Have to cut that coke with Coconut Rum...vol 2.34

Not sure if it is sad or amusing or both that because I drink so little regular or even diet soda  when I drink something as sweet as a regular coca cola for its caffeine content I need to add a splash (or 3) of coconut rum to it to make it palatable. Now I know to some that would sound crazy to say that one needs the caffeine boost but then adds rum, but if you are a long time reader you know that alcohol does not put me to sleep. So since I did not sleep at all last night and I have to meet friends I had to take the caffeine boost...and I refuse to waste my money on things like '5 hour energy' (seriously peeps save your cash).

Neil Patrick Harris' best role was NOT Doogie Howser or his role on 'How I met your mother' his best role is in 'Undercover Brother' for instance his character Lance talking to a group of blacks: "I just watched this show... "Roots"? Maybe you've heard of it?" Hard to hate it. Even though I own the movie I will always stop and watch at least 10 minutes of it if its on.

And this movie makes great use of Denise Richards acting ability...stand and look pretty (her fighting moves are eh when they are not using what I suspect is a stunt double)! Plus an underrated performance from Dave Chapelle. There is also a great girl-fight scene.
Plus Eddie Griffin's Afro reminds me of the one I had in college. And his fight scene with Mr. Feather (Chris Kattan) set to MJ's 'Beat it' makes me laugh because it spoofs so many action movies and even has a touch of West Side Story. Though when the fro gets touched "You mess with the fro, you got to go" I am completely with UB on administering the beat down!

Did you know you have to capitalize Afro for proper grammar?

Wonderful soundtrack too!

1. - "Pick Up The Pieces"
2. "Say It Loud, I'm Black And I'm Proud"
3. "Give Up The Funk (Tear The Roof Off The Sucker)"
4. "Close the Door"
5. "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" 
6. "Ebony And Ivory"

Just to name a few

I am writing my Best Man speech SEVEN MONTHS in advance

Because I suspect it will take at least six months to sanitize and edit it down for public hearing.

And yup...someone was crazy enough to make me their best man.

I am honoured, humbled and eagerly looking forward to shocking!

One week ago I accidentally crashed a wedding...Congratulations Karina and Justtini

"Hey what are you doing here?" Those were the words of my friend who invited me to meet him at a party in Pasadena...turns out the party was actually a wedding, and it ended up with me being on the wedding party shuttle and heading to the wedding hotel to kick it with the bridal party.

Some quick things, ladies if you are going to crash a wedding party and end up in one of the hotel rooms drinking and eating you should at least be cute...I refuse to say the same for guys, because well, I clearly crashed too; but mine was an accident. Those 2 girls knew what they were coming up to.

A purity ring is just weird. I completely respect the position it advocates, after all I am the Stone Cold, but it is just weird to see. Especially weird when the person wearing it is over 18. What is funny though is that I still do not see/notice rings of any sort. My friend's wife had to point it out to me...I wonder why she thought I needed to be made aware of that.

Hmm seems like a great time for a song break, some of the lyrics
"I might let you touch me
I might let you hold me
I might even let you kiss me
But you can not take my virginity"

So yeah, I really do not get the point of Purity rings.

1. Because, if you are wearing one because of your parents, aren't you going to keep wearing it when you are no longer 'pure' for the sake of keeping up appearances? After all if you broke their trust by having sex, then you will hide the truth. 
2. If you are wearing it because you are part of a 'purity' circle, what happens when you slip? (I know do not make the easy joke of he/she fell on it). Do you keep the ring on to remain a part of the circle?
3. If you are wearing it solely as a personal choice, do you take it off when you first get some? Because at that moment doesn't everyone around you immediately know that you smooshed? 

To me Virginity is a personal thing (not actually a fan of the word Purity but for the sake of the ring discussion I used it) [and yes I know it is automatically personal since you cannot lose it without (well you know the science behind it)] not something that anyone needs to broadcast or confirm to anyone with or without the use of a ring. Just because I choose to run around with the sometimes used nickname Stone Cold does not mean I would ever think anyone should actually declare their status. I have similar feelings on people being forced in or out of the closet, or having to declare sexuality, but that is for another blog.

So yeah, the wedding blog has dissolved into a discussion of virginity...on the plus side the Bride wore white...on the further plus side: Who doesn't wear white? Didn't Kendra wear white? Didn't Coco wear white? Isn't Kim Kardashian going to wear white? No one really cares anymore so why are purity rings still worn? I cannot remember the last time I saw a Livestrong bracelet, the next one I see will be as shocking as every time I see a Purity ring.  


WHOA WHOA WHOA I want to note here, I am not tying Karina in with the V-club discussion, or with any of those hoochies above. Karina is a splendid girl, salt of the earth type, her wedding just happened to be where I met the Purity ring and the 2 girls that should really never crash another wedding after party ever again.


Karina and Justtini were super cool, very nice of them to welcome me in and not be mad that I suddenly showed up. The other cool moment was realizing that Karina actually reads my blog...much love to her for that. So here goes a shout out.

HEY KARINA THIS LINE IS JUST FOR YOU!


By the way, every black guy in America, who lives in a predominantly white or Asian area should definitely watch this, because it makes walking into a party when there are only 2 of you so much fun. Yes I am talking to you 'Black' Greg. My homie 'White' Greg knows and loves the scene, so next time I yell at you across a party bus "what the hell are you doing in here, I am supposed to be the only black guy here" you do not look so confused:

Love the dialogue. 


Ending the week; worked out 6 of 7 days, ate cookies 3 of 7. Only demolished  2 tubs of ice cream this week...not too bad a diet. Oh and burned off 3lbs of the excess poundage I put on in the last month. Just need to get my arms bigger than Yau's now.

Many questions, few answers or Why would the blood bank lady think I would think about making a donation before noon on a saturday?

• Was that title long enough for you?
• Who knew Jolly Ranchers had a soda?
• Is there a faster way to increase the rate of diabetes in this country?
• Why do I have more soaps and shampoos in my shower than most girls I know?
• I have the 2 in 1 Zinc Shampoo for dry scalp; I have the 'sweet' smelling herbal Shampoo and conditioner bottles for the days when I want to smell great; I have the 3 in 1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash for the days when I am in a bloody hurry cause I decided an extra 15 minutes of sleep was crucial and I cannot waste time using 3 separate bottles; I have not 1 but TWO strawberry body washes of different brands; I have the 'manly' Dial body wash (with the extra moisturizer); I have the exfoliating body wash...and none of that includes the additional stuff stored under the counter.
• Why do I still love watching wrestling? 
• Yes I know it's fake, so are sitcoms...I often find this funnier.
• Why are there so many 'paranormal' shows out there?
• Why is 'So you think you can dance' a hit?
• How is it my boy and I willing watched a chick flick?
• It has nothing to do with all the above soaps...a man can just be concerned about his cleanliness
• Why am I the only person in my clique who LOVES ice cream mixed with milk? 
• And no...not a milk shake, just a splash or 2 of ice cream milk (* editor: apparently my subcon was so strong I put what I love most on what I love most...thanks Grace for the catch) on your scoops of ice cream
• How does Paris Hilton have a new show?
• No seriously, how? 
• What the hell is wrong with A. The athletic apparel companies and B. my calves that cause the companies to release Calf Compression gear with sizes of large and X-large and the size difference being 14.5-16.5 for Large and 16.5-18.5 for X-large? 
• Why does this tick me off?
• Because My left calf is exactly 16.6 unflexed and only goes down to 16.5 flexed and my right is exactly 16.5 - I used 2 different measuring tapes
• So what happens if I buy this, and lose weight while running? 
• Or, what if I increase my calf muscle size?
• Both would be good things...but I do not know if I need to get the large size so it fits snuggly or the x-large size so it just fits?
• Why is the bloody size change line exactly at the size of my bloody calves?
• Why couldn't it have been just like the Weight lifting gloves...X-large? 
• Yup ladies, you read that right
• I wear big gloves
• No really nothing more being hinted there
• Just telling you in case you are ever shopping for me
• Leather is prefferred
• Why are my friends demanding I watch "Ice loves Coco"?
• In that Vegas ad where the guy gets locked out of his room in nothing but a robe; where is he getting all the cash and ID's to purchase all the stuff and pick up the girl (I am assuming she is NOT a hooker)?
• Why am I watching 'Why did I get married, too?'
• Am I compelled to support black cinema?
• Why are people disappointed with Lebron James?
• Maybe if you were not so desperate to think of him as the next Jordan you would just appreciate his current level of greatness?
• But is it so shocking that a kid that was told he was the greatest since junior high, nicknamed himself the 'King' and never went through the socializing that college brings would shrink in high pressure situations?
• Why am I up at 3:44am when I am giving blood in 9 hours?
• Better yet: Am I a lush because I plan to meet up with alcoholic friends half an hour after donating blood?
• I do get props for scheduling the drinks for after the donation though right?
• RIGHT?
  

Hollywood friends and their exes...vol243

Part of the problem with having 'Hollywood friends' is that when they break up with 'Hollywood girlfriends' you have the obligation of disliking the exes. BUT, the problem is, you sometimes see their exes in shows you are watching. My boys ex just popped up in the episode of this comedy I am watching and she is making out with a lead character: which stupidly feels awkward since I still see her as my friend's girl and also I know she is 'freaky'.

I have noticed something funny, maybe not 'haha' funny but definitely 'hmm that is kind of bitchy funny' about 2 of my female friends: They have both recently commented on the fact that I am a bit chubby in the middle (which as any typical reader of this blog knows I am quick to point out myself), both have done it by patting the chub...but here is the thing both these girls have put on weight in the last few months. And I mean weight enough that I have made sure not to make any references to weight so as not to offend them...yet both tapped my chub. Good thing I am a decent guy because I could have lashed out. I also note that both of the girls are in relationships that they claim are not, what they are...so are they gaining the comfy weight of relationships? Or the side weight of denial? Either way, I find it funny that they are pointing to my flaws when I am pretty sure I could take my weight double it and still be a 1lb or 2 short of theirs.

I probably should feel worse about my weight gain but I have been injured for the last month (I know...shocker) and since I (again as longtime readers know) never diet, weight gain is always guaranteed when I am hurt...give me 3 weeks 6 days and I plan to strip this 8lbs back off

Happy Birthday to the greatest woman in the world

MY MOM!

"I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador"

"...that was the team name. They wanted something the locals found frightening"

The title of this post is from 'Better off Ted' Season 1 episode 10 'Trust and Consequence' it is a bloody shame that it was cancelled while the CW continues to air any of its programming or shows like 'So you think you can dance' have huge followings. Damn Plebeian masses.

Gluten free waffles absolutely suck. But when you are starving at 3 am, you can pour enough maple syrup on them to overcome any taste deficiencies.

I love being a member of a gym that has multiple locations in every big California city. I drove into Diego with 1 group, went to the gym just to stash my clothes so that when I drove my other friends home I would actually have clean clothes for the weekend.

Funny that some of the same peeps I used to work out with late night on Fridays recognized me and said hi when I went to pick up my stashed clothes at 2;30am.

Seeing 1 of my exes in San Diego made me realize that though I have never taken illicit drugs maybe I drank too much when I lived there...yes it might be mean, but eh it is true: I was not proud of my past decision making.

It might be due to the lifting, but I felt a lot more 'love' here now than when I lived here. Or maybe I am just older and wiser (or cockier and it shows).
I am amused that my friends know my insomnia is so bad that they can text me at 4am asking for an immediate response...and they get it.

Governor Perry better not run for President: I cannot abide the thought of a bloody Aggie having a shot to run the country.

Another source of amusement; my friend and his fiance immediately shoving back to back shots in my hands as I walked over from the bar where I had just taken whisky shots and my friend yelling "let's test that liver that never gets drunk". Test taken and PASSED!

I love my boy and his fiance, good peoples and they seem good together. I also appreciate my boy saying that he wants me to do his wedding. Following in the footsteps of the father!

I am so wired and cannot sleep that I am blogging from my blackberry as I try to sleep. I have to be one of the few people who alcohol actually leaves wired rather than sleepy.

NETFLIX HAS 'SHOTTAS'

NETFLIX HAS 'SHOTTAS'

I know to my American friends that means little but to a bona fide yardie like me that means a tonne!
 - If you have Netflix watch it, damn it watch it!

My pops and I had an emotional and important conversation and it lasted almost 3 times as long as our usual convos...total 5 minutes 36 seconds. 

I think I saw one of my law school nemeses at the gym: Looks just like him same goofy smile same blank stare. Not good to have bottled up enemies or resentment - nearly dropped weights on my chest while benching and thinking that it was him, really had a scary moment there. Can never forget a Florence night club incident with that kid.
- The bonus is, I do not have many/or any enemies really, even that kid was just someone who annoyed me more than I hated them...cannot really think of anyone I truly hate.

The  T-mobile ad with the young kid rapping cracks me up. Partly because the kid is getting a tonne of love and I suspect part of that is due to his  skin colour and the speed of his lyrics but mainly because I love how hard the T-mobile girl is trying to dance and look cool at the same time. I cannot see the ad without laughing!

Maybe I should not take my shaving ideas from cartoons

I am currently rocking a pencil thin mustache with no beard or side-burns I look like a stereotyped french villain. You know it is a crazy look when you look in the mirror and frown at yourself. But since I committed to it, I am going to court in the morning looking like this. I just cannot get used to it. I shaved before dinner (not sure why the formality) and everytime I catch myself in the mirror I do a double take. While flossing, I caught myself, staring at myself. While brushing and doing my usual reading while brushing I kept glancing up from the novel to stare at my upper lip, while gargling I actually angled my head down to stare (which by the way makes it bloody hard to gargle).

It has only been a couple hours and I bloody miss my sideburns. I was initially tempted to go with my undergrad look of mustache and goatee but then decided mustache solo...just cannot get used to it.

Had to take a massive pain killer so I took one with a sleep aid; which means crazy dreams tonight - also means I will wake up with a horribly dry mouth, I bloody hate that feeling. I keep 2 bottles of water beside the bed 2 large bottles, each is 24oz and yet some mornings I will wake up and those suckers are drained. On bad nights I even have to go to the kitchen and get seconds, you can just imagine what my immediate concern is when I wake up in the mornings!

My knee is so bad right now, that I cannot shift side to side and I can barely take anything beyond a shuffle step. I realized it was bad when sitting in the car hurt. And even with the busted knee I think I could still beat all of the peeps I have played in tennis the last year yup, all of you! I really want to play a tennis game to see if working out has actually helped my ground game, oh well till peeps stop ducking me I will not get a good game!

I saw an ad tonight that I will write about some day but it is for an anti-depressant and the scary part is the ad actually has the makers admitting that they do not know exactly how it works to stop depression.

My blood pressure today is 115/57 and other randoms plus a shout out to an ex

So one of my exes a perfectly lovely, smart, enterprising, talented girl (just slightly below me in Chemistry labs...even if she claims I used help) has a great plan for this year. She is posting a picture a day for the whole year, whether great inspiration strikes her or not...As any regular reader of the blog knows, I barely post on a semi weekly schedule. So it occurred to me last week that if she can be so consistent every day, I could at least post more consistently. As I said the thought occurred LAST week, this is the first blog since then...oh well I will at least try to do 3 a week.

Quick hits:

• 2 Guys watching 'Legends of the Guardians' together isn't that weird, us analyzing it...might be
• Just saw a cute well behaved one walking around the play-pen of my gym and I decided "I really need to get my own little creature" I then realized I called a human child a "little creature"
• Congratulating a woman on pregnancy is never safe unless you know for sure she is pregnant, I saw a guy at the gym do it again today, and that did not work well so I never mention pregnancy until I am sure the girl is pregnant.
• But I always feel worse for the guy who asks the question. Now I know immediately you think "the guy is an Ass" but think of it this way, the guy is most likely well meaning and trying to be nice, now he feels bad for asking a fat person when she is expecting or congratulating her...at least the person knows she is fat before the guy ever says anything, the poor guy now has to walk around feel bad that he offended. 
• On the pregnancy issue; I was recently at dinner with friends and a girl I know to be promiscuous and a heavy drinker was there and I noticed she was NOT drinking. Well because her breasts looked bigger than normal and weighing the other factors I discreetly asked my other female friend if X-femme was pregnant...whew it was as if I asked if X was murdering kids, my friend was so mad at me for asking...I don't get it. How can one offend by proxy? And how is that not a legit question to ask? Oh well
• I do not get the fascination with Glee, I occasionally watch it and each time I watch it I hate myself more for it and realize I dislike it more and more...I should be worried that my spell check had to correct how I spelled occasionally. 
• Ah yeah the title, I completely forgot to address that, I posted that BP after working out. Yup, while I might be fat and have ridiculous eating habits, I actually work out a tonne just so that I can stay healthy
• In fact my eating habits are so bad that I actually had to move from the dining/kitchen area while I blogged so that I would avoid eating/making giant choco chip cookies because I wanted more. I ate 3 brownies, a bag of chips a bowl of cereal and that was all post dinner of chicken and rice, just so that I would not make a batch of cookies because everytime I make a batch I eat about 8-12 right off the bat. 
• It gets worse when you factor in I did this all post gym and stopped my ride home to go buy 2 bags of chocolate chips so that I would have the cookie options
• Speaking of riding...so saddle sore, I do not know how anyone could ride in the Tour de France
• On the plus side, thanks to riding to work, riding to lunch, and riding to the gym; I rode 33 miles today and that does not include whatever mileage I did in Spinning. 
• I need to become more consistent with my lifting (I know, I know I just said I work out a tonne)...it is too haphazard, need to get back on a more consistent routine but damn my shoulder is really killing me so it has to be longer rest periods in between sessions and that throws me off my game.
• On the plus side...let me post some numbers
• Bench 300, Leg Press 1050, calf press 800, individual bicep curls 50, triceps pull downs 145, back pull downs 295 all in lbs. 
• I want to improve the Bench, but do not know how to without my spotter, I am going to have to lower the leg press because my left knee cannot maintain the weight anymore but I can maintain the calf press and will not raise or lower that, clearly I have to try and improve the bicep curls, they might be better than that, but they are always done after back exercises so the muscle is already used up, triceps will go up in a month and the back pull downs are hard because as fat as I am I am still not heavy enough to smoothly control the weight and remain in the seat. 
• Amazing that due to having to take a full week off from weight lifting my cardio is not as good, even though I have kept that up at least on its regular schedule.

So for the exes and the ones I thought were preggers

Inviting a girl 1 month of the plane from France to Cinco de Mayo...not the easiest thing

I received horrible news today, not news that is of immediate personal impact to me, but horrible because of the immediate pain it causes someone I love. Any long time reader (or close enough friend of mine) knows that death rarely affects me personally, what affects me is seeing the pain it causes to those around me [quick side step; when my Grandfather passed in Tobago my dad and I went, I was very young, but I felt no emotional pain, shed no tears until I saw how sad my Dad was and then I broke down, not for my Grand, but for my Dad.] It is much the same here I saw that my friend was in pain (saw it from afar) and it troubled me, troubled me enough that on a night I had not planned to drink at all, I drank.

But this is not a morbid blog, in fact this is the rare double blog in a 24 hour period. And I will try desperately to not give a virtual middle finger to Eli and Vivian for making me drive for 40 minutes each way and standing me up. Even though in the back of my head I had the above worries (tried to call before heading out because I was afraid of trying to answer the phone later, I would definitely have answered but would not have wanted any crazy yelling in the back ground) I had a fairly decent night. Let us do a brief recap

Finally heard the Charlie Sheen remix to the Duck Sauce's 'Barbara Streisand' hahah basically just replace her name with 'winning' and 'Charlie Sheen'. Since I have a tonne of work to do I think I will just stay up all night and work all night, and thus get to sleep in a bit (you had to know there was some trigger for the double blog).

So in regards to the title, I invited a French girl I met over the weekend out tonight, but trying to explain to her in my super limited French (yes I was trying to impress) was too much of a chore so I just ended the explanation with..."people go out and drink a tonne". I cannot wait to invite my Korean friend out for Bastille Day. Turns out she did come out, but she was at another bar and by the time we decided to walk past the spot there was too long a line and there was a Dart Bet to settle with Yau...more on that later

This is not Ego but science talking; I think I could write a 'club banger'. The elements seem basic, get a track with a HEAVY bass line, add a simplistic hook, put in some lines stating how much swagger, girls, jewels, power or money I have and this is key at some point raise my voice an octave.

There is nothing like seeing a girl dance for you, my boy was interested in the 'darker' of 2 girls and while he kept trying to catch her eye I was staring at her and her friend, (basically I had a lot running through my head and they just happened to be in my eyeline plus I knew my boy was interested in one). Every time the 'lighter' one locked eyes with me she would do a little swivel of the hips dance and mimic sliding down the pole ('move your body like a snake ma') I wish I was not so shy, this is what is known in the trade as 'on a platter'.

Towards the end of the night I said something I regret, not because I was mean or aggressive or anything but because I accidentally embarrassed someone and I did not mean to I was genuinely trying to help: As I was walking to the W.C. this guy walking past me had something slip from his pocket so I immediately said "hey man you dropped your lipstick" because he dropped it. He immediately looked at me angrily and said "that is not mine and it's not lipstick" so I walked on but I made sure on the way out to stop and look at the item and it was definitely lipstick. So now I wonder if he was ashamed of it, I clearly saw it fall from his pocket - maybe he was carrying it for his girl, maybe it was his (though he did not have any on and did not look like the type to wear), or and this one I hope is not true, he robbed some poor girls purse and just shoved everything in the purse in his pockets with plans to sift through later. No matter what it was, the reaction seemed . weird and I truly just wanted to help.

Finally, DARTS. You have to love the competitive nature of guys. Yau and I talked smack to each other about dart skills ignoring the fact that neither of us had ever seen each other play and of course even though it was late and post bar and we both have work in the morning we had to play a game of darts...he won the first which immediately necessitated a rematch which I won..."take that with you". So now Yau, we are 1-1 and that game you won was the last you will ever win against me!


Bless...

Hahaha Happy Birthday and "you cannot call your ex-girlfriend a whore"

Editor's update: Much of this was written yesterday but I did not post because of a conversation I had (with an Ex).

Happy Birthday Chica.
Let's hit the Randomize button:
- You cannot say an ex is a whore and not expect questions as to who
- Watching Lakers' games with Yau, makes the Lakers' games fun.
- Watching Lakers' games with Yau and having the Lakers LOSE make the games ENJOYABLE!
- Watching Yau's reaction while the Lakers lose is Heavenly
- Hoping the Lakers get Swept is just icing on the cake...even if half my LA friends might stab me...heck what are a few lacerations between friends?

- The Mavs and the Heat are looking like the 2 best teams, (thank goodness I picked the Heat to win it all) the rest of my bracket looks like Gas Station toilet paper, it is not even 2 ply and it looks like cardboard.

- Damn I miss riding Mountain bikes, I even more miss being fearless on the bike.
- I rode to a location that I was new to and it was only 3 miles (with traffic) and it took me 25 minutes
- I rode home from same location and now confident in where I was going did it in 9 minutes (flat road both ways before some ass tries to claim downhill)

- I am fat, I cut my ice-cream intake and gained bloody weight...you know what that means...time to up my ice-cream intake (and for me that can be breathtaking).

- This weekend's hike is going to be Bloody Fun; maybe I should warn the peeps that it is 6 miles round-trip!
- Nah most of the group are experienced hikers and badasses. Plus if anyone falls we have strong enough guys to carry them...I am looking at YOU NINJA!
- Hollywood Sign hiking seems like something everyone in LA should do...I know only a few that have ever done it.

- Unless you know the answer in advance some questions asked of exes immediately become sticky.
- I think one of my exes may have broken up with her boyfriend, I say may because last night when I asked what they were going to do for her birthday the conversation became as frosty as that Tub of Dulce De Leche that waits for me in the freezer.
- The problem? I tripped over myself trying to run away from the initial question while trying to look back to see the answer!
- I mean I have to ask the follow up right? You cannot get frosty on the first question and not at least try to scrape the glass to see what is in there.
I think part of why I was so hesitant to ask/find out was because...it really should mean nothing to me!
- After all as the Stone COLD V there is no lingering physicality to look back on forward to...
SONG BREAK:
"Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you

But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too

Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor"

BACK
- Good grief I suck at shopping for gifts.
- First I suck at even remembering to buy gifts in general, there have been countless times I have shown up at events and realized that I should have gotten a gift---I had to give my cousin cash because I forgot (granted I think cash is better, but it goes against that whole 'thought that counts' thing)
- But when I do remember I hate the shopping process; most of my friends already have too much (not playing the kid from the 3rd world card I seriously believe this). I think about getting them stuff and nothing seems needed or practical.
- Let me quickly take an ex here: I want to get her a gift but she is dating a dude; so the gift cannot be extravagant (u know like giving her windows TV or anything...yup I am taking a shot at someone here) so my plan of getting her a Blu Ray goes out the window; but it cannot be intimate either, so there goes things like jewelry or Teddy Bears or clothing of the lacy variety; I have not seen her in ages so cannot be clothing of any sort, with my luck I go too small too tight or something she no longer wears (whoops reviewing this I realized I did not put 'or too big' I swear I had it in my head to put that too); it cannot be music/dvds, cause really those are weak sauce choices and in our case she thinks her musical taste is superior to mine SHE IS WRONG and she never gives me credit for introducing her to artists Corinne Bailey Rae, Lupe Fiasco, Melonie Fiona, just to name a few...but really you can never know what music/dvds someone u have not seen in ages has.
- So now you are regulated to the simple things, things you may have heard the person likes, things they might be doing (like cooking) things that everyone needs like Soap - (especially those peeps who always seem to run out of soaps and have to turn the bottle upside down so the very last drop can come out, and then add water for that desperate morning when you have to shower before work but you forgot to hit the Ralph's or CVS that are pretty much on the same block as your work place...but I digress) or you get them things from shows you know they love
- For instance I would be lost if I had to get a gift for Yau, the kid has everything and needs nothing (and I am not getting anyone a Hooker [the idea is too demeaning to me - and comes to lingering feelings of the whole purchasing/renting a human thing, but that is a different discussion]) so I would probably just get him booze (though he is Asian and does get the flush) or just take him to a bar.
- So if I cannot buy for peeps who I am close to it is unfair pressure to ask me to do it for casual peeps
- But the obligation is still there and I honour it...when I remember it

- I have a knife by my bed
- Nope I am not a killer, nope I do not fear death or someone coming to get me. I just needed it one day to cut something and it was super helpful and now I find myself constantly using it, in place of scissors...I really need to put it back in the kitchen, I am becoming way too comfortable having a knife that close to me.
- I am surgical with the knife, not a boast just a statement of fact

- My scrabble game is improving as my tennis game deteriorates! I hope they are not related
- JT if you are reading this...I challenge you to a tennis game ASAP I need help (I will be the person wearing heavy sweats so no one can see my body).

FINISHERS
- Hopefully I make it up to SF in a week and a half
- It looks like a glorious summer
- I miss my lifting buddy
- Ice cream is good for you
- Snickerdoodles are tasty
- Express gyms SUCK
- Vodka in a water bottle is not crazy, (look up the Russian word for water)
- And damn one of my exes sometimes looks like Eliza Dushku, dances EXACTLY like her, and sometimes acts just like how you probably pronounced her last name!

Selah

Going to see Prince this Thursday!

Of Course you know I am going to include a clip of Dave Chapelle playing Prince, playing Charlie Murphy in a game of Basketball.

But before I get to that. I really thought about getting my ex tickets to Prince, she is into music and I think she would enjoy the concert. Then reality hit me and I realize that we talk so infrequently I cannot call her to find out if she would want to go so I do not even know if it is even cool to take her to a concert (I know she went to a show with one of her exes while we were 'dating' and she does not know I know, but I know and I was not happy, though not really angry) since she has a dude.

I also know that I would rather eat a bullet than get her tickets for both her and her current boyfriend and I would never be so callous as to just get her a solo ticket and go "here stand by yourself".

Ah well the perils of being exes: What is funny is that I got my boy and his 'possible' a pair of tickets which I think might actually be better than my own tickets! Yau...I hope it gets you more than a 'possible'. So even though I am not going as a couple I still ended up getting 'couple tickets'

I expect this concert to be bloody amazing. So far no one I know who has gone has had a single complaint and if you knew LA crowds/peeps you would know that is bloody unusual. This tour has already taken on legen(wait for it)dary status with peeps telling me crazy things like Alicia Keys and Mint Condition appearing on stage...yes I said Mint Condition, no I did not realize they were still together either (focus damn it we are talking about Prince here, Sorry 'Id and Ego' may have just taken over or a second). I have heard stories of 1 hour encores and even activities after the lights come up! I am really trying NOT to drive so I can just be care-free and party like its 199...ok I cannot finish that I refuse to be that guy.

Anyway it is time for the Prince sketch, it is a classic and seriously if your do not already know this sketch you really need to get the box Set of Chappelle Show and I would really love to know who jacked mine.

GAME BLOUSES

Things I think I think I know...the Runyon Canyon hike edition

MUSIC:
- AMG kills it in his one and only song that everyone knows...seriously I do not know any other song than "B#$%H betta have my money": "It ain't nothing like black p---- on my d---" An amazing intro line combining lust, black pride and misogyny all in one amazing delivery that lets you know where the song is going to go
- This year in rap has been killing it so far...'Hey Muma', 'You be killing 'em', 'Boom' are sick.
- For a rapper that I constantly make fun of I have way too many Waka Flocka Flame songs...But seriously who does not like yelling out "WAAAAKKAAAA"?
- Rebecca Black's 'Friday' has better lyrics than most Lady Gaga and Katy Perry songs, the problem is...she really cannot sing

RANDOM
- I love hiking...I just hate organizing hiking.
- I always feel great after hiking...I feel lousy at the start
- Lenora Crichlow is amazingly hot...the bloody grey sweater just really does it for me.
- Sinead Keenan is sneaky hot too...even with the whole Werewolf thing
- If you are not watching BBC America, you are wasting your cable privileges
- BBM makes flirting ridiculously easy...maybe too easy

- I cannot abide liars...because other peeps lie so much, they expect everything you say in jest to be a lie also
- Girls are crazy...ok that was unnecessary but come on still fun to say
- Men are crazy too...damn politically correct conscience

GYM
- I have increased my Bench Press by 80lbs in one month...I was clearly slacking off the previous year.
- Leg pressing 4xs your body weight feels bloody awesome when others look at your weight stack...trying to step off the sled is not so awesome when you become light headed.
- My boy and I have become gym rats...we realized this when we hit the gym and about 20 different people gave us looks of recognition!
- We try and try not to flirt with girls at the gym, we do NOT want to be 'Those guys' but...I notice that we are slipping into comfortable patterns of talking to the girls we see every day, and just like a work place or a bar you frequent - words get exchanged.
- I got lucky that the girl who teased me that I was only lifting 20lbs walked by just as I maxed out the machine...if she had walked past 5 mins earlier she would have seen my 'warm up weight' which is pretty much TWENTY POUNDS
- Eli is a great lifting partner, helps to push me, watches the weight stack diligently, helps me keep form and understands joint limitations and pains...and that bastard is the WORST person when it comes to making me laugh at the most inopportune time. I bloody know one of these days one of us idiots is going to make the other laugh and drop a weight on a body part...hopefully its something non vital like our hearts
- The Dougie is a bloody fun dance...watching Eli some how managing to reverse it makes it a funny dance.
Zumba
- It is a great dance workout...guys avoid it like the plague
- I thoroughly enjoyed my time in that class...I felt bloody awkward when the girls started to do 'booty pops and chest shakes'
- If you are the only (and this is NO exaggeration) the only man in a class with 64 women (yup I counted, when in awkward situations I take stock) girls tend to forget that you are there...I am used to women wearing just sports bras in the gym, but 40 plus women in sports bras sweating and dancing becomes awkward especially when many have dancers' bodies...what is more awkward is when they forget you are in the room and start tugging, adjusting and comparing - thank goodness I am black, I am pretty sure I was blushing

SCRABBLE
- I am quite clearly addicted...and now having it on my BB is a bad idea
- I love playing my friends, I love the smack talk and the back and forth...I especially love that when my friends hit a big move I instantly know it because I suddenly get questions like "are you going to play?" or messages letting me know its "Ur turn".
- As atrocious as my spelling is (seriously mom thanks for pointing it out and killing my self esteem) I am good at scrabble (really good)...I would be excellent if I could bloody spell.
- None of my exes are willing to play me in scrabble...it might be me?

EXES
- Hahah, hahahah hahahah...hey it is a personal blog.
- So far all are alive...I think, since one has just stopped talking to me!
- I am getting along really well with one...either she is single or she has multiple boyfriends but since we are getting along it is safer for me not to ask her anything like that
- One of my exes is a ho...no seriously she is...I feel dirty - she basically admitted some crazy stuff to me, seriously makes me re-evaluate myself.

CONVERSATIONS:
- I am too sarcastic...that will probably not change
- People really admit too much to me...I am still not sure what it is, I think it is the deep voice and the poker face (that part does not work on the phone)
- The things I hear scare, excite, confuse, encourage, depress and leave me speechless...that is just monday night.
- "Tiffany box for a BJ, did you really say that?" That was my reaction to a girl telling me what she expects from the guy she is currently talking to...he is married
- EVERYTHING MY DAD SAID IN OUR ONE AND ONLY CONVO ABOUT WOMEN WAS RIGHT...problem is we had that convo this year
- Yau is right it's cool to make friends at any age.

Jersey Shore recap, come on no way do I know what episode # DVR says "The great Depression"

So I heard a good theory on the 'BS report' which attempted to explain why it seemed like the kids on JS can be so angry with each other one day and super happy with each other the next; almost as if they were seeing something that we were not able to see. The theory is that they are actually watching the Miami season as the 3rd season is being filmed. I do not think they are watching, I think they all just watched it heading into the new season and as their booze addled brains float in and out of consciousness they realize their feelings.

So the Epi starts with Ron crying actually crying is mild he is weeping, look I know some men cry, but these are the kind of tears that you usually see reserved for death. "Some days doctor situation, chef situation...bang your girl situation" Hahah Ron immediately realizes how ridiculous it is to listen to the S(n)itchuation talk about relationships.

"Mentally I feel like I have been abused" that is what Sam says, funny cause that is how I feel when watching this damn show. And nope not making light of abuse, I really feel like that relationship is bloody abusive, and I am usually hesitant to throw around that word. Heck NT for ages has called him Rapey and abusive and I stuck up for him, but damn the last few weeks of epis, has looked extreme.

Ron going to the girls looking for sympathy just strikes me as odd. That is like wearing fur to a PETA board meeting. And now he goes to the boys and Vinnie immediately makes a joke...maybe this is why he went to the girls first.

"1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a prank war" So announces Pauly D. If it was not for the rhyming nature of the sentence I would think that, that is as far as he could count. I know I was not the only one shocked that the girls could fit UNDER the beds. While the prank war is going on, I notice that the Sitch is sleeping...he really has lost his MVP status this season.

Snooks looking for her Crocodile pillow reminds me of an ex that would always sleep with a body pillow that was long and cylindrical...I am not saying I'm just saying...weird huh? So we already have Mike Snitchuating again. Oh damn it: Vinnie just called the Situation, Snitchuation not like I thought I was new with this or anything, but anytime the JS kids come up with something that I have come up with also...a little piece of me dies inside.

And there we go a Skins ad, with its ratings I actually thought it might have been cancelled.

Ron claims that Sam is the one he loves the most. OK NT, you are right, "he is the Ike Turner of the Jersey Shore". Did they really blame Ron for clogging not 1 but 3 toilets? That is scary and impressive. Damn it Ron man up, you cannot be crying in the bathroom. You really know Snooks has to go because she called him Ronaldo [Damn another week, and I just find out a real name? I need to quit this show].

The girls are supposedly hurrying to remove Sam's stuff from her room so Ron does not see it and get depressed. Yet they look like they are moving backwards. And how do you bloody forget a huge bag in the closet? I do not care how metro they might think Ron is, that purse was never going to be his. If I was in that house and ever wanted to know anything I would immediately just ask the Snitch. Come on Ron, if you want to know who moved Sam's stuff just ask him.

I think it is smart of that T-shirt store to give them Uniforms that have the stores name on front and the kids name on back...great promotion and I bed those damn shirts sell like hot cakes. Hmm now I want cake, I think I will make a cake or at least giant chocolate chip cookies today. Guess I have to hit the gym for a couple hours today.

Sorry to quote the 'BS report' again but they brought up a great point; If Tiger Woods had Ronnie's skills Elin would not only have stayed with him she would have thought all his cheating was her fault.

Ok so Paulie finds a disgusting pair of undies in the bathroom and instead of hmm I don't know, leaving them there, or throwing them away he instead takes them to the living room and puts them on a bean bag...but Deena adds to that disgusting level and PICKS THEM UP! I think Ron with his immense logic might be right, she touched them, they must be hers.

Damn it, I need to see single Ronnie. Hmm really convenient that a 'Friend' that just happens to be Paulie's ex just conveniently shows up. Mike's way of dancing with her kind of feels Rapey (shout out to NT).

Ron declares that he will get her back (Sam) because "I get what I want". Sounds creepy when he says it. But, I often think like that. mini M.O.T. here, I think like that all the time, in fact I recently admitted to 2 girls that I ended up dating that when I first saw them I turned to my homies and said I would date them. Even though at the time, both had bfs at the time. BUT I never ever have taken another man's girl: not my move.

"I wanna meet hot guerilla juice heads" but instead Snooks meets a "Mario Brother". I find that the guys Snooks really likes are pretty much the opposite of what most of my friends like. "Deena turns into the Sloppapotamus a combination of a Slop tart and a Hippopotamus put together" so says the Sitch, then tries to repeat the word and stutters his way through his second attempt...but he still keeps the Poet Laureate throne.

Ronnie comforting a girl, just seems crazy...but then he demands that she go get him supplies and things feel right.

Really kid, you 'cock blocked' someone and then go back to that house to tap one of the roomies? Suspiciously stupid, like you just want to be on camera stupid. Vinnie's girl just hangs on his arm like a limpet. She is like an adornment like a Fur stole. Wow kid actually asks in the middle of the Smush "what's my name?" then finds out that Snooks does not know his name...dumb move because he is clearly not going to stop the smush, and then finds out that his name is unnecessary to the operation.

No way Ron cannot really be thinking of leaving! I demand to see single Ronnie, none of this moping despondent beast.

Ok I am off to hit the gym. I figure 5 miles on the Elliptical, 1 hour lifting will allow me to eat Spicy chicken crispers and chocolate chip cookies.

Stop when you have heard this b4, Sammie and Ronnie got into a fight…Jersey Shore recap.

Oh we start with the ‘previously on Jersey Shore’ which recaps the previous Ron and Sammie dust up…ok actually this could be the start of every JS episode. It feels right that at the same time I am watching JS I am looking up the history of Malt Liquor.

The Sitch is on his snitch game and it is not even 2 minutes into the episode. He might have set a new record for speed-snitching. [A quick aside: Sitch is supposedly leaving after the next season to try and get into movies…just let that marinate in your head.] I have said it before and I will say it again, Deena has a surprisingly good body, for some reason her face just does not make you think she would, I hope that is not mean.

So Ron walks past a bar with Pauly waves to Sam and Sam turns to Deena and claims that Ron is walking with a girl: I think this is a case of if you want to see something, you will see it. I love that Ron is brewing and stewing for a fight with the Sitch and Sam just keeps pushing buttons. Watching this makes it so much funnier that when Ron picked her up at the start of the season Sam’s mom told him to take care of her.

I always love the Situation’s recaps of events: his version and the actual events are never ever in synch. Sometimes they are so far off I almost wonder if the editors cut parts out of his brain, not just the tape. Whoa, smooth move by the Sitch, dropping in the fake apology. Hell even Pauly D. spots it calling it a Voodoo trick. Where the hell was Snooks and Jwoww while that whole fight was going on? Sometimes it seems like people just get cut out of the script, oops I mean house.

I just blanked out over the last Sam and Ron fight, I figure there will be another this episode so I barely paid attention. “I used to drink the beer promoted by Billy Dee By the bodega in chancletas and a white tee”

So I was right and another fight starts, Vin asks Pauly if he should go up and separate and he is discouraged. Hahah Pauly D, complains that he cannot clean his shoes while they are fighting. Did Sitch just say “I have to go up there and get my backwards hat”? Please tell me he is not talking about a cap that you just turn backwards. Whoa Ron…if they chick is on the bed, you really might not want to start turning it over…not a good look. I am not going as far as abusive, but it is close man, it is damn close. And your threat to take girls home and “Fu@k the Sh!t out of them” really, really comes off rapey. (NT did not actually say that to me, but I am pretty damn certain she is thinking it). Though I am sure O, agrees with his sentiment, if not his attitude.

Hahah the fight continues through a commercial break, and I think about how quickly producers jump into fights on other TV shows even other MTV shows, but here; yeah, let’s have a dude toss a bed around with a girl on it. Oh crap, Sitch was looking for a baseball cap, I wonder if he knows that the hat actually works in 2 directions? I also cannot stop laughing that he is wearing an ESPN ‘Sportsnation’ cap.

Watching Snooks and Deena move Sammie’s bed harkens back to the days of watching Sitch and Pauly D working on their Engineering degrees in Miami when they tried to dismantle Angelina’s bed. Apparently moving a bed downstairs “is an analogy to Vin trying to fit his penis in my pinhole” – Snooks, again going after the Poet Laureate crown.

Damn it, I need to examine myself because Sammie is actually looking hot to me right now and for once she is not dancing in a fashion that looks like she is having a seizure. Ronnie says “I want to f-ing ring your neck right now” note, he says this is a bloody confessional, which means he had time to think about the words he chose to use. And we are back to Ron redecorating his room aka throwing all of Sammie’s stuff out the door and smashing things, yeah no rage there at all. As Sammie returns to the house she utters these words “I am scared to [sic] what I am walking into” not a good sign when a girl utters those words. I have been mean to girls in my past, we all have bad moments, but I am certain very certain that no girl has ever uttered those words when coming home to my house or any house that I am in.

Ron’s rationale goes beyond hypocrisy; it is an amazing ability to just block out your own wrongs and find fault with someone doing the exact same thing you did/do. He made out with a bunch of girls got numbers, his ex dances with a guy and they are equivalents: “I rather you do it while I am not there” that is his rational for destroying her stuff.

Look I am shy, I mean shy to the point that very few of my friends have ever seen me kiss a girl, and these kids blatantly tell the world that they are about to have sex, and even come out modeling lingerie. I am pretty damn sure I would not be able to make out on this show much less loudly proclaim that I want/need the smoosh room. I am going to hate myself, but I am definitely watching the after-show.

Looks like Sammie is leaving the house – is it for good? Hey NT, I win the bet! It is like price is right, closest to the number without going over. You know what? When Sam tells the kids that she is leaving, they seem sympathetic, but no one really seems to fight hard to get her to stay. Whoa Ron just called her by her full name Samantha. I just realized that I am so ingrained into calling her Sam or Sammie that I did not even think that her real name was Samantha, I mean I knew it had to be, but I still did not really register it…maybe this show really does kill brain cells! Until I actually saw that cab door close I was still concerned that she might come back into the house. Bit suspicious that the cab that Sammie in just happens to have cameras in it!

Ok time for the after-show: no clue if I will blog it. Let’s just see how it goes

Whew Julissa is such a horrible interviewer but cot damn she is sexy. Damn, unseen footage, this is worth it: I cannot believe that big girl labeled herself ‘a bomb’ and tried to get with the Sitch, feels like a blatant star-bleeper. Grenade, to grenade launcher, to the Tank…these are apparently the levels of girls to avoid. I am a big fan of the face made by the Sitch when the grenade whistle went off.

Wow I have no attention span, while watching the Aftershow I broke off to listen to the old School, Rah Digga, ‘Party and Bullsh!t’: “I beat that bitch with a bat” I think the Ronnie Sammie fight triggered it.

Fastest man alive...at least in the gym tonight

So I did what I found funny but I suspect is a bit of a douchey thing in the gym today. There is a boot camp class that about 3/4 of the way through always goes into wind sprints. So knowing that just about 5 minutes before I knew they would get to wind sprints I slipped into the class. Now remember the rest of the class is at this point struggling for their 3rd and 4th wind, much less a 2nd wind.

So once the wind sprints started I was Usain Bolt, I am already sneaky fast as I have told u many a time. But combine my Ninja quick with already fatigued persons and I was lapping peeps!

I was so far ahead of everyone for the return half of the sprint it looked like I was running by myself. When we switched to relays my team of 6 was finished before some teams got to their 4th runner.

In one of the relays I was so cocky I ran an extra time and we still won. Now I did not do this for ego, but rather just for the fun of it: But best believe that when a girl complimented me. - I preened like I had just won the gold

So u would think that after invading the class just to 'show off' in sprints I would stick around for the rest of class. You would be wrong. Sprints ended and so did my class participation, I left my valiant competitors and headed back to getting my 'swoll on'

Jersey Shore or “you need a golden ticket to get into these drawers”

Is the Sitch really hitting on the girl with the line “I’ve got Situation pajamas for real”. Any girl that has watched the show has to know what that means.

I worry when I like Ronnie’s actions towards Sammie…cause I do not want to feel like a misogynist. But then Nicole loves it, so I do not feel too horrible. However, no matter how bad I feel about Ron’s treatment of Sammie…the fact that Sitch is trying to smush in a room that contains a couple puking almost requires a special award. I cannot think of one because I am so disgusted, but it needs an award.

Snooks fell asleep in the dog enclosure. Hahah why does that feel so right?

“Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass?” Hahah Sammie seems way too happy to say that. Watching the doctor explore Ronnie’s anus on TV is disturbing…come on MTV we could have had this closed door. So Ronnie’s bleeding may be caused from too much drinking? Cot damn dude, you drink way too much when that is an issue. I have friends who are raging alcoholics and this is not even close to happening to them…or maybe it is and they keep it A BLOODY SECRET.

So the topic in the car is female masturbation: This sadly is what I think will be the deepest conversation of the show and we are only 10 minutes in…maybe I should stop watching this show. But Nicole and Ofelia would kill me. Snooks rides a tricycle and breaks it, no, really, no one saw that coming.

“I told him I am taking his sperm” Snooks keeps her position as the #1 contender for the Situation’s poet laureate crown. Watching these kids out at clubs I remember my college days…and I really hope I was not like this group. Though, sometimes I do have flash backs to Spring Break in South Padre – not saying it was anything like this and since I never lie, I will just stop talking about my memories. I love that Deena blatantly tells everyone that they need to go home immediately because she has plans ‘to cuddle’. But then in a surprise move tells us that “it is not Halloween I am not hiding out candy for free, you need a golden ticket to get into these drawers” watch out Snooks you may lose that contender status – then Deena immediately gives it up. Somewhere Chapelle as Rick James is laughing “Yeah I stepped on your couch”. Back to contender status, Snooks in the middle of sexual escapades announces “ugh…my period” now you might wonder how could that put her back to #1 but really, it is short sweet and effective it lets you immediately know what is happening.

Snooks explains to us why she never enters the ocean and why it is salty (she also shows us that she is a brilliant scientist as well as the #1 C.) “It is all whale sperm”. Is it bad of me that I would think that, that would be an incentive for her to enter the ocean?

Oh no, did that idiot really think that Pauly D was an answering service? Answer: Yes. The usual ‘Skins’ ad aside: Why is it that none of their ads grab my attention or even make me want to consider their show? But the Ronnie Xenedrine ads? Whew that level of bad acting cannot be skipped through, I have to stop and watch him try to read his lines every time.

I noticed 2 things while the girls were at the sex store: Deena clearly got jealous at how Jwoww looked and secondly Sammie looked like she went because she felt it was an obligation.

“What don’t I do for Sam, beside wipe her ass and cook for her?” Ron sneaking into the contender ring – Watch your backs Snooks and Deena.
The T-shirt job gig is so blatantly fake: they make about 30G an episode they clearly do not need or care about this job. Their boss noted that they came in 2 hours late and they are not even wearing their ‘work t-shirts’ and they do not even try to apologize instead they attack him. The t-shirt shop just needs them for free publicity because otherwise they are the worst workers on earth.
Another show that just cannot grab me is ‘My life as Liz’ it looks horrendous. Nothing in its ads makes me feel like it is for me.

“Face down ass up that is the way I like to have a good time” Deena is really rolling for the crown. Oh and yes Tracy “Face down ass up” is a song! Deena asks Pauly D a valid question “Are you really bringing the stalker home?” Pauly complained for much of the first season that a girl was a stalker, then she throws a drink in his face this season…and he brings her home. Damn this chick is sitting through a million stalker jokes and she has the crazy eyes. She is NOT meeting the proper ratio of hot to crazy. Hot Crazy scale HIMYM watch and laugh

Ronnie and Sammie are fighting surprise, surprise. They are breaking up AGAIN. Sammie wants him to look her in the face to break up…then when he does she wants to talk some more. Methinks the lady did not think she would get called out. ‘Drive Angry’ – they have clearly run out of movie titles and Nick Cage will take anything offered, I doubt he even reads a script anymore he just hears he has a role and he signs the contract.

Oh wow, before seeing the show I told Nicole that I think Sammie was only on the show because Ronnie was there. And then Ronnie basically calls her out with my exact words. I am slightly afraid when Ronnie says things like “her not being with me, I can make her time here miserable”. That is the kind of thing you hear from dudes that well…let’s just leave that alone.

And I was right, female masturbation was the deepest convo of the episode.

Sometimes my dreams wake me up v.12.3

Last night my boys and I went out drinking and then we got a late night Philly Cheese Steak. I have often heard people blame late night food for causing crazy dreams and maybe now I have to believe in that viewpoint.

My dream last night was so vivid and 'real' that I did not get a good night of sleep, all bloody HOUR that it was. I may have to avoid late night Philly's if they really cause vivid dreams because I cannot afford my sleep to be affected by dreams with the horrible insomnia that I suffer from. I also find it weird that I was able to fall into a dream so quickly. I wonder if my insomnia allows for quicker REM cycles and entering deep sleep stages faster than normal folks. I could look this up, or I could wildly speculate...I will go with wild speculation and say that I entered it rapidly and that is not normal.

So Derek has been insisting the last few times I have been around him that I should do stand up comedy. An idea I am very resistant to. I am witty in small settings, I can easily make fun of people, their mistakes, appearances, actions and words. But that is because I am relaxed around friends, quick witted and willing to make fun without being mean. BUT, I do not have the ego to think that I could actually stand before an audience and entertain them. In fact to me that would be a horrifying thought. And that horrifying thought is part of what laced the dream. I should add right now that I woke up panting as if I had run a mile or in my case engaged in public speaking, which always charges me up and gets my heart racing.

So in my dream the Eagle Rock clique (yup I call my different groups cliques based on their locations: The Irvine clique, now excludes me; the Hermosa Beach Clique makes me look like a little guy {an aside to the aside: My bro and his gf were having dinner and he saw me walk out of a restaurant with the HB clique and turned to his gf and said words that I have often uttered [Blood relation and mind connection] "When was the last time you ever saw Aaron being the smallest guy in a group?" - I am currently 208lbs and still the smallest guy in the HB clique} and the South Pas/Eagle Rock clique makes us look like the United Nations) were all out at a bar which somehow led to us going to a concert - dreams yeesh u just jump around to locations with impunity.

Derek apparently knows the MC of the show, NT, is a feted celeb, Ofelia has her 'ladies' being ogled by various peeps as she walks the red carpet, Tracy somehow is dating not one but 2 Texas Rangers players and they are with our clique (I think that might have been inspired by the fact that we had drinks in a bar with Robert Horry, some small time actors and a few baseball players) Yau was buying Uggs (look the concert had a great concession store) and insisting that he would not cook crab brought in from outside the arena. But the painful part is that while they are all rolling down the Red Carpet like ballers I was bringing up the rear combing out my afro. Thing is as I walked the carpet I could feel tangles in my fro which I kept trying to twist out (I kid you not I woke up this morning and I had twisted parts of my hair) so I was not getting to meet the fans of the other guys...none of the fans were there for me.

The dream then jumps: Derek is on stage, NT and O are in the front row, T-money is sitting in a player's lap (dirty girl) while the other player looks ticked and Yau has multiple girls trying to talk to him. I however am in the back of the arena, nervously sweating. My brain I think was trying to wake me up, because I started to question my dream while in the dream, I kept telling myself this must be a nightmare because I knew something bad was going to happen. Well in the dream bad things started to happen to peeps around me while leaving me ok. People were getting slimed like the old school Nickelodeon show 'You can't do that on TV'. Anytime anyone answered a question wrong, or had a bad performance, or took too long to start singing they were slimed. It was a horrible mix of American Idol, YCDTOTV, Last Comic Standing, and Showtime at the Apollo.

But, no biggie, everyone was getting slimed but I was clearly safe right? Because no way was I ever going on that stage. So why was I sweating so much? Then I saw Derek grab the mic, NT and O started walking towards me, Tracy started pointing at me, and Yau who was now right beside me yelled "Oh here go hell come" even in my bloody dreams it seems I try to keep racial integrity. I felt my legs start to propel me down the arena, which I realized became the Nokia theater and as I am walking towards the girls I started to remove my watch (leather band - Oh crap, this means I am worried about getting slimed) I remove the gold bracelet because I do not want the force of the slime to break the links (apparently I thought the slime would hit me like a hurricane) then as I am handing them to NT I yell, "This means nothing, I am not going to get slimed I am just doing this because the rules say take off jewelry" I hand O my wallet (hmm...should I be worried that the girls are handed all my valuables?) with the words "try not to spend all of it" I then jump on stage - it's a dream I can be athletic.

I am at this point furious with Derek, and basically threaten him with grievous bodily harm no matter the outcome. I tell him that if I get slimed, his life is forfeit and if I come out on top I am smashing his face in for getting me in this situation. Derek just chuckles (damn it FEAR ME IN MY DREAMS, and in real life) hands me the mic and then does what he always says he will do if we ever go to an open mic, he just starts yelling topics at me, and pointing to people in the audience for me to make fun of.

And I RIP THE STAGE. This is why it was a dream and not a nightmare, I performed an excellent set. I stood up there for 15 minutes and performed. What is crazy about it, is that in my dream I could feel myself on stage and I felt the passage of time, I felt myself running through a whole set. And unfortunately I could also feel myself stealing jokes from other comedians and using them on people in the audience...but I suspect that was necessary for the passage of time in the dream, there is no way I could have actually run through a set without having back up material. But the audience loved me, they laughed like I was Richard Pryor. I was so good that the guy with the slime controls started sliming people in the audience for laughing too hard. He then started sliming anyone I made fun of: By the time I was done almost half the audience was covered in green.

And then because clearly my dreams turn me into a cocky bastard I just held out my arms as if welcoming it all in and had the girls come on stage and replace my jewelry on my arms...because apparently if you are funny, you do not need to use your own hands. My wallet was placed in my back pocket in a rather awkward exchange and Tracy let me know that the players wanted to hang out with me because I was such a cool guy. I then told Yau to pick a girl because the rest were Derek's. Yeah clearly even in my dreams I cannot be a 'playa'.

So since I had created a commitment for Yau, and a 'playground' for Derek, I mysteriously became MARRIED...I think at this point my brain was starting to 'function' again because things really got fuzzy. I was married because I wanted to go home and 'celebrate' (good Christian upbringing) but I could NOT make out who my wife was. I do know that my friends were high-fiving me for such a good choice in the quality of girl and my parents were finally happy with me.

During the wedding that seemed to last only a minute (I suspect residual Vegas flashbacks) I still managed to refurbish my sister's house and win a death penalty case. So just as I was shaking hands with my client (who I really thought was guilty so I was having a crisis of conscience) I winked at the judge and got threatened with contempt of court and...WOKE UP!

Yup...that is my dream and if food is the reason for that brand of crazy, we might be in trouble because I just ate chicken pot pie and ice cream while typing this and it is 12:15am.

The Jersey Shore got me once again, this time with NT plugs

As always this is live blogged with no corrections so read it with a spoonful of caution and not for grammar
“I blame you for this Nicole”

So let’s do this again, a new epi of JS and NT and I had bbq chicken and pasta so we might as well watch the shore (aka the SHOW-AH seriously that is how they pronounce it) together.

It starts with something we see all the time…Ronnie and Sam fighting. When do they NOT fight? She is now claiming that Ron is the reason she is not friends with all the girls (I have an EX just like this) look, you cannot be mad at a guy for your issues, you need to handle your own stuff.

We see Snooki eating a whole potato with her fingers NT’s only words “EW”. Hahah Snooks tries to stick her hand down Vinnie’s shorts. Snook says “Tonight I just want to touch some cock” and she picks Vin’s because she says “It’s cute” ah the joys of being easy.

Oh nooooooo the Sitch is willing to have a 3some just because it’s a 3some which as he says becomes a “D-some”. “That is like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper and then they take away the chicken and you are just left with salt and pepper” This is how the Sitch describes the set up with Snooks and Deena getting into bed with him and then Snooks sneaking out of bed leaving him with Deena. “When a guy asks you if you took a shower” you are automatically in the wrong bed!

We are introduced to the ‘Kitchen Ditchen’ where someone waits for a partner to go to the restroom and then runs to the Kitchen to get food so they are unavailable.

“I wanna see Snooki eat it” those are the words of NT as we come out of commercial. Snooks hits the gym without underwear, and then immediately bends over. Snooks claims that her butt is burning so what does she do? What any normal person would do. She sticks her whole rear-end in the mini fridge…and as NT notes “SHE FITS”.

Interlude – Ronnie and Sam fighting again. I decided to call it an interlude because really it is just a portion of every show. Maybe I should call it the hook. “He seems like a beater” I love NT those are her words as she watches Ronnie berate Sam. “I need a mind condom, because I am getting mind F’d” Ronnie’s best line in about 10 shows.

If NT sees another ad for ‘Skins’ she might need a new TV because she is putting her fist through this sweet flat screen. As NT walks away to look at wedding pix she drops this “I cannot believe her ass fit in that fridge and then she said ‘I need to poop’” what is scary

Ron is going to the gym with the other guys, now we know he and Sam are done (who am I kidding…I mean on a break) he is able to go somewhere without her. Wow Paulie’s mimicry of a woman was so spot on that at first I actually thought it was a woman.

Sammi is apologizing. Now am I wrong for thinking that this apology is only coming out because she has NO ONE LEFT TO TALK TO? While she had her boy, she was calling all the girls bitches, hos, sluts and the c-bomb. But now, that she is ‘single’ she is apologetic?

My convo with NT just after Jwoww argues with her BF on the phone: Me; “She is reaching into the back of her closet, you know what that means?” NT; “Yeah she is reaching for the ultra ho gear tonight” Me; “yeah”. Sad that we think alike and we both know what is about to occur.

Not sure what it says about what we are watching when we can compare it to Porn and it feels right. “Dancing is my best thing” so says Deena, 2 seconds before she falls off the stage. How did Snooki just fall while standing straight up? Ok I know that sounds confusing but I mean, she was not walking, she was not dancing, she was not even trying to talk. She just went from standing straight up, to on the floor.
Damn the guy that just told Jwoww he is single just got busted and tried to use the “baby the music is too loud” line to buy some time to get away with not answering. Nice try dude, but there is always the continuation of the convo outside the club moment.

“Who is this fat bitch?” I love how descriptive NT can be sometimes. I do think that if you are snitching on TV you should at least be cute.
Jwoww just peed in a bar, then poured water on it with this disclaimer “I watered it down it does not smell anymore” that my friends is SCIENCE!

Interlude – Ronnie and Sam making up…”F’ing co-dependency is what it is called” NT’s contributions are short, sweet and accurate.

A girl throws a drink in Pauly’s face then Pauly comes on camera and says “I do not know why Danielle the stalker threw a drink in my face” Hmm I don’t know dude, maybe because you call her “Danielle the stalker” on National TV.

“DTFOmeter” Vinny is a classy man. “Vinny is getting it in and my girl does not want to get it in, so Pauly is getting some sleep” Maybe your girls does not want to get it in because you are trying to sleep with her infront of other people who are having sex? The rundown of Ronnie’s laughter by Vin comparing it to a dolphin causes NT and I to actually guffaw.

Snookie just asked her boss if he wants to “Funnel a beer” and his response of “It’s 10.30 in the morning” was greeted by her with “so?” I love this girl. “You are being psycho” is not something I have ever been able to say to any boss I have had, but now I think I have to use it.

I just confessed my love to a friend via BBM…I blame the JS.
NT: “I cannot believe you just made me eat a santa” yup that is our night.

Snooks is trying to take her purse into the ocean, pure class that girl. It must be nice to be fearless with cops: The cops are trying to help Snooks out and she starts to curse at them and fight them…none of my ‘tanned’ friends would ever take that chance with cops.
Deena just called what Snooks did “Drunken indecency” that should actually be a charge. NT wants us to file for that to actually be a code section.