Bachelor recap or "keep your heart open and love will always find its way in" syke - Episode 7

Okay let us remember this forever: If a girl comes on a show ‘looking for love’ and has an open heart tattoo, she is going to be crazy. That is your instant lesson, and we are still on the, “coming up on the Bachelor” first minute of the show.

By the way this blub from Tierra's Bio is instructive

"If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
My future soul-mate! I just want to meet him already. Someone who it is just as natural and we are best friends!" (sic)
Tierra cry-face

“I am not friends with girls who like my boyfriends” Tierra even when you say something that should make sense, it sounds crazy when I see the look on your face. And…you get to stay in a hotel suite with a real bed but break out a hide-away bed? Because you do not want to share a room with your competition; hey if this is the only way you can sleep, go for it. I suspect Tierra could sleep on a bed of nails tipped with acid and not have a problem with it as long as she thinks it would advance her in the competition.

So Sean and his one-on-one date get to hang out on a luxury boat, but of course to get out there they have to swim to it. Again, to hang out with Sean you have to work out for Sean. Watching them swim just makes me miss the water back home. I love living in Cali, but no one with an ounce of sense would claim the water here is great. Every time I enter the water here I think I have reduced my chance of having kids by percentage points.

 I genuinely loathe these LeVian chocolate diamond ads. Take inferior diamonds, add fancy promotion and a sweeter name than ‘plain old brown’ diamonds then hype the price. Rinse and repeat

Tierra gets the one on one yet still makes pouty face, because there might be bugs and there might be the chance of her makeup running yet she wanted it to be a boat date…I confess I do not know much about makeup but I do know a lot about boats and water: wouldn’t the makeup run after going in the ocean?

AshLee has a big secret to tell Sean and takes six hours to get it out, but of course has to mention her adoption again first, look I know it’s a big deal but yeesh I think I have heard about it every time she has had more than 2 minutes with Sean (actual math may be wrong). Her big secret is that she got married at 17, I thought it was going to be that she killed a man with boredom.

As I am watching my NY Times app says “North Korea is suspected of Conducting 3^rd Nuclear Test” and I am ashamed to say I immediately thought “Must have been to break up this boring ass date”.

“He bought me the most incredible things that a guy can buy on the first date”, this is while Sean and Tierra are walking through a craft market. Uhmm Tierra, every guy that has ever been on vacation with a girl has bought that stuff, I have even bought it for girls I was only mildly interested in, it is the rite of passage for couples on an island vacay. I have never been to St Croix, but I have a hard time believing that this impromptu street carnival is a normal thing, methinks the Bachelor producers had a little thing going on here or the St. Croix department of Tourism realized that they might as well get bang for their advertising buck.

I love Tierra’s either delusion or method of spin, when she claims that the other girls go and do their own thing without inviting her. We should send Tierra to go negotiate with North Korea, she can clearly manipulate men merely by gazing at them and spouting nonsense. She tells Sean she thinks he has been distant and then Sean in his confessional “I didn’t feel like I was being distant, but looking back at it I guess subconsciously I was”. Tierra is a Svengali, she could kill the NK nuclear program in a one hour date with Kim Jong-un. “I thought I hated America, but Tierra told me that what I really hated was the fact that we get the Bachelor on a delay. Thanks to her I now know that bombing the West Coast would forever remove her from my life”. Go Team America.

Now Sean is performing a 4am raid on the girls - yup Sadist. I think Catherine might have a shot to win this whole show. If Sean wasn’t so goofy I would think the whole taking the girls to see the sun rise thing was cool. But it was also ruined for me when he said “we are the first 4 people in America to see the sun rise” and I kept wanting him to add “plus the camera crew, the writers (reality sure), the producers, the security and craft services, but other than them, we are the first 4”. By the way Sean makes it sound like they will not have enough time to drive all the way across the island in one day, let me rob my readers of any disillusionment, the island is only 28miles long by 7 miles. They could have run across it in a day, but hey let’s pretend that using the highway system is impossible.

What the hell, I see 3 American women on a Caribbean beach and nobody has braided hair?  I thought this was reality TV? It is the second week in a row that Catherine gets some camera shine and it is the 2^nd week in a row she tells us a story involving death or potential death: Catherine tells a story about her dad's attempted suicide and it is a heartbreaking story but I swear to you Sean’s first reaction is to smile and say “Thank you for telling me that”. It may have been a nervous smile but good grief son, figure out a better response.

 Lindsay gets the rose despite not telling a sob story like Catherine and Des (my family lived in tents) and drops this gem on us ""I am on cloud nine. The crazy girl that walked in in the wedding dress now has the hometown rose. Nobody saw that coming." Her words tell you all you need to know about her and the choice.

Tierra is really good at the' hideaway and listen in' move after we send her to North Korea; we should just have her spy on whatever enemies we may still have left. I am sure there are some Al Qaida peeps she could easily locate for us. I am drinking a tonne of Jamaican rum while watching this show I wonder if I should read this over before posting. I find it hard to stomach that the “crazy girl that walked in wearing a wedding dress” [her words] is a substitute teacher, I really hope she made up her profession, I really do; this girl cannot be shaping the minds of the impressionable young. Unless she is a substitute teacher like the person who teaches kindergarten PE is a teacher, I can live with that.

I think every girl but Lesley has said she is falling in love with Sean but the thing that gets me the most is how often they say “Uhm”. I would count it, but my head might explode.

Sean’s sister shows up, please, please, please tell me she has some personality. I never get the whole bring a family member in who has not been with you the whole time. How can they help you make a decision if they do not know the girls?

Tierra keeps taking shots at AshLee’s (seriously what the hell is that spelling?) age of 32. I wish I could fast forward to Tierra’s life at 32, I suspect that AshLee’s 32 is going to be a lot better than Tierra’s 32 especially since I think that Tierra already looks older than AshLee so good luck with that. She also tells all the girls that no one can take her Sparkle, don't worry Tierra, no one saw that movie so it is yours to keep.  

But seriously quoting your parents as the ones who have told you that you have "Sparkle" is just like quoting your parents calling you their "special girl" no one cares. And seriously chica, what is up with your eyebrows? You really cannot control them? We should study this; completely independent eyebrows might be a thing!

Tierra is crying in front of Sean and he has the look that I used to have when I was dating a young girl that I knew I should break up with but I was too coward to break up with, she would cry in front of me but because I was just waiting and hoping she would break up with me I would just casually lean back and watch her cry. I think Tierra may have overplayed the crying move, she cried past the point of meeting Sean’s sister, she cried so much that she may have finally pushed Sean to the breaking point. And yup there he goes, he is sending her home. Looks like Tierra was so pissed she didn’t even give them the second ‘clean walk away’ so they could get the camera person out of the way and edit for a smooth transition. And I now discover something I never knew I cared about, but immediately wanted to know, there are NO limos on St. Croix. Now I know I am taking a leap here, but since Sean walked Tierra out to a Minivan I have to imagine there were no limos at all on the island because if there had been even a beaten up 1954 limo the Bachelor would have found it and used it.

Guess that infinity bracelet he bought you earlier in the week means nothing now huh Tierra?

Ha, Sean walks back to his sister who is still just sitting at the picnic bench like nothing has happened. And more importantly she is not surrounded by drinks. Wow she might be just as bland as Sean, I would be at least 7 drinks in by this point, but then again I am a big ole alcoholic; after all it is a Monday night I have work in the morning and have already had 3 drinks while watching a show that only lasts 1.5 hours in DVR time.

No Cocktail party tonight, Sean gives some reason but I ignore it, because I have already made up my mind that they are not doing the party because it is too windy. These poor girls have been positioned in that horrible seating arrangement that they always force them in known as the ‘All girls on one couch’ move and the wind is just whipping their hair. Why do they always force them all into one tiny space?

Ever wonder what Chris Hanson does in the back before he has to come out to announce that there is just one rose left? I mean his job is super easy right? Could he be back there just knocking back shots or doing rails? Has he ever been late for his cue? Does a producer some time have to come running into the back to look for him “Chris we need your one line”?

Sean sends home the girl with the best body but the worst face (which by the way at this stage does not mean ugly) by comparison. I have to wonder, why is Catherine more broken up by Leslie’s departure than she is? 'Letsbehonest' seems weird.

The preview for next week has Sean looking like he is squared up for a fight, I have such a hard time believing it that I have to think it is just a swerve…good job promo department.

Last lingering thought, I kind of wanted to see Tierra's hometown date because I wanted to see what produced her.

 

Bachelor recap or why must we torture Canada also?

Now that I know that I have more than one reader of my recaps I really should pay attention to grammar syntax etc but nope.

I cannot believe I am watching a 2^nd straight night of the Bachelor.

Sean kicks the show off with, “I love Canada” I do too, but I would have bet serious money on Sean not being able to point it out on a map. And with that single line Sean pays off the Canadian board of Tourism.

Katherine (cutie) gets the one on one date (one on one – ten years ago all dates were automatically considered one on ones) and she is placed in what looks like a frozen tundra setting. She then uses the phrase “…Sean came and rescued me” when describing Sean arriving to pick her up, she is automatically seeming less cute to me and again leads to the question I voiced a few weeks back: These girls know this is not all real right? They know that they will not actually be left out in the cold permanently and left to die if he does not show up? Right? Right? Please say right.

Uh oh, my brother is up, I am strongly debating shifting to something else on the DVR I don’t even want to try to explain this to him. Even worse he is talking to me now, if I pause it to listen he will instantly know that I am taking this show seriously. Oh crap, Katherine’s story was so bad that I yelled “what the hell? Is this legit?” My brother is now laughing at me cause I yelled “Courtney you believe this, her friend dies in front of her at 12 and that made her realize immediately that she needed to get married?” My brother is now laughing at me and at Sean, who heard that BS story and said “I agree”.

I think I may have converted a new watcher. He is even making comments.

I stand by my thoughts from yesterday on Sean, he is a sadist; come on man, a polar bear plunge?

My bro’s thoughts on the life guard: “They deliberately chose someone unattractive so he would not compete with the Bachelor. Watching this with him could be fun. The real time back and forth comments are hilarious.

This is not suspicious at all, they all had swim suits available…yes I know the show could have brought it for them but yeah, it looks suspicious.

Oh Tierra, shockingly you are freezing, everyone else has decided to put on shoes, blankets and robes, but you decided to fall to the frozen ground conveniently while you have persons near you to scoop you up. Yes I am saying I think you faked this whole thing, yes I think you are a big bag full of crazy cats enough to risk hypothermia to make sure you did not go home. My bro after only watching for 5 minutes and before seeing the polar bear plunge fiasco labeled Tierra the “drama one”, I guess everyone in my family can quickly spot crazy…well maybe except for me; I tend to only see the crazy in girls after we break up.

(edit, I just added the pix, want to see if this works because maybe just maybe I am going to start using pix, unless it messes up the clean visuals which I use so my friends can sneak in reads while at work)

YUP, seeing Sarah’s one arm caught my bro by surprise too; makes me feel like less of an ass.

Wow Tierra puts on a lot of perfume. I mean wow, is that normal? Do girls normally do 200 passes with the spray?

Hahah should someone from DC (Lesley) so causally blend the words Tierra and Terrorist so easily? I don’t know but I love her for it; a Tierrorist is just an awesome word. When Tierra gives her confessionals and breaks down the other girls I am momentarily in love with her, then she keeps talking.

So Sean is booting Sarah, and though I knew it would eventually come I still feel bad, and I want to call the ADA (yup I know I am bad for that because I should not even care about her disability but…come on man, wait till the rose ceremony). Sarah’s packing scene shows why those scenes when a porter comes in to pick up a single rolling bag are such junk. This girl had so many things but yet when a girl gets booted the guy comes in and casually picks up a light small bag to signify she is off the show.

It is not a good date when the best part of your date is climbing a tree. Sean: “You are so positive” Girl (who is so boring on this date that I cannot bother to rewind to see her name): “I know”. Wha wha what? Who says “I know” to that? Oh man my neighbors are going to be so pissed, I just cackled because shortly after dropping the “I know” she then said “I think this is why I am so HUMBLE” (emphasis mine).

So Selma will not plunge in a lake but she will go against the wishes of her culture/parents and heritage to kiss the Bland Bachelor for a last second secure a rose moment. Hmm I wonder if typing BB will be faster than typing Sean, or at least will it cause me more fun?

Did BB kiss every single girl tonight? He might be milquetoast but at least he is testing the waters.

One rose, 3 girls, one family’s shame, one full bag of crazy and Tierra wins out again.

I guess St Croix is the latest country to offer free room and board to the Bachelor crew.

And yup I knew it, promotional consideration for this week’s episode paid for by Canada…oh Canada! 

And now because you have come to expect it, here is E's synopsis: 

Did they feel bad about all the dead bear shots in the lodge that they had to show some live ones at the beginning?

If Sean says he likes the outdoor one more time… he will maybe have hit the million mark.

I feel bad because as I watched the intro of "Tonight on the Bachelor" and it showed Tierra looking like death… I laughed.  Hard.

I don't know that I would trust Sean driving that beast of a snow bus.

Anyway, I just laughed at another replay of Tierra suffering.  What's wrong with me?

Any challenge that requires a medic because there is a good possibility of hypothermia and death is something I'd think twice about doing.  And that reminded me of a most awesome video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9tPJF3KN9w

HAHA! "I think I'm from Baghdad. We are warm weather people." As in she won't do cold stuff.  I love it.

And because of my DVR I missed the whole thing with Tierra getting too cold.  I am going to try and watch i again later when it isn't being such a little bitch.  And… motherfucker.  DVR back to playing now that the big scene is over. I hayt u dvd, u going to hell tomorrow.

And… there goes one arm girl.  Finally.

More live bears…

Okay, I am leaving my computer so IF I have additional musings I'll send another email.

E

Bachelor recap or…milking the one arm thing again

As always, slap-dashed together for a live blog with E. Her super-concise version is below my not so concise version

I am not sure I can do 2 straight days of this show. My first 30 minutes of the show is not a great recollection, my bro is in town and I was cooking dinner while watching the show in an attempt to quickly sneak in the show so he could not A. see it on my DVR and B. catch me watching it. 

They fly the girls out to Montana, at first I was thinking wow that has to be an expensive trip then I realized instantly how dumb that thought was, if you fly one you can fly all just rent a damn plane. 

Tierra does not hesitate to quickly show us the crazy, celebrating going on a date that all the other girls fear.

The girls do some weak-sauce competition with the big issue being they will have to end it all by drinking goat’s milk and there was actual hesitation – seriously? That is a problem? Drinking MILK! Of course the one-armed young lady mentions here arm as part of the challenge, but luckily it is not a challenge that will be hindered by the arm, or the lack thereof. I am beginning to think that Sean has a thing for watching girls engage in potentially harmful activities, he was beaming as those girls sawed a log. The girls that won are justifiably mad that they won the challenge but Sean still decides to bring the other girls on the date, Aaron loves that Selma got so pissed off that she spoke in the 3^rd person, though Aaron suspects she does it all the time. 

Tierra brings a whole bucket of crazy into the night by sneaking into Sean’s confessional time, which also lets us see Sean trying to turn on the charm for the camera when the producers ask him questions designed to entice great answers…DULL DULL DULL DULL DULL GUY. He should just walk around with his shirt off to keep the ladies enticed and piss guys like myself off (“don’t get mad, get motivated”). 

Ugh another girl uses the “this is like a fairy tale to me” line, I hate that, I cannot trust anyone who says that.

 Cut to Tierra and Jackie getting the date card info and I suddenly realize I want Tierra to win not just because I don’t want that bag of crazy cats to leave yet, but also because of the name of the contestant she is going up against, I should probably talk to a pro about that. 

Contestants’ comforting each other is just weird to me, I might mock Tierra, but she at least plays the game aggressively, I know you do not need to undermine a contestant, but no way am I propping you up. It has become a clear formula, cry in front of Sean, and get a rose, any girl who has not see that yet is blind.

Can ice form between 2 persons in a car? Because the drive to Sean with Tierra and Jackie was frosty! I wonder if the first time a Bachelor was told he was having a ’2 on 1’ date his first thought was “YES THREESOME”

Wow that date with Jackie was boring, I know she was trying her hardest to snitch on Tierra while not snitching but yeesh it led to a boring date, it led to me making up ice-cream combos in my head, and then going to the freezer to get them. Now I have my bowl filled with French vanilla, cupcake party and and fried ice-cream, no chocolate tonight. (sorry Robyn). Does ‘cosmetics consultant’ mean you work at a makeup counter? Cold blooded move ‘Bachelor’ Jackie’s limo is driving away and fireworks are going off, that is awesome sauce (Shout out to my co-worker).

Damn it, I got shocked by the one arm thing again, I am live blogging the show titled the post about it and it still shocked me, I can never get over it. I always wonder if people focus on my scar when they see me and now, I wonder even more, thanks ‘Bachelor’ for making me even more insecure.

 Desiree “it seems like he gives roses to girls who are having a hard time” yup she gets it, her brains such as they are come out more and more each week.

I taught a few ex-gf’s how to throw punches; it was something I thought they should know. But if anyone ever taught Tierra how to fight, they should be locked up forever!

Sean asks the girls about Tierra, gets an answer then says he is not getting the right answers, shocking! Just admit that you do not want to hear anything they have to say about her.

Tierra strikes again and Robyn goes home, though I cannot help but think that bad chocolate joke from last week had a part to play in it! 

Anf now E's recap; 

Just a few comments tonight:

Fake excitement over going to Montana. You know the girls are like meh.

I am 3 for 3 for not knowing the musical guest. Not surprising tonight since it was country, but still...

Any time Tierra speaks, I just think she is more psychotic. Her actions do nothing to make me think I'm wrong.

Wow, that Daniella went in for the kiss! She was all crying an then BAM! Hot kiss. Lol

Robyn was so flipping mad the whole night as soon as she found out the blue team was coming back. She didn't even  pretend to be happy.

All these shots of dead bears around the lodge are a little creepy.

So Robyn goes home.... Ohhhh noooo!!!  J/k she annoys me.

January 28th E and I exchange Bachelor emails

First mine, then hers (though hers was written first but it is my blog so why not)

I know every week I mock the gratuitous shots of Sean with his shirt off, but in fairness to him, if I had his body I might never wear a shirt again. I am always amused by the girls initially clapping the news of X-girls date invite then having them express their disappointment in confessionals. 

I really really really think I have met this Selma girl. Last week I wondered out loud if the girls really thought the fabulous dates they go on would continue once the show was done…and this week it was answered. Selma kept exclaiming how much she wants to keep doing such fabulous things for ever. Have you ever noticed Sean often looks into the wrong direction when doing his confessionals? I really hope he is looking at a producer or a cue card and not that he has no idea how to use a camera. 

I can respect and applaud Selma’s love (and healthy fear) of her parents and their traditional values and thus her not kissing on TV. I would be lying if I did not say I was shocked that she held out, but I was impressed.

Watching the girls rollerblading is awesome, until we see that one of the girls cannot balance because…she has one arm. I hate the Bachelor for doing this to me, I do not want my heart strings tugged on, I want to mock these girls viciously not to pause because of a disability, so you know what? Back to mocking, after all we are supposed to treat everyone equally. Normally when watching sports I hate seeing anyone injured, even the mildest twinge of an ankle makes me feel bad. But, when Amanda wipes out, I had to chuckle because this girl had just faked for a long time that she was well versed in the game and then immediately ate it. Suckily Amanda’s injury cancels the chance of us seeing these girls compete. 

Tierra is back 100% with the crazy eyes. Here is a thought, if you want to walk off the show, then just do so. Why wait around to interrupt another girls date? And if you do not want to just stalk off the show but would rather politely let the bachelor know before you leave, why not wait till your moment to talk to him? I hear it shouted in my co-workers voice “DARAHMAAAAA” (yup that is how he spells it when he yells it). Well played Tierra, well played. Hahah he just said he looked into her eyes and saw something special, yes you did it is called ‘crazy’. 

Freaking out about receiving diamonds on a show that is designed with dating experiences in mind just seems foolish. All these Pretty Woman references and the girl loving the comparison of her to Julia Robert’s character in the movie; does she not understand the character was a WHORE? Man this guy lacks charisma, in the jewelry store, I am pretty sure Neil Lane was hoping he would make it more like the blatant ad it is for his store. 

Well this is awkward, they had a musician lined up for the post rose intimate dance and then poof…he lets the girl go; thus causing Sean to have to say the name of the featured act in a blatantly forced way and then show shots of him listening to the music alone. 

Tierra gives the world’s best apology: “That was kind of your bad” I have got to use that move the next time I am apologizing to someone immediately tell them it was their fault. Oh and can you say “I am too much of a woman…to let them get to me” when earlier in the epi you were crying because other girls had his attention?

Wha wha what? Tierra is only 24?????????? No way 

Rose Ceremony: blah blah bunch of pretty girls get roses. The girl who cracked her chin on the floor gets sent home, another ‘model’ gone. 

Post credits video…Sean does not know how to drive stick!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Now E's email

Okay, so I guess it is my turn to have some musings.  Please ignore all the typos and grammar mistakes, thanks. :)

So, we start off with another shirtless Shawn, and in his underwear.  Nice.

The girls are already crying within 5 minutes.  Seriously?  Oh my, this is going to be a long night.

Date 1: Selma
She says "all 110 lbs"… don't girls usually never, ever say their weight?  Anyway, she sort of reminds me of the actress Shiri Abbleby.  She was on Roswell.
She said he took the Iraqi to the desert.  Thats awesome, but she is not impressed.  She's such a princess.  This is really an amusing date so far.  At the top, queue to sweeping, soaring music.  Love conquers all.  VOM!  Now it's time for the after physical activity dinner date. Trailer park trash, hilarious.  I think it is hilarious that she's talking about not being able to kiss him because of her culture, but she has her tatas hanging out all over the place, especially on the climb up the rock.  Look at my whole body!  But I can't kiss you!  I'm a fucking cock tease.  Shawn's reaction, his noisy exhale, was hilarious.

Shawn is funny.  He reminds me of what it was like when I was looking at colleges.  I fell in love with each one that I went to, and forgot about the others, instantly.  He is like, "I'm so into you!!" to each girl he goes on a one on one date with. 

Group Date:
Roller Derby, this should be interesting.  The crazy girl is going to take someone out for sure!  I will clarify, the throw-myself-down-the-stairs crazy girl.
Seriously, did these girls never roller skate when they were little?  None of them can stay on their feet!  And it sucks watching the one armed girl.  I feel really bad for her.  She needs to go home so I stop feeling bad about her having one arm.  And the girl who lied about having experience and then ate shit is also a little crazy!  She was the one who was moping and all axe murderer during the rose ceremony the other week before shawn talked to her.  But, anyway, good call canceling the match. LOL

Dinner date (again, after physical activity, natch)
Man, Tierra is really giving the girls stank eye, right from the start.  I want her to stay around because she is so awesomely crazy.  I always wonder how the crazy chicks will ever get a date after the show airs.  Oh my god.  That injured girl's tonsils joke.. ick.  OH no.  Tierra said fustrating.  FUSTRATING!  Now I'm torn.  Crazy is fun TV, but talking like that annoys me.  It's a pet peeve.  Fustrating, supposably… really people.
So, this Tierra breakdown cracks me up.  How are you going to be upset about mot having a lot of time with him, all these other girls dating him, etc.  It's the Bachelor.  What did you think was going to happen?  She's not going to get any sympathy.  But I also think that it is very possible that she is just playing a good game.  Oh she plays dirty! She got the rose.  Shawn is an idiot.

Date 3: Leslie
I think that this girl is really attractive, even though she has an enormous mouth.  I would be very happy to have a shopping spree date.  That way when I eventually do not win the man, I get to go home with dope swag.  That pink dress is so ugly.  I would never even pick it up off the rack.  She's really cute though.  I don't really think they have a connection though.  Although maybe in a few minutes he's going to say he absolutely is falling for her.  Like he says after every date. 
Boring relationship talk during dinner.  Snore.  Ha!  He totally said the connection wasn't there.  I am on fire.  But that is sad for her. But, like I said… swag. 
Shawn said Ben Taylor was going to sing for them… WHO?  That must suck even more for this band that I don't know of.  LOL they are playing for no one.  So sad for them.

Oh no, I am live now.

Cocktail Party:
He just told them that if they have questions about the decisions that they make… queue the line of girls to ask why he gave the rose to Tierra.  LOL

Robyn's pick up line… I was embarrassed!  She's a weird one for sure.

Most fake apology ever on air.  And anyone who says "I came here to win this" is really not there to fall in love.  :)  Although I don't know how many people think they will actually fall in love, but judging by the exit interviews, everyone leaves broken hearted, even when they only had one conversation with him.

Rose Ceremony:
That Amanda girl looks like she should be a witch in a movie. Yikes.
That last girl he picked, Daniella, looks like she is dirty nasty sexy.  Sorry, but she does.  I like her.

Not surprising that crazy girl number two was let go.

Okay, those are my play by play ramblings. :)

Next week is TWO nights of the Bachelor!

Bachelor recap and random musings

Again written while I watch the show so good luck with my grammar punctuation spelling etc.

Got my bowl of chicken soup ready, so its time for the show that should make me sick. Of course we again open with Sean working out with his shirt off. Look I get it producers the guy has a great body, we all know this, it is clearly the type of body that comes from someone who works out…a lot. But we don’t need to see the process weekly, and it is especially annoying on a day when I did not hit the gym. 

They are touring the Guinness Museum and all I keep thinking is ‘when I was a kid so many of these records were cool’ now every idiot seems to make up a record just to have a record’ that thought was instantly validated by Sean boasting that his dad had the record for driving through the lower 48 in the shortest time…DUMB RECORD.

The next dumb thing I heard was Sean saying that because the record for longest on screen kiss had stood for 10 years it was a difficult thing…no it is not Sean. What it is, is a record that does not matter and thus most people do not care to put it ‘on screen’ after all your time up there is not even close to the time for the longest kiss ever. Something I learned this weekend: it actually costs people money to get their records verified. Now I know if I had thought about it, I would have figured this out but why would I ever have thought about it? Anyway I found out this weekend because a guy was on the radio talking about his attempts to set the record for most pull ups done in 24 hours. For the record his record is 4025 according to him, I have not bothered to verify it but good grief that is insane. I am not sure I have done that many in my entire life, and I can actually do pull ups. I thought about hitting my pull up bar just to see how many I could rip off right now, but at my current weight I hate risking my door frame, so will just have to wait till the gym tomorrow and Beast it then. 

Sorry back to the show, these girls are horrible at beach volleyball and this is from a man who is just average at the sport, I think myself plus 2 of my average at V-ball friends could beat that whole group. I am breaking out into a rash on my shoulder, maybe this show really is making me sick. This is bad of me, but I love that for some reason all the girls from the losing team return home still just wearing their bikinis…apparently no shirts were allowed and they were not even working out.

I see the Bachelor has bought into the whole ‘Stop Snitching’ campaign. The girl from a prior Bachelor season tried to snitch on her competitors and got the stone wall from Sean, this cracked me up because it prompted my friend E to text me immediately (she has a bad problem with spoilers – bad girl). I know I already mentioned in a prior blog that there is a girl on the show with just one arm, yet every time I see her for the first time in an episode I am instantly startled by it. This poor girl has probably been stared at her whole life. Why was I startled by seeing her again? Because the camera panned to her after that other girl threw herself down the stairs for attention. What’s this you say? She just fell? But then did not want to get checked out at the hospital by medical professionals? In a venue she would not have to pay for? Nope not suspicious at all, and certainly not suspicious that the sight of Sean proved amazingly restorative (okay I should add, I wondered if she was pushed, also wondered if the added some extra sounds in post to make that fall sound worse than it was, it sounded like Eddie Murphy’s aunt falling down the stairs.) 

I agree with E, so many of the times a band shows up on the Bachelor or the Bachelorette my reaction is often “WHO?”  This may be very snarky of me, but I suspect that every time a Bachelor says “Performance from my fave band” or anything similar I think they only became your favorite band after the producers said, “Hey this is who we can afford/who agreed to perform”. 

A dog gets to ride in a limo? Does this show just spend 90% of its budgets on limos? Or after so many seasons and episodes do they just own their own fleet of limos? It could be a plan, just use them in season and then out of season just rent them out as ‘The Bachelor Limos’. 

Straight from E and I liked it so much I am using it here “Kacie B’s dress at the rose ceremony is straight from Tron”. I liked the aggressiveness of the girls tonight; the stealing and stealing back of alone time with Sean amused me. Looked like a slutty game of musical chairs. 

Where Flavor of Love beats the Bachelor handily was in its clock ceremony vs rose ceremony, not in the actual items presented but in the level of crazy I could always expect from a FOL clock ceremony. There was always the risk of a fist fight or a girl stepping forward too soon to accept a clock that was not going to be presented to her. The Bachelor rose ceremonies are decent but they lack the tension that can only come with the potential of massive head trauma.

When they are all lined up in rows and eagerly staring at Sean, you really really get to see how many of these girls have ‘Crazy Eyes’ (it’s a thing, look it up). 

Whoa he got rid of the model – in things I did not see coming that is way up there, but still behind the missing arm. 

Well I gotta go take my shirt off, it is time to hit the gym.

Bachelor week 2, the lazy review

The first date has Sean go out with the girl with one arm and the cynic in me just makes me think it was set up to tug at our heart strings. They do a physical activity that one would not normally think could be accomplished by someone missing a limb, but of course love will overcome all challenges. Her story about being barred from ziplining, ugh just so sad and yet...set up for the camera?

The group dates always amuse me: the cattiness of the girls, the shock at how amazing the date is? Have you not seen the show? They always make the dates amazing ladies...the sensible ones will know that these are made for TV dates and this is NOT NOT NOT something that you would normally do, unless you normally go on dates with 5 other girls, and if so, give me a shout. I cannot help laughing at Kacie (I think I have that right), who now counts as the wise sage because she was on one of these shows before. Her ability to game Sean into giving her an early rose was masterful, and her nudging that girl with Lion hair to leave the show early was Jedi mind-trick like.

When they were planning to prank that girl I was pretty worried that Sean would not be able to pull it off, because so far to me, he has the personality of a wet dish rag; then they pull him out of the room and it makes sense, it removes the chance of him spoiling it which makes me think they did not trust him.

My thoughts on his wet rag personality are further confirmed by his behind the scene reactions to the hidden camera stress the pranked girl is facing.

This stupid show has such a hold over me, its 3am and I am actually watching it, even though since I have it recorded I could in theory watch it at any time. Instead I spend my insomniac moments watching this drivel. Then again, I also watched wrestling earlier in the night, so maybe I shouldn't pretend that my tv choices are the greatest.

All these girls have cutesy stories and I do not believe a single one, they all sound too rehearsed. It is 37 degrees this is not SoCal weather, my friend whose house I stopped by an hour ago thought I was insane because I walked in wearing flip flops and shorts (and no it was not a booty call).

When you wear a wedding dress to the first meeting and worry that it made you look like a crazy person, you probably should not lead with that on the 2nd meeting.

The Amanda girl that everyone proclaimed crazy, I sometimes wonder if those girls are as crazy as the girls intimate or if the editors just cut the tape so well to make her seem like she should be in a Hitchcock movie.

I guess I learned a little Farsi....by the end of typing this I will have unlearned any Farsi I just learned.

I am so glad he kept the 'crazy' chick. I know I know there was more to the rose ceremony etc, but after watching more than an hour of this even with the DVR aid, I am burned out!

It has been a while, so let's do a TV recap - The Bachelor

I know, I know this is a cop out but my friend got me into watching the Bachelor so that we could mock it together so this morning I sent her an email with my recap thoughts and I have decided to share it here. Remember this is from an email, don't judge its grammar syntax etc

Elizabeth YOU SUCK for getting me into this show....

I had a friend watch it with me, because she said she had never watched it before and I told her we could mock it ceaselessly, she did not believe me...until we started watching!

What was up with the kissing lessons thing? I have never in my life asked another man how he kisses girls, and certainly would not ask for lessons. And in fact when in the past we have mocked someone for kissing someone in public, we then did not require them to show us how they did it...or to tell us to put their whole body into it - he knows they were talking about a kiss right? Not a pre-game molestation.

My favorite thing from last night and the thing that caused me to pause my DVR and analyse this show like the Zapruder film was Robyn (and you know how bad I am with names, so the fact that I remember her name shows how much it affected me). I could not believe she tried not one but TWO backflips and I sat up straight laughing when half way through the second she yelps "OH noooooo", I did not even let her get to Sean, I immediately hit the 15 second rewind on the DVR, then I hit it again, then again, then again. My friend says I instantly rewatched it 5 times (I believe her). I then went all the way to when she first exits the limo and started doing play by play like this "See her face just before she turns around, that is the look of determination, on this first flip she is exactly like Alabama, on this second flip she is Notre Dame" (I fear that did not butch up the Bachelor, but at least you know I watched the BCS game). Even after I watched the whole bloody episode, I rewound the whole thing just to get back to her and her "oh nooooo" it made my night.

I cannot believe he immediately gave a rose to the girl that showed up with that super cheesy open heart tattoo. Then he kept the girl who came in IN A WEDDING DRESS. To me none of the black girls are amazing looking, though there were quite a few plain white girls this year too...wonder if they are trying to go with a more-realistic look?

It is probably bad of me that I enjoyed the song sung to him by the crazy girl from Tennessee, I would actually have kept her over a few of the other girls.

Fifty shades of crazy is a stripper right? She has to be a stripper right? Come on say she is a stripper right? That dancing was stripperesque right? Seriously...that girl!

When he gave that first girl the rose, my first thought when she started to walk into the main room was; "Oh no, this girl might actually get shanked". The looks on the girls faces when she walked in made up for the fact that I was actually sitting there watching the Bachelor. (I hate you for getting me into this show btw, I seriously do).

I actually felt it was unfair to him (and yes I know the whole show is pretty much a gimmick) to place the girl with one arm on the show. Yes I know everyone is beautiful (and this girl is gorgeous) but placing her on leaves him in an awkward position...he cannot cut her on the first night right? And then what happens after one of their fake physical challenges, does he have to keep her because she was plucky, when is the safe time to cut her etc? I will deny I ever sent this if she wins it all. But I feel pretty safe right now that she will not win it all.

I thought the Yoga instructor was cute...until I saw her walking barefooted - deal breaker.

Is this going to be the new thing on all these shows; someone from previous shows will be on it? I know I am new to this and you are my Yoda, so is this a thing?

And maybe I should not chuckle but when these girls who have just met the guy and are booted the first night cry as if they have lost their first love I cannot help but think "That is a whole bag of crazy!"

Anti gay marriage? Don't count this Christian as one of 'those' people

I am firm in my belief that religious institutions can dictate who they will or will not marry, if they have no public funds, government driven assistance for the marriage ceremonies etc. But as a social need/good institution I believe marriage is for all. Especially in a country that preaches (see what I did there?) separation of church and state. I really like this CNN article on Gays and the Bible's treatment of them http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/05/15/my-take-what-the-bible-really-says-about-homosexuality/?hpt=hp_c1



 - The 'those' people is one of my million references to 'Tropic Thunder'

Making Pasta this week and explaining my lack of fancy...

I have previously expounded on my lack of cheese sophistication in other posts but since it has been months since I posted anything, allow me an indulgence...

Once upon a time I was a little boy in the greatest country ever created; Jamaica from the Arawak word Xaymaca meaning Land of Wood and Water, we were an agrarian and Tourist based economy so fancy cheeses were unknown. So unknown that for many a year I thought that only 3 (2.5 if you look closely) cheeses existed – they were Cheddar (White or Yellow) and Pizza Cheese (which I learned was mozzarella if of quality but really is more often this guy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pizza_cheese [btw that is disgusting and makes me want to reconsider pizza]) and that was it.


Then I came to the Home of the Brave and the Land of the Free (economy) and realized that there are a tonne of cheeses available I mean seriously you guys have CHEESE shops, shops dedicated to just cheese! You go out to restaurants and order 'cheese boards'. Really CHEESE BOARDS? That is considered a meal, I am still amazed. You quite literally can run the gamut from A to Z in Cheeses, American, Asiago and Anari to Ziger, Zumelle and Zuvi. Well this Thursday I am making pasta and I am making it the way all good Jamaicans make it WITH CHEDDAR as the main cheese. A slight concession to my years in America is that I will make a 4-cheese pasta sauce to add to it (I have become Americanized and soft) but the main cheese will be a good hearty Cheddar grated by hand with the wrong grater setting like a real yard man (Jamaican living outside of the homeland).

Happy MLK Jr. day 2012!

Oh Dr. King your sacrifice got us greater racial equality (we are close but not all the way there yet) and a holiday! I sadly suspect more peeps are grateful for the holiday now than the equality.

I wish you were still around to see (and since you are famous probably meet) Tim Tebow. He is this amazing phenomenon (for an average football player) that dominates sports headlines and pop culture.

He is a slower Michael Vick, a less accurate Vince Young, a weaker Warren Moon, a less dynamic Randall Cunningham, he isn't even as gifted as Rodney Peete seriously don't laugh Rodney Peete was "drafted by the Toronto Blue Jays out of high school, and the Oakland Athletics and Detroit Tigers while in college" per wikipedia (grain of salt added for taste).

Tim Tebow just lacks something all of the above players had...

But because it is your day Dr. King I will go with some 'equality' and point out that Tebow is no more religious than Kurt Warner, or Steve Young or Ray Lewis (if you want to go non-Qb).

He has captured imaginations while giving fodder to both sides of any argument that involves discussing his skills. He will look absolutely incompetent for 58.5 minutes of a game that only last 60 minutes and then for just that last minute and a half engineer a drive that will win the game! Seriously Dr. King he will only be good for 2.5% of the time he is doing his 'job' and yet get praised like he was the best player ever. I cannot imagine a doctor botching a surgery so badly that at the end of it all he manages to do is save my life while costing me a limb or 2 then he gets praised for his life saving abilities!

He replaced a guy called Kyle Orton who is a much more accurate passer than Tebow ever was or probably ever will be yet somehow could not ever win with the same team that Tebow now wins with.

Many are beginning to believe in the unbelievable because they cannot explain the 'lucky' coincidences in his wins. They refuse to consider things like small sample size (where if one looks at the fact that Tebow has only played a few games is woefully inaccurate and has a bad QB rating, over time he would be more likely to lose more than he would win), or the joy of scheduling that placed the Broncos up against incompetent teams and teams that did not make the playoffs during Tebow's win streak. They ignore things like; when Tebow went up against Orton (yest the QB he replaced) in a virtual must win game for the Broncos he lost! Of course divine intervention stepped in and the Raiders who could have kept Tebow out of the playoffs lost too...

Divine intervention, yes sir you heard me correctly people now think that God is interested enough in American Football games to intervene in John Elway's teams games. Oh did I not mention that? Yup the same team that John Elway captained to 2 super bowls and also is now the Exec VP of has a fan base that believes so firmly in Tebow that they are comparing him to Elway and...Elway is not always coming out favourably. But do not just take my theories for fact, check out this poll and this article in USA Today.

The breakdown amuses me
Among ethnic groups, the Hispanic/Latino demographic was the biggest believer, with 81.3% saying yes. Among African-Americans, 59.5% said yes, and for whites it was 38.3%.
Politcally speaking, 54.2% of Republicans said yes, as did 38.2% of Democrats and 35.1% of independent voters.
...wonder why that is.

The thing about it is...almost every athlete after a good performance praises God so I cannot imagine he has chosen to favour Tim and his left hand. (Vick is a lefty too and the religious Steve Young just saying). And let me give a little plug to Ken Stabler a great lefty that too few show love to.

Yes Dr. King on this day when I think of you, I just wonder what you would think of the hype surrounding this (insert colour here) Quarterback.

What is weird though Dr. King, is that while I am not a fan of Tebow and I hate the hype around him, I am starting to feel sorry for him because  no player, no QB white, black, hispanic or any colour could live up to the burden that fanatic fans and media personalities are placing on him. And certainly no one with mediocre skills.

Oh one more thing Dr. King (no one ever calls you Martin do they?) in a rare display an athlete named Stevie Johnson actually blamed God for a loss so of course it made news. He did it on Twitter which is a micro blogging site that will for years to come cause severe cases of foot in mouth disease. If you could still do it I would tell you to follow my friend @swalloween. Anyway here is Stevie's tweet after he dropped a pass in an OT game. "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."

Enjoy the rest of the day, in a display of unity I am about to go meet my white friend, pick up my Persian friend and then go to the Asian grocery store so we can cook some Italian food later.

Best,

Cali J.

I envy my friends 'S' and 'Y' so much right now.

They are both passed out on the couch together (even though I offered an air mattress) meanwhile I am in my expensive-luxury pillow top bed and I cannot fall asleep. We were all out dancing and they practically fell asleep as soon as they sat down…wish that could be me. I have slept 5 hours out of the last 72 so really I should be bloody exhausted. But of course I am not. Broke up a chick fight tonight, that was fun, the even funnier part was my kicking the girl that started it out of the club as if I were a bouncer, and her following it!

Real Time Food Experiment: World series burgers...and chasing a dog down the street

So I have been craving burgers and there are no burgers as good as home-made burgers so while the game is on I will live blog my experiment. For these burgers I am going to use ground beef AND ground pork

I am carmelizing onions - one medium white onion chopped into rings, cooked in 1tbs oil 1tsp bacon grease on medium, sprinkled over a tsp of sugar turned it down low and let it carmelize over 30 minutes. Shook the onions out put a tsp oil in pan.

To same pan that had onions and now oil I added 2 cloves finely chopped garlic and a chopped stalk of scallion (medium heat) to this I added a 1/3lb ground pork and browned very slightly with an added tsp of dehydrated onion. In a 1/2 cup measure I added 2 tbs balsamic vinegar, 1tbs soy sauce then filled to the top with water, added that to the pan and cooked for 5 minutes. Set aside to cool completely!

About 4 innings into the game: Rangers still up 1-0 (I really hate the Cardinals hope Texas wins this) I add the cooled ground pork mix to a bowl of 3/4lbs ground beef, a 1/4tsp of garlic powder, 1/2 tsp of chili powder, 1/4tsp black pepper, 1tsp Worcestershire sauce (I suspect I spelled that wrong) and a pinch of salt (seriously peeps just a pinch soy sauce already has salt). Formed 4 patties (they are moist, which makes sense since high water content in pork mix) now debating broiling or pan frying...Bottom of 4th inning and Joe Buck just called Zoey Deschanel a subtle actress (not sure what he means because I am yet to see a subtle performance from her). 

While I wait for my decision, I am making the 'special' sauce aka mayo, spicy brown mustard, ketchup, ranch in a 1;1;2;1 ration. This will be spread on both buns then topped with the carmelized onions with the burger in the middle...man I hope this tastes good, especially since I just wrote a blog about it without tasting it.

I was tempted to make my own hamburger buns and if my company shows up maybe I will, it just sounds impressive I suspect it is easy.

And then this happened. It was the 5th inning and I figured I would go for a quick 1 mile run knowing that I would be back in time to see the next inning and I wanted to help my roomie out by taking the dog out for a quick run since he had been trapped indoors all day. Well that turned into a fiasco; 2 blocks from home the dog slipped his harness and TOOK OFF. My Run Keeper app told me that the dog and I spent 1 hour 20 minutes and 5 miles chasing each other up and down the streets of downtown. I say chasing each other, since to keep the dog from running into traffic I often had to make him think it was a game and chase me...the dog is NOT street wise! At one point he sat in the middle of the road while the light was red and cars were massing, then when the light changed to green he remained there as I ran up the block to get to him. Then since I did not want to spook him into potential cross traffic I had to slowly approach while yelling at the cars that were blowing there horns at him and me!

Good times!

But the bonus is, baseball is so slow that when I got back it was just the EIGHT inning...you have to love it. And the rangers won.

By the time I was back I was too hungry and tired to wait for the oven to pre-heat so I just pan fried the burgers and...THEY WERE DELICIOUS, TOP FIVE EVER. But of course I have to wonder if part of that was due to my extreme hunger by that point.