January 28th E and I exchange Bachelor emails

First mine, then hers (though hers was written first but it is my blog so why not)

I know every week I mock the gratuitous shots of Sean with his shirt off, but in fairness to him, if I had his body I might never wear a shirt again. I am always amused by the girls initially clapping the news of X-girls date invite then having them express their disappointment in confessionals. 

I really really really think I have met this Selma girl. Last week I wondered out loud if the girls really thought the fabulous dates they go on would continue once the show was done…and this week it was answered. Selma kept exclaiming how much she wants to keep doing such fabulous things for ever. Have you ever noticed Sean often looks into the wrong direction when doing his confessionals? I really hope he is looking at a producer or a cue card and not that he has no idea how to use a camera. 

I can respect and applaud Selma’s love (and healthy fear) of her parents and their traditional values and thus her not kissing on TV. I would be lying if I did not say I was shocked that she held out, but I was impressed.

Watching the girls rollerblading is awesome, until we see that one of the girls cannot balance because…she has one arm. I hate the Bachelor for doing this to me, I do not want my heart strings tugged on, I want to mock these girls viciously not to pause because of a disability, so you know what? Back to mocking, after all we are supposed to treat everyone equally. Normally when watching sports I hate seeing anyone injured, even the mildest twinge of an ankle makes me feel bad. But, when Amanda wipes out, I had to chuckle because this girl had just faked for a long time that she was well versed in the game and then immediately ate it. Suckily Amanda’s injury cancels the chance of us seeing these girls compete. 

Tierra is back 100% with the crazy eyes. Here is a thought, if you want to walk off the show, then just do so. Why wait around to interrupt another girls date? And if you do not want to just stalk off the show but would rather politely let the bachelor know before you leave, why not wait till your moment to talk to him? I hear it shouted in my co-workers voice “DARAHMAAAAA” (yup that is how he spells it when he yells it). Well played Tierra, well played. Hahah he just said he looked into her eyes and saw something special, yes you did it is called ‘crazy’. 

Freaking out about receiving diamonds on a show that is designed with dating experiences in mind just seems foolish. All these Pretty Woman references and the girl loving the comparison of her to Julia Robert’s character in the movie; does she not understand the character was a WHORE? Man this guy lacks charisma, in the jewelry store, I am pretty sure Neil Lane was hoping he would make it more like the blatant ad it is for his store. 

Well this is awkward, they had a musician lined up for the post rose intimate dance and then poof…he lets the girl go; thus causing Sean to have to say the name of the featured act in a blatantly forced way and then show shots of him listening to the music alone. 

Tierra gives the world’s best apology: “That was kind of your bad” I have got to use that move the next time I am apologizing to someone immediately tell them it was their fault. Oh and can you say “I am too much of a woman…to let them get to me” when earlier in the epi you were crying because other girls had his attention?

Wha wha what? Tierra is only 24?????????? No way 

Rose Ceremony: blah blah bunch of pretty girls get roses. The girl who cracked her chin on the floor gets sent home, another ‘model’ gone. 

Post credits video…Sean does not know how to drive stick!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Now E's email

Okay, so I guess it is my turn to have some musings.  Please ignore all the typos and grammar mistakes, thanks. :)

So, we start off with another shirtless Shawn, and in his underwear.  Nice.

The girls are already crying within 5 minutes.  Seriously?  Oh my, this is going to be a long night.

Date 1: Selma
She says "all 110 lbs"… don't girls usually never, ever say their weight?  Anyway, she sort of reminds me of the actress Shiri Abbleby.  She was on Roswell.
She said he took the Iraqi to the desert.  Thats awesome, but she is not impressed.  She's such a princess.  This is really an amusing date so far.  At the top, queue to sweeping, soaring music.  Love conquers all.  VOM!  Now it's time for the after physical activity dinner date. Trailer park trash, hilarious.  I think it is hilarious that she's talking about not being able to kiss him because of her culture, but she has her tatas hanging out all over the place, especially on the climb up the rock.  Look at my whole body!  But I can't kiss you!  I'm a fucking cock tease.  Shawn's reaction, his noisy exhale, was hilarious.

Shawn is funny.  He reminds me of what it was like when I was looking at colleges.  I fell in love with each one that I went to, and forgot about the others, instantly.  He is like, "I'm so into you!!" to each girl he goes on a one on one date with. 

Group Date:
Roller Derby, this should be interesting.  The crazy girl is going to take someone out for sure!  I will clarify, the throw-myself-down-the-stairs crazy girl.
Seriously, did these girls never roller skate when they were little?  None of them can stay on their feet!  And it sucks watching the one armed girl.  I feel really bad for her.  She needs to go home so I stop feeling bad about her having one arm.  And the girl who lied about having experience and then ate shit is also a little crazy!  She was the one who was moping and all axe murderer during the rose ceremony the other week before shawn talked to her.  But, anyway, good call canceling the match. LOL

Dinner date (again, after physical activity, natch)
Man, Tierra is really giving the girls stank eye, right from the start.  I want her to stay around because she is so awesomely crazy.  I always wonder how the crazy chicks will ever get a date after the show airs.  Oh my god.  That injured girl's tonsils joke.. ick.  OH no.  Tierra said fustrating.  FUSTRATING!  Now I'm torn.  Crazy is fun TV, but talking like that annoys me.  It's a pet peeve.  Fustrating, supposably… really people.
So, this Tierra breakdown cracks me up.  How are you going to be upset about mot having a lot of time with him, all these other girls dating him, etc.  It's the Bachelor.  What did you think was going to happen?  She's not going to get any sympathy.  But I also think that it is very possible that she is just playing a good game.  Oh she plays dirty! She got the rose.  Shawn is an idiot.

Date 3: Leslie
I think that this girl is really attractive, even though she has an enormous mouth.  I would be very happy to have a shopping spree date.  That way when I eventually do not win the man, I get to go home with dope swag.  That pink dress is so ugly.  I would never even pick it up off the rack.  She's really cute though.  I don't really think they have a connection though.  Although maybe in a few minutes he's going to say he absolutely is falling for her.  Like he says after every date. 
Boring relationship talk during dinner.  Snore.  Ha!  He totally said the connection wasn't there.  I am on fire.  But that is sad for her. But, like I said… swag. 
Shawn said Ben Taylor was going to sing for them… WHO?  That must suck even more for this band that I don't know of.  LOL they are playing for no one.  So sad for them.

Oh no, I am live now.

Cocktail Party:
He just told them that if they have questions about the decisions that they make… queue the line of girls to ask why he gave the rose to Tierra.  LOL

Robyn's pick up line… I was embarrassed!  She's a weird one for sure.

Most fake apology ever on air.  And anyone who says "I came here to win this" is really not there to fall in love.  :)  Although I don't know how many people think they will actually fall in love, but judging by the exit interviews, everyone leaves broken hearted, even when they only had one conversation with him.

Rose Ceremony:
That Amanda girl looks like she should be a witch in a movie. Yikes.
That last girl he picked, Daniella, looks like she is dirty nasty sexy.  Sorry, but she does.  I like her.

Not surprising that crazy girl number two was let go.

Okay, those are my play by play ramblings. :)

Next week is TWO nights of the Bachelor!

Bachelor recap and random musings

Again written while I watch the show so good luck with my grammar punctuation spelling etc.

Got my bowl of chicken soup ready, so its time for the show that should make me sick. Of course we again open with Sean working out with his shirt off. Look I get it producers the guy has a great body, we all know this, it is clearly the type of body that comes from someone who works out…a lot. But we don’t need to see the process weekly, and it is especially annoying on a day when I did not hit the gym. 

They are touring the Guinness Museum and all I keep thinking is ‘when I was a kid so many of these records were cool’ now every idiot seems to make up a record just to have a record’ that thought was instantly validated by Sean boasting that his dad had the record for driving through the lower 48 in the shortest time…DUMB RECORD.

The next dumb thing I heard was Sean saying that because the record for longest on screen kiss had stood for 10 years it was a difficult thing…no it is not Sean. What it is, is a record that does not matter and thus most people do not care to put it ‘on screen’ after all your time up there is not even close to the time for the longest kiss ever. Something I learned this weekend: it actually costs people money to get their records verified. Now I know if I had thought about it, I would have figured this out but why would I ever have thought about it? Anyway I found out this weekend because a guy was on the radio talking about his attempts to set the record for most pull ups done in 24 hours. For the record his record is 4025 according to him, I have not bothered to verify it but good grief that is insane. I am not sure I have done that many in my entire life, and I can actually do pull ups. I thought about hitting my pull up bar just to see how many I could rip off right now, but at my current weight I hate risking my door frame, so will just have to wait till the gym tomorrow and Beast it then. 

Sorry back to the show, these girls are horrible at beach volleyball and this is from a man who is just average at the sport, I think myself plus 2 of my average at V-ball friends could beat that whole group. I am breaking out into a rash on my shoulder, maybe this show really is making me sick. This is bad of me, but I love that for some reason all the girls from the losing team return home still just wearing their bikinis…apparently no shirts were allowed and they were not even working out.

I see the Bachelor has bought into the whole ‘Stop Snitching’ campaign. The girl from a prior Bachelor season tried to snitch on her competitors and got the stone wall from Sean, this cracked me up because it prompted my friend E to text me immediately (she has a bad problem with spoilers – bad girl). I know I already mentioned in a prior blog that there is a girl on the show with just one arm, yet every time I see her for the first time in an episode I am instantly startled by it. This poor girl has probably been stared at her whole life. Why was I startled by seeing her again? Because the camera panned to her after that other girl threw herself down the stairs for attention. What’s this you say? She just fell? But then did not want to get checked out at the hospital by medical professionals? In a venue she would not have to pay for? Nope not suspicious at all, and certainly not suspicious that the sight of Sean proved amazingly restorative (okay I should add, I wondered if she was pushed, also wondered if the added some extra sounds in post to make that fall sound worse than it was, it sounded like Eddie Murphy’s aunt falling down the stairs.) 

I agree with E, so many of the times a band shows up on the Bachelor or the Bachelorette my reaction is often “WHO?”  This may be very snarky of me, but I suspect that every time a Bachelor says “Performance from my fave band” or anything similar I think they only became your favorite band after the producers said, “Hey this is who we can afford/who agreed to perform”. 

A dog gets to ride in a limo? Does this show just spend 90% of its budgets on limos? Or after so many seasons and episodes do they just own their own fleet of limos? It could be a plan, just use them in season and then out of season just rent them out as ‘The Bachelor Limos’. 

Straight from E and I liked it so much I am using it here “Kacie B’s dress at the rose ceremony is straight from Tron”. I liked the aggressiveness of the girls tonight; the stealing and stealing back of alone time with Sean amused me. Looked like a slutty game of musical chairs. 

Where Flavor of Love beats the Bachelor handily was in its clock ceremony vs rose ceremony, not in the actual items presented but in the level of crazy I could always expect from a FOL clock ceremony. There was always the risk of a fist fight or a girl stepping forward too soon to accept a clock that was not going to be presented to her. The Bachelor rose ceremonies are decent but they lack the tension that can only come with the potential of massive head trauma.

When they are all lined up in rows and eagerly staring at Sean, you really really get to see how many of these girls have ‘Crazy Eyes’ (it’s a thing, look it up). 

Whoa he got rid of the model – in things I did not see coming that is way up there, but still behind the missing arm. 

Well I gotta go take my shirt off, it is time to hit the gym.

Bachelor week 2, the lazy review

The first date has Sean go out with the girl with one arm and the cynic in me just makes me think it was set up to tug at our heart strings. They do a physical activity that one would not normally think could be accomplished by someone missing a limb, but of course love will overcome all challenges. Her story about being barred from ziplining, ugh just so sad and yet...set up for the camera?

The group dates always amuse me: the cattiness of the girls, the shock at how amazing the date is? Have you not seen the show? They always make the dates amazing ladies...the sensible ones will know that these are made for TV dates and this is NOT NOT NOT something that you would normally do, unless you normally go on dates with 5 other girls, and if so, give me a shout. I cannot help laughing at Kacie (I think I have that right), who now counts as the wise sage because she was on one of these shows before. Her ability to game Sean into giving her an early rose was masterful, and her nudging that girl with Lion hair to leave the show early was Jedi mind-trick like.

When they were planning to prank that girl I was pretty worried that Sean would not be able to pull it off, because so far to me, he has the personality of a wet dish rag; then they pull him out of the room and it makes sense, it removes the chance of him spoiling it which makes me think they did not trust him.

My thoughts on his wet rag personality are further confirmed by his behind the scene reactions to the hidden camera stress the pranked girl is facing.

This stupid show has such a hold over me, its 3am and I am actually watching it, even though since I have it recorded I could in theory watch it at any time. Instead I spend my insomniac moments watching this drivel. Then again, I also watched wrestling earlier in the night, so maybe I shouldn't pretend that my tv choices are the greatest.

All these girls have cutesy stories and I do not believe a single one, they all sound too rehearsed. It is 37 degrees this is not SoCal weather, my friend whose house I stopped by an hour ago thought I was insane because I walked in wearing flip flops and shorts (and no it was not a booty call).

When you wear a wedding dress to the first meeting and worry that it made you look like a crazy person, you probably should not lead with that on the 2nd meeting.

The Amanda girl that everyone proclaimed crazy, I sometimes wonder if those girls are as crazy as the girls intimate or if the editors just cut the tape so well to make her seem like she should be in a Hitchcock movie.

I guess I learned a little Farsi....by the end of typing this I will have unlearned any Farsi I just learned.

I am so glad he kept the 'crazy' chick. I know I know there was more to the rose ceremony etc, but after watching more than an hour of this even with the DVR aid, I am burned out!

It has been a while, so let's do a TV recap - The Bachelor

I know, I know this is a cop out but my friend got me into watching the Bachelor so that we could mock it together so this morning I sent her an email with my recap thoughts and I have decided to share it here. Remember this is from an email, don't judge its grammar syntax etc

Elizabeth YOU SUCK for getting me into this show....

I had a friend watch it with me, because she said she had never watched it before and I told her we could mock it ceaselessly, she did not believe me...until we started watching!

What was up with the kissing lessons thing? I have never in my life asked another man how he kisses girls, and certainly would not ask for lessons. And in fact when in the past we have mocked someone for kissing someone in public, we then did not require them to show us how they did it...or to tell us to put their whole body into it - he knows they were talking about a kiss right? Not a pre-game molestation.

My favorite thing from last night and the thing that caused me to pause my DVR and analyse this show like the Zapruder film was Robyn (and you know how bad I am with names, so the fact that I remember her name shows how much it affected me). I could not believe she tried not one but TWO backflips and I sat up straight laughing when half way through the second she yelps "OH noooooo", I did not even let her get to Sean, I immediately hit the 15 second rewind on the DVR, then I hit it again, then again, then again. My friend says I instantly rewatched it 5 times (I believe her). I then went all the way to when she first exits the limo and started doing play by play like this "See her face just before she turns around, that is the look of determination, on this first flip she is exactly like Alabama, on this second flip she is Notre Dame" (I fear that did not butch up the Bachelor, but at least you know I watched the BCS game). Even after I watched the whole bloody episode, I rewound the whole thing just to get back to her and her "oh nooooo" it made my night.

I cannot believe he immediately gave a rose to the girl that showed up with that super cheesy open heart tattoo. Then he kept the girl who came in IN A WEDDING DRESS. To me none of the black girls are amazing looking, though there were quite a few plain white girls this year too...wonder if they are trying to go with a more-realistic look?

It is probably bad of me that I enjoyed the song sung to him by the crazy girl from Tennessee, I would actually have kept her over a few of the other girls.

Fifty shades of crazy is a stripper right? She has to be a stripper right? Come on say she is a stripper right? That dancing was stripperesque right? Seriously...that girl!

When he gave that first girl the rose, my first thought when she started to walk into the main room was; "Oh no, this girl might actually get shanked". The looks on the girls faces when she walked in made up for the fact that I was actually sitting there watching the Bachelor. (I hate you for getting me into this show btw, I seriously do).

I actually felt it was unfair to him (and yes I know the whole show is pretty much a gimmick) to place the girl with one arm on the show. Yes I know everyone is beautiful (and this girl is gorgeous) but placing her on leaves him in an awkward position...he cannot cut her on the first night right? And then what happens after one of their fake physical challenges, does he have to keep her because she was plucky, when is the safe time to cut her etc? I will deny I ever sent this if she wins it all. But I feel pretty safe right now that she will not win it all.

I thought the Yoga instructor was cute...until I saw her walking barefooted - deal breaker.

Is this going to be the new thing on all these shows; someone from previous shows will be on it? I know I am new to this and you are my Yoda, so is this a thing?

And maybe I should not chuckle but when these girls who have just met the guy and are booted the first night cry as if they have lost their first love I cannot help but think "That is a whole bag of crazy!"

Anti gay marriage? Don't count this Christian as one of 'those' people

I am firm in my belief that religious institutions can dictate who they will or will not marry, if they have no public funds, government driven assistance for the marriage ceremonies etc. But as a social need/good institution I believe marriage is for all. Especially in a country that preaches (see what I did there?) separation of church and state. I really like this CNN article on Gays and the Bible's treatment of them http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/05/15/my-take-what-the-bible-really-says-about-homosexuality/?hpt=hp_c1



 - The 'those' people is one of my million references to 'Tropic Thunder'

Making Pasta this week and explaining my lack of fancy...

I have previously expounded on my lack of cheese sophistication in other posts but since it has been months since I posted anything, allow me an indulgence...

Once upon a time I was a little boy in the greatest country ever created; Jamaica from the Arawak word Xaymaca meaning Land of Wood and Water, we were an agrarian and Tourist based economy so fancy cheeses were unknown. So unknown that for many a year I thought that only 3 (2.5 if you look closely) cheeses existed – they were Cheddar (White or Yellow) and Pizza Cheese (which I learned was mozzarella if of quality but really is more often this guy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pizza_cheese [btw that is disgusting and makes me want to reconsider pizza]) and that was it.


Then I came to the Home of the Brave and the Land of the Free (economy) and realized that there are a tonne of cheeses available I mean seriously you guys have CHEESE shops, shops dedicated to just cheese! You go out to restaurants and order 'cheese boards'. Really CHEESE BOARDS? That is considered a meal, I am still amazed. You quite literally can run the gamut from A to Z in Cheeses, American, Asiago and Anari to Ziger, Zumelle and Zuvi. Well this Thursday I am making pasta and I am making it the way all good Jamaicans make it WITH CHEDDAR as the main cheese. A slight concession to my years in America is that I will make a 4-cheese pasta sauce to add to it (I have become Americanized and soft) but the main cheese will be a good hearty Cheddar grated by hand with the wrong grater setting like a real yard man (Jamaican living outside of the homeland).

Happy MLK Jr. day 2012!

Oh Dr. King your sacrifice got us greater racial equality (we are close but not all the way there yet) and a holiday! I sadly suspect more peeps are grateful for the holiday now than the equality.

I wish you were still around to see (and since you are famous probably meet) Tim Tebow. He is this amazing phenomenon (for an average football player) that dominates sports headlines and pop culture.

He is a slower Michael Vick, a less accurate Vince Young, a weaker Warren Moon, a less dynamic Randall Cunningham, he isn't even as gifted as Rodney Peete seriously don't laugh Rodney Peete was "drafted by the Toronto Blue Jays out of high school, and the Oakland Athletics and Detroit Tigers while in college" per wikipedia (grain of salt added for taste).

Tim Tebow just lacks something all of the above players had...

But because it is your day Dr. King I will go with some 'equality' and point out that Tebow is no more religious than Kurt Warner, or Steve Young or Ray Lewis (if you want to go non-Qb).

He has captured imaginations while giving fodder to both sides of any argument that involves discussing his skills. He will look absolutely incompetent for 58.5 minutes of a game that only last 60 minutes and then for just that last minute and a half engineer a drive that will win the game! Seriously Dr. King he will only be good for 2.5% of the time he is doing his 'job' and yet get praised like he was the best player ever. I cannot imagine a doctor botching a surgery so badly that at the end of it all he manages to do is save my life while costing me a limb or 2 then he gets praised for his life saving abilities!

He replaced a guy called Kyle Orton who is a much more accurate passer than Tebow ever was or probably ever will be yet somehow could not ever win with the same team that Tebow now wins with.

Many are beginning to believe in the unbelievable because they cannot explain the 'lucky' coincidences in his wins. They refuse to consider things like small sample size (where if one looks at the fact that Tebow has only played a few games is woefully inaccurate and has a bad QB rating, over time he would be more likely to lose more than he would win), or the joy of scheduling that placed the Broncos up against incompetent teams and teams that did not make the playoffs during Tebow's win streak. They ignore things like; when Tebow went up against Orton (yest the QB he replaced) in a virtual must win game for the Broncos he lost! Of course divine intervention stepped in and the Raiders who could have kept Tebow out of the playoffs lost too...

Divine intervention, yes sir you heard me correctly people now think that God is interested enough in American Football games to intervene in John Elway's teams games. Oh did I not mention that? Yup the same team that John Elway captained to 2 super bowls and also is now the Exec VP of has a fan base that believes so firmly in Tebow that they are comparing him to Elway and...Elway is not always coming out favourably. But do not just take my theories for fact, check out this poll and this article in USA Today.

The breakdown amuses me
Among ethnic groups, the Hispanic/Latino demographic was the biggest believer, with 81.3% saying yes. Among African-Americans, 59.5% said yes, and for whites it was 38.3%.
Politcally speaking, 54.2% of Republicans said yes, as did 38.2% of Democrats and 35.1% of independent voters.
...wonder why that is.

The thing about it is...almost every athlete after a good performance praises God so I cannot imagine he has chosen to favour Tim and his left hand. (Vick is a lefty too and the religious Steve Young just saying). And let me give a little plug to Ken Stabler a great lefty that too few show love to.

Yes Dr. King on this day when I think of you, I just wonder what you would think of the hype surrounding this (insert colour here) Quarterback.

What is weird though Dr. King, is that while I am not a fan of Tebow and I hate the hype around him, I am starting to feel sorry for him because  no player, no QB white, black, hispanic or any colour could live up to the burden that fanatic fans and media personalities are placing on him. And certainly no one with mediocre skills.

Oh one more thing Dr. King (no one ever calls you Martin do they?) in a rare display an athlete named Stevie Johnson actually blamed God for a loss so of course it made news. He did it on Twitter which is a micro blogging site that will for years to come cause severe cases of foot in mouth disease. If you could still do it I would tell you to follow my friend @swalloween. Anyway here is Stevie's tweet after he dropped a pass in an OT game. "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."

Enjoy the rest of the day, in a display of unity I am about to go meet my white friend, pick up my Persian friend and then go to the Asian grocery store so we can cook some Italian food later.

Best,

Cali J.

I envy my friends 'S' and 'Y' so much right now.

They are both passed out on the couch together (even though I offered an air mattress) meanwhile I am in my expensive-luxury pillow top bed and I cannot fall asleep. We were all out dancing and they practically fell asleep as soon as they sat down…wish that could be me. I have slept 5 hours out of the last 72 so really I should be bloody exhausted. But of course I am not. Broke up a chick fight tonight, that was fun, the even funnier part was my kicking the girl that started it out of the club as if I were a bouncer, and her following it!

Real Time Food Experiment: World series burgers...and chasing a dog down the street

So I have been craving burgers and there are no burgers as good as home-made burgers so while the game is on I will live blog my experiment. For these burgers I am going to use ground beef AND ground pork

I am carmelizing onions - one medium white onion chopped into rings, cooked in 1tbs oil 1tsp bacon grease on medium, sprinkled over a tsp of sugar turned it down low and let it carmelize over 30 minutes. Shook the onions out put a tsp oil in pan.

To same pan that had onions and now oil I added 2 cloves finely chopped garlic and a chopped stalk of scallion (medium heat) to this I added a 1/3lb ground pork and browned very slightly with an added tsp of dehydrated onion. In a 1/2 cup measure I added 2 tbs balsamic vinegar, 1tbs soy sauce then filled to the top with water, added that to the pan and cooked for 5 minutes. Set aside to cool completely!

About 4 innings into the game: Rangers still up 1-0 (I really hate the Cardinals hope Texas wins this) I add the cooled ground pork mix to a bowl of 3/4lbs ground beef, a 1/4tsp of garlic powder, 1/2 tsp of chili powder, 1/4tsp black pepper, 1tsp Worcestershire sauce (I suspect I spelled that wrong) and a pinch of salt (seriously peeps just a pinch soy sauce already has salt). Formed 4 patties (they are moist, which makes sense since high water content in pork mix) now debating broiling or pan frying...Bottom of 4th inning and Joe Buck just called Zoey Deschanel a subtle actress (not sure what he means because I am yet to see a subtle performance from her). 

While I wait for my decision, I am making the 'special' sauce aka mayo, spicy brown mustard, ketchup, ranch in a 1;1;2;1 ration. This will be spread on both buns then topped with the carmelized onions with the burger in the middle...man I hope this tastes good, especially since I just wrote a blog about it without tasting it.

I was tempted to make my own hamburger buns and if my company shows up maybe I will, it just sounds impressive I suspect it is easy.

And then this happened. It was the 5th inning and I figured I would go for a quick 1 mile run knowing that I would be back in time to see the next inning and I wanted to help my roomie out by taking the dog out for a quick run since he had been trapped indoors all day. Well that turned into a fiasco; 2 blocks from home the dog slipped his harness and TOOK OFF. My Run Keeper app told me that the dog and I spent 1 hour 20 minutes and 5 miles chasing each other up and down the streets of downtown. I say chasing each other, since to keep the dog from running into traffic I often had to make him think it was a game and chase me...the dog is NOT street wise! At one point he sat in the middle of the road while the light was red and cars were massing, then when the light changed to green he remained there as I ran up the block to get to him. Then since I did not want to spook him into potential cross traffic I had to slowly approach while yelling at the cars that were blowing there horns at him and me!

Good times!

But the bonus is, baseball is so slow that when I got back it was just the EIGHT inning...you have to love it. And the rangers won.

By the time I was back I was too hungry and tired to wait for the oven to pre-heat so I just pan fried the burgers and...THEY WERE DELICIOUS, TOP FIVE EVER. But of course I have to wonder if part of that was due to my extreme hunger by that point.

I guess my friends can tick me off to point that I almost get a ticket

Last night I almost got a ticket for driving the wrong way on a One-way street. I talked my way out of the ticket. Robin claims that I was only able to do that because the cop was a lady, Yau added the colour of her skin. I claim it was my charm (maybe a bit to do with the voice).

So here is the thing. I turned the wrong way for a variety of reasons; the sign detailing that it was a one way street had been damaged and turned at a bad angle, if I had been as diligent as I normally am I would have spotted it but I was not at my best so I missed it.
I was distracted because one friend had yelled at me for not following her directions, then yelled again when I chose not to park where she wanted me to park.
Then on top of that I had to listen to the 2 kids in the back that had already annoyed me with their inability to keep it down when I was on the phone then when Robin was on the phone break into childhood songs loudly and OFFKEY. Trust me there is nothing worse than 2 people singing badly and at the top of their lungs when you are already peeved.

So I hit my breaking and braking point in that I was so frustrated that I slammed on the brakes flipped on the indicator and turned where I should not have turned! Right into the path of a cop. I am still surprised I talked my way out of the ticket and I am glad I asked her if she was giving me a ticket when she said "ok sit tight I am going to my car" if I had just assumed that she was just going to check my id she would have come back with a ticket and by that point it would have been too late.

Even though you know you have no warrants out...waiting for those agonizing few minutes while a cop runs your id to make sure is agonizing. What adds to the anxiety is hearing your friend loudly tell the bouncer at the door across from you car "I am here with the criminal" (which by the way is a bloody funny line...but scary while the cop is checking to see if you need to be locked up).

So yeah, I blew my lid and still somehow survived...luckily. What is funny is that I can see how movies influence our thought processes: At one point in the drive I imagined driving off a cliff jumping out at the last minute and still hoping I would have the dexterity and speed to turn around and hit the door lock button to trap my passengers so that they would hit the water...I did not want them dead, just a bit panicked and soaked.

Thank goodness frustration does not lead me to drinking because that would have been one sloppy Taco Tuesday!

This song fits:

My bicycle is faster than your bike!

As I often say you have to make the little things make you smile.
So riding back from the gym I was very, very sore; not the regular sore like "yeah I feel good I am sore cause I worked out like a monster". Nope I was sore like injured sore. A little background: On Monday while watching TV and staring at my roomies ab-roller it occurred to me that since I was just sitting there and it was just sitting there I might as well just use it. So throughout the movie I did 1000 situps and 50 bicycle kicks. No exaggeration at all in that number that is what I did. My original target was 100 situps and 50 bicycle kicks but the ab-roller made it so damn easy I just kept going and once I hit the 600 mark I decided I had to get to a 1000.

Well once I hit the 1k mark I pretty much lay there bit sore bit tired not too bad. Then I went to the gym yesterday (Wednesday) just 2 days later. Did a great back work out, figured hey "remember on monday when you said you would do 25 situps a night, well you skipped yesterday so use the ab roller here and do a 100". Well I think my brain was trying to protect me on Tuesday by making me skip that night! Once I got on the ab roller I felt sore. But of course I am a guy so hey "sore is good right?" I did a set of 20, felt harder than I expected. Put the legs up higher did a set of 30, sore, not too bad...did a set of 25 and started gasping...take a longer rest, no need to sit up straight. Did the 'final' set of 25 and got to 19 and then nearly started crying in the gym. My abs locked up and felt like someone had stabbed me in the lower abdominal. I grabbed the railing forced myself to a sitting position trying to 'look cool' cause really I could not have anyone at the gym thinking I had just hurt myself on an AB-MACHINE (I mean to be fair if I saw someone suddenly look like they were in pain I would chuckle too).

So I sat on the machine taking deep breaths trying to calm my body cause I really really wanted to cry out in pain and to look like I wasn't just sitting there (and really I was because I could NOT get up) I just kept bobbing my head as if listening to music while really on my ipod was the Tony Kornheiser show which is TALK radio. But damn it if I was not going to pose like I was a G! I started to have horror thoughts of having to take my phone and call down to the front desk and beg them to have a trainer come and lift me off the damn machine. Thankfully after a minute the abs calmed down enough for me to get up slowly and walk down to the locker room. And then the thought of horror hit me...I still had to ride home and if you are a rider you know YOUR ABS ARE ENGAGED WHILE RIDING.

So I unlock the bike (while wearing my new sparkly shorts) and I want to say hop on but really I leaned the bike so low to the ground that the seat was by my knees, then rolled on to it by using the curb to boost myself on. Then I start riding home! If anyone had tracked me they would have cracked up. I kept alternatively saying "Ow, Ow, Ow" and "Damn it I should just push this" sometimes hit with "Bloody THREE MILES!" So anytime I came to a stoplight if no car was in my lane I would just keep doing small turns in the lane rather than trying to lean over and put a foot down cause I was that sore. If a car was there I would actually ride up to the sign and lean on it with my shoulder just so I would not have to put my foot down.

While at one of the lights this guy with a motorcycle pulls up into my lane and revs his bike! So I look at him and he revs it again. So I did the only sensible think I clicked both brake handles 'click click' since that is pretty much the only sound you can make on a bicycle looked straight at him and yelled "You wanna race?". He looked at me like I was crazy revs again and I yelled "Guess that is a yes!" He revs, the light goes green and he PEELS OUT! I slowly push down on the pedals and start laughing...then immediately regret it because: Yup you guessed it LAUGHING USES YOUR ABS

"Why yes that sliver of glass came out of my heel, why do you ask?"

That was the only cheeky response I could give the roomie when he picked up a sliver of glass with blood on it, 3 rooms away from where the glass from a bottle had decided to invade my body through the bottom of my heel.

Background: We had a dinner party, there was a tonne of stuff in the refrigerator because as invariably happens things keep getting shoved in to the cooler. So late in the night I opened the refrigerator only to see a bottle start to spiral to the floor in what felt like slow motion. I grabbed for it but had the closing refrigerator door hit my hand so the bottle fell to the floor and as bottles filled with liquid tend to do, it shattered everywhere; with me stuck in the middle of the kitchen BARE FOOT. I tried to pick up everything immediately visible around me before even taking a step.

Grabbed a towel and mopped up all the liquid pushing it away from me hoping that while I was drying I was moving any shards away. Felt like I had gotten it all. Took a gingerly steps to the sink to drop the towel in there and hope that I was safe. Still no pain. But one knows you can never be too sure so now that the floor was dry of all the liquid I started to walk to the closet door to get the broom and wouldn't you know it there were bloody footprints! Yup not only had I gotten cut I had gotten cut badly enough that I was bleeding profusely enough to leave bloody prints.

So I had to limp to the bathroom to get cleaned up, then decided to go upstairs to get bandages. Apparently after my initial clean up I was still shedding glass shards (hence the roomie finding a piece). So while the party was going on I was further inspecting my heel and then bandaging it...then back to the party because after all we all have to rally.

Problem is, the next morning I woke up to a stinging heel. Went to the doctor's office and was told that the wait would be 2 hours so I went home and decided to play operation. Just like my old days when my parents would allow me to take care of the sick puppies (and I knew I was good because I am pretty sure my parents cared more about the dogs than me). So I grabbed forceps, a syringe, a scalpel (alright I might as well confess - I took a few debriding kits from the hospital from my days when I worked there) and went to work on my heel. Turns out that I had a very thin but very long piece of glass buried deep in my heel, which meant I had to slightly cut the heel and go in to get it.

What sucks about getting cut in the heel is that pretty much every footstep leads to bleeding. So I have been changing bandages every few hours, but at least the wound is clean, there is no sign of infection and I did not have to sit in a doctors office for 2 hours to have them over charge me to do the same thing I was able to do for myself. I guess the only major difference is that I cannot write myself a prescription for any 'great' drugs but I would not have taken them anyways so I saved myself some time and money and got the realize that I still got it!

And what of my working out you might ask yourself...yes I am still working out with the cut heel, just no running (aka elliptical because hahaha come on really) just riding the bike to the gym and weight lifting!

"I think that cop is following us...nope he is going past: us"

On the way home about a dozen cop cars screamed past us chasing a guy that I do not think was going to make it to the finish line because the cops were either going to shut down the highway or surround the car they were closing in so rapidly.

I have not blogged in awhile, long time readers will realize that I do not blog well when angry. So since I have been really angry for the past week I have not blogged much.

I am still iffy about going out in Downtown LA. Many of the so called cool spots are cool because of their locale (top floors on high rises) or because of their trappings/settings (like the Edison). Many of the spots with great music are absolutely thuggish and while by myself I am not worried about  going into such places, going with my female friends seems a bit risky.

Is there any more simple yet impressive task that feels so satisfying as swatting an annoying fly mid-flight?

You need rest for your muscles to grow...vol 2.434353

So I hear that title all the time, from body builders to casual guys at the gym to my own doctor. Well here is what I have done since benching on Friday evening: slept 4 hours Friday night, worked out Saturday morning, went to the V-ball tourney, slept 3 hours, did cardio, went to the Reggae Show (Marleys) now I am going to be up in 4 hours to head to court...let's hope that is enough time for the muscle growth...

At least tonight is just legs at the gym

Sooooo uhmm thanks for giving me attitude when I called you while I was stumbling around Hermosa Beach

It has been a long day. Another awesome 6 man tourney another year where I have seen zero games. But I called my ex while I was on my cane and lugging luggage through the streets of HB and received statitude. I would have felt bad for the fact that I woke her up except she was immediately hostile to me...I do not get it. I guess I am still the idiot for thinking we can be peaceful

WATCHING YOUR older friends flirt on facebook is like seeing your parents kiss, yes there is nothing inherently wrong with it, but it just does NOT LOOK right...you know who you are!

Hey chica, fight it all u want...everyone succombs

I slapped people with a cutlass...never beheaded a man - did not think that would be a 'thing'

Ok this is a short one, cause my heart hurts for my people.
A gang back home has started doing BEHEADINGS, yes that had to be capitalized the dog-heart bastards have made this a thing! The level of depravity to do something like that shocks me. It shocks me when it is done as part of religious fanaticism but it shocks me more when it is done to send a bloody message (at least with the religion I sigh and chalk it up to people can be convinced to do anything in the name of God/Allah/Buddha/Love)

Jamaica has had 4 beheadings in 5 days...let that sink in...still with me? Not 1 in the last 5 days, not 2 spread out over 5 days no 4 in 5. Look I hate writing bad things about back home, we thrive on tourism so to be fair I often gloss over any violence especially since violence touches the tourist areas so infrequently as to make a statement like "Tourists are NEVER touched in Jamaica" be as close to a true statement as water is wet. So while this does not affect the tourists, it affects MY people and it hurts me. Fourth death article

For now we should be grateful that American news media has not latched on to this (small comfort) but if we do not eradicate them dog heart fassy dem we will soon be looking at Fox news slamming us for our lawless state.

When I was a kid, we had tonnes of fruit trees in our property, in fanciful American real estate puffery it would have been listed as an orchard to drive up property value, for us it was known as the "Mango, cashew, banana, avocado, guava, guinep trees weh mi haffi rake up di leaf dem". But because of this bounty, thieves would often step into our yard despite the presence of viscous guard dogs and a fearsome 5 ft 2 inch skinny black kid weighing about 85lbs and holding a cutlass. I wish I had a picture of the time when I stood under the mango tree surrounded by 7 German Shepherds holding a rusty cutlass yelling up into the center at a thief who was begging me to 'tek the dog dem weh man so mi cyan climb down the damn tree and leff'' while I with my voice cracking yelled back 'fling down di bag a mango and mi will let u leff' (as a kid I always thought patois made me sound more intimidating...really should have realized the 7 dogs [less the cutlass] did that for me).

The dogs were wonderfully trained and would actually listen to me (I cooked them their food after all [outside with them waiting], they knew not to bite the hand that fed them...literally). I told them to sit and they would sit. So the guy in the tree saw me tell them to sit starts to climb down and I did the only practical vigilante justice thing someone holding a cutlass and in the presence of someone who wanted to rob them would do...I SWUNG. But because I am not some insane thug or someone who wants to ever actually maim another I hit him flush with the flat side of the cutlass across the buttocks and lower back. Which of course caused him to lose his grip on the tree, yelp and fall to the ground. Problem for him was that reanimated the dogs so back up the tree he scampered. Short form of the story, he stayed up there an hour while I stayed under the tree till my mom came home and she finally made me lock up the dogs while the dutty boy ran fi him life.

I tell you that story because it is funny and illustrative; just because I had an instrument of death did not mean I had to use it as such, I merely taught the man a lesson, I never saw it as something to remove a body part. No matter how mad at thieves I was, I never swung my cutlass to cut, but these guys are wilfully going into situations to remove body parts...Lawd I pray fi mi country tek care a all a wi!

Selah

Who drinks another man's drink and then confronts him about it? and Happy Birthday Viv

Last night out for Vivian's birthday we went to a college-esque bar. Believe me NOT my choice. In fact when told that we were heading there I voiced my dissent and included the words "really" and "are you sure?". The night progressed, I found the music loud and grating (alas I am old) and the crowd oppressive young kids more comfortable with bumping into you and spilling drinks than with walking around you.

But regardless of all that I was fine (once there) till late into the night, these people sat at our table...rude, but hey it was a crowded bar so we let it slide. Then I noticed they started sipping our drinks. Yes, you read that right, the guy and the girl now sitting at our table started sipping our drinks (well it really is just a drink since they serve it in a Bucket and you have to prove to the bar tender you have 5 persons in the group minimum - or you can look as old and demanding as I do and have him give it to you on your assurances) from our spare straws (I hope they were the spares, because really the alternative is even more gross). So I stopped them with a "hey man, do me a favour, leave our drinks alone" but I let them continue sitting there.

The girl got up, and started dancing with some of her other friends that had come over by our table, guess we had now created a meeting point! I saw the guy eyeing our bucket again (yup bucket) and gave him the warning eye. I went back to dancing (standing around while rocking shoulders) and then noticed the crowd around our table had grown and there were a few dipped heads. I walked up and there were 3 people drinking from our bucket (which really now was their bucket because no way was I going to drink from that again), so of course I lost it. Snatched the straws and told them scram ("Hey you darn kids get off my lawn") 2 scurried off but one guy squared his shoulders as if ready to fight! At this point my blood is boiling more from the outrage that this kid is going to stand up to me after stealing our drink rather than the actual fact that he was stealing our drink.

Here is the exchange:
"Really kid, you are going to drink it while we are standing right here"
"Well you guys were standing off to the side and it only takes 4 minutes to finish these, you should have finished it"
(at this point I am almost apoplectic that the fault is apparently ours for not chugging a 84oz Tequila containing drink and yes I said 84oz as in 10.5 8oz glasses of alcohol laced beverage) [And I am announced that his friend had decided to pocket our little plastic shark (which probably hints at our location but so be it) which meant he had reached his hands into the drink]
"Listen man, we could have walked away for 2 hours, you do not touch our damn drink and you do not tell me when to finish it"
-Of course by this point, my voice which is never quiet is at a shouting level, and the guy is back off. I drive the point home..."walk away, and walk away NOW"
He does so, which to me is the right thing to do, then I look down to see that his friend, the one who had invited the others is actually still sitting there. I admit I was more shocked than angry at this point, this little speck had sat through the confrontation, which he had triggered and instead of defending his friend, or slinking away had sat and watched.

So I slapped my hand flat on the table to get his attention (I confess by this point I thought he might be high) and told him "Get up, get moving, I don't want to see you again, move away NOW"...and he got up but left me with this gem "Dude [ugh, even though I now use it also I hate hearing it in a drawl] this is a USC bar man, it is a USC bar man..." (poor kid had no idea that those words are actually more likely to cause me to see red than soothe me). I yelled (to Yau's amusement and mine once I calmed down) "I don't give a damn if this is a USC bar [which of course triggered some stares] it could be your momma's bar, walk away, stay away and don't even look at me".

The best part is Emma and I had just been talking about how even keel I am when I warned her that I am "slow to anger quick to wrath" and as if to prove myself not a liar, the incident occurs.

Ok maybe the best part was upon our exit, the kid I had the confrontation with actually came up to me and apologized for which I shook his anger, because I can always appreciate a manly gesture, even when the precursor was a punk move.

Venus and Serena out in the same day...

And now it is covered like a tragedy. I vividly remember the days when many American tennis fans dismissed the Williams Sisters, but now that the WS tend to be America's last great hope in most tournaments they have been embraced! Again (even though knocked out early for them) they were the last American females in a major Tennis tournament (at Wimbledon right now, only 1 American male remains).

Tennis has fallen so far in America, that women who used to be openly mocked, and racially insulted with subtle jabs are now being looked to as the saviours of Tennis in America...the only problem is they are OLD. Not old in life, but old in Tennis years.

I hope that Serena coming off her injuries and Venus off her slump will rebound from this, because I think tennis is always more fun when these guys are contending.

And is it not time for us to stop pretending that Caroline Wozniacki is a 'true' number 1? Only 1 final made, no wins, but yet she sits atop the rankings for weeks?

I bloody messed up...the domestic

I saw a friend in a bad situation, offered comfort, hung out for a bit and then allowed myself to be convinced that it was ok to leave them there because I figured a locked door is the cure to many ails.

I did not factor in things like stress/emotions/love and dudes with svengali influences.

Plus having your ego bruised by hearing someone did not/does not love you can leave you incompetent to make sound decisions.

The smart decision would have been to bundle my friend up. Buy her new cosmetics if need be BUT GET HER OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE and let her stay in my spare bedroom.

Have to cut that coke with Coconut Rum...vol 2.34

Not sure if it is sad or amusing or both that because I drink so little regular or even diet soda  when I drink something as sweet as a regular coca cola for its caffeine content I need to add a splash (or 3) of coconut rum to it to make it palatable. Now I know to some that would sound crazy to say that one needs the caffeine boost but then adds rum, but if you are a long time reader you know that alcohol does not put me to sleep. So since I did not sleep at all last night and I have to meet friends I had to take the caffeine boost...and I refuse to waste my money on things like '5 hour energy' (seriously peeps save your cash).

Neil Patrick Harris' best role was NOT Doogie Howser or his role on 'How I met your mother' his best role is in 'Undercover Brother' for instance his character Lance talking to a group of blacks: "I just watched this show... "Roots"? Maybe you've heard of it?" Hard to hate it. Even though I own the movie I will always stop and watch at least 10 minutes of it if its on.

And this movie makes great use of Denise Richards acting ability...stand and look pretty (her fighting moves are eh when they are not using what I suspect is a stunt double)! Plus an underrated performance from Dave Chapelle. There is also a great girl-fight scene.
Plus Eddie Griffin's Afro reminds me of the one I had in college. And his fight scene with Mr. Feather (Chris Kattan) set to MJ's 'Beat it' makes me laugh because it spoofs so many action movies and even has a touch of West Side Story. Though when the fro gets touched "You mess with the fro, you got to go" I am completely with UB on administering the beat down!

Did you know you have to capitalize Afro for proper grammar?

Wonderful soundtrack too!

1. - "Pick Up The Pieces"
2. "Say It Loud, I'm Black And I'm Proud"
3. "Give Up The Funk (Tear The Roof Off The Sucker)"
4. "Close the Door"
5. "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" 
6. "Ebony And Ivory"

Just to name a few

I am writing my Best Man speech SEVEN MONTHS in advance

Because I suspect it will take at least six months to sanitize and edit it down for public hearing.

And yup...someone was crazy enough to make me their best man.

I am honoured, humbled and eagerly looking forward to shocking!

One week ago I accidentally crashed a wedding...Congratulations Karina and Justtini

"Hey what are you doing here?" Those were the words of my friend who invited me to meet him at a party in Pasadena...turns out the party was actually a wedding, and it ended up with me being on the wedding party shuttle and heading to the wedding hotel to kick it with the bridal party.

Some quick things, ladies if you are going to crash a wedding party and end up in one of the hotel rooms drinking and eating you should at least be cute...I refuse to say the same for guys, because well, I clearly crashed too; but mine was an accident. Those 2 girls knew what they were coming up to.

A purity ring is just weird. I completely respect the position it advocates, after all I am the Stone Cold, but it is just weird to see. Especially weird when the person wearing it is over 18. What is funny though is that I still do not see/notice rings of any sort. My friend's wife had to point it out to me...I wonder why she thought I needed to be made aware of that.

Hmm seems like a great time for a song break, some of the lyrics
"I might let you touch me
I might let you hold me
I might even let you kiss me
But you can not take my virginity"

So yeah, I really do not get the point of Purity rings.

1. Because, if you are wearing one because of your parents, aren't you going to keep wearing it when you are no longer 'pure' for the sake of keeping up appearances? After all if you broke their trust by having sex, then you will hide the truth. 
2. If you are wearing it because you are part of a 'purity' circle, what happens when you slip? (I know do not make the easy joke of he/she fell on it). Do you keep the ring on to remain a part of the circle?
3. If you are wearing it solely as a personal choice, do you take it off when you first get some? Because at that moment doesn't everyone around you immediately know that you smooshed? 

To me Virginity is a personal thing (not actually a fan of the word Purity but for the sake of the ring discussion I used it) [and yes I know it is automatically personal since you cannot lose it without (well you know the science behind it)] not something that anyone needs to broadcast or confirm to anyone with or without the use of a ring. Just because I choose to run around with the sometimes used nickname Stone Cold does not mean I would ever think anyone should actually declare their status. I have similar feelings on people being forced in or out of the closet, or having to declare sexuality, but that is for another blog.

So yeah, the wedding blog has dissolved into a discussion of virginity...on the plus side the Bride wore white...on the further plus side: Who doesn't wear white? Didn't Kendra wear white? Didn't Coco wear white? Isn't Kim Kardashian going to wear white? No one really cares anymore so why are purity rings still worn? I cannot remember the last time I saw a Livestrong bracelet, the next one I see will be as shocking as every time I see a Purity ring.  


WHOA WHOA WHOA I want to note here, I am not tying Karina in with the V-club discussion, or with any of those hoochies above. Karina is a splendid girl, salt of the earth type, her wedding just happened to be where I met the Purity ring and the 2 girls that should really never crash another wedding after party ever again.


Karina and Justtini were super cool, very nice of them to welcome me in and not be mad that I suddenly showed up. The other cool moment was realizing that Karina actually reads my blog...much love to her for that. So here goes a shout out.

HEY KARINA THIS LINE IS JUST FOR YOU!


By the way, every black guy in America, who lives in a predominantly white or Asian area should definitely watch this, because it makes walking into a party when there are only 2 of you so much fun. Yes I am talking to you 'Black' Greg. My homie 'White' Greg knows and loves the scene, so next time I yell at you across a party bus "what the hell are you doing in here, I am supposed to be the only black guy here" you do not look so confused:

Love the dialogue. 


Ending the week; worked out 6 of 7 days, ate cookies 3 of 7. Only demolished  2 tubs of ice cream this week...not too bad a diet. Oh and burned off 3lbs of the excess poundage I put on in the last month. Just need to get my arms bigger than Yau's now.

Many questions, few answers or Why would the blood bank lady think I would think about making a donation before noon on a saturday?

• Was that title long enough for you?
• Who knew Jolly Ranchers had a soda?
• Is there a faster way to increase the rate of diabetes in this country?
• Why do I have more soaps and shampoos in my shower than most girls I know?
• I have the 2 in 1 Zinc Shampoo for dry scalp; I have the 'sweet' smelling herbal Shampoo and conditioner bottles for the days when I want to smell great; I have the 3 in 1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash for the days when I am in a bloody hurry cause I decided an extra 15 minutes of sleep was crucial and I cannot waste time using 3 separate bottles; I have not 1 but TWO strawberry body washes of different brands; I have the 'manly' Dial body wash (with the extra moisturizer); I have the exfoliating body wash...and none of that includes the additional stuff stored under the counter.
• Why do I still love watching wrestling? 
• Yes I know it's fake, so are sitcoms...I often find this funnier.
• Why are there so many 'paranormal' shows out there?
• Why is 'So you think you can dance' a hit?
• How is it my boy and I willing watched a chick flick?
• It has nothing to do with all the above soaps...a man can just be concerned about his cleanliness
• Why am I the only person in my clique who LOVES ice cream mixed with milk? 
• And no...not a milk shake, just a splash or 2 of ice cream milk (* editor: apparently my subcon was so strong I put what I love most on what I love most...thanks Grace for the catch) on your scoops of ice cream
• How does Paris Hilton have a new show?
• No seriously, how? 
• What the hell is wrong with A. The athletic apparel companies and B. my calves that cause the companies to release Calf Compression gear with sizes of large and X-large and the size difference being 14.5-16.5 for Large and 16.5-18.5 for X-large? 
• Why does this tick me off?
• Because My left calf is exactly 16.6 unflexed and only goes down to 16.5 flexed and my right is exactly 16.5 - I used 2 different measuring tapes
• So what happens if I buy this, and lose weight while running? 
• Or, what if I increase my calf muscle size?
• Both would be good things...but I do not know if I need to get the large size so it fits snuggly or the x-large size so it just fits?
• Why is the bloody size change line exactly at the size of my bloody calves?
• Why couldn't it have been just like the Weight lifting gloves...X-large? 
• Yup ladies, you read that right
• I wear big gloves
• No really nothing more being hinted there
• Just telling you in case you are ever shopping for me
• Leather is prefferred
• Why are my friends demanding I watch "Ice loves Coco"?
• In that Vegas ad where the guy gets locked out of his room in nothing but a robe; where is he getting all the cash and ID's to purchase all the stuff and pick up the girl (I am assuming she is NOT a hooker)?
• Why am I watching 'Why did I get married, too?'
• Am I compelled to support black cinema?
• Why are people disappointed with Lebron James?
• Maybe if you were not so desperate to think of him as the next Jordan you would just appreciate his current level of greatness?
• But is it so shocking that a kid that was told he was the greatest since junior high, nicknamed himself the 'King' and never went through the socializing that college brings would shrink in high pressure situations?
• Why am I up at 3:44am when I am giving blood in 9 hours?
• Better yet: Am I a lush because I plan to meet up with alcoholic friends half an hour after donating blood?
• I do get props for scheduling the drinks for after the donation though right?
• RIGHT?
  

Hollywood friends and their exes...vol243

Part of the problem with having 'Hollywood friends' is that when they break up with 'Hollywood girlfriends' you have the obligation of disliking the exes. BUT, the problem is, you sometimes see their exes in shows you are watching. My boys ex just popped up in the episode of this comedy I am watching and she is making out with a lead character: which stupidly feels awkward since I still see her as my friend's girl and also I know she is 'freaky'.

I have noticed something funny, maybe not 'haha' funny but definitely 'hmm that is kind of bitchy funny' about 2 of my female friends: They have both recently commented on the fact that I am a bit chubby in the middle (which as any typical reader of this blog knows I am quick to point out myself), both have done it by patting the chub...but here is the thing both these girls have put on weight in the last few months. And I mean weight enough that I have made sure not to make any references to weight so as not to offend them...yet both tapped my chub. Good thing I am a decent guy because I could have lashed out. I also note that both of the girls are in relationships that they claim are not, what they are...so are they gaining the comfy weight of relationships? Or the side weight of denial? Either way, I find it funny that they are pointing to my flaws when I am pretty sure I could take my weight double it and still be a 1lb or 2 short of theirs.

I probably should feel worse about my weight gain but I have been injured for the last month (I know...shocker) and since I (again as longtime readers know) never diet, weight gain is always guaranteed when I am hurt...give me 3 weeks 6 days and I plan to strip this 8lbs back off

Happy Birthday to the greatest woman in the world

MY MOM!

"I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador"

"...that was the team name. They wanted something the locals found frightening"

The title of this post is from 'Better off Ted' Season 1 episode 10 'Trust and Consequence' it is a bloody shame that it was cancelled while the CW continues to air any of its programming or shows like 'So you think you can dance' have huge followings. Damn Plebeian masses.

Gluten free waffles absolutely suck. But when you are starving at 3 am, you can pour enough maple syrup on them to overcome any taste deficiencies.

I love being a member of a gym that has multiple locations in every big California city. I drove into Diego with 1 group, went to the gym just to stash my clothes so that when I drove my other friends home I would actually have clean clothes for the weekend.

Funny that some of the same peeps I used to work out with late night on Fridays recognized me and said hi when I went to pick up my stashed clothes at 2;30am.

Seeing 1 of my exes in San Diego made me realize that though I have never taken illicit drugs maybe I drank too much when I lived there...yes it might be mean, but eh it is true: I was not proud of my past decision making.

It might be due to the lifting, but I felt a lot more 'love' here now than when I lived here. Or maybe I am just older and wiser (or cockier and it shows).
I am amused that my friends know my insomnia is so bad that they can text me at 4am asking for an immediate response...and they get it.

Governor Perry better not run for President: I cannot abide the thought of a bloody Aggie having a shot to run the country.

Another source of amusement; my friend and his fiance immediately shoving back to back shots in my hands as I walked over from the bar where I had just taken whisky shots and my friend yelling "let's test that liver that never gets drunk". Test taken and PASSED!

I love my boy and his fiance, good peoples and they seem good together. I also appreciate my boy saying that he wants me to do his wedding. Following in the footsteps of the father!

I am so wired and cannot sleep that I am blogging from my blackberry as I try to sleep. I have to be one of the few people who alcohol actually leaves wired rather than sleepy.

NETFLIX HAS 'SHOTTAS'

NETFLIX HAS 'SHOTTAS'

I know to my American friends that means little but to a bona fide yardie like me that means a tonne!
 - If you have Netflix watch it, damn it watch it!

My pops and I had an emotional and important conversation and it lasted almost 3 times as long as our usual convos...total 5 minutes 36 seconds. 

I think I saw one of my law school nemeses at the gym: Looks just like him same goofy smile same blank stare. Not good to have bottled up enemies or resentment - nearly dropped weights on my chest while benching and thinking that it was him, really had a scary moment there. Can never forget a Florence night club incident with that kid.
- The bonus is, I do not have many/or any enemies really, even that kid was just someone who annoyed me more than I hated them...cannot really think of anyone I truly hate.

The  T-mobile ad with the young kid rapping cracks me up. Partly because the kid is getting a tonne of love and I suspect part of that is due to his  skin colour and the speed of his lyrics but mainly because I love how hard the T-mobile girl is trying to dance and look cool at the same time. I cannot see the ad without laughing!

Maybe I should not take my shaving ideas from cartoons

I am currently rocking a pencil thin mustache with no beard or side-burns I look like a stereotyped french villain. You know it is a crazy look when you look in the mirror and frown at yourself. But since I committed to it, I am going to court in the morning looking like this. I just cannot get used to it. I shaved before dinner (not sure why the formality) and everytime I catch myself in the mirror I do a double take. While flossing, I caught myself, staring at myself. While brushing and doing my usual reading while brushing I kept glancing up from the novel to stare at my upper lip, while gargling I actually angled my head down to stare (which by the way makes it bloody hard to gargle).

It has only been a couple hours and I bloody miss my sideburns. I was initially tempted to go with my undergrad look of mustache and goatee but then decided mustache solo...just cannot get used to it.

Had to take a massive pain killer so I took one with a sleep aid; which means crazy dreams tonight - also means I will wake up with a horribly dry mouth, I bloody hate that feeling. I keep 2 bottles of water beside the bed 2 large bottles, each is 24oz and yet some mornings I will wake up and those suckers are drained. On bad nights I even have to go to the kitchen and get seconds, you can just imagine what my immediate concern is when I wake up in the mornings!

My knee is so bad right now, that I cannot shift side to side and I can barely take anything beyond a shuffle step. I realized it was bad when sitting in the car hurt. And even with the busted knee I think I could still beat all of the peeps I have played in tennis the last year yup, all of you! I really want to play a tennis game to see if working out has actually helped my ground game, oh well till peeps stop ducking me I will not get a good game!

I saw an ad tonight that I will write about some day but it is for an anti-depressant and the scary part is the ad actually has the makers admitting that they do not know exactly how it works to stop depression.

My blood pressure today is 115/57 and other randoms plus a shout out to an ex

So one of my exes a perfectly lovely, smart, enterprising, talented girl (just slightly below me in Chemistry labs...even if she claims I used help) has a great plan for this year. She is posting a picture a day for the whole year, whether great inspiration strikes her or not...As any regular reader of the blog knows, I barely post on a semi weekly schedule. So it occurred to me last week that if she can be so consistent every day, I could at least post more consistently. As I said the thought occurred LAST week, this is the first blog since then...oh well I will at least try to do 3 a week.

Quick hits:

• 2 Guys watching 'Legends of the Guardians' together isn't that weird, us analyzing it...might be
• Just saw a cute well behaved one walking around the play-pen of my gym and I decided "I really need to get my own little creature" I then realized I called a human child a "little creature"
• Congratulating a woman on pregnancy is never safe unless you know for sure she is pregnant, I saw a guy at the gym do it again today, and that did not work well so I never mention pregnancy until I am sure the girl is pregnant.
• But I always feel worse for the guy who asks the question. Now I know immediately you think "the guy is an Ass" but think of it this way, the guy is most likely well meaning and trying to be nice, now he feels bad for asking a fat person when she is expecting or congratulating her...at least the person knows she is fat before the guy ever says anything, the poor guy now has to walk around feel bad that he offended. 
• On the pregnancy issue; I was recently at dinner with friends and a girl I know to be promiscuous and a heavy drinker was there and I noticed she was NOT drinking. Well because her breasts looked bigger than normal and weighing the other factors I discreetly asked my other female friend if X-femme was pregnant...whew it was as if I asked if X was murdering kids, my friend was so mad at me for asking...I don't get it. How can one offend by proxy? And how is that not a legit question to ask? Oh well
• I do not get the fascination with Glee, I occasionally watch it and each time I watch it I hate myself more for it and realize I dislike it more and more...I should be worried that my spell check had to correct how I spelled occasionally. 
• Ah yeah the title, I completely forgot to address that, I posted that BP after working out. Yup, while I might be fat and have ridiculous eating habits, I actually work out a tonne just so that I can stay healthy
• In fact my eating habits are so bad that I actually had to move from the dining/kitchen area while I blogged so that I would avoid eating/making giant choco chip cookies because I wanted more. I ate 3 brownies, a bag of chips a bowl of cereal and that was all post dinner of chicken and rice, just so that I would not make a batch of cookies because everytime I make a batch I eat about 8-12 right off the bat. 
• It gets worse when you factor in I did this all post gym and stopped my ride home to go buy 2 bags of chocolate chips so that I would have the cookie options
• Speaking of riding...so saddle sore, I do not know how anyone could ride in the Tour de France
• On the plus side, thanks to riding to work, riding to lunch, and riding to the gym; I rode 33 miles today and that does not include whatever mileage I did in Spinning. 
• I need to become more consistent with my lifting (I know, I know I just said I work out a tonne)...it is too haphazard, need to get back on a more consistent routine but damn my shoulder is really killing me so it has to be longer rest periods in between sessions and that throws me off my game.
• On the plus side...let me post some numbers
• Bench 300, Leg Press 1050, calf press 800, individual bicep curls 50, triceps pull downs 145, back pull downs 295 all in lbs. 
• I want to improve the Bench, but do not know how to without my spotter, I am going to have to lower the leg press because my left knee cannot maintain the weight anymore but I can maintain the calf press and will not raise or lower that, clearly I have to try and improve the bicep curls, they might be better than that, but they are always done after back exercises so the muscle is already used up, triceps will go up in a month and the back pull downs are hard because as fat as I am I am still not heavy enough to smoothly control the weight and remain in the seat. 
• Amazing that due to having to take a full week off from weight lifting my cardio is not as good, even though I have kept that up at least on its regular schedule.

So for the exes and the ones I thought were preggers

Inviting a girl 1 month of the plane from France to Cinco de Mayo...not the easiest thing

I received horrible news today, not news that is of immediate personal impact to me, but horrible because of the immediate pain it causes someone I love. Any long time reader (or close enough friend of mine) knows that death rarely affects me personally, what affects me is seeing the pain it causes to those around me [quick side step; when my Grandfather passed in Tobago my dad and I went, I was very young, but I felt no emotional pain, shed no tears until I saw how sad my Dad was and then I broke down, not for my Grand, but for my Dad.] It is much the same here I saw that my friend was in pain (saw it from afar) and it troubled me, troubled me enough that on a night I had not planned to drink at all, I drank.

But this is not a morbid blog, in fact this is the rare double blog in a 24 hour period. And I will try desperately to not give a virtual middle finger to Eli and Vivian for making me drive for 40 minutes each way and standing me up. Even though in the back of my head I had the above worries (tried to call before heading out because I was afraid of trying to answer the phone later, I would definitely have answered but would not have wanted any crazy yelling in the back ground) I had a fairly decent night. Let us do a brief recap

Finally heard the Charlie Sheen remix to the Duck Sauce's 'Barbara Streisand' hahah basically just replace her name with 'winning' and 'Charlie Sheen'. Since I have a tonne of work to do I think I will just stay up all night and work all night, and thus get to sleep in a bit (you had to know there was some trigger for the double blog).

So in regards to the title, I invited a French girl I met over the weekend out tonight, but trying to explain to her in my super limited French (yes I was trying to impress) was too much of a chore so I just ended the explanation with..."people go out and drink a tonne". I cannot wait to invite my Korean friend out for Bastille Day. Turns out she did come out, but she was at another bar and by the time we decided to walk past the spot there was too long a line and there was a Dart Bet to settle with Yau...more on that later

This is not Ego but science talking; I think I could write a 'club banger'. The elements seem basic, get a track with a HEAVY bass line, add a simplistic hook, put in some lines stating how much swagger, girls, jewels, power or money I have and this is key at some point raise my voice an octave.

There is nothing like seeing a girl dance for you, my boy was interested in the 'darker' of 2 girls and while he kept trying to catch her eye I was staring at her and her friend, (basically I had a lot running through my head and they just happened to be in my eyeline plus I knew my boy was interested in one). Every time the 'lighter' one locked eyes with me she would do a little swivel of the hips dance and mimic sliding down the pole ('move your body like a snake ma') I wish I was not so shy, this is what is known in the trade as 'on a platter'.

Towards the end of the night I said something I regret, not because I was mean or aggressive or anything but because I accidentally embarrassed someone and I did not mean to I was genuinely trying to help: As I was walking to the W.C. this guy walking past me had something slip from his pocket so I immediately said "hey man you dropped your lipstick" because he dropped it. He immediately looked at me angrily and said "that is not mine and it's not lipstick" so I walked on but I made sure on the way out to stop and look at the item and it was definitely lipstick. So now I wonder if he was ashamed of it, I clearly saw it fall from his pocket - maybe he was carrying it for his girl, maybe it was his (though he did not have any on and did not look like the type to wear), or and this one I hope is not true, he robbed some poor girls purse and just shoved everything in the purse in his pockets with plans to sift through later. No matter what it was, the reaction seemed . weird and I truly just wanted to help.

Finally, DARTS. You have to love the competitive nature of guys. Yau and I talked smack to each other about dart skills ignoring the fact that neither of us had ever seen each other play and of course even though it was late and post bar and we both have work in the morning we had to play a game of darts...he won the first which immediately necessitated a rematch which I won..."take that with you". So now Yau, we are 1-1 and that game you won was the last you will ever win against me!


Bless...