R.I.P. Nelson Mandela

He was an amazing man, a man that shaped alot of my youth (I was very angry at the white man's treatment of blacks) and calmed me down and showed me that ill treatment does not have to be met with abuse. My parents taught me to idolize him and I thank them for it. So often we find out that our idols have feet of clay but Mr. Mandela never seemed to be of that nature.

I remember vividly walking around my house singing "Free them President Botha" the song that as a kid I was taught as part of the 'struggle against apartheid'. Quick history Botha was the head of South Africa in the 80s and his government kept up a brutal crack down on Mandela, his ANC brethren and blacks in general. It has always bothered me that Botha was able to live out his life without ever going to prison - I really believe he should have died in prison, just as many of us feared Mandela would. To my knowledge Botha never apologized for apartheid, I find that hard to stomach but if Mandela could forgive him...maybe I should.

I guess if I really wanted to examine it I could find feet of clay with Mr. Mandela since there were 3 marriages and allegations of infidelity in his first but I cannot, will not dig deeper. I remember the shock I felt when I heard that he and Winnie were divorcing - I could not even process it. I have always just 'left it alone'. In our home it was not even talked about, we did not assign blame to either party we just treated it as "a thing that happened and cannot be explained". I know it briefly rocked my faith in marriage because those two who were so often held up as the ideal of staying together through thick or thin could not stick together. But then, as he often did, Mandela gave me more reasons to hope, I never heard him say anything bad about his ex-wife (maybe he did but again remember I was A. young and B. not ever trying to look deeply) and it made me realize that people could split apart and not hate each other.
[Seems like more and more nowadays Winnie herself may not be as good as we all first thought but hey this is about the great man]

Nelson Mandela always struck me as a man of poise, graciousness and strength of character, I sadly do not think enough of today's youths know who he is and honor and respect him enough. Hopefully his death, like much of his early life will renew in young black youth a sense of purpose a sense of internal pride and maybe just maybe a moment of deep reflection.

Good bye sir.

Ben Affleck is the new Batman

My twitter brother from another mother  @swalloween generated this meme

"I'm trying to give Halle Berry a baby and nobody can stop me" Drake, on the Versace remix. Poor Migos they did the original Versace track and few give them any credit it is all about the "Drake verse"

I also love that Halle is still getting music shout outs that woman is glorious!

Bachelorette finale or How I lost hours of my life to crappy poetry

We start with a live LA studio audience…otherwise known as ABC’s attempt to stretch this show out longer and longer. Long overdrawn shots of Des looking out over a harbor with her telling us how broken she is over the Brooks departure and a lot of snot. Chris Harrison plays show therapist (D’s words) and to be fair he does not do a great job as a therapist, he just drops his voice and lets her cry then nudges her back to the 2 guys that are still left.

Listening to Des with Chris Harrison you can be pretty certain that Drew has no chance (Chris has very little hope for a long term love also since Des says she wants to go home) because Des basically describes him like you would about a runt of a litter.

Chris and Drew show up to see Des and Chris Harrison points out to them the obvious…Brooks is not here. Des then leads with “you might notice that Brooks is not here” the use of the obvious is rife on this show. Des proceeds to break down infront of the guys while talking about Brooks leaving…how can these guys see this and still propose? Des gives both the option to not accept their roses, D thinks the guys should just peace out now.

Chris says it is hard to see her cry, (D yells “Brainwashed”) poor guy does not realize that Des is crying for another man. It is late at night so I am using that as an excuse for skipping the live crowd segments, but the truth is, I probably would not watch any of it anyway. I am already shocked enough that people read my blog recaps, I do not think you want to read my recap of other peoples recaps. I tried to stomach one of the in-crowd segments but once I heard the phrase “team Chris” I was already tuning out – we have over used the “team-X” phraseology.

Drew and Des take horses down to the water and Des says she has “a lot riding on today” analogy much? Des in her confessionals is basically saying “over it”. Drew makes a toast to “being madly in love” uh oh! She cries her way through telling Drew that she is dumping him…while holding his hand. My words with friends app freezes while this is happening and it is still more dramatic than this breakup. Drew is so calm during this breakup that I cannot help but think he secretly wanted it. Drew walks away from their beach picnic and appears to walk for awhile to the minivan waiting for him…did the minivan just wait there the whole time? Normally someone does not leave the date so why was it there? How did Drew know where to walk? How many times did they have to direct him to the spot? Or most realistic of all, how long did they have to scramble to find a minivan and delay Drew so that they could have the clichéd drive away…

Chris gets to go on another boat with Des. Des sounds like she is trying to talk herself into Chris, they are so boring together that they have made what looks like a good date look blah – though much of this might have to do with the over exposition that occurs with Des’ confessionals. I think Aaron Sorkin may have written this episode of the Bachelorette (yeah yeah I know ‘Reality’).

It is an hour in and no poems from Chris, I think something is up! Chris brings up meeting Des’ parents she says that is okay but the pause, oh it was pregnant. Chris gives Des a journal and she reacts like she has found buried treasure, I react with revulsion because I know, I just know poems are going to be in it…and I am right! I should have gone to bed instead of watching this. I am pretty sure that Des whispers “I want you to stay the night” or something similar, but I am so over this I am not rewinding to confirm.

We come back from a commercial and Des is again leaning on the railing overlooking the bay, I bet there is a worn out spot on that rail. Des introduces Chris to her family, I perk up a bit because the bro is there. Des’ bro asks Chris rational questions like is he concerned that she might have a stronger connection with other people…is he psychic or did the producers feed him knowledge? Des claims to be worried about what her brother would/will ask Chris, if that were legit, he would not be there.

We get the pull aside, Chris and Des’ dad sit uncomfortably close together on a patio, have to frame those shots. Chris asks Des’ dad for his permission, quickly given. The family interrogation of Chris is quickly over and I am ticked…not enough questions from the bro, I think they sedated him.

Des and her bro have a ‘heart to heart’ he approves of Chris, I am disappointed. The bro brings up Brooks and Des responds like she is giving a TV interview, I much prefer the bro to Brooks, oh if only we had, had the brother as the Bachelor and Des as the background fluff.

We get our seasonal appearance by Neil Lane, I know he can make some good stuff but jeez he creeps me out when he tries to fake sincerity. Chris picks a rock that is so huge I think he is having a hard time picking it up. Chris keeps talking as if he thinks Drew is still there…was Des told to not let him know he was the only one? Were the guys always sequestered from each other…how does he not miss seeing him around the hotel? Eh too many questions this blog.

Chris walks up to meet Des on the ‘fake’ proposal spot. I notice that Des’ earrings seem to match the ring Chris picked out, these are the things you notice when bored. Chris is about to propose but Des stops him, she has to unburden herself about Brooks first…again are you sure you want to propose here man? Chris listens to her cry for another man and still takes the knee (with the fake turn the ring directly to the camera which is either added later or earlier to the footage). Des promises to call him everyday…I am good without that promise (then again I am single). It is a bit funny that the guy that faked a proposal in the first episode is the guy dropping to his knee for a ‘real’ proposal at the end of the season.

There is the after the final rose special…can I make it through?

Brooks shows up, claims to be nervous. Des asks what happened: and we get a quick reminder of how boring Brooks is. Brooks is told that Des and Chris are engaged and he has more the look of a man who dodged a bullet and less the look of a shocked man.

Drew is next on stage and the snore fest continues. Drew says no regrets and claims he is no longer in love with Des. "Were you ever really bro?"

Chris is brought out next and does not seem to be bothered by the fact that his girl was more in love with Brooks than she was with him. Des is moving to Seattle she sounds ‘enthusiastic’. And of course Chris breaks out another poem, this time framed with all the roses from the rose ceremonies. Look dude we all know you got the girl and she likes cheesy poetry but was it not enough you tortured us throughout the season…must you do this to us again?

Juan Pablo is announced as the new Bachelor…ladies are probably going to love this season

Bachelorette recap - Antigua forget the Barbuda and forget the happily ever after!

[Editors note "Wow I am really far behind on posting this and the finale" I write them the night of but usually delay posting and I just forgot, so here is a bonus 2 posts in one hour type of thing]

This week we go to Antigua but first we are given a 'previously on the Bachelorette' that lasts 10 minutes and 53 seconds, thank god for DVR or I would have shot myself and the 2 persons watching it with me. And they would have accepted the sweet release.
 

Drew is first

So of course walking around they find a mini street carnival cause seriously the Eastern Caribbean just parties all the damn time. They sit down for a picnic and Drew shows us that he cannot peel a pineapple.
 

It is raining which ruins the dinner with the bonfire that Des claims she planned for them – can we stop pretending that the Bachelorette or Bachelor actually set these dates up. So we get to see them kissing under an umbrella beside a fire that is rapidly going out, then walking to the fantasy suite that was just STEPS AWAY. So yup fake make out session. Drew is offered the fantasy suite card despite the fact that they are already in the fantasy suite (because of rain). D and E are still convinced he is gay, he does not do a tonne to dispel that when he uses long speeches that seem forced.
 

Drew does a move I can respect he takes a bit of control and turns to the camera peeps and says “okay guys time to go…” the camera pans out and we here Des say “it’s hot in here” which I am assuming is code for “take your clothes off”.
 

Brookes is sort of up next…

I say sort of because we find Brookes going back home to talk to his family about Des. Brooks is admitting that he is not sure about his love for Des. He tells his mom and sister that the physicality is there…awkward.
 

Chris is actually up next
E points out that he is rocking the V-neck. We knew there had to be one in this episode. D thinks Des is not going to age well “She already has old woman face”. They take a helicopter over to Barbuda which is treated like it is subordinate to Antigua (which Des cannot pronounce properly by the way) I guess no one told the Bachelorette producers that they are a TWIN island Republic. There is some rolling around in the sand and kissing. They both claim to be feeling each other and this date is still boring.
 

We are all sitting here anticipating if Chris is going to break out a poem. Everything he does we think means poem moment. He says “here is the thing” and we expected a poem instead he tells her about Seattle, he touches the pockets of his pants and we exclaim “he is reaching for a poem.”. By the way they set up their mics right beside every bug in the island there is constant chirping throughout the meal. Des really says like a lot, like a whole lot, like she can turn a whole sentence into a like fest.
 

Chris is offered the fantasy suite and claims he wants it just to spend time with her and gaze at the stars. And you guessed it, I know you guessed it…he has a poem. It is as terrible as we knew it would be so we spend the time making jokes about how awesome it would be if Des’ brother just popped up out of nowhere.
 

Brooks is I guess up next…

He appears in a V-neck, there is a knocking at his villa door and it is Chris Harrison. Chris appears to be faking concern as Brooks tries to hype the drama. I am guessing Chris’ inner monologue is “don’t yawn, don’t yawn, nod your head”. Chris finally cuts to the chase “are you not sure, or are you not in love with this woman?” I am thinking no guy turns down the fantasy suite when they have come this far…but then I raise the point that maybe Brooks already had sex with her. D raises another point maybe Des had sex only with Brooks “which is why he is over it and the other guys are still so sprung”.
 

Brooks’ hesitation with falling in love is actually the rational response after only 2 months but this is not great for the show or its premise. Chris Harrison really looks pissed that he has to work more than 2 minutes in this episode. He tells Brooks that he has to be the one to tell Des and I just know it is because he doesn’t want to have to exert the effort.
 

The producers are setting Des up sooooo hard; her pre date interview is all about how much she loves Brooks and would immediately accept his proposal and how great their date is going to be…uh oh. Brooks takes her to sit down and Des starts to get “oh no” face, her brain is starting to process it before the words escape Brooks’ lips. He takes forever to get to the point. He tells Des “please don’t cry” from my experience those are words that never work.
 

Des curls into a protective ball when she realizes what is happening. Des tells Brooks that she loves him and he then says “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?” Is he hinting that if she had said it first he would have said it too? There really is a tonne of cheesy music this episode. Brooks looks bored and tired with pretending to care, he is holding the side of his head in his hands but it looks like the boredom pose not the ‘I am so stressed’ pose.
 

So a tonne of this is boring and drawn out so let me comment again here JAMAICA WE NEED TO GET the Bachelor/Bachelorette. The damn show makes every location look amazing we need the tourist dollars and we are so much better than all these other locations. Antigua and Barbuda is a backwater destination compared to us…let’s get on this. D brought up a point earlier that it would suck to be the guy picked and then see Des go on all the dates and all the kissing she did earlier in the season.
 

Then his point is immediately validated by Des claiming she only wanted to be with Brooks even when she went on other dates blah blah. So if she ends up picking Drew or Chris they are going to have to sit there and realize she NEVER EVEEEER wanted to be with them. Brooks and Des finally break apart and we get a shot of Des sitting on the pier bawling…again have fun with that whomever guy gets picked. E points out “At least he gets to leave in a limo.”
 

Des in her confessional basically admits to what I just typed above – she does not love the remaining 2 guys as much as they love her.

So quick recap,
Brooks dumps Des
2 guys are left that she does not love
The show squeezed 2-3 more hours out of this
Des continues her streak of having me stare at the screen and think "What the hell are you wearing?"
 

Bachelorette the Men tell all or Hey how about a recap of the season that you probably slept through

Tonight it is the men tell all episode.

They copy the last season move of having the Bachelor/bachelorette sneak up on a group watching the show. The problem is both Sean and Des lack the charisma to carry a fun appearance. This time they take it on the road and go to New York and along with Des other past Bachelors and Bachelorettes. I know this is cynical of me but I suspect that it is because Des lacks personality and they knew they would need buffers.
 

We also have a taped segment with Des getting advice from former Bachelorettes on how to handle the ‘Men Tell All’ episodes. Apparently Des cannot think for herself on anything. I didn’t bother to pay attention to this part.
 

The men are introduced and as always there are people I forgot about. They show Will the ‘black guy’ and D immediately yells “token black guy” I hate that I agree. We get a quick recap of the first night and see the creepiness of Jonathan with his ‘Fantasy suite’ push, and Kasey the ‘hash tag guy’, Brian the guy with the secret girlfriend. Maybe this is what I should do next season, just skip the whole show and just watch the men tell all and get the full recap via this forum.
 

They discuss Brian, (who declined the invitation to show up) and of course the guys pile on because what else do you expect them to say? “Hey he should do the show while keeping a lady back home.”
 

We move on to Ben – He gets the ‘hot seat’ treatment: Chris starts him off slow with a video recap and we get to hear Ben again talk about not wanting to wait to date new girls [once he is booted]. Benis asked why there was a divide between himself and the other men, he claims it is because he aggressively pursued Des. Ben does the ‘pretend that no one saw you on the show move’ as a fan of denial myself I can respect it.

Ben is accused of faking the bond with his son and of cheating on his girl. Ben claims to be a very good father but is not vociferous in his denials. I have no idea if Ben is a good or bad father, but I do know that my dad would be yelling a lot more viciously at anyone who questioned his worth as a father…then again my dad would never be on this show so scratch that.
 

James takes the next spot on the hot seat and we see his recap. He is asked exactly what he said to cause the guys to accuse him of trying to be the next Bachelor. The women in the crowd are listening to him but shaking their heads…I remain amused but too lazy to type the entire recap. James and Mikey T. both bring up good points but the audience and the other guys are not prepared to handle the truth. Mikey T stands up to confront Kasey, this is so far Kasey’s night he has taken over much of the conversations and much of the interviewing. Juan Pablo takes a sneaky shot at James and says he would not want his daughter or sister to date him.

The spray tan is strong on a tonne of these guys.
 

Juan Pablo is up next and the women in the audience go gaga. Unlike Ben when they bring up Juan Pablo’s child we see clips of him interacting with his daughter. If you just saw the clips of Juan Pablo interacting with Des you would have assumed that he won the show. Apparently his daughter has picked up Des’ accent and I feel so so so so so sorry for the daughter.
 

Zak is next, his recap gets to show us how much more personality he had than the other guys. Zak brings up the fact that he spends half of his year on the oil rig - that has to be murder on a sexual relationship. They finally read the poem that Zak wrote to Emily and it is immediately better than any of the poems Chris has written.
 

Des is back in a very sparkly dress. D and I disagree vehemently about her body, I think it is stunning he hates it. Des goes after Ben but she does not hammer him like the girls who gave her ‘advice’ wanted her to. Des thinks she was manipulated by James, I do not think that would be too hard…Des attempts again to say Juan Pablo’s name and fails miserably, this seems like a failure of the American school system. Our boy Zak is analyzed by Des and she appears to have cut him because he smiled too much, yeah I do not get it either. Zak then sings a song to Des, I await the news that he now has a country music deal, I really thought that earlier in the season he said he only knew how to play/perform one song. Women in the audience are wiping tears from their eyes at the end of the song.
 

There is a quick blooper reel, I chuckle a bit. And then Chris Harrison promos the upcoming episodes, I am only watching the promo because D wants to see it, otherwise I do not trust a word from Chris Harrison since he leads with “this is the most dramatic…” blah blah blah come on Chris we know! The promo leaves many of the women in the audience with their mouths agape. It leaves me thinking, “great job by the editing team.” While the credits run they have some audience interviews and the women interviewed are really passionate about Des’ love life.

I hate myself

Bachelorette recap and the Zak Attack is no more

We start in Dallas, Texas with Zak. The camera shows him sketching but as yet we do not know what it is…for now just a circle (guess it makes sense to practice those). I really want Zak to win but it does not seem like Des hangs on his words the way she does for Brooks’ words. Zak takes her on his family’s snow cone truck and they serve a tonne of kids snow cones while Zak dresses up in a penguin outfit.

They go to meet Zak’s family and there is a tonne of joyous hugging that just seems built for the camera, only sociopaths are this joyous to wrap someone in their arms that they have just met. Zak’s mom pulls Des aside to talk to her and I love her Texas accent – I miss hearing that daily. Zak’s mom tells Des to look for that spark to know if there is love. Might not be the best thing to tell the girl that is in a competitive dating show, I fear foreshadowing.

Zak’s sis does a good job of playing him up, good cheerleader there. Zak and his mom sit side by side and I really think we need to see Zak’s birth certificate, he and his mom look a little too close in age. Zak’s family sings the song that he ‘claims he wrote for Des’ though I suspect he wrote that song prior and it just worked out that he was on the talent show. D thinks Zak’s sis is going for a record deal. He also thinks that Zak should not tell Des that he loves her “Never say it first” such a cynic this kid is...If you cannot find love on a dating show with multiple cameras following you where can you find it? By the way Zak gave Des a ring...yup a ring.

Drew is up next in Arizona and D again yells “gay” the minute Drew comes on screen. Drew as if hearing D immediately plants kisses on Des, it seems forced and I will give D this…Drew has an effeminate laugh and I think that is what is casting suspicion (which of course means nothing, I am just trying to find reasons). We also find out that this will be the first time Drew’s dad will be entering his Mom’s house – Awkward.

Drew takes Des to meet his disabled sister and this feels exploitative. D notices that Des was “not expecting this”. The parents do the pull them aside to talk to them routine, Drew’s dad calls his daughter an angel no one will argue that. Drew and his mom hold hands when they talk…not sure my feelings on that I just know it is different! Drew tells his dad he wants to marry Des and the dad says “Bring this girl back into our family” good pep talk and all but something just does not seem right. Things all seem too perfect. Drew takes Des aside and tells her he loves her and keeps repeating it, almost as if he is trying to convince himself.

Chris is next in Oregon and like every stereotype of Oregon we have to see Chris on a trail and he is picking wild flowers for Des. D and I turn to each other at the same time and utter “If this dude reads another poem/no more bloody poems”. Chris takes Des to the baseball field and why not a few forced baseball puns “That was a catch, no you are a catch”. We do not get a poem, we get sketches from Des - Chris says this is “something that only her and I have” one problem Chris she STOLE THIS FROM ZAK!

Des meets Chris’ family and like Zak’s they look like they had their make up done for camera. Chris’ dad offers to give Des a lumbar adjustment and does it immediately, nothing weird about that. Chris and his dad have a talk and the dad asks if Des is eating right…yeah I don’t know either. And I am not touching the whole nose adjustment thing Chris was getting while his dad was talking to him. Chris is nervous that Des and his mom are talking for a long time - he should not be. His mom brings up a great point to him “you guys are not in the real world, what is going to happen when you jump back into the real world?”

Brooks is up next in Salt Lake City and he claims that it feels like a year since he saw Des, basically intimates that he had forgotten about her. Des and Brooks have a picnic it was boring, she breaks out a list of all the ‘amazing moments’ they had. Cue in Penny from ‘Happy Endings’. 

  They enter a canoe and I hope they fall in, sadly all they do is take on water because Brooks tries to stand in a canoe…I do not trust his pretense of this being a regular thing. They cut to the commercial and drop a beautiful gem on me…there is a San Diego casting call, I plan to force D to go. July 26^th the day that could be the best moment of my life.

We meet Brooks’ family and get the usual overwhelming hugathon. I have seen a lot of pastel shirts on this show tonight. I am starting to think all these meals are catered, everyone’s family meal has looked amazing can there really be this many good cooks?

Des and the mom talk, blah blah. Brooks’ brothers grill him blah blah. He and Des are so bland. Brooks is talking to a young lady and I do not know if it is a sister or a sister in law but she tells him that in a marriage you should miss when the other person is not there…hmm see above. I think D and I are having show fatigue we have barely paid attention during the Brooks hometown, we have however spent a decent amount of time talking about getting him on the Bachelor.

Des’ brother shows up, the moment we have all been waiting for. Des’ brother mentions that Des did not talk to him for a couple months after he “screwed it up” for her on the Bachelor. Damn it Des’ brother is calm, biggest let down of the season other than realizing that Des was the Bachelorette.

Chris Harrison does his lord of the manor thing and questions Des, he really really really tries to help Des down a path by pointing out again that Brooks is the only one that has not told her he loves her, Des just pushes past that.

Des is doing her confessional speech and says that nothing can get in the way and the video shows the guys walking in with Chris Harrison and her brother creepily peering from behind a wall. Oh Bachelorette editors sometimes you are the best.

Brooks gets the first rose, then Chris and now it is down to best Buds Zak and Drew…and the homie Zak has to go home. Part of why I have been able to stomach this season is because Zak was quirky. Des is so bland that it was fun watching Zak be goofy around her. What we have left is 3 cookie cutter corny chaps and a weak personality Bachelorette  - it cuts down on the value of the show, and apparently the ratings reflect it.

Zak is confused in the limo, keep your head up man, you now have a good 4-5 year run meeting random strange in bars as the featured attraction in “Meet Zak from the Bachelorette” bar flyers.

The Bachelorette makes a federal case

We invade Madeira which is owned by Portugal even though it is closer to African countries…just saying.
 

Des claims to be bringing out 3 of her girlfriends to give her advice and shockingly its 3 girls from her season of the Bachelor (Jackie, Lesley M aka the one I wanted as the Bachelorette and Catherine), I get the feeling Des no longer has ‘regular friends’. Sean’s fiancé was instructed to “give Des good advice”…vague much?
 

The ladies begin scoping the guys out with binocs and yup it is as creepy as they said it was. Des claims the girls have confirmed for her she made the right decision…how did they do that Des? They didn’t meet the other guys prior nor were they able to talk to these guys to confirm any of your judgments.

Brooks and Des literally have a date in the clouds, they are on a mountain in Madeira and the clouds wrap around them and they make a lot of cloud 9 references. Earlier as they were driving up the mountain I mentioned that it looked a lot like Jamaica, D hit me with a great joke “Except those are actual clouds and not clouds from weed smoke” – I hate him so much right now...for beating me to the joke. The more I see how beautiful Madeira is, the more I want some African country to just go in and claim it.
 

Brooks admits that he is not as in love with Des as she is with him…but he is ‘smart’ enough to do it in a confessional and not to her. Fireworks go off in the night sky and Des makes this statement “when I kiss Brooks fireworks go off” she then does the sound effects and pantomimes the fireworks…I want her to get hit by one.

Oh and let’s see if she kisses all 5 guys tonight. I say she does, D says No!
 

Chris is up next, he and Des take a yacht to a private island and share a picnic, then he breaks out a bottle and Des immediately knows that it is “message in a bottle” time. Suspicious. Des and Chris write awful poetry together to place in the bottle so that someone else might find it, read it and throw up. By the way people, messages in a bottle are just LITTERING! They go and throw the bottle into the ocean and we learn that not only does Chris write bad poetry he cannot throw.
 

At their dinner Chris is planning to tell Des that he is falling in love with her and of course he has to read it to her via a poem…Des says she didn’t expect him to tell her in this way – Has she not been hanging out with him? All he ever does is spout bad poetry.
 

Michael the federal prosecutor is up next – is he still a Fed prosecutor at this point? Seems like he has a lot of free time. Michael says that if you had a scavenger hunt for the woman with 47 great points Des has 48, I may not have that verbatim cause I was struggling to keep my dinner down while he spoke. Michael reveals personal stuff to Des, dad not home, he is a great prosecutor (okay I know he did not say it blatantly but wow did he hint it) and type 1 Diabetes, that admission shocks D out of his stupor.
 

We continue the streak of singers performing on the show that I do not know…granted this is a Madeiran singer but hey it counts. By the way, Des is 3 for 3 kissing guys.
 

The 2 on 1 date is next which might make it less likely for a 5 for 5 kissing streak. The 3 head off to a go-kart track. It is Drew vs my favorite Zak, I think I may have won over D and E to my side and they are now rooting for Zak. Zak and Drew are racing each other and Zak takes the early lead in the race and it is interspersed with interviews with the guys; both guys make references to "love is like a race" or some such nonsense and it is clear that they were led there by the producers no way do they both independently carry this level of corniness.
 

Zak has a sketch book that just mysteriously appears in his lap. I swear that when they walked off for private time they had wine glasses only. Anyway Zak does the thing and allows me to yell out 4 for 4! D lacked faith but I assured him that it was a guarantee Des would kiss all 5 tonight…Drew has the personality of a wet blanket but I have faith in him even he can seal the deal.
 

D is still convinced that Drew is gay; I think he is just awkward around Des not repulsed by her. Drew brings up his sister to Des, she is severely mentally impaired (the sister not Des) and I am saddened that it feels like a ploy for sympathy and the kiss and THERE IS THE KISS FIVE FOR FIVE! YES YES YES. Back to the sister thing, I am not sure how to feel I admire him for taking care of his sister (though at the same time that is what you should do) and I admire him for being okay enough to talk about her BUT, at the same time it felt like a ploy.
 

Drew secures the rose that really should have gone to our boy Zak, but Zak didn’t play the family tragedy card.
 

So we go to the cocktail party and the inevitable interview with Chris Harrison (free trip to Madeira).

I pretty much zoned out on all of her convo with Chris Harrison, I was busy renewing my fantasy football leagues (yes I do manly stuff). I think Des admits to being in love with Brooks. Brooks gets the first rose (shocking I know), then Chris then…our boy Zak makes it. Thankfully, we get to see Zak take Des to Texas – this I cannot wait for.

 Michael gets to talk it out with Des and says something thoroughly stupid “It is going to be hard to date...because no girl is going to match up to you”. Come on man, you do know women watch this show right? Way to let the next girl you hook up with know upfront that she is not good enough.
 

Michael calls his mom from the car while crying and I start to see more of this guy’s psyche than I ever wanted to see. The mom said “here we go again” never a good sign when that phrase is used about your love life. Just saying…
 

The previews reveal the thing we have been waiting all season for, in fact it might be the reason why Des was picked as the Bachelorette – the arrival of Des’ brother. And yup he looks as stalkerish as ever.

Bachelorette July 1st, oh Barcelona Bull Fights are not the worst thing to happen to you

Tonight we invade Barcelona. Drew has the first one on one and both E. Money and D immediately proclaim him “SOoooooo gay” crazy to see how quickly and immediately they both said the same thing. E, was surprised his umbrella was not a rainbow. Drew breaks out his sob story and tells us his dad is a recovering alcoholic and big in AA I yell “way to make it anonymous”

They walk past some street musicians who just happen to be posted up in their alley way but mysteriously do not have a hat or bucket or anything to get money they are clearly just playing for the love…or for the show.

Des and Drew are sitting down at the table then Drew grabs her hand and takes her running off down an alley for a ‘private’ make out session. To really sell the ‘realism’ the Bachelorette adds in some post production sounds of frantic running and even show us one of the many camera men to make it seem more real but he only makes it about 200 feet before he starts making out in “private”. Once he gets the safety of the Rose he then dimes out James and his alleged plans to be the next Bachelor.

For the group date they go to play football…remember there is a professional footballer on the show. They end up playing a professional team, a women’s professional team. Kasey expresses shock that they are going to play a team, you know despite the fact that they always play a team when in any competition. The women’s team smokes them with James in the goal who absolutely should be castrated for his effort.

They all go to the dinner portion of the date and Des starts reading some poetry to Chris because you know Poets and stuff. Her poetry is terrible, absolute junk and of course Chris has to look like he loves it. I have no idea if he does or not but no way does he tell her the truth if he thinks it sucks.

Kasey et al pull James to the side to accuse him of saying that he planned to be the next Bachelor. James accuses them of using hearsay while addressing Michael (the Federal prosecutor) I like that he has been watching his 'Law and Order'. James does my move of trying to attack the attackers and finding one nugget of truth and hammering it in, in this case – the fact that Michael was not actually present for the alleged conversation. That is the way to do it, find something you can attack and go for it even if it does not matter one bit in the grand scheme.

Des declares no rose for the group date because she needs time to confront James. She starts to ask him all the questions that the guys have told her. James does a good move as above and attacks a single area and attacks it hard, he claims the guys are jealous and as E said “pauses long enough to work up the man tears”. Des needs time to think, so she has to walk away then comes back to say she needs even more time and will have to sleep on it.

The guy all assume that James is not returning and then he walks in and actually does something smooth: “Gentlemen, [pause] Good night [icicles hang in the air]” walks off. And I want to applaud him.

Zak gets the one on one. I may not have said this yet but he is my favorite on this show just because he is so goofy (remember last week he yodeled). So tonight they go to an art studio and take drawing lessons the first model walks in steps on the podium and everyone assumes he is going to strip…but he does not. Then a second model comes out and yup we have a nude model situation, the look on Zak’s face is again a reason to love him on this show, he had the look of someone who was told to prepare for a surprise rectal examination. Zak breaks out his own body (shielded by a brief) for Des to draw…only the supremely confident could risk that.

James and Drew have an argument and James says the most honest thing anyone on the show has ever said “this is not a normal situation” while referring to the show. The guys all have a team meeting without James; it’s the Real World house “house meeting y’all”. Every one of the guys is dressed casually but James comes in rocking a formal shirt and designer jeans and sandals…not a good look son. By the way casually for these guys means V-necks all around.

Des in her stand up claims that she plans to send James home then they begin the talk and we cut to another stand up of Des where she is now confused about sending him home. James manages to confuse Des with his words, not that hard. James is sweating so hard that it looks like he is lactating yet by the time he returns to the room, his shirt is completely dry…I have to wonder if they A. switched his shirts for him or B. the time periods in between the shots is ridiculously long or C. it is edited out of order.

The guys again confront James (Zak chills in the background like a G) and James comes off perfectly reasonable, he points out that the show is not real life, that people think about other people when they are not committed to someone blah blah blah. Basically he says things normal people would think about when entering a reality show and the other guys just cannot fathom it.

Des is seen staring at the pictures to make her decision and I forgot how much I missed those ridiculous fake decision making moments.

Rose ceremony time and a bombshell is dropped, three people are going home tonight. And they are James, Juan Pablo and Kasey. Michael gets to stay and then makes another legal reference…thanks again man nothing like making lawyers look like tools.

 

Bachelorette recap - Ding Dong the Ben is dead

Our night begins with an Aerial shot of the Swiss Alps and of course there is yodeling – cliché much? One of the guys mentions that he has never been to Europe, then a beat later he says “this is probably one of the best hotels in Germany” How can you know? Okay looks like I am already starting to ask too many questions of a show that makes little to no sense. 

The same guy who last week thought that he should go home, of course immediately starts bringing it up again. Nothing like getting that free trip to Europe first. He starts roaming the streets looking for Des and her one on one date by asking random strangers if they have seen people with television cameras. Brian claims he hopes it will not affect the one on one date…if so homie why not wait till the date is over?
 

The roomie catches Des saying Brian broke her heart…really Des? He broke your heart? The guy who told you that he wanted to go home and you convinced him to stay? That guy?

The one on one date was painfully boring, and our streak that was broken last week by Darius Rucker showing up quickly resumes: NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE MUSICAL ACT ON THE SHOW IS. I was so confident that I would not know who it was that I fake bet the roomie that neither he nor Jess (yes we have roped someone else in) would know the name of the musical act.

Thr group date is on Germany’s tallest peak. They all go sledding and Zack forces an analogy “Love is like sledding down this hill” I really wanted him to add “It’s cold and wet”.

Michael claims that he is willing to murder Ben on his 2-1 date and clearly others are fine with it because a tweet comes across the screen agreeing with the sentiment (while some of these tweets are funny overall as a thing they are bloody annoying).
 

The group date continues and they go to a giant igloo/Ice Hotel. The first take aside moment of course ends with Des taking charge and demanding a kiss, a kiss that if the guy initiates it looks a bit molesty…just saying. Zack looks a little creepy hanging out in the background, then attempts a sing songy yodel interrupting Mikey T’s set up for the kiss moment.
 

The 2-1 begins with an awkward limo ride and it gets more awkward with Michael making a forced legal analogy of Ben being found guilty of fraudulent impersonation of a Southern gentleman or some such similar nonsense. I cannot know for sure because I started groaning and holding my head in my hands because his ridiculous statement came not 10 seconds after I said “please please do not embarrass attorneys”
 

Michael plays the, you are not a good father card with Ben, it might be a low blow but mainly incredibly awkward. Michael goes into prosecutor mode and starts asking Ben questions that he does not seem to be able to answer. But he is definitely pushing too hard and it may be backfiring, Des is clearly uncomfortable and Michael keeps pushing. Ben walks away from the table rather than answering the questions he has been asked – really the questions do seem fair, the rat-a-tat nature of them and the clever editing make it seem like he was put upon. Des gets up from the table to go look for Ben. Now that Ben has had time to ‘formulate’ answers he has them all ready for Des.

But despite all his answers Ben does not get the rose and a bit more of the real Ben comes out. One of his questions on the limo ride of shame is “How long before I can be seen in public with someone?” He also expresses regret that Michael made it further than he did. It all sounds like he was more concerned with winning than finding love…excuse me while I recover from writing that trite phrase.

They do the Chris and Bachelorette recap interview, he has clearly been listening to my roomie because he brings up with Des that she has kissed a lot of guys. Des then says she is a 100% sure that she does not want to have a cocktail party. Now this is shortly after expressing her fear that a guy might be here for the wrong reason…way to not give yourself more time to find out…

The cancellation of the cocktail party means that the guys who had plans to tell Des bad things about James no longer have that opportunity. There are many instances of persons saying…”for the right reasons” The rose ceremony begins with all the suitable fake dramatic music and stare downs. Hmm shocking, shocking the roses come down to the 2 guys that the others think might be there for the wrong reasons…yup couldn’t resist. Basically it is a final 2 of guys that kind of look like each other - James and Mikey T. and James gets the rose! Am I wrong for thinking she just figured she would keep the better looking of the 2 copies? Oh come on it has been at least a paragraph since I asked a question!
 

Now that Ben is gone much of the house’s hate turns towards James.

On the “next week” previews it looks like the Bachelorette world tour continues.

The Bachelorette and the Red Cross get into bed together, the relationship was a little Sandy

So the roomie and I joked about watching the Bachelorette together, turns out we were not joking. The show starts with the guys flying to Atlantic City and I am shocked that all of these guys are allowed on planes. One of the guys described AC as Vegas with a beach…I think Vegas just put a hit out on him. 

Des and Brad go on a date together, and end up at a Salt Water taffy store/factory. Des claims to love Salt Water Taffy and I call her a liar, no one loves that stuff, you might like it, you might eat it but no one loves it. They then smell chocolate and go running through the facility with no hair nets or gloves looking for chocolate and find chocolate pretzels on an assembly line and immediately just reach their grubby hands in and grab pieces then add their own syrups etc…that factory should be closed down, clearly they have NO standards. 

The roomie and I are cringing as we watch Des and Brad on an awkward dinner, you know a date is bad when others cannot even watch your date. They climb a tonne of stairs to the top of a lighthouse and then Des drops the bombshell of ‘no rose you have to go!’ Really crappy move Des – not the sending him home part, that made sense since during dinner he had the personality of a dish rag – the crappy move was making him climb enough stairs to leave him panting and then ditching him. 

On the group date the men meet Miss America because they are going to vie for the title of ‘The Bachelorette’s Mr. America’

Roomies' first comment on seeing Miss. America, “this is the most beautiful woman in America?” My first comment “she needs a new stylist”. Yup 2 guys watching a dating show and we dissolve into cattiness…Chris Harrison hosts the beauty pageant, this means Chris Harrison is going to actually have to work this episode. The men are asked the typical beauty pageant questions and perform adequately. At least no one was as bad as Ms. Utah…

The talent competition was as goofy as you would expect and then there was a swimsuit competition…not sure why some of the guys were forced to wear Speedos while others were allowed to wear board shorts. No one mentioned “WORLD PEACE” very disappointing. 

One of the guys reads Des a poem while they are hanging out in a hot tub, the roomie wonders what he is doing wrong on his dates I didn’t have an answer but now I do; to get away with breaking out a book of poems in a hot tub you have to make sure TEN other guys are present.

James and Des get a helicopter tour from the Red Cross for their one on one…to tour the devastation from Hurricane Sandy, I said out loud “this is just an infomercial for the Red Cross” then immediately a graphic pops up “to donate to the red cross”. I appreciate firmly what the Red Cross does, I donate blood, time and cash, but I do not need to see this during a crappy TV show and I certainly do not believe that any normal couple would take a tour of devastation as a part of their date. 

Des and James meet a couple that rode out the storm and again the Red Cross promotion features prominently “tell us about that first night at the Red Cross”. Des and James give their date to the couple that suffered loss in a ‘completely spontaneous gesture’ yes I used ‘-‘ because there is little you can do to convince me that this was not the plan all along. Fine, they did something sweet for an older couple, but then we had to actually watch the old people date! 

James brings up the fact that he cheated on his long term girlfriend and has the look of shock when Des tells him that she suffered through that. He quickly realizes that he made a miscalculation in bringing it up and he starts spinning crap out in the hope that he can quickly cover up his ‘honesty’ with a big pile of BS to hide it. 

We cut back to the old folks date and a waiter comes up to present them with a replica of their photo album - again remember this date was supposed to have been a spontaneous outpouring from Des’ heart? Yet somehow they were able to find a replica album and completely duplicate the album that was damaged by Sandy. All the photos, all the artwork etc…Manny and Jan are going to “Make it Nasty, Make it Nasty”

in the fantasy suite. There is the obligatory musical act and it for once is someone I know; it’s Darius Rucker from Hootie and The Blowfish. Of course the first time they have someone I recognize it is the old persons date. [By the way if you clicked on the make it nasty video...good luck at work.] This was absolutely not a Des and James date, it was a Red Cross infomercial crossed with a Viagra/Cialis commercial. Manny is going to give Jan all that he and medical science think that she can handle. Okay seriosuly click on the Tyga video I am sure you are old enough.

Hahah the roomie is creeped out that Des is apparently going to kiss every guy on the show…I think he is right.

Michael breaks out a cheesy move of forming a word from every letter in Des’s name and she loves it, she really loves cheesy stuff. But I noticed something, we only got to him forming an S card…did he spell out her full name, did he spell it correctly? These are the things we need to know damn it.

The guy that is going home tonight is…look I already forgot his name I think it was Zack but I point this out to say that I called his ejection 10 minutes before it occurred; because the first time I noticed him all episode was at the start of the Rose ceremony, there was no chance he was staying

The Bachelorette and dodging balls to the face

EDIT: I had to alter this to insert this Video. Turns out that Stephanie that crashed the show is actually former Playboy Playmate (or is it once a playmate always a playmate?) Stephanie Larimore the vid is safe for work if your work is cool with rollerblading in panties and an undershirt...I know mine is - we are super casual here.

Tonight’s nonsensical group date challenge is Dodgeball. The National Dodgeball League commissioner greets the guys as they open the doors to a court. The best part is the dodgeball guys trying to look mean, hey bros you are wearing headbands and for many of you your shirts are too tight – and it is not because of muscles. Take these guys off the court and have them just brawl with the Bachelorette guys and I would take the Bachelorette guys 10-1 everytime, and this is not a bunch of tough guys. I write all this to say YOU PLAY DODGEBALL do not try to mean mug, leave that for the Tennis players. 

Of course the guys are eventually split into teams to play each other. The guys are told to slow motion action walk to the battle arena which I really think is the Grove in LA. I know part of this is supposed to be the embarrassment of “look at the guys in the short shorts” but really? It is a TV competition we all know they were forced into it, it is not as if they went out and willingly chose the same size shorts I used to wear in Prep School – Shout out to Mona Preparatory. It is a game of dork champs against dork champs, but to hear these guys describe it, you would think they are battling in the Coliseum; then of course one of them gets hurt and it all gets real. Actually it doesn’t, it was a freak finger breakage nothing more and the kid (Brooks) passes out when they reset it…come on son. Props to the Bachelorette production staff for trying to make it look like a crisis – using shaky camera work and cutting in images of ambulances. 

Brooks returns from the hospital just in time to crash the after party while wearing his gym clothes. Chris wins the group date rose and tells us that he is excited, but clearly no one has told his face. I continue to be 0 for however many in recognizing the performers they have brought on for the private concert dates until their names flash on the screen and many times not even after that. I think my streak there is almost as impressive as any win streak in any major sporting league. 

Chris Harrison calls Des and she has the special iphone that allows us to hear her entire convo while not on speaker phone…I cannot get over Des’ pants I cannot decide if those are peach or just bleached out red. 

Des takes Brian aside to talk to him about being there for “the right reasons” and gets him to say blah blah blah lets get to the part that matters, his girlfriend shows up! Stephanie his girl, claims that she tried to break up with him the day before he came on the show and that he told her he was just going on a business meeting/convention and that he was just going to take a break…well I mean going on the show does count as taking a break. Hahah he told her they would “reconnect May 10^th, the day after filming” I know most will hate him for this, but I like him even more now. I especially like the thought that he left her at home and thought he could get away with being gone for an extended period and nothing would come of it. 

The girl that comes on admits that she has thrown rocks at Brian’s face – I am going to say not the most credible witness, but hey man, if you date a crazy girl, you kind of have to live with the consequences, whether everything she says tonight is the truth or not, those are the breaks. And man tapping it 2 days before filming is a solid move – getting some of that goodbye nookie, maybe in the hope that it carries you for over a month of filming. Stephanie keeps bringing up her son that apparently looks up to Brian, that’s right play the kid card to the guy who already seems like he wants to get away from you.

I fold my laundry during a batch of man tears and expressions of “for the right reasons”.

If I took a shot every time Des describes something as “awesome” I would be obliterated add in Kasey saying “Oh Jeez” and I would be in a coma. They strap in and go down the side of a building to dance, yup I don’t get it either: It kind of looks like a modification of so many other Bachelor/Bachelorette gimmicks.

The 2^nd group date starts with a horse drawn carriage

And we get a Disney tie in; the guys are going to be trained by the stunt team from the Lone Ranger…cuz Disney. Juan Pablo wins the one on one time with Des and they get to go watch the Lone Ranger movie together which leaves me to wonder – “Do the other guys get to watch the movie somewhere else too? And where the hell are they during the Run time for this movie?” Unless they are only watching a clip show they are going to be gone for 2 hours 29 minutes and 21 seconds, yes I looked up the run time, no I am not a geek.

Zak W. who you might remember as shirtless first impression guy thinks he is getting the rose and while he is saying that, Des comes by to pick up the rose to hand to someone else…bummer son. James gets the rose because he plays up the fact that his dad is suffering from a serious pancreatic condition and I am sure his dad is watching at home and feeling better just because of that.

Ben the guy that the other guys think is the villain of the show sneaks away with Des for a quick car trip by waylaying her before she gets to the house to meet the rest of the guys, smart move. Des sets up a pool party in place of a cocktail party and why not? She has a great body and she is confident, makes sense, plus for her she gets to see a tonne of good looking guys with ripped abs. I would try out for the Bachelorette as a goof but I would need nine months of strict discipline to even get my body close to auditioning ready. Yes I suspect great body is step 1 of the process.

Brandon tells her about how harrowing his childhood was and immediately leans in for a kiss – not awkward at all. I am pretty sure the suddenness of it had Des chuckling when he leaned in for it, I replayed it and he whispers “tell you a secret” to get her to lean in.

I just noticed, no matter how big that hot tub is, that was a lot of guys in a small space.

Rose Ceremony time:

Des is a pretty girl, but her outfits, there always just seems to be one really distracting element on them that takes them from good looking to “hmm that could be better”. Apparently someone finally taught Des how to pronounce Juan Pablo’s name.

Dan is dismissed and if you go “who?” then you are like me. The surprising one is that Brandon is also let go, and he is in shock and denial.

His goodbye interview has him crying and saying “once again someone’s left me” this guy was not emotionally stable enough for this show, I almost wish they had screened him out earlier. I do not need to see someone’s emotional trauma for my amusement.

“Right reasons, right reasons…I’m here for you girl for all four seasons.”

No way do I type as much as I did for the Bachelor episodes, because A. I am lazier and B. for now it seems rather boring.

The first date guy reminds me of a curious but timid puppy, he gets scared when he thinks Des is driving them down the wrong street…hey fellah you are on a street on a date with cameras following you, you cannot and will not get jacked. Then he becomes worried that she has plans to remove a barricade, again dude – TV show! OF course there is a band to play to them, and the guy thinks it will get better than this?

Des says she has never "juggled 14 guys at once" and I think “maybe I should search for the Des sextape”.

Good to see Soulja boy is getting work, his street cred was already shot, might as well completely kill it. They make a fake rap video, but if you saw clips of her outfit you would think Des was in a country vid. No need to talk much about that travesty except to allow me to indulge in a racial moment – the black guy was the absolute worst dancer, and I have no idea why Soulja Boy was there…did he write those lyrics?

“Here for the right/wrong reasons” we might set the record for that phrases utterance tonight. And this was written before I realized that the hook for the damn song was "Right reasons" shows how much this show numbs the brain.

Bryden goes on a one and one and tells her about his horrific car accident where he could have died and just happens to have glossy pix of his wreck with him! Look I nearly died in a car accident too, I have the facial scars from it, the horrific surgery/recovery story etc and yet I have never thought to bring it up on a date, and I certainly do not keep pictures from it with me…then again I am single and watching a dating show so eh, what do I know; Looks like it is time for me to start mentioning it to the lasses. Des has to tell him to kiss her – never a good sign for long term chemistry.

Apparently every guy has to share some personal secret tragedy with Des on their first interaction with her.

The guy who already has a rose (Ben) steals her away from the other guys who need the crucial time to get to Des before the rose ceremony. This leaves the guys pissed, and flummoxed and foolishly talking amongst themselves instead of stealing her back.

I recorded the show ‘Mistresses’ that is immediately following the Bachelorette because I really like 2 of the actresses in it, but no way can I watch that with this back to back. Have to watch something a lot more masculine before I can descend into the muck again.

Did the black guy talk to her even once this episode? I see him on camera a lot but I do not think he ever interacts with her. He might as well just wear a ‘Token’ shirt! Maybe Des saw his dancing and decided “Hell no”, I know I would have if I were a woman. Go high five the camera man on your way out, I do not think I can forgive you for that ridiculous B Roll of you walking around town high-fiving everyone.

The show ends with the completed rap video. Des’ body is great, that is the best thing I can say about this video

The women tell all...but not really

The show starts with Sean and Chris going around to Bachelor viewing parties, I feel fine mocking these dorks all getting together to watch the show, then I remember that I sit on my couch texting funny quips to my friends and typing up snarky recaps…I hate myself, just one more week to go. Sean of course is 'forced' to take off his shirt.

 

The ‘fallen’ women are introduced and there are a few that I barely remember, makes sense they showed up for this reunion show otherwise how else will they get those club booking fees?

Des claims she didn’t know what to expect and I think she is either incredibly stupid or just stupidly lying.

 

“You gotta hide your crazy” I am stealing that from Selma.

 Brooke calls the girls out as being jealous of Tierra for taking more initiative. Oh Brooke I see what you are doing here, no one really remembers who you are other than "Hey the Bachelor added darker skin tones" so why not pick a crazy stance that will force people to do a double take at you.

 

Robyn looks better now than on the show, guess money and fame will do it.

We see Tierra putting on an obscene amount of perfume/body spray; What is the Axe for women? Is it Love Spell?

 Tierra comes out to silence; I love how serious the audience takes it.

Tierra starts talking and the women have “bitch please’ face as they listen to her.

I love Tierra, she is like a Batman villain, you know how no matter how many times the Joker gets captured he is unrepentant and continues his crime spree the minute he gets a chance? Well Tierra will always sparkle. Maybe all these women need to realize that Tierra is incapable of saying “good morning” it is not that she hates them it is that she does not see them...Tierra also tells us that maybe she was not all there, when the show was taping "I honestly can't tell you what, every day, happened in the house." – Did she treat it like a hostage situation and just try to blank it out?

 I need a screen grab of Tierra’s ‘stink eye face’.

 When will they get to that gaudy ass rock on Tierra’s finger?

Tierra starts to apologize and I am shocked SHOCKED until she adds the “for you guys thinking [that]”, I am a big fan of the deflection apology.

Tierra throws out that she won “Little Miss. Nevada” and now I realize this is what Honey Boo Boo might become.

Tierra initially hesitates to tell us when she got engaged then confesses that it was in January, hmm that time-line is very suspicious. I had no idea that there are rumors that the fiancé might be fake or the whole engagement staged, the latter I could see but a fully faked fiancé? Is she a former Notre Dame linebacker?

 

 I have to mentally prepare myself because coming up after the break is Sarah. We get to see a rundown of all the challenges Sean put her through; if he had made her compete in a clapping contest followed by chin ups it would not have been shocking after watching that montage. I forgot that when Sean gives her the boot we had to watch her zip up a suitcase, and it gives you quick insight into how easily we forget the value of 2 hands. I have heard a lot of people say that she should be the next Bachelorette and I say to you now…it would not be fun to watch, there would be way more sad moments than fun moments, but hey maybe that would finally convince me to stop watching.

 

It is Des’s (potential Bachelorette) turn in the hot seat but really don’t we all just wish her brother was there also or maybe instead of her? These girls all sound so desperate and like victims when you see their exits all in a row. Des has a chin cleft like a boxer. Trust me do not just google "Deiree's Chin" you have to be way more specific than that if you do not want to just see a parade of Asian girls self-portraits.

 

I think the most amazing thing about AshLee is that she did not turn into a stripper with that spelling and a marriage at 17. AshLee says she is no longer in love with Sean, and it is probably true, that kind of crazy burns fast. She takes a shot at frat boys; come on AshLee, you know you have been with a frat boy or 2 dozen.

 

Sean is brought out and we have to see him and AshLee awkwardly hug and pretend that there is chemistry.

 

That awkward moment when there is a he said she said about the fantasy suite.

 AshLee accuses Sean of telling her that he "had absolutely no feelings" "nothing" for the other women which he of course claims he did not say. Right at this moment my MS word program crashed, makes me wonder if the computer is trying to spare me from myself. Angry AshLee is hot AshLee, I would give her all the money in my wallet if she got pissed at me in a bar, I need counseling. Sean genuinely looks trapped and I think a few things

1.      Sean probably was dumb enough to say something that led AshLee to think the other girls were out of the running

2.      Sean was too dumb to come up with a better answer than "I wouldn’t say that"

3.      Sean was dumb enough to think that he could say something lovey dovey to that brand of crazy and not have it come back to haunt him

a.       She probably badgered it out of him since they "talked all night"

4.      Sean was dumb enough to forget that this is a girl who got married at 17 and likes to yell out random expressions of love

5.      Sean is DUMB

 

Des claims her brother likes Sean, if that is how he shows affection that guy is going to kill someone with affection.

Blooper reel time:

Seeing Chris Harris curse is funny to meShe takes a shot at frat. The girls get caught by all sorts of wild life, even nature hates this show.

As they do a quick montage of the season I wonder how empty the shelves of H&M and Forever 21 in LA become during Bachelor casting season. I wonder if rub and tugs violate Sean’s virginity code, because that is a lot of making out and close contact with a lot of women, especially for a man who already knows what sex feels like.

Ugh next week is 3 hours, and I know I will watch it

 

A doggy montage ends the show and thus I know that dog is dead, yup RIP Magic. 2004-2013.

Cannot shake this, Magic Johnson has had or 'had' (depending on source) HIV since the early 90s, I remember watching his press conference and being really sad because I thought he would be dead in a few years, the world needs whatever cocktail of drugs he used (okay, okay and his wealth to get them).

 

If like me you always assumed the 'tell all' show was heavily edited the LA Times is here with proof  http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/tv/showtracker/la-et-st-women-tell-all-behind-the-scenes-20130304,0,1406591.story Sadly so much of what was left on the cutting room floor seems much better than what we saw.