Bachelor recap or why must we torture Canada also?

Now that I know that I have more than one reader of my recaps I really should pay attention to grammar syntax etc but nope.

I cannot believe I am watching a 2^nd straight night of the Bachelor.

Sean kicks the show off with, “I love Canada” I do too, but I would have bet serious money on Sean not being able to point it out on a map. And with that single line Sean pays off the Canadian board of Tourism.

Katherine (cutie) gets the one on one date (one on one – ten years ago all dates were automatically considered one on ones) and she is placed in what looks like a frozen tundra setting. She then uses the phrase “…Sean came and rescued me” when describing Sean arriving to pick her up, she is automatically seeming less cute to me and again leads to the question I voiced a few weeks back: These girls know this is not all real right? They know that they will not actually be left out in the cold permanently and left to die if he does not show up? Right? Right? Please say right.

Uh oh, my brother is up, I am strongly debating shifting to something else on the DVR I don’t even want to try to explain this to him. Even worse he is talking to me now, if I pause it to listen he will instantly know that I am taking this show seriously. Oh crap, Katherine’s story was so bad that I yelled “what the hell? Is this legit?” My brother is now laughing at me cause I yelled “Courtney you believe this, her friend dies in front of her at 12 and that made her realize immediately that she needed to get married?” My brother is now laughing at me and at Sean, who heard that BS story and said “I agree”.

I think I may have converted a new watcher. He is even making comments.

I stand by my thoughts from yesterday on Sean, he is a sadist; come on man, a polar bear plunge?

My bro’s thoughts on the life guard: “They deliberately chose someone unattractive so he would not compete with the Bachelor. Watching this with him could be fun. The real time back and forth comments are hilarious.

This is not suspicious at all, they all had swim suits available…yes I know the show could have brought it for them but yeah, it looks suspicious.

Oh Tierra, shockingly you are freezing, everyone else has decided to put on shoes, blankets and robes, but you decided to fall to the frozen ground conveniently while you have persons near you to scoop you up. Yes I am saying I think you faked this whole thing, yes I think you are a big bag full of crazy cats enough to risk hypothermia to make sure you did not go home. My bro after only watching for 5 minutes and before seeing the polar bear plunge fiasco labeled Tierra the “drama one”, I guess everyone in my family can quickly spot crazy…well maybe except for me; I tend to only see the crazy in girls after we break up.

(edit, I just added the pix, want to see if this works because maybe just maybe I am going to start using pix, unless it messes up the clean visuals which I use so my friends can sneak in reads while at work)

YUP, seeing Sarah’s one arm caught my bro by surprise too; makes me feel like less of an ass.

Wow Tierra puts on a lot of perfume. I mean wow, is that normal? Do girls normally do 200 passes with the spray?

Hahah should someone from DC (Lesley) so causally blend the words Tierra and Terrorist so easily? I don’t know but I love her for it; a Tierrorist is just an awesome word. When Tierra gives her confessionals and breaks down the other girls I am momentarily in love with her, then she keeps talking.

So Sean is booting Sarah, and though I knew it would eventually come I still feel bad, and I want to call the ADA (yup I know I am bad for that because I should not even care about her disability but…come on man, wait till the rose ceremony). Sarah’s packing scene shows why those scenes when a porter comes in to pick up a single rolling bag are such junk. This girl had so many things but yet when a girl gets booted the guy comes in and casually picks up a light small bag to signify she is off the show.

It is not a good date when the best part of your date is climbing a tree. Sean: “You are so positive” Girl (who is so boring on this date that I cannot bother to rewind to see her name): “I know”. Wha wha what? Who says “I know” to that? Oh man my neighbors are going to be so pissed, I just cackled because shortly after dropping the “I know” she then said “I think this is why I am so HUMBLE” (emphasis mine).

So Selma will not plunge in a lake but she will go against the wishes of her culture/parents and heritage to kiss the Bland Bachelor for a last second secure a rose moment. Hmm I wonder if typing BB will be faster than typing Sean, or at least will it cause me more fun?

Did BB kiss every single girl tonight? He might be milquetoast but at least he is testing the waters.

One rose, 3 girls, one family’s shame, one full bag of crazy and Tierra wins out again.

I guess St Croix is the latest country to offer free room and board to the Bachelor crew.

And yup I knew it, promotional consideration for this week’s episode paid for by Canada…oh Canada! 

And now because you have come to expect it, here is E's synopsis: 

Did they feel bad about all the dead bear shots in the lodge that they had to show some live ones at the beginning?

If Sean says he likes the outdoor one more time… he will maybe have hit the million mark.

I feel bad because as I watched the intro of "Tonight on the Bachelor" and it showed Tierra looking like death… I laughed.  Hard.

I don't know that I would trust Sean driving that beast of a snow bus.

Anyway, I just laughed at another replay of Tierra suffering.  What's wrong with me?

Any challenge that requires a medic because there is a good possibility of hypothermia and death is something I'd think twice about doing.  And that reminded me of a most awesome video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9tPJF3KN9w

HAHA! "I think I'm from Baghdad. We are warm weather people." As in she won't do cold stuff.  I love it.

And because of my DVR I missed the whole thing with Tierra getting too cold.  I am going to try and watch i again later when it isn't being such a little bitch.  And… motherfucker.  DVR back to playing now that the big scene is over. I hayt u dvd, u going to hell tomorrow.

And… there goes one arm girl.  Finally.

More live bears…

Okay, I am leaving my computer so IF I have additional musings I'll send another email.

E

Bachelor recap or…milking the one arm thing again

As always, slap-dashed together for a live blog with E. Her super-concise version is below my not so concise version

I am not sure I can do 2 straight days of this show. My first 30 minutes of the show is not a great recollection, my bro is in town and I was cooking dinner while watching the show in an attempt to quickly sneak in the show so he could not A. see it on my DVR and B. catch me watching it. 

They fly the girls out to Montana, at first I was thinking wow that has to be an expensive trip then I realized instantly how dumb that thought was, if you fly one you can fly all just rent a damn plane. 

Tierra does not hesitate to quickly show us the crazy, celebrating going on a date that all the other girls fear.

The girls do some weak-sauce competition with the big issue being they will have to end it all by drinking goat’s milk and there was actual hesitation – seriously? That is a problem? Drinking MILK! Of course the one-armed young lady mentions here arm as part of the challenge, but luckily it is not a challenge that will be hindered by the arm, or the lack thereof. I am beginning to think that Sean has a thing for watching girls engage in potentially harmful activities, he was beaming as those girls sawed a log. The girls that won are justifiably mad that they won the challenge but Sean still decides to bring the other girls on the date, Aaron loves that Selma got so pissed off that she spoke in the 3^rd person, though Aaron suspects she does it all the time. 

Tierra brings a whole bucket of crazy into the night by sneaking into Sean’s confessional time, which also lets us see Sean trying to turn on the charm for the camera when the producers ask him questions designed to entice great answers…DULL DULL DULL DULL DULL GUY. He should just walk around with his shirt off to keep the ladies enticed and piss guys like myself off (“don’t get mad, get motivated”). 

Ugh another girl uses the “this is like a fairy tale to me” line, I hate that, I cannot trust anyone who says that.

 Cut to Tierra and Jackie getting the date card info and I suddenly realize I want Tierra to win not just because I don’t want that bag of crazy cats to leave yet, but also because of the name of the contestant she is going up against, I should probably talk to a pro about that. 

Contestants’ comforting each other is just weird to me, I might mock Tierra, but she at least plays the game aggressively, I know you do not need to undermine a contestant, but no way am I propping you up. It has become a clear formula, cry in front of Sean, and get a rose, any girl who has not see that yet is blind.

Can ice form between 2 persons in a car? Because the drive to Sean with Tierra and Jackie was frosty! I wonder if the first time a Bachelor was told he was having a ’2 on 1’ date his first thought was “YES THREESOME”

Wow that date with Jackie was boring, I know she was trying her hardest to snitch on Tierra while not snitching but yeesh it led to a boring date, it led to me making up ice-cream combos in my head, and then going to the freezer to get them. Now I have my bowl filled with French vanilla, cupcake party and and fried ice-cream, no chocolate tonight. (sorry Robyn). Does ‘cosmetics consultant’ mean you work at a makeup counter? Cold blooded move ‘Bachelor’ Jackie’s limo is driving away and fireworks are going off, that is awesome sauce (Shout out to my co-worker).

Damn it, I got shocked by the one arm thing again, I am live blogging the show titled the post about it and it still shocked me, I can never get over it. I always wonder if people focus on my scar when they see me and now, I wonder even more, thanks ‘Bachelor’ for making me even more insecure.

 Desiree “it seems like he gives roses to girls who are having a hard time” yup she gets it, her brains such as they are come out more and more each week.

I taught a few ex-gf’s how to throw punches; it was something I thought they should know. But if anyone ever taught Tierra how to fight, they should be locked up forever!

Sean asks the girls about Tierra, gets an answer then says he is not getting the right answers, shocking! Just admit that you do not want to hear anything they have to say about her.

Tierra strikes again and Robyn goes home, though I cannot help but think that bad chocolate joke from last week had a part to play in it! 

Anf now E's recap; 

Just a few comments tonight:

Fake excitement over going to Montana. You know the girls are like meh.

I am 3 for 3 for not knowing the musical guest. Not surprising tonight since it was country, but still...

Any time Tierra speaks, I just think she is more psychotic. Her actions do nothing to make me think I'm wrong.

Wow, that Daniella went in for the kiss! She was all crying an then BAM! Hot kiss. Lol

Robyn was so flipping mad the whole night as soon as she found out the blue team was coming back. She didn't even  pretend to be happy.

All these shots of dead bears around the lodge are a little creepy.

So Robyn goes home.... Ohhhh noooo!!!  J/k she annoys me.

January 28th E and I exchange Bachelor emails

First mine, then hers (though hers was written first but it is my blog so why not)

I know every week I mock the gratuitous shots of Sean with his shirt off, but in fairness to him, if I had his body I might never wear a shirt again. I am always amused by the girls initially clapping the news of X-girls date invite then having them express their disappointment in confessionals. 

I really really really think I have met this Selma girl. Last week I wondered out loud if the girls really thought the fabulous dates they go on would continue once the show was done…and this week it was answered. Selma kept exclaiming how much she wants to keep doing such fabulous things for ever. Have you ever noticed Sean often looks into the wrong direction when doing his confessionals? I really hope he is looking at a producer or a cue card and not that he has no idea how to use a camera. 

I can respect and applaud Selma’s love (and healthy fear) of her parents and their traditional values and thus her not kissing on TV. I would be lying if I did not say I was shocked that she held out, but I was impressed.

Watching the girls rollerblading is awesome, until we see that one of the girls cannot balance because…she has one arm. I hate the Bachelor for doing this to me, I do not want my heart strings tugged on, I want to mock these girls viciously not to pause because of a disability, so you know what? Back to mocking, after all we are supposed to treat everyone equally. Normally when watching sports I hate seeing anyone injured, even the mildest twinge of an ankle makes me feel bad. But, when Amanda wipes out, I had to chuckle because this girl had just faked for a long time that she was well versed in the game and then immediately ate it. Suckily Amanda’s injury cancels the chance of us seeing these girls compete. 

Tierra is back 100% with the crazy eyes. Here is a thought, if you want to walk off the show, then just do so. Why wait around to interrupt another girls date? And if you do not want to just stalk off the show but would rather politely let the bachelor know before you leave, why not wait till your moment to talk to him? I hear it shouted in my co-workers voice “DARAHMAAAAA” (yup that is how he spells it when he yells it). Well played Tierra, well played. Hahah he just said he looked into her eyes and saw something special, yes you did it is called ‘crazy’. 

Freaking out about receiving diamonds on a show that is designed with dating experiences in mind just seems foolish. All these Pretty Woman references and the girl loving the comparison of her to Julia Robert’s character in the movie; does she not understand the character was a WHORE? Man this guy lacks charisma, in the jewelry store, I am pretty sure Neil Lane was hoping he would make it more like the blatant ad it is for his store. 

Well this is awkward, they had a musician lined up for the post rose intimate dance and then poof…he lets the girl go; thus causing Sean to have to say the name of the featured act in a blatantly forced way and then show shots of him listening to the music alone. 

Tierra gives the world’s best apology: “That was kind of your bad” I have got to use that move the next time I am apologizing to someone immediately tell them it was their fault. Oh and can you say “I am too much of a woman…to let them get to me” when earlier in the epi you were crying because other girls had his attention?

Wha wha what? Tierra is only 24?????????? No way 

Rose Ceremony: blah blah bunch of pretty girls get roses. The girl who cracked her chin on the floor gets sent home, another ‘model’ gone. 

Post credits video…Sean does not know how to drive stick!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Now E's email

Okay, so I guess it is my turn to have some musings.  Please ignore all the typos and grammar mistakes, thanks. :)

So, we start off with another shirtless Shawn, and in his underwear.  Nice.

The girls are already crying within 5 minutes.  Seriously?  Oh my, this is going to be a long night.

Date 1: Selma
She says "all 110 lbs"… don't girls usually never, ever say their weight?  Anyway, she sort of reminds me of the actress Shiri Abbleby.  She was on Roswell.
She said he took the Iraqi to the desert.  Thats awesome, but she is not impressed.  She's such a princess.  This is really an amusing date so far.  At the top, queue to sweeping, soaring music.  Love conquers all.  VOM!  Now it's time for the after physical activity dinner date. Trailer park trash, hilarious.  I think it is hilarious that she's talking about not being able to kiss him because of her culture, but she has her tatas hanging out all over the place, especially on the climb up the rock.  Look at my whole body!  But I can't kiss you!  I'm a fucking cock tease.  Shawn's reaction, his noisy exhale, was hilarious.

Shawn is funny.  He reminds me of what it was like when I was looking at colleges.  I fell in love with each one that I went to, and forgot about the others, instantly.  He is like, "I'm so into you!!" to each girl he goes on a one on one date with. 

Group Date:
Roller Derby, this should be interesting.  The crazy girl is going to take someone out for sure!  I will clarify, the throw-myself-down-the-stairs crazy girl.
Seriously, did these girls never roller skate when they were little?  None of them can stay on their feet!  And it sucks watching the one armed girl.  I feel really bad for her.  She needs to go home so I stop feeling bad about her having one arm.  And the girl who lied about having experience and then ate shit is also a little crazy!  She was the one who was moping and all axe murderer during the rose ceremony the other week before shawn talked to her.  But, anyway, good call canceling the match. LOL

Dinner date (again, after physical activity, natch)
Man, Tierra is really giving the girls stank eye, right from the start.  I want her to stay around because she is so awesomely crazy.  I always wonder how the crazy chicks will ever get a date after the show airs.  Oh my god.  That injured girl's tonsils joke.. ick.  OH no.  Tierra said fustrating.  FUSTRATING!  Now I'm torn.  Crazy is fun TV, but talking like that annoys me.  It's a pet peeve.  Fustrating, supposably… really people.
So, this Tierra breakdown cracks me up.  How are you going to be upset about mot having a lot of time with him, all these other girls dating him, etc.  It's the Bachelor.  What did you think was going to happen?  She's not going to get any sympathy.  But I also think that it is very possible that she is just playing a good game.  Oh she plays dirty! She got the rose.  Shawn is an idiot.

Date 3: Leslie
I think that this girl is really attractive, even though she has an enormous mouth.  I would be very happy to have a shopping spree date.  That way when I eventually do not win the man, I get to go home with dope swag.  That pink dress is so ugly.  I would never even pick it up off the rack.  She's really cute though.  I don't really think they have a connection though.  Although maybe in a few minutes he's going to say he absolutely is falling for her.  Like he says after every date. 
Boring relationship talk during dinner.  Snore.  Ha!  He totally said the connection wasn't there.  I am on fire.  But that is sad for her. But, like I said… swag. 
Shawn said Ben Taylor was going to sing for them… WHO?  That must suck even more for this band that I don't know of.  LOL they are playing for no one.  So sad for them.

Oh no, I am live now.

Cocktail Party:
He just told them that if they have questions about the decisions that they make… queue the line of girls to ask why he gave the rose to Tierra.  LOL

Robyn's pick up line… I was embarrassed!  She's a weird one for sure.

Most fake apology ever on air.  And anyone who says "I came here to win this" is really not there to fall in love.  :)  Although I don't know how many people think they will actually fall in love, but judging by the exit interviews, everyone leaves broken hearted, even when they only had one conversation with him.

Rose Ceremony:
That Amanda girl looks like she should be a witch in a movie. Yikes.
That last girl he picked, Daniella, looks like she is dirty nasty sexy.  Sorry, but she does.  I like her.

Not surprising that crazy girl number two was let go.

Okay, those are my play by play ramblings. :)

Next week is TWO nights of the Bachelor!

Bachelor recap and random musings

Again written while I watch the show so good luck with my grammar punctuation spelling etc.

Got my bowl of chicken soup ready, so its time for the show that should make me sick. Of course we again open with Sean working out with his shirt off. Look I get it producers the guy has a great body, we all know this, it is clearly the type of body that comes from someone who works out…a lot. But we don’t need to see the process weekly, and it is especially annoying on a day when I did not hit the gym. 

They are touring the Guinness Museum and all I keep thinking is ‘when I was a kid so many of these records were cool’ now every idiot seems to make up a record just to have a record’ that thought was instantly validated by Sean boasting that his dad had the record for driving through the lower 48 in the shortest time…DUMB RECORD.

The next dumb thing I heard was Sean saying that because the record for longest on screen kiss had stood for 10 years it was a difficult thing…no it is not Sean. What it is, is a record that does not matter and thus most people do not care to put it ‘on screen’ after all your time up there is not even close to the time for the longest kiss ever. Something I learned this weekend: it actually costs people money to get their records verified. Now I know if I had thought about it, I would have figured this out but why would I ever have thought about it? Anyway I found out this weekend because a guy was on the radio talking about his attempts to set the record for most pull ups done in 24 hours. For the record his record is 4025 according to him, I have not bothered to verify it but good grief that is insane. I am not sure I have done that many in my entire life, and I can actually do pull ups. I thought about hitting my pull up bar just to see how many I could rip off right now, but at my current weight I hate risking my door frame, so will just have to wait till the gym tomorrow and Beast it then. 

Sorry back to the show, these girls are horrible at beach volleyball and this is from a man who is just average at the sport, I think myself plus 2 of my average at V-ball friends could beat that whole group. I am breaking out into a rash on my shoulder, maybe this show really is making me sick. This is bad of me, but I love that for some reason all the girls from the losing team return home still just wearing their bikinis…apparently no shirts were allowed and they were not even working out.

I see the Bachelor has bought into the whole ‘Stop Snitching’ campaign. The girl from a prior Bachelor season tried to snitch on her competitors and got the stone wall from Sean, this cracked me up because it prompted my friend E to text me immediately (she has a bad problem with spoilers – bad girl). I know I already mentioned in a prior blog that there is a girl on the show with just one arm, yet every time I see her for the first time in an episode I am instantly startled by it. This poor girl has probably been stared at her whole life. Why was I startled by seeing her again? Because the camera panned to her after that other girl threw herself down the stairs for attention. What’s this you say? She just fell? But then did not want to get checked out at the hospital by medical professionals? In a venue she would not have to pay for? Nope not suspicious at all, and certainly not suspicious that the sight of Sean proved amazingly restorative (okay I should add, I wondered if she was pushed, also wondered if the added some extra sounds in post to make that fall sound worse than it was, it sounded like Eddie Murphy’s aunt falling down the stairs.) 

I agree with E, so many of the times a band shows up on the Bachelor or the Bachelorette my reaction is often “WHO?”  This may be very snarky of me, but I suspect that every time a Bachelor says “Performance from my fave band” or anything similar I think they only became your favorite band after the producers said, “Hey this is who we can afford/who agreed to perform”. 

A dog gets to ride in a limo? Does this show just spend 90% of its budgets on limos? Or after so many seasons and episodes do they just own their own fleet of limos? It could be a plan, just use them in season and then out of season just rent them out as ‘The Bachelor Limos’. 

Straight from E and I liked it so much I am using it here “Kacie B’s dress at the rose ceremony is straight from Tron”. I liked the aggressiveness of the girls tonight; the stealing and stealing back of alone time with Sean amused me. Looked like a slutty game of musical chairs. 

Where Flavor of Love beats the Bachelor handily was in its clock ceremony vs rose ceremony, not in the actual items presented but in the level of crazy I could always expect from a FOL clock ceremony. There was always the risk of a fist fight or a girl stepping forward too soon to accept a clock that was not going to be presented to her. The Bachelor rose ceremonies are decent but they lack the tension that can only come with the potential of massive head trauma.

When they are all lined up in rows and eagerly staring at Sean, you really really get to see how many of these girls have ‘Crazy Eyes’ (it’s a thing, look it up). 

Whoa he got rid of the model – in things I did not see coming that is way up there, but still behind the missing arm. 

Well I gotta go take my shirt off, it is time to hit the gym.

Bachelor week 2, the lazy review

The first date has Sean go out with the girl with one arm and the cynic in me just makes me think it was set up to tug at our heart strings. They do a physical activity that one would not normally think could be accomplished by someone missing a limb, but of course love will overcome all challenges. Her story about being barred from ziplining, ugh just so sad and yet...set up for the camera?

The group dates always amuse me: the cattiness of the girls, the shock at how amazing the date is? Have you not seen the show? They always make the dates amazing ladies...the sensible ones will know that these are made for TV dates and this is NOT NOT NOT something that you would normally do, unless you normally go on dates with 5 other girls, and if so, give me a shout. I cannot help laughing at Kacie (I think I have that right), who now counts as the wise sage because she was on one of these shows before. Her ability to game Sean into giving her an early rose was masterful, and her nudging that girl with Lion hair to leave the show early was Jedi mind-trick like.

When they were planning to prank that girl I was pretty worried that Sean would not be able to pull it off, because so far to me, he has the personality of a wet dish rag; then they pull him out of the room and it makes sense, it removes the chance of him spoiling it which makes me think they did not trust him.

My thoughts on his wet rag personality are further confirmed by his behind the scene reactions to the hidden camera stress the pranked girl is facing.

This stupid show has such a hold over me, its 3am and I am actually watching it, even though since I have it recorded I could in theory watch it at any time. Instead I spend my insomniac moments watching this drivel. Then again, I also watched wrestling earlier in the night, so maybe I shouldn't pretend that my tv choices are the greatest.

All these girls have cutesy stories and I do not believe a single one, they all sound too rehearsed. It is 37 degrees this is not SoCal weather, my friend whose house I stopped by an hour ago thought I was insane because I walked in wearing flip flops and shorts (and no it was not a booty call).

When you wear a wedding dress to the first meeting and worry that it made you look like a crazy person, you probably should not lead with that on the 2nd meeting.

The Amanda girl that everyone proclaimed crazy, I sometimes wonder if those girls are as crazy as the girls intimate or if the editors just cut the tape so well to make her seem like she should be in a Hitchcock movie.

I guess I learned a little Farsi....by the end of typing this I will have unlearned any Farsi I just learned.

I am so glad he kept the 'crazy' chick. I know I know there was more to the rose ceremony etc, but after watching more than an hour of this even with the DVR aid, I am burned out!

It has been a while, so let's do a TV recap - The Bachelor

I know, I know this is a cop out but my friend got me into watching the Bachelor so that we could mock it together so this morning I sent her an email with my recap thoughts and I have decided to share it here. Remember this is from an email, don't judge its grammar syntax etc

Elizabeth YOU SUCK for getting me into this show....

I had a friend watch it with me, because she said she had never watched it before and I told her we could mock it ceaselessly, she did not believe me...until we started watching!

What was up with the kissing lessons thing? I have never in my life asked another man how he kisses girls, and certainly would not ask for lessons. And in fact when in the past we have mocked someone for kissing someone in public, we then did not require them to show us how they did it...or to tell us to put their whole body into it - he knows they were talking about a kiss right? Not a pre-game molestation.

My favorite thing from last night and the thing that caused me to pause my DVR and analyse this show like the Zapruder film was Robyn (and you know how bad I am with names, so the fact that I remember her name shows how much it affected me). I could not believe she tried not one but TWO backflips and I sat up straight laughing when half way through the second she yelps "OH noooooo", I did not even let her get to Sean, I immediately hit the 15 second rewind on the DVR, then I hit it again, then again, then again. My friend says I instantly rewatched it 5 times (I believe her). I then went all the way to when she first exits the limo and started doing play by play like this "See her face just before she turns around, that is the look of determination, on this first flip she is exactly like Alabama, on this second flip she is Notre Dame" (I fear that did not butch up the Bachelor, but at least you know I watched the BCS game). Even after I watched the whole bloody episode, I rewound the whole thing just to get back to her and her "oh nooooo" it made my night.

I cannot believe he immediately gave a rose to the girl that showed up with that super cheesy open heart tattoo. Then he kept the girl who came in IN A WEDDING DRESS. To me none of the black girls are amazing looking, though there were quite a few plain white girls this year too...wonder if they are trying to go with a more-realistic look?

It is probably bad of me that I enjoyed the song sung to him by the crazy girl from Tennessee, I would actually have kept her over a few of the other girls.

Fifty shades of crazy is a stripper right? She has to be a stripper right? Come on say she is a stripper right? That dancing was stripperesque right? Seriously...that girl!

When he gave that first girl the rose, my first thought when she started to walk into the main room was; "Oh no, this girl might actually get shanked". The looks on the girls faces when she walked in made up for the fact that I was actually sitting there watching the Bachelor. (I hate you for getting me into this show btw, I seriously do).

I actually felt it was unfair to him (and yes I know the whole show is pretty much a gimmick) to place the girl with one arm on the show. Yes I know everyone is beautiful (and this girl is gorgeous) but placing her on leaves him in an awkward position...he cannot cut her on the first night right? And then what happens after one of their fake physical challenges, does he have to keep her because she was plucky, when is the safe time to cut her etc? I will deny I ever sent this if she wins it all. But I feel pretty safe right now that she will not win it all.

I thought the Yoga instructor was cute...until I saw her walking barefooted - deal breaker.

Is this going to be the new thing on all these shows; someone from previous shows will be on it? I know I am new to this and you are my Yoda, so is this a thing?

And maybe I should not chuckle but when these girls who have just met the guy and are booted the first night cry as if they have lost their first love I cannot help but think "That is a whole bag of crazy!"

Anti gay marriage? Don't count this Christian as one of 'those' people

I am firm in my belief that religious institutions can dictate who they will or will not marry, if they have no public funds, government driven assistance for the marriage ceremonies etc. But as a social need/good institution I believe marriage is for all. Especially in a country that preaches (see what I did there?) separation of church and state. I really like this CNN article on Gays and the Bible's treatment of them http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/05/15/my-take-what-the-bible-really-says-about-homosexuality/?hpt=hp_c1



 - The 'those' people is one of my million references to 'Tropic Thunder'

Making Pasta this week and explaining my lack of fancy...

I have previously expounded on my lack of cheese sophistication in other posts but since it has been months since I posted anything, allow me an indulgence...

Once upon a time I was a little boy in the greatest country ever created; Jamaica from the Arawak word Xaymaca meaning Land of Wood and Water, we were an agrarian and Tourist based economy so fancy cheeses were unknown. So unknown that for many a year I thought that only 3 (2.5 if you look closely) cheeses existed – they were Cheddar (White or Yellow) and Pizza Cheese (which I learned was mozzarella if of quality but really is more often this guy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pizza_cheese [btw that is disgusting and makes me want to reconsider pizza]) and that was it.


Then I came to the Home of the Brave and the Land of the Free (economy) and realized that there are a tonne of cheeses available I mean seriously you guys have CHEESE shops, shops dedicated to just cheese! You go out to restaurants and order 'cheese boards'. Really CHEESE BOARDS? That is considered a meal, I am still amazed. You quite literally can run the gamut from A to Z in Cheeses, American, Asiago and Anari to Ziger, Zumelle and Zuvi. Well this Thursday I am making pasta and I am making it the way all good Jamaicans make it WITH CHEDDAR as the main cheese. A slight concession to my years in America is that I will make a 4-cheese pasta sauce to add to it (I have become Americanized and soft) but the main cheese will be a good hearty Cheddar grated by hand with the wrong grater setting like a real yard man (Jamaican living outside of the homeland).

Happy MLK Jr. day 2012!

Oh Dr. King your sacrifice got us greater racial equality (we are close but not all the way there yet) and a holiday! I sadly suspect more peeps are grateful for the holiday now than the equality.

I wish you were still around to see (and since you are famous probably meet) Tim Tebow. He is this amazing phenomenon (for an average football player) that dominates sports headlines and pop culture.

He is a slower Michael Vick, a less accurate Vince Young, a weaker Warren Moon, a less dynamic Randall Cunningham, he isn't even as gifted as Rodney Peete seriously don't laugh Rodney Peete was "drafted by the Toronto Blue Jays out of high school, and the Oakland Athletics and Detroit Tigers while in college" per wikipedia (grain of salt added for taste).

Tim Tebow just lacks something all of the above players had...

But because it is your day Dr. King I will go with some 'equality' and point out that Tebow is no more religious than Kurt Warner, or Steve Young or Ray Lewis (if you want to go non-Qb).

He has captured imaginations while giving fodder to both sides of any argument that involves discussing his skills. He will look absolutely incompetent for 58.5 minutes of a game that only last 60 minutes and then for just that last minute and a half engineer a drive that will win the game! Seriously Dr. King he will only be good for 2.5% of the time he is doing his 'job' and yet get praised like he was the best player ever. I cannot imagine a doctor botching a surgery so badly that at the end of it all he manages to do is save my life while costing me a limb or 2 then he gets praised for his life saving abilities!

He replaced a guy called Kyle Orton who is a much more accurate passer than Tebow ever was or probably ever will be yet somehow could not ever win with the same team that Tebow now wins with.

Many are beginning to believe in the unbelievable because they cannot explain the 'lucky' coincidences in his wins. They refuse to consider things like small sample size (where if one looks at the fact that Tebow has only played a few games is woefully inaccurate and has a bad QB rating, over time he would be more likely to lose more than he would win), or the joy of scheduling that placed the Broncos up against incompetent teams and teams that did not make the playoffs during Tebow's win streak. They ignore things like; when Tebow went up against Orton (yest the QB he replaced) in a virtual must win game for the Broncos he lost! Of course divine intervention stepped in and the Raiders who could have kept Tebow out of the playoffs lost too...

Divine intervention, yes sir you heard me correctly people now think that God is interested enough in American Football games to intervene in John Elway's teams games. Oh did I not mention that? Yup the same team that John Elway captained to 2 super bowls and also is now the Exec VP of has a fan base that believes so firmly in Tebow that they are comparing him to Elway and...Elway is not always coming out favourably. But do not just take my theories for fact, check out this poll and this article in USA Today.

The breakdown amuses me
Among ethnic groups, the Hispanic/Latino demographic was the biggest believer, with 81.3% saying yes. Among African-Americans, 59.5% said yes, and for whites it was 38.3%.
Politcally speaking, 54.2% of Republicans said yes, as did 38.2% of Democrats and 35.1% of independent voters.
...wonder why that is.

The thing about it is...almost every athlete after a good performance praises God so I cannot imagine he has chosen to favour Tim and his left hand. (Vick is a lefty too and the religious Steve Young just saying). And let me give a little plug to Ken Stabler a great lefty that too few show love to.

Yes Dr. King on this day when I think of you, I just wonder what you would think of the hype surrounding this (insert colour here) Quarterback.

What is weird though Dr. King, is that while I am not a fan of Tebow and I hate the hype around him, I am starting to feel sorry for him because  no player, no QB white, black, hispanic or any colour could live up to the burden that fanatic fans and media personalities are placing on him. And certainly no one with mediocre skills.

Oh one more thing Dr. King (no one ever calls you Martin do they?) in a rare display an athlete named Stevie Johnson actually blamed God for a loss so of course it made news. He did it on Twitter which is a micro blogging site that will for years to come cause severe cases of foot in mouth disease. If you could still do it I would tell you to follow my friend @swalloween. Anyway here is Stevie's tweet after he dropped a pass in an OT game. "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."

Enjoy the rest of the day, in a display of unity I am about to go meet my white friend, pick up my Persian friend and then go to the Asian grocery store so we can cook some Italian food later.

Best,

Cali J.

I envy my friends 'S' and 'Y' so much right now.

They are both passed out on the couch together (even though I offered an air mattress) meanwhile I am in my expensive-luxury pillow top bed and I cannot fall asleep. We were all out dancing and they practically fell asleep as soon as they sat down…wish that could be me. I have slept 5 hours out of the last 72 so really I should be bloody exhausted. But of course I am not. Broke up a chick fight tonight, that was fun, the even funnier part was my kicking the girl that started it out of the club as if I were a bouncer, and her following it!

Real Time Food Experiment: World series burgers...and chasing a dog down the street

So I have been craving burgers and there are no burgers as good as home-made burgers so while the game is on I will live blog my experiment. For these burgers I am going to use ground beef AND ground pork

I am carmelizing onions - one medium white onion chopped into rings, cooked in 1tbs oil 1tsp bacon grease on medium, sprinkled over a tsp of sugar turned it down low and let it carmelize over 30 minutes. Shook the onions out put a tsp oil in pan.

To same pan that had onions and now oil I added 2 cloves finely chopped garlic and a chopped stalk of scallion (medium heat) to this I added a 1/3lb ground pork and browned very slightly with an added tsp of dehydrated onion. In a 1/2 cup measure I added 2 tbs balsamic vinegar, 1tbs soy sauce then filled to the top with water, added that to the pan and cooked for 5 minutes. Set aside to cool completely!

About 4 innings into the game: Rangers still up 1-0 (I really hate the Cardinals hope Texas wins this) I add the cooled ground pork mix to a bowl of 3/4lbs ground beef, a 1/4tsp of garlic powder, 1/2 tsp of chili powder, 1/4tsp black pepper, 1tsp Worcestershire sauce (I suspect I spelled that wrong) and a pinch of salt (seriously peeps just a pinch soy sauce already has salt). Formed 4 patties (they are moist, which makes sense since high water content in pork mix) now debating broiling or pan frying...Bottom of 4th inning and Joe Buck just called Zoey Deschanel a subtle actress (not sure what he means because I am yet to see a subtle performance from her). 

While I wait for my decision, I am making the 'special' sauce aka mayo, spicy brown mustard, ketchup, ranch in a 1;1;2;1 ration. This will be spread on both buns then topped with the carmelized onions with the burger in the middle...man I hope this tastes good, especially since I just wrote a blog about it without tasting it.

I was tempted to make my own hamburger buns and if my company shows up maybe I will, it just sounds impressive I suspect it is easy.

And then this happened. It was the 5th inning and I figured I would go for a quick 1 mile run knowing that I would be back in time to see the next inning and I wanted to help my roomie out by taking the dog out for a quick run since he had been trapped indoors all day. Well that turned into a fiasco; 2 blocks from home the dog slipped his harness and TOOK OFF. My Run Keeper app told me that the dog and I spent 1 hour 20 minutes and 5 miles chasing each other up and down the streets of downtown. I say chasing each other, since to keep the dog from running into traffic I often had to make him think it was a game and chase me...the dog is NOT street wise! At one point he sat in the middle of the road while the light was red and cars were massing, then when the light changed to green he remained there as I ran up the block to get to him. Then since I did not want to spook him into potential cross traffic I had to slowly approach while yelling at the cars that were blowing there horns at him and me!

Good times!

But the bonus is, baseball is so slow that when I got back it was just the EIGHT inning...you have to love it. And the rangers won.

By the time I was back I was too hungry and tired to wait for the oven to pre-heat so I just pan fried the burgers and...THEY WERE DELICIOUS, TOP FIVE EVER. But of course I have to wonder if part of that was due to my extreme hunger by that point.

I guess my friends can tick me off to point that I almost get a ticket

Last night I almost got a ticket for driving the wrong way on a One-way street. I talked my way out of the ticket. Robin claims that I was only able to do that because the cop was a lady, Yau added the colour of her skin. I claim it was my charm (maybe a bit to do with the voice).

So here is the thing. I turned the wrong way for a variety of reasons; the sign detailing that it was a one way street had been damaged and turned at a bad angle, if I had been as diligent as I normally am I would have spotted it but I was not at my best so I missed it.
I was distracted because one friend had yelled at me for not following her directions, then yelled again when I chose not to park where she wanted me to park.
Then on top of that I had to listen to the 2 kids in the back that had already annoyed me with their inability to keep it down when I was on the phone then when Robin was on the phone break into childhood songs loudly and OFFKEY. Trust me there is nothing worse than 2 people singing badly and at the top of their lungs when you are already peeved.

So I hit my breaking and braking point in that I was so frustrated that I slammed on the brakes flipped on the indicator and turned where I should not have turned! Right into the path of a cop. I am still surprised I talked my way out of the ticket and I am glad I asked her if she was giving me a ticket when she said "ok sit tight I am going to my car" if I had just assumed that she was just going to check my id she would have come back with a ticket and by that point it would have been too late.

Even though you know you have no warrants out...waiting for those agonizing few minutes while a cop runs your id to make sure is agonizing. What adds to the anxiety is hearing your friend loudly tell the bouncer at the door across from you car "I am here with the criminal" (which by the way is a bloody funny line...but scary while the cop is checking to see if you need to be locked up).

So yeah, I blew my lid and still somehow survived...luckily. What is funny is that I can see how movies influence our thought processes: At one point in the drive I imagined driving off a cliff jumping out at the last minute and still hoping I would have the dexterity and speed to turn around and hit the door lock button to trap my passengers so that they would hit the water...I did not want them dead, just a bit panicked and soaked.

Thank goodness frustration does not lead me to drinking because that would have been one sloppy Taco Tuesday!

This song fits:

My bicycle is faster than your bike!

As I often say you have to make the little things make you smile.
So riding back from the gym I was very, very sore; not the regular sore like "yeah I feel good I am sore cause I worked out like a monster". Nope I was sore like injured sore. A little background: On Monday while watching TV and staring at my roomies ab-roller it occurred to me that since I was just sitting there and it was just sitting there I might as well just use it. So throughout the movie I did 1000 situps and 50 bicycle kicks. No exaggeration at all in that number that is what I did. My original target was 100 situps and 50 bicycle kicks but the ab-roller made it so damn easy I just kept going and once I hit the 600 mark I decided I had to get to a 1000.

Well once I hit the 1k mark I pretty much lay there bit sore bit tired not too bad. Then I went to the gym yesterday (Wednesday) just 2 days later. Did a great back work out, figured hey "remember on monday when you said you would do 25 situps a night, well you skipped yesterday so use the ab roller here and do a 100". Well I think my brain was trying to protect me on Tuesday by making me skip that night! Once I got on the ab roller I felt sore. But of course I am a guy so hey "sore is good right?" I did a set of 20, felt harder than I expected. Put the legs up higher did a set of 30, sore, not too bad...did a set of 25 and started gasping...take a longer rest, no need to sit up straight. Did the 'final' set of 25 and got to 19 and then nearly started crying in the gym. My abs locked up and felt like someone had stabbed me in the lower abdominal. I grabbed the railing forced myself to a sitting position trying to 'look cool' cause really I could not have anyone at the gym thinking I had just hurt myself on an AB-MACHINE (I mean to be fair if I saw someone suddenly look like they were in pain I would chuckle too).

So I sat on the machine taking deep breaths trying to calm my body cause I really really wanted to cry out in pain and to look like I wasn't just sitting there (and really I was because I could NOT get up) I just kept bobbing my head as if listening to music while really on my ipod was the Tony Kornheiser show which is TALK radio. But damn it if I was not going to pose like I was a G! I started to have horror thoughts of having to take my phone and call down to the front desk and beg them to have a trainer come and lift me off the damn machine. Thankfully after a minute the abs calmed down enough for me to get up slowly and walk down to the locker room. And then the thought of horror hit me...I still had to ride home and if you are a rider you know YOUR ABS ARE ENGAGED WHILE RIDING.

So I unlock the bike (while wearing my new sparkly shorts) and I want to say hop on but really I leaned the bike so low to the ground that the seat was by my knees, then rolled on to it by using the curb to boost myself on. Then I start riding home! If anyone had tracked me they would have cracked up. I kept alternatively saying "Ow, Ow, Ow" and "Damn it I should just push this" sometimes hit with "Bloody THREE MILES!" So anytime I came to a stoplight if no car was in my lane I would just keep doing small turns in the lane rather than trying to lean over and put a foot down cause I was that sore. If a car was there I would actually ride up to the sign and lean on it with my shoulder just so I would not have to put my foot down.

While at one of the lights this guy with a motorcycle pulls up into my lane and revs his bike! So I look at him and he revs it again. So I did the only sensible think I clicked both brake handles 'click click' since that is pretty much the only sound you can make on a bicycle looked straight at him and yelled "You wanna race?". He looked at me like I was crazy revs again and I yelled "Guess that is a yes!" He revs, the light goes green and he PEELS OUT! I slowly push down on the pedals and start laughing...then immediately regret it because: Yup you guessed it LAUGHING USES YOUR ABS

"Why yes that sliver of glass came out of my heel, why do you ask?"

That was the only cheeky response I could give the roomie when he picked up a sliver of glass with blood on it, 3 rooms away from where the glass from a bottle had decided to invade my body through the bottom of my heel.

Background: We had a dinner party, there was a tonne of stuff in the refrigerator because as invariably happens things keep getting shoved in to the cooler. So late in the night I opened the refrigerator only to see a bottle start to spiral to the floor in what felt like slow motion. I grabbed for it but had the closing refrigerator door hit my hand so the bottle fell to the floor and as bottles filled with liquid tend to do, it shattered everywhere; with me stuck in the middle of the kitchen BARE FOOT. I tried to pick up everything immediately visible around me before even taking a step.

Grabbed a towel and mopped up all the liquid pushing it away from me hoping that while I was drying I was moving any shards away. Felt like I had gotten it all. Took a gingerly steps to the sink to drop the towel in there and hope that I was safe. Still no pain. But one knows you can never be too sure so now that the floor was dry of all the liquid I started to walk to the closet door to get the broom and wouldn't you know it there were bloody footprints! Yup not only had I gotten cut I had gotten cut badly enough that I was bleeding profusely enough to leave bloody prints.

So I had to limp to the bathroom to get cleaned up, then decided to go upstairs to get bandages. Apparently after my initial clean up I was still shedding glass shards (hence the roomie finding a piece). So while the party was going on I was further inspecting my heel and then bandaging it...then back to the party because after all we all have to rally.

Problem is, the next morning I woke up to a stinging heel. Went to the doctor's office and was told that the wait would be 2 hours so I went home and decided to play operation. Just like my old days when my parents would allow me to take care of the sick puppies (and I knew I was good because I am pretty sure my parents cared more about the dogs than me). So I grabbed forceps, a syringe, a scalpel (alright I might as well confess - I took a few debriding kits from the hospital from my days when I worked there) and went to work on my heel. Turns out that I had a very thin but very long piece of glass buried deep in my heel, which meant I had to slightly cut the heel and go in to get it.

What sucks about getting cut in the heel is that pretty much every footstep leads to bleeding. So I have been changing bandages every few hours, but at least the wound is clean, there is no sign of infection and I did not have to sit in a doctors office for 2 hours to have them over charge me to do the same thing I was able to do for myself. I guess the only major difference is that I cannot write myself a prescription for any 'great' drugs but I would not have taken them anyways so I saved myself some time and money and got the realize that I still got it!

And what of my working out you might ask yourself...yes I am still working out with the cut heel, just no running (aka elliptical because hahaha come on really) just riding the bike to the gym and weight lifting!

"I think that cop is following us...nope he is going past: us"

On the way home about a dozen cop cars screamed past us chasing a guy that I do not think was going to make it to the finish line because the cops were either going to shut down the highway or surround the car they were closing in so rapidly.

I have not blogged in awhile, long time readers will realize that I do not blog well when angry. So since I have been really angry for the past week I have not blogged much.

I am still iffy about going out in Downtown LA. Many of the so called cool spots are cool because of their locale (top floors on high rises) or because of their trappings/settings (like the Edison). Many of the spots with great music are absolutely thuggish and while by myself I am not worried about  going into such places, going with my female friends seems a bit risky.

Is there any more simple yet impressive task that feels so satisfying as swatting an annoying fly mid-flight?

You need rest for your muscles to grow...vol 2.434353

So I hear that title all the time, from body builders to casual guys at the gym to my own doctor. Well here is what I have done since benching on Friday evening: slept 4 hours Friday night, worked out Saturday morning, went to the V-ball tourney, slept 3 hours, did cardio, went to the Reggae Show (Marleys) now I am going to be up in 4 hours to head to court...let's hope that is enough time for the muscle growth...

At least tonight is just legs at the gym