace will be the brains “hopefully the brains” they try to high five, it does not go well. Jubilee (told you I would learn it) tells us that Lace may not be able to read because she could not read the instructions for making their foaming volcano. Jubilee has quickly learned that Lace is not the brains of any operation.

The next challenge is simple and foolish, transfer an apple without using your hands, the next has the girls looking at a pile of shapes and an empty map of the U.S. and having to figure out which one shape belongs on the map (it is a shape of Indiana) I would have failed this, but I am not American, I barely look at the map now and I never had to study it. Actually I take that back, looking at the shapes I know that I would have picked Indiana but I am not sure that I would have placed it correctly…I do not do fly over states…yeah yeah I said it.

The next challenge is shooting a free throw. Now while my free throw accuracy is barely better than Shaq’s these girls couldn’t hit the side of a barn from 5 paces. Now…the team with the next darkest girl (remember Jubilee is gone) wins the basketball game, I am not saying…I am just saying. The team members then have to compete against each other to see which one of them will win so it is Mandy vs Amber and they have to run and jump over some mini hurdles to see who will be ‘homecoming queen.’ So uhmmm the lighter skinned girl won…wait what? Let me watch that again, nope Mandy definitely won and by a lot…Amber is that really just a tan?

It is the evening portion of the date: Lace already has ‘crazy eyes’ as they sit down at the couch, was she drinking in the van? Becca is the first to pull Ben aside, she is as pretty as I remember but she is just NOT my type, there is something about her that I know I could not date; I think I do not trust her.

Ben kisses Jennifer during their one on one and she immediately comes back and tells the other girls. Lace gets even angrier, my coworker and I have been discussing how quickly men label women crazy, she hates it, I hate it too…we both agree Lace is crazy!

Back to the house: Caila gets the one on one date card, and it is at this moment that I realize that she looks like she is 12.

Back to the group date: Lace steals Ben away from another girl’s time with him. Lace apologizes to him for the night before and is happy that Ben is looking her in the eyes. Lace claims that they are “eye f^#$ing” and about to kiss but then Jubilee interrupts, I don’t know if you know this but she was in the military so she is used to risky situations but that is not a risk I would take!

Jubilee was born in Haiti, girl you Caribbean? I like you more, and I don’t want to because well, see above. Jubilee was in an orphanage for a while before she was adopted...that story got her a kiss, a pretty good one too. Lace says Jubilee stole her time with Ben and accuses her of sucking face. Lace calls all the girls bitches and walks off to go talk to Ben again so she breaks into another girl’s time. Lace comes back and the girls are clearly aggravated with her but she puts an invisible wall up complete with hand gestures. Ben comes and picks up Jojo for a special view of the city they share a kiss and she tells us that she has 100% developed feelings for Ben…this is night two…she earns the date’s rose.

Caila’s one on one date will be a ‘Ride Along’ (2) with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube - Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) lets us know that the date will be a ‘Ride Along’…

Ice Cube is trying to counsel Ben on how to do the date right, condoms and Hennessey are the suggestions but Ben is afraid to follow them. The date ends at a hot tub store because of course we have to get a girl in a bikini it has already been 2 episodes of this show we have been slacking here!

Caila brings up that Ben said he was unlovable last season…he played it so well by saying that! We get our first private concert and continue the trend of obscure artist or artist not currently a hit and Bachelor/ette claiming that they are their favorite artist - tonight it is Amos Lee.

The Group Date:

Has the girls going to a love lab, because Ben wants to see if science can help him find love: the way they look at him is tested, the way they smell to him is also tested which requires the girls to run on a treadmill and then be smelled by Ben – this is a ‘real’ facility. The final study has each girl go into a back room with Ben and their body heat is measured and shown to the others watching via infrared cameras. Sam scores in the 2s out of 10 and Olivia scores 7.4, the highest score for what it’s worth.

In the evening portion:

Olivia gets the first time with Ben and they finally get the kiss she has been craving. When Olivia comes back to the girls she asks them where they plan to take Ben for their one on ones but when they ask her the same she tells them she cannot tell them and walks off. Amanda decides that she has to tell Ben about her kids. He reacts well, just once I would like to see a guy or gal react badly (yes I know it would suck for the person telling the story but man would it be a fun moment) it would probably get edited out. Olivia wins the date rose and she is starting to come across really cockily.

Cocktail party time:

All the girls are scrambling for time with Ben and Olivia she of the secure rose position steals time from the other girls with Ben...that is a good way to make sure the others hate you! Olivia walks back to the girls and goes “Now I am done, now everybody can have at it” while waving her hand dismissively. Lace pulls her aside and has her most sane moment of the show while calling out Olivia.

Lace then walks up to Ben and immediately again tells him that she is not crazy…aww girl this is getting sad. When she finally gets interrupted by another girl she goes off to cry. Ben does some sweet things for some of the girls, giving away a Participation ribbon, making rose barrettes with Amanda for her daughters. Amber lets us know that she is very nervous, you should be girl, you lost a foot race, badly!

Rose Ceremony:

Lace continues to cry in her confessional and look nervous on the dais. Hey girl hey, Jubilee gets a rose BUT we knew from last week’s this season on that she had to have gotten one…Lace gets a rose while the show uses LB to narrate throughout the ceremony, it is a clear moment of foreshadowing since I do not think we have seen more than 2 minutes of this LB girl until she suddenly is getting all this shine. LB REJECTS a rose, here is my thing with this – why do you wait until the ceremony? Are you just trying to have a moment? Are you really not making all the decisions until you see the rose appear? Amber is getting more and more nervous and we are down to one rose so here comes OMCH. Amber gets the final rose and Sam gets screwed by ‘science’. I hate myself a little bit more…I will be back next week.

Bachelor season debut...The perfect Ben?

The affluenza teen can feel me on this: I have a serious first world problem here; I need to get some rest so that I can go to my decent paying job, BUT the season premiere of the Bachelor is queued up on my DVR…what is a bro to do? I am clearly pulling my full macho card tonight too, because I just went and watched the Hunger Games finale – in a theater populated by a couple eating the loudest candy ever. I mean candy so loud that my friend had to grab my hand and hold me back because I was about to reach over 2 rows of seats snatch their candy and throw it as far as I could. I am fine with eating in a theater but how about you time it during the 100 bloody explosions in the movie and not when the characters are whispering to each other.

On to the show with the Bachelor that has been coined the Perfect Ten Ben oh you just know they loved that his name worked. The ‘this season on’ shows me that they are going to repeat a tonne of their tropes; picnic in a field; trip to a baseball stadium; wine tasting (or something similar); and, my favorite TONNES AND TONNES OF TEARS. Hmm I recognize one of the girls on this show, will not say who (yet) but I am now cracking up, Southern California living you gotta love it!

Ben does the blah blah, “I am just a small town guy from Warsaw, Indiana” while quietly admitting that he no longer lives there. He is the head of the homecoming parade and the announcer of the football game says “this is the bachelor from the TV…show…the…Bachelor?” You can just hear the announcer questioning where his life went wrong as he reads the paper someone just handed to him.

Ben’s parents talk to him about his statement on his season that he is ‘unlovable’ Ben’s mom talks about the 32 years she has spent with the man that she loves and I was really hoping they would flash a line like “they have been married for 36”

Ben meets with peeps he calls “3 of America’s favorite Bachelors” which I think is code for “3 of the Bachelors who answered the producers’ calls” Jason, Sean and Chris. But no one really cares about this part GET TO THE GIRLS and all the forced puns…

The flight attendant wants to “land Ben’s heart” she sounded so bad saying it I wonder how many takes she got. I think one of the girls said she broke up with her boyfriend because of what she saw on TV…I do not want to rewind to confirm. We get to the black girl early; but she is the military hard ass? Wait what? Are we going to play the angry black girl stereotype via the ‘I can destroy you’ route?

We get a dentist who claims to be weird and thus we get the forced dental appointment clip, she will not date a guy with gingivitis, I have never wanted a dental disease before. On to the twins, this gimmick is already overdone and they have only been on my screen for 15 seconds.

Again I will never ask a woman her age, but some of these women are straight up LYING about their ages or they need a new skin regimen or they need to cut down on the partying (or all 3).

The Flight attendant is the first out of the limo and she gives Ben a wings pin and says she is “ready for them to take off”. A girl gets out and I cannot tell if she is black, mixed or just really, really, really tanned. I note that one of the girls that is labelled as an attorney, just passed the bar…good for her, and why bother to look for a real job? Jubilee (the black girl) steps out, she is the one who E texted me to say “I thought she said Hi I am Jiggly” now that I see her dress, or lack thereof I can appreciate that line so much more. A good half of these girls have that breathy, throaty voice that I associate with party girls. Shushanna decides to not speak to Ben at all in English (does she speak English?) and exclusively speaks Russian, to the point that he cannot even properly learn her name and thinks that it is Shawna. A girl comes out in a unicorn mask, the gimmicks keep going, from footballs hiked to him, to mini bouquets thrown to him, Ben treats it all with a smile. The girl wearing a flower hat says “maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it.”

Sigh, it is time for the twins, somewhere there better be 2 parents realizing they failed twice! 2 girls are wearing the same dress and they are not the twins. The only acceptable times women should be objectified as twins are in the Coors Light commercials (where I really hope for the sake of thinking that young Cali J was not a misogynist it was done tongue in cheek). Another girl shows up with a mini horse and then an anti-gluten fanatic shows up with a basket of bread and breaks it all up on the cobblestone as a protest. Now is a good time to point out that less than 2% of the population is actually gluten intolerant. TWO PERCENT- more peeps are alcohol intolerant than that and we do not make as big a deal about booze as the anti-gluten bandwagoners do. *the alcohol stat is just assumed by me based on observing my friends.

The next girl shows up in PJs because she wants to see if Ben “is the onesie for me” if you cringed when reading that, imagine me seeing and hearing it.

The dentist pulls Ben aside first and immediately insists that she gives him a dental exam, she came fully prop-loaded. One of the girls plays charades with Ben to let him know where she is from and what she does. As Ben is meeting the girls he says, “it is going to get crazy”…blatant foreshadowing, so we cut to outside and Becca (was/is? the virgin from San Diego) and Amber (both from Chris’ show) step out of a limo together. The girls all seem to view Becca as the bigger threat.

A girl named Lace is getting rip roaring drunk yes, Lace is her real name (as claimed on the show). She is very ‘hands on’ she had pecked Ben when she first came out of the limo and now aggressively wants a second kiss but another girl interrupts her/rescues Ben. But, Ben comes back and seeks her out to assure her that he cares…still no kiss.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison, OMCH drops off the first impression rose on the coffee table and some of the girls start freaking out. As Ben picks the rose up and walks off with it more of the girls freak out and some become sad.

Lace’s drunken sadness starts to escalate since she did not get the first impression rose and again we see in the upcoming clips for the episode a girl saying “50 Shades of crazy” it is an overused line ever since that movie came out, but…it still fits.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben takes a few deep breaths and we begin, but if you look at the clock you will know that there is too much time left for this to just be a straight ‘hand out roses and say good night’ type of ceremony. Amber claims that meeting Ben she “already feels something with him.” At the rose ceremony Shushanna accepts her rose with a “Da” I know the producers must have edited out her actual interaction with Ben or just blatantly told him to pick her because otherwise…am I really supposed to just believe in the language of love?

Lace gets the final rose and is ecstatic at this point, that cannot continue. OMCH tells the rejects to get a stepping. A redhead girl that gets rejected expresses the probable fear of most peeps that are redheaded “maybe he isn’t into red heads, some people aren’t.” Post rose ceremony Lace pulls Ben aside to tell him that she was not happy that he did not look her in the eyes; some people just do not know how to take a win…”50 shades of crazy” makes its official debut.

Wow the coming up this season on the bachelorette is a good 4 plus minutes. The black girl appears early in the season on clips…but wait what is this…she is there later? This is new. Maybe I spoke too soon…damn

The blooper reel has OMCH talking to the mini horse.

I am going to check out Bachelor Live (the after show), but obviously not live, I love myself too much for that.

Bachelor in Paradise...oh girl, he played you!

We come back to Clare crying and pulling OMCH (Chris Harrison) away from the rose ceremony. Clare is gone so long that the Bach/ettes are sitting down rather than standing up waiting. Clare finally comes back and gives her rose to JJ.

Juelia gives the last rose to Joe...cause of course she does. Michael gets the boot (I should not cheer against a fellow lawyer) big Mikey gets the boot and I suspect he is going to rage kill his hotel pillow. Juelia tells us that the guys that warned her about Joe were just basically lying...Joe (dick that he is) told us last week that she is not very smart - we get to see why he holds that opinion.

Samantha the girl that Joe really wants to meet is next on the Paradise track...and she of course arrives with a date card - but we also learn that she and Juelia are apparently friends. Sam picks Joe for her date and that causes consternation for everyone but Joe who lights up. Joe must be a lot better looking in person than he is on TV, because I just don't get it. Joe lies to the guys as to whether he spoke to Juelia prior to the show. Juelia is still having a hard time realizing she got played. SHe talks about Joe's not showing her attention...

Sam and Joe's date is a photo shoot for People magazine - Sam reveals that Joe got 'excited'. They come back from their date all smiles and lovey dovey and Juelia is getting angrier and sadder as she hears it all. A few of the guys tell Joe to talk to Juelia and he finally caves and does it - it does not go well.

There is a parody scene of Clare talking to a raccoon via cell phone.

Carly lets us know that she and Kirk have not been having sex, so of course she gets the next date card. Kirk lets us know that he wanted to take his time, but that he has failed at his plan. We get a lot of featuring of Jorge the bartender, probably the most important person on this type of show.

Ashley S tells us that marriage is on the table for her and Dan - she might want to check with him on that first.
Megan shows up well she doesn't really because she claims that she is lost in Mexico - "old Mexico" like the show would leave the white girl alone in Mexico...

Carly lets us know that her brother is getting married on the same day that she is doing her date...Did Carly really pick this show over attending her Bro's wedding? Wow. Carly is 'pressuring' Kirk to say he is in a relationship with her, Kirk is trying everything to let her know he wants to date other people.

Ashley S and Dan are having a similar conversation. Ashley tells us she can do without him by using the "Bye Felicia" that is so over used now.

Carly calls her brother and apparently letting him into her life like that sways Kirk to stay with her. Carly and Dan let us know they are getting it in tonight...

Megan shows up finally and cannot pronounce the word sombrero. Megan apparently is seeing her first crab ever (snicker) then watches that crab get eaten by a bigger crab - ah nature. She asks JJ to go on her date, Dan looks saddened.

Onlookers are suspicious about Joe and Samantha...took them long enough. While we see Juelia talking to her daughter and crying we see Joe and Samantha fooling around in the pool/hot tub, Joe looks like he might have done a 'release'. They are going to have to bleach down that whole property when this season ends. Turns out that Joe and Samantha did communicate repeatedly prior to coming on the show.

Dan decides to confront Joe about his actions and bring him to talk to Juelia (Joe in confessional calls him old...the stupidity of a guy who looks 40 years older than someone calling them old) Joe tries to bully Dan...Juelia gets her talk with Joe and Joe gives Zero Effs. Juelia quickly realizes  that she cannot get a word in edgewise with Joe and it starts to dawn on her that Joe has completely played her.

Juelia hits Joe with the only thing that can cause Joe to panic, telling him that she might tell Sam that Joe played her and this causes Joe to stutter. Sam and Juelia go off to talk, and Joe in the confessional pretends to not remember Juelia's name.

Bachelor in Paradise recap or...Is Joe really that smart?

So it has taken me almost a week to get to this latest episode. We return to the end of the rose ceremony. Tenley survived thanks to JJ but is already looking forward to who is coming on next.

There is a discussion about whether crabs can fly...

Lauren and Ashley I spend a lot of time arguing, with Lauren crying and lamenting the fact that she left her status as a Mistress back home.

Joshua shows up (he is the one that Lauren has been hoping will arrive) Josh has the date card and before he can announce it Ashley I takes him aside to talk up her sister. Thanks to Lauren's awkward conversations with Josh we learn that the cast has to do blood tests before coming on the show...not shocking.

JJ talks a tonne of trash about Josh but then lo and behold Josh asks Tenley to go on a date with him.
This causes Lauren to pack up to go home, she also asks why the Universe is so mean to her - do not forget she is with some guy who is cheating on his girl with her...The show makes her drag her suitcase across the sand to leave and she breaks the fourth wall by saying "this looks pathetic." The only one lamenting Lauren's departure is Ashley I.

Joe arrives and Clare is immediately smitten 'on paper', but then Joe just sits on the couch like a lump. Apparently the guys built Joe up as very funny but the conversation just becomes very awkward, especially when Joe disses Clare. Clare goes off to the side and I am sure she is talking to a producer who is off camera but the show makes it seem like she has found her raccoon friend from last season.

Joe asks Juelia to go on his date, but does it in such an awkward fashion the group is not sure he did.

Tenley returns from her date with Josh and JJ immediately steals her away and apparently kisses her a lot then goes to bed feeling satisfied and telling us that he is more successful than Josh with women...as he passes out we cut to Tenley and Josh making out in a bedroom.

Juelia is telling us that she is missing her daughter, I hate these moments because I am always conflicted about having parents of young kids on these shows, I am concerned that they really should be home with the kids.

Tenley seems to be beaming after her date with Josh. But then Josh starts to dry snitch on himself and clubs in LA and the availability of Molly in coconuts at the club. Josh is weirding the girls out by his stories of heavy drug use and does not seem to know where the end point on a 'fun' story is. 'Stop Snitchin'' could never be a campaign on this show, since some of the guys immediately go and tell Tenley about Josh's stories. weird

Joe and Juelia appear to have a great time on their date, I was talking to a client while they were making out in the water so the TV was muted, but I am not going to bother to go back to hear their conversation.

Tenley confronts Josh about the rumors of his partying, he tells her the molly usage was a one time thing...his answers are so bad that Tenley seeks out JJ for a 'mind break.' Mikey finally gets a warning that Clare is just not that into him...and he ignores it aggressively.

We and many of the Cast catch Ashely I peeing in the ocean/beach but she didn't do it because she was out swimming but rather because she didn't want to walk to the bathroom so she just squatted near the edge of the water.

Jonathan starts talking to Juelia to catchup/plead his case/snitch. While Juelia is telling us that Joe is sweet and such a good person we see him telling the producer that she is not very smart.

While Juelia is talking up the date and the kissing, Joe says the kiss was bad and that he only kissed her to get the rose. The producer tries to get Joe to tell all of this to Juelia in response to that he audibly farts.

Jared gets the date card and of course its for Jared since Ashely I wants him but he has been spending time with Clare who Ashley has declared the person with almost dead eggs...ouch. Ashley I tells us that she put nude lipstick on so that Jared would not be intimidated to kiss her red lips...but Jared chooses Clare who agrees to go on the date. Mikey and Ashley both are flabbergasted. Ashley I begins bawling and threatening to leave. Jared goes to talk to Mikey and Mikey asks him if he wants to date a girl "eight years older than you?" The fascination with Clare's age on this show is amazing to me. Mikey tells us that if "this were real life" he would have beat Jared up. Mikey claims that Clare was not honest with him, "or that I did not read it right" it is the latter my friend, your reading comprehension sucks.

Mikey and Clare get into an argument over Clare accepting the date from Jared. Juelia says something absolutely crazy "The date might not happen tomorrow...and Clare might be leaving" oh Juelia there is no way Clare would leave this show without more drama. The show ends with a lot of crying...

The Monday follow up show:
Just before the show starts there is a message from ABC remembering Frank Gifford - Before I even knew what American football was I knew who Frank Gifford was...weird the things we learn as kids.

We come back to the show and Mikey T is still sore, and Ashley is still crying. Clare tells us that Jared looks like Superman, Clare might need to get an HD TV. They go bungee jumping and Clare turns it into a sexual experience with the moans and explanations about body quivering.

Clare comes back and tells the others about her date, this causes Ashley I to break down. Michael shows up and he is looking for Tenley. Michael is going to take Tenley on his date and he can barely get the invite out before Tenley says yes.

Mikey desperate for a rose pulls Juelia aside, then aggressively tries to get a kiss...it fails badly.
Michael drops some cheesy lines with Tenley and yet it works, he gets a kiss.

Clare continues to throw herself at Jared but then Jared brings up the 8 year age gap.
Juelia announces at the start of the cocktail party that she is giving her rose to Joe...this causes consternation with the others. Mikey and Jonathan both tell Juelia that Joe is only with her to get the rose, she tells Joe and he fools her with a kiss. Joe starts acting like a tough guy when neither Mikey T or Jonathan are around so Mikey T comes up to confront him. Joe deflects the anger of Mikey and turns it back on him, he then does the same to Jonathan, even getting Jonathan to apologize to him. Again note this guy Joe is sticking around solely to meet Samantha. Joe then makes Jonathan go and apologize to Juelia and even cry...we need to get Joe to work for us at the UN, we would own the rest of the world (till they watched the video). Jonathan actually goes to a room and starts bawling, he has to be comforted by Joe - that is not going to be a good look when you go back home homie.

Jared easily wins Ashley I back by kissing her. Clare has a break down and rants about finding love. Jade calls her out as offensive. Clare stops the rose ceremony to take OMCH aside so that she can cry.

Bachelor in Paradise and Crabs

Oh it is the best day of August...Bachelor in Paradise premiers tonight (yes I set the bar low for good days).
Sayulita, Vallart-Nayarit, Mexico is the spot on the globe that we are going to ruin this season and we start with Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) walking on a beach and telling us about the 2 idiots that are going to get married on the show after meeting on this show's last season.

Ashley I gets featured first with her younger sister Lauren I, described as the 'slut version of me'. Jared and his struggle beard is up next, is there such a thing as beard cancer? I am somewhat seriously concerned that this dude does not have a bathroom mirror. Tanner plays a female version of himself mocking the fact that no one really knew who he was after his time on Kaitlyn's season. Jillian she of the editing black box over her butt makes jokes about the black box and then tells us and shows us that she is getting her boobs done, no chance she goes subtle with the increase.

They all start to arrive to Sayulita and Ashley I lets us know that she has brought her sister Lauren with her. Tenley does not think it is fair that Ashley gets to bring her sister...the guys do not care. Jonathan lets us know that he has had 2 sisters at the same time, he starts to go into detail "you would think it would be a little bit dirty, but I kind of liked it"...a producer tells him that Ashely is a virgin he continues "A virgin? I've had a couple of those, a lot of work, a lot of fun but it will definitely be worth it." Jonathan is trying really hard to let us know that he is scuzzy. Mike walks off with Lauren and the show begins playing a porno soundtrack (or as my CC says "Sexy music playing"), when the age difference is brought up the music stops till Lauren lets us know it wont matter and the music kicks back in...I love this show and how much fun the producers have with it.

Ashley and Lauren are grading guys as they walk in, Jillian walks in but unlike anyone else she comes in, in a bikini a fluorescent bikini. JJ walks in and peeps are not happy to see him. Ashley S shows up and she appears to be as crazy as ever.

So we come back from commercial and because I (sadly) listen to a podcast on this show I know before the cast knows that we are about to have a ratchet mess of a wedding. It's the wedding for Marcus and Lacy and OMCH is the officiant. The wedding is not terrible if you ignore that it is a TERRIBLE IDEA...Lacy's dress though...them puppies!

Jade is the belle of the Ball the first night with guys crowding around her Lauren is off to the side bawling as Mikey tries to comfort her. She requests her sister to come and meet up with her...Ashley is worried that Lauren is not built for this show. They begin to trash the others behind their back calling 32 year olds...OLD - damn girl!

Ashley is falling for Jared so she shows it to him by sitting silently beside him. Carly and Kirk are coupling up she wants him to kiss her but he wont make the move so finally she just goes for it - and calls it one of the best kisses she has ever had.

Ashley I in an attempt to talk to Jared brings up her Disney princess fascination from her season...because that is what every grown man wants! He goes off with Jade for a walk on the beach.
Because the producers know how to keep the show spicy Ashley I of course gets the first date card and wants to ask Jared. Her sister has to boost her spirits up to get her to talk to Jared to invite him on the date - these 2 together seem to suck intelligence from each other.

On the date we find out that Ashley I believes in horoscopes...and that she runs into the water weirdly. Cut to Ashley S going nuts with birds. Ashley I is concerned that Jared may not be over Kaitlyn yet.

See above re producers, Jade gets the next date card - She is debating between Jared and Tanner, 2 guys who my friends do not think are as good looking as the girls on the show seem to think he is. I think the same about Jade, the guys on the show are straining their necks to get to her while to me she just seems like one of the many pretty faces on the show. Jade takes Tanner on her date - its basic, so we cut back to Ashley S being taken to the hospital in an ambulance...that's crazy (could not help myself).

Tanner tells us he is feeling more connection with Jade in one night than his whole season with Kaitlyn. Carly foreshadows her demise by saying things are going great and the only thing that could spoil it for her is if someone comes down the stairs and its someone that Kirk wants...we then see the girl we have all been waiting for...Clare - and she immediately gets a date card while telling us that the guys she is interested in are Tanner, Jared and Kirk...Uh OH!

The second night of this travesty begins and the last bit of my soul cries in fear.

The shows opening credits is done in the style of a soap opera, I would crack up if they do a new one each week. Clare says what I have told E and Ashley, Jared must be really good looking in person...the girls fawn over him so much. Well Mikey and JJ are going to love seeing this show when they see Clare giving it a thumbs down for them being the only two guys available to her. We have the usual scene of Clare apparently talking to an animal, this time its a crab on the bed across from her - I do not think she was actually talking to a crab, because I think she would have freaked out seeing a crab in her bed...at least not one that large...I make no assumptions as to whether she has already seen crabs in her bed!

Mikey and Clare have a very awkward moment where he basically begs her for the date...it works (here) but not a good look. Clare is hoping they will be going on an adventure like sailing or zip lining - instead its partner yoga and Clare is trying to avoid touching 'priv-ies' with Mikey her words! Mikey makes a tonne of juvenile references with goofy laughter because of course he does. Clare strongly hints to Mikey that she is not interested in him and he immediately asks her for a kiss, well at least his body is strong.

Ashley S and Dan go on a date that does not involve the hospital, she is googly eyed, but when is she not? Tenley goes for a walk with Jared which causes Ashley I to freak out that she is losing her man to an old lady, let me point out Tenley is only THIRTY ONE years old. Ashley I is telling Jared that she has claimed him, Jared tells her he wants to play the field (maybe he is smarter than I think ). Lauren and Ashley I try to comfort each other, if these 2 tried to talk someone off a ledge there would be a suicide.

Cocktail Party time:
Jillian tells us that JJ told her the night before that she was safe and then kissed her so she feels confident, she would feel less so if she saw Tenley sitting in his lap giving him permission to kiss her, which he of course accepts.

Jared tells Clare that he is giving her a rose while Ashley is off in the background crying that Jared is talking to another girl.
It's rose ceremony time and Mikey gives Clare the rose which gives us more time for Clare to tell us how much she does not like Mikey. Jared saves Ashley I and Lauren which leads us to the JJ drama moment. JJ is given the opportunity to say something before handing out his rose but wisely refuses it and sends Jillian home, Cynic Cali J moment - the producers told him they could not afford to keep using the black box technology so he had to send her home. 

Bachelorette finale, after the final rose and I quit checking my posts for grammar because this show has killed my will

Met some friends, had a good time out dancing, watched a crazy girl hit the dance floor in a wrap shirt and a bright purple sports bra, watched the shirt come undone and watched the girl dance only in the sports bra for a few moments...why yes this is a Monday night in San Diego...now on to watch the finale of this ratchet mess I have been following all season.

We start with a studio audience and I issue a mild sigh of relief, this means there will be some filler that I can zip through - every minute saved is precious the fact that DVRs exist is just further proof there is a God (how can anyone question this?).

Kaitlyn's (K) family asks her if she is in love and she says she is in love with both guys. Her family expresses shock that Nick is still there. K's family immediately guessed that things "went too far" with Nick...how close is this family? K's mom Leslie has some thoughts on the Nick situation.

Nick gets to meet the family first: like on Andy's season, he brings gifts.
The family asks him why he is doing this show again, he repeats the line he has rehearsed many a time - that he could not bear K getting married without his getting a chance to meet her. Nick decided to rock the deep V shirt for this meeting, even as an owner of a couple deep Vs I find it inapprops for meeting the fam (every word in that sentence picked on purpose).

K's mom grills Nick, Leslie seems like the type of mom I could kick it with...damn I am now old enough that I think about kicking it with moms. Leslie hearkens back to Andy's season and says that she finds him possessive, Nick says some cocky stuff then seems to squeeze out some fake tears. Nick then seeks the blessing of K's dad Mike, who looks like he may have hit the pipe before this taping...I have never smoked but I could see why someone might want to mellow out before meeting 2 dudes that more likely than not slept with your daughter on a national television show.

I like K's sister Haley, she just seems so happy to be there and why not? I would love someone fly me out to a chill spot to have me meet randoms who want to bang my bro...his girl might hate that though.

Sean gets to meet the family: While K is out meeting him, Leslie says that she is worried that he might be a jealous person...has she seen the dailies? Sean also brings gifts. Sean is shockingly smooth around the family, methinks the man rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. Leslie asks Sean about his thoughts on Nick and the fact that Nick and K got together. Sean handles the Nick question so well that someone somewhere must have told him 'the rage monster act does not make you look good'. He gives the sensible answer - that they were not exclusive then, but off the show they should be. BUT can we talk about the mild weirdness of someone's mom bringing up to her potential son in law the fact that his potential fiance tapped someone else? Haley says she is Team Sean, K snitches on her and brings up the fact that all year Haley was Team Nick. I can't resist thinking that K tapped Nick just to shut her sister up...siblings can be cold like that.

Sean brings Leslie over while he is talking to chill Mike so that he can ask for both of their blessings. I like this non patriarchal move, it is sexist to only ask the father for his blessing - Sean gets it from both.

The Bachelorette's budget is not even close to the Bachelor's: Nick and K are hanging out at Marina del Rey...you know who else used to hang out all the time at Marina del Rey...my broke ass when I lived in LA - Where is the exotic locale trip?

The day/date is rather bland, Nick tells K that he has a gift for her in his bedroom...its just a framed poem and picture because of course that had to be kept in his bedroom and no where else. The picture is from their first one on one date together, which means he had to have gotten it from the show's producers.

Sean's turn and they go to Saddle Rock in Malibu you know who else used to go to okay you get it I LIVED IN LA. Sean and K spend a lot of time talking about how nervous they both are. Sean also has a memento from their time on the show for K. This is so clearly scripted by this point. K expresses fear that she is going to break someone's heart since both guys are in love with her, before I can reach for my remote we see the shocked faces in the audience then zip racing past it all to seeing Neil Lane and his forehead that does not move bringing Sean ring choices.

Nick worries that the knock on his door will be K sending him home and not Neil Lane with rings...he hugs Neil and Neil points out that Nick is still wearing the cheesy ring that he and K picked out on one of their dates.

K shows up and we await the sacrificial lamb - K is struggling to keep it together. Nick arrives first and he looks nervous, I wonder if its because he is playing out the time in his head and can begin to realize that he might be taping too early to be the one! Nick starts to ramble on and recapping the show and telling K how in love he is with her and telling her that he is not ready to let her go or to let them go and he starts to reach for the ring and K stops him (He knew it, he knew it, he could tell based on the timing, I am sure of it...all the words were a desperate attempt to sway her). Again K has to bring up off camera time, it is said so often on this show (they really try so hard not to say sex on this show) that it is not natural. Nick's true nature starts to come out, less of the polished guy and more of the guy who is rough with women once he is not the object of their desire.

K walks Nick out and he can barely look at her (that part I understand, I can barely face the people who break up with me in private, no way could I do it on a nationally televised show). Nick plays with the ring and I wonder if he gets to keep it - I doubt that very much, he puts it back in its box and throws it across the limo (notice he did that carefully) then takes off the promise ring and chucks that too, much less carefully.

Sean is not a good enough actor to act like he does not already realize the situation he looks more confident now than he has on any other time on the show. Sean says he would not change anything that happened on the show - really not even the part of her tapping your enemy? K of course has to stretch it out a bit and pretend that she is not picking Sean.
Sean gives a better proposal than I would expect and gets a quick yes from K.

The after the final rose special is on next but I have to break this up...will watch after a break.

Break over -
After the final rose:
The happy couple joins Obvious Man Chris Harrison on stage; doing the let's hug and giggle a lot new couple thing. OMCH tells us that he thinks it is important that Nick gets some closure so here he comes to the stage, nothing like real life here. Nick comes out to applause, but it is not roaring, I wonder if the audience is unsure whether to hate him or feel sympathy. Nick gives us background about his interaction with K and while I think he thinks he is coming off as a sympathetic figure, to me he just seems like he was scheming from the get go. Nick's family continues to look hyper-concerned.

Nick and Sean have to share an uncomfortably close interaction with each other, Nick even taps Sean on the knee, they are similarly dressed and are sporting similar beards...as a current 'person of the beard' I am now just this minute considering shaving! These guys are even sitting in a mirror image style of each other. Nick and Sean both claim that the show played up their tension more than was actually occurring...shocking.

Nick and K meet and immediately an amber alert blazes across my screen...I think my cable is trying to save me from myself. My CC says that Nick said  "We said I love you to each other toward the end and obviously I took that to heart - what were you thinking when you said that?" that caused K to roll her eyes to such a degree that E texted me about it even while I was out.

Every time they go to a commercial break Nick does an awkward stand up and look around routine, it is not a big thing, but it bugs me.

Sean says the best part of the show being over is that he can now stand up for his girl.

THE BEST PART OF THIS SHOW BEING OVER IS THAT WE CAN GET TO BACHELOR IN PARADISE!!!

The Bachelorette men tell all...but do we want to listen? OR "Are you gay bro?"

Tonight is the Men tell all show, the episode where we sometimes get the joy of verbal cat fights - we get an extended preview of the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise so much crying, I cannot wait.

First guy to take some heat is Ian, he of the insults and hey did you know he went to Princeton? Ben H is willing to defend Kaitlyn (K) despite being sent home. Ian takes his jacket off and makes a production of kneeling in front of the guys and apologizing. Ian gets some handshakes from a few guys...it was a corny move but this show loves corny.

Clint declares that he is a straight man,
he and JJ have appeared to grow matching beards. Kupah tells us he does not care about the Clint and JJ bromance, he is just pissed about Nick being on the show.

JJ is the first in the 'hot seat' - he claims much of the problem with him was due to misunderstandings with his brand of humour.

Ben Z is on the hot seat - he is as boring here as he was on the show.

Jared you and your bad scruff, come on down - Wah wah, in love, wah wah wah, great girl till CH thanks him for shaving the "spotty beard" and the audience roars.

Ben H to the seat - is he the new bachelor? Will the trend of bland white guys continue? He is careful and parses everything.

K comes out and tells us that people have been been spreading hate to her and her family - even sending death threats.

If you take any show seriously enough to send death threats to someone, you need help, and please in anything in life, do not send death threats. CH reads some of the threats/tweets K has received from 'fans' they are as disgusting as you would expect them to be. I just do not understand the type of mentality that requires spreading that much bile. I can say something sucks, anyone can say something sucks, you could even say K is the worst Bachelorette ever (I do not agree) but to then add whore, slut, etc or wish death or disease on them...you need Jesus.

K talks about bringing on Nick there is a lot of excuses for her 'behavior', but really my problem is less with her and more with the show...they clearly set it up to create the drama, K just has to take the brunt of the blame as the public face. The show really put her in an unwinnable position. So much of the grief she faces could easily just be blamed on the formatting of the season.


Ryan the super drunk guy from night one breaks out a rose and gives it to K as his apology. K makes a few gay jokes at Clint and JJ's expense. Ian gets to apologize to K and tells her "I am humble" hmm I guess Princeton did not teach the meaning of words.

The blooper reel is as entertaining as usual.

Overall a fairly boring show, and I am disappointed that we did not get to hear from the healer. 

The Bachelorette recap or lets all coitus because we cannot really communicate version 22.89

We return to Shawn in Nick's room finally 'confronting' him. It is a back and forth of stunningly boring fashion.

Time for Ben's One on One:
Kaitlyn (K) tries to sell us on Ben's qualities but she is not a good enough actress. They go horseback riding and both pretend talk to the horses...so natural. They come upon a field with donkeys and these donkeys seem to be ultra pleasant, my grand dad had donkeys and I feared those damn obstinate animals as a kid so I was shocked to see how chill these 2 were then they started chasing Ben and K and...YUP THERE THEY ARE the donkeys we all know and love. Oh there is a tonne of kissing (Kiss count one, but as said earlier by the time you get to this point, everyone gets a kiss).

The evening portion - We find out that Ben had his 26th birthday on the show and then they talk about age alot - K being the 'hot older woman.' Ben gets offered a chance to stay with K in the fantasy suite he gives a weirdly aggressive monologue about wanting to spend more time alone with her. So they of course spend the night together but I miss much of it because the news promo below K is "Coming up...Local man bitten by rattlesnake says he tried to take pic w/ it" - wrong of me to wish he wasn't able to talk? K says she has fallen in love with Ben...but hey not like there are 2 other guys around

Time for Shawn's One on One:
They are going golfing, and K gets Shawn a bright pink polo with bright blue pants outfit she does it apparently to tease him, I wonder if she has not hit any suburban party recently...all the 18-40 year olds are wearing outfits like that 'ironically'. They are both predictably bad at golf. Shawn 'loses' to K so she makes him play Truth or Dare'. He picks dare and K dares him to go streaking so we now have a naked American running across historical greens.

Evening portion - K asks Shawn about the animosity between Nick and Shawn. Shawn takes the tact of aggressively calling Nick out, at this stage why not? K says she wants to continue their discussion off camera so she offers the fantasy suite card. Cut to the morning with Shawn saying see you soon and walking out with nary a backward glance. Nick is waiting for him in the parking lot...strange timing..am I supposed to believe he just knew when Shawn would be leaving? Was he standing there for hours? Is he psychic? Do they all always take the walk of shame at the same time?

Nick says that when Shawn came over to his place the other day he didn't have a chance to say his side of the story, guess he needed a day to formulate his answers. Shawn accuses Nick of being 2 faced and Nick repeatedly asks him if he is threatening him - I think he was really hoping for a way of getting Shawn booted off the show.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up and points out to K that Shawn might be a jealous fellow.
On to the Rose Ceremony:
K gives her monologue then breaks down crying and has to leave. OMCH goes to check on her, his version of offering solace is to whisper obvious things to K including "Tell them what is going on" SEE THIS IS WHY YOU ARE OMCH! Nick gets the first rose and whoa I just noticed K's dress that is some cleve being shown tonight. Oh yeah, Shawn gets the second rose, but come on you knew that. While I think Nick is a dick, I have to acknowledge that he is clearly one of the best ever at playing this 'game'. K walks Ben out, offers him little comfort and we are left with Shawn and Nick standing alone draining their champagnes in a large room not talking nor looking at each other.

Nick meets up with K to give her the 'Aw shucks' I am falling in love with you speech. K getting dumber by the episode says that it was so reassuring to her and let her know that they are on the right path, they of course Kiss.

Cut to Nick's family all sitting around in a large circle looking apprehensive (This show loves large circles and big couches) Nick's mom is crying and this causes the little girl in the room to cry (Nick's sister Bella).

Hmm the Bachelor/ette is casting in HI soon, so I immediately pick up my phone and tell my old law school roomie to please please go, I will pay his costs...he wont get on though...he is Asian.

Nick and K tell his family that it is down to 2 guys the family acts a bit surprised.
Nick's sisters take K aside to ask her questions. Bella asks "how is Vancouver...do you love my brother?" Man they would have teased this girl mercilessly at my prep school and high school (I think now we would call it bullying) thankfully we are past those years.

These families have to be so coached or have planned in advance to not really "discuss this on camera" the conversations are so stilted and not at all in accord with what a parent would demand of their kid to explain to them whey they want to marry this person that they just met.

Time for Shawn's family: Shawn tells K she is meeting his sisters and to be prepared but K says "Sisters are my Jam...I have 6 step sisters and one real sister" (those step sisters are going to love that). Shawn's mom wasn't able to make it and now I really really want to know why. Usual family questions to K and then Shawn's dad takes him aside to point out "What the hell is going on? This is nuts" yes sir it is. As above with Nick's family none of the answers would truly have placated a concerned family. Anyway the answers seem to satisfy all involved. Shawn tells K he is in love with her - Kisses (100 % episode)

Boring finish, let's hope the tell all has fireworks.

Bachelorette review or let's all jump into bed.

So yesterday I watched the US beat Japan to a pulp in the Women's World Cup final, and while watching I was dreading what I would see on twitter and other internet portals; I expected to see things along the lines of "The US has not dropped this many bombs on Japan since 1945" or "the US hasn't damaged a treasured Japanese icon like this since Godzilla" but really I realized that was just me anticipating horrors that might not necessarily occur and giving in to my darker side...this is what I hope is about to happen with the Bachelorette, the previews have made it seem like this will be the episode that Kaitlyn (K) confesses to sleeping with Nick, and I am already dreading A the reaction of the guys on the show and B. the internet's reaction complete with slut shaming...but here is hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised.

We start with K walking around and the guys all sitting in a circle and Jared's stubble still having a hard time staying together...his beard is so patchy I wonder if beard mange is a thing.

Ben gets the one on one date:
They go rowing on a lake, to Innisfallen Island and play hide and seek which leads to a kiss (ONE - come on kiss count lets get a 100%).

To the evening portion and Ben decides he has to tell K his biggest fear "that I am unlovable" try to remember that this guy is only 26.

K brings up the possibility of the Fantasy Suite and Ben tells her he cannot wait to just talk all night in there, which makes K realize that he might still have his V-Card - she bluntly asks him. He stammers so we cut back to all the guys with a group date card arriving. Back to Ben trying to assure K that he is not a virgin.


Group Date:
Shawn steals her away first, and K immediately brings up to him that their conversation at the last cocktail party was the last time they had hung out and not kissed so of course they immediately make up for lost time (TWO).

 K says she is tempted to tell him now about the Nick Dick!

Nick interrupts them and they dance around the coitus issue and kiss (THREE).

K asks Joe if he is ready to be engaged he says yes, he tells her he is in love with her they kiss (FOUR - the dream is alive and strong). I think this is a kiss of death, cut to commercial and we come back to K (being "brutally honest") telling Joe that even though he tells her he is in love with her, she cannot reciprocate those feelings. Joe puts his shields up and tries to be cold towards her. I love that K is willing to kiss the guys then cut them, she really helps my kiss count. The goodbye becomes really cold as Joe asks K "what should I do now?" and she responds with "do whatever you want to". K appears shocked that Joe would be cold towards her after she breaks up with him!

I loved K coming into this, and still like her as a Bachelorette but sometimes I wonder if the burden of the show has addled her brain.

K returns to Shawn and Nick and tells them that she does not feel like she should give out the group date rose now, so she tells Nick that she will see him at the rose ceremony and tells Shawn that she wants to spend some more time with him tonight. Shawn smirks and rubs a little salt into Nick "well I wasn't expecting that."

K again tells us that she feels nervous and sick about the upcoming conversation she has to have with Shawn, this feels producer driven - why would she feel the urge to tell anyone what happened with her and Nick? That is absolutely not how someone who dates around does it, if you are dating a girl who is dating a dozen other guys you might assume sex happens but would you actually ask her when you are not exclusive?

K and Shawn are holding hands and drinking and K tells him that she just wants to be honest with him...she couches the confession with "I just think it went too far...it is hard for me to admit it, but we had sex."

Shawn greets the news with stunned silence and looking away from K, his first words "Do you regret it?" What the hell man? Do you think she secretly killed a man, committed fraud? Then he finally asks a question that I agree with "I am trying to figure out, why you are telling me this right now?" K - "I just thought it was the right thing to do." Shawn takes a moment to go to the bathroom "to regroup."

Back to the hotel, with Nick telling Jared and Ben H that he is incredibly nervous, they look at him with the "brah we are your enemies" look.

Shawn comes back and is actually handling this so much better than I expected, "at the end of the day I am here for you and you are the only thing that I want out of this" he says he will "man up and move past it." I have to wonder if a producer quietly got to him and told him, "Don't be an idiot YOU ARE ON A DATING SHOW."

Cocktail Party:
Nick keeps complaining that he has had less time than all the other guys with K, remember this is the guy who had sex with her! The guys were hoping for time with K but Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up to tell them that K is not going to need time with them because her mind has already been made up, so straight to the rose ceremony. If Jared gets cut, the kiss count loses...hold on son, hold on!

K tries to give the first rose to Shawn, but he instead of accepting it tells her he needs to talk to her - feels very staged and convenient. K tells Shawn that it was a mistake for her to tell him early on that he was the one and that the plan for dating around and forming relationships here is because hopefully after this ends she would never form another relationship with anyone else, K asks Shawn if he will trust her at the end of the process, his answer is not very positive - But Shawn and K come back in to the ceremony and he accepts the rose.

Ben gets the 2nd rose and OMCH shows up to let us know that there is only one rose left...it goes to Nick so Jared and his bad stubble have to go and so dies this week's kiss count. But the whiny drama count is definitely going to go back up with both Shawn and Nick remaining. Jared spends his time leaving K by assuring her that it will be okay and that he hopes she finds the right man for her, very classy of him, but I hate when the Bach/ette makes the person that they are kicking out have to do all the emotional work of keeping both peeps reassured - you are the one with the power, do not force them to 'be strong'.


Nick one on one:
They go exploring and of course they have to enter a church...
In the evening portion they meet at a former jail - and Nick tells us about the first time he touched 'privates'

Nick starts to snitch on Shawn but tries to pretend that he wasn't going to throw him under the bus. K and Nick has what for them counts as a tiff - but she of course offers him the Fantasy suite date and he of course accepts it. K pretends that they are going to stay in one of the cells as the fantasy suite...Nick because all he wants to do is bang her happily accepts it then finds out that it was a joke. He comes close to saying "in here, outside I just want to --- (insert his real thoughts) ---- hang out with you."


So to put it bluntly, they bang one out and sit around the next morning like an old married couple with K in a robe and Nick with his shirt off.

Cut to Shawn pacing in his room and then asking the front desk for Nick's room number. He goes to Nick's room to confront him and finally lays into Nick saying that he does not think Nick is there for the right reasons. He calls Nick arrogant, cocky and an asshole (or the perfect candidate for this show). The show fades out with the usual 'To be continued'

Oh look its Brady and Britt trying to do a long distance relationship,
Britt even when alone with just Brady sounds like she is giving an interview.